Portside

Wow ? lots of questions here. Here?s my take (from the viewpoint as if I was still dating): The ?lady? offers sex on first date? Thank you very much!! Congratulations! You are no longer in the running for a serious relationship with me but I?ll call you whenever my hormones overwhelm my good sense for a booty call if I?ve been drinking, am lonely, or have seen all the offerings on HBO. I?ll keep you on the string until you wise up and start treating yourself with a measure of respect. Oh yeah, my mates will hear all about it to. 1st encounter? ? it will be different for every couple. That?s part of the fun after deciding to be intimate with someone. In all cases, it better be respectful of what both parties are comfortable with or the relationship will be very short lived (or, at best, very unhappy on at least one persons part). How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? ? Ummm, perhaps forever? If you just want to get laid stick your head out of your window and make you wishes known. I?m certain someone will answer your call very quickly. Do the guy a favor and save him the $$ for the date. Do all men expect suggestive texts before even meeting? ? No, no and hell no! If this is your experience you need to change the group of guys you?re meeting or communicating with. Helen, forgive me and perhaps I?m reading the post wrong but from where I sit, this sounds a bit desperate. Guys can pick up on desperation from a mile away ? and treat you badly as a result. Take a deep breath, and start off but just sticking a toe into the dating pool ? you don?t have to dive in head first right away. I'm pulling for you - Good luck! - Mike

No, I wouldn't. He has, for whatever reason, decided he isn't interested in finding out if you two are a match for each other as it's too much work on his part. These things happen and it's obvious he is not willing to give you any latitude. Good luck - Mike

While this seems important, it really isn't in the grand scheme of things although I understand it hurts like hell. There will come a time when your D sees her grandmother for what she truly is and, similarly, will grasp what you have been through and how you have been treated. Karma is a bitch and even though it may take awhile to come around, it always does. Best wishes - Mike

TTA, Great and Holy Pascha for Orthodox Christians falls on May 1st this year. Happy Easter, Mike

Happy Easter! Mike

I still love the long weekends. I don't have any of my siblings near me - I'm the oldest of eight - and all the kids are scattered, with only one coming home for Easter. Still, I'll cook big as we will have a house full. My single neighbor from next door is coming over as well as a bunch of folks from my gym. Most of them are young and single and have moved to the big city for work from wherever. I love a full house. I did it at Christmas time too. It'll be fun. Happy Easter - Mike

"Gentle Reader, try this - Thank you very much for the invitation. Regrettably, we are not able to attend as we have a previous engagement." Mike

As hard as it is for us to deal with the death of our spouse, to watch our kids struggle with the death of their mom/dad is even worse. Sadly, there are no magic words or phrases to say to the kids to help them out. They are just left with trying to power through it in their own way with support from us. My boys were 9 and 10 when their mom died. At that age, they of course understood the concept of death but, just like your daughter, could not escape comments or questions from others which just opened up the whole thing afresh. The good news is most children are very resilient and, after time, will have put the tragedy behind them and gone on to happy, productive lives. My kids have but, as I said, it took time. Just keep an eye on DD and comfort her the best you can. If serious issues crop up, get her to a family therapist who is skilled in dealing with grief. Best wishes - Mike

It's not necessarily too early if you feel okay about it. Us guys don't care when your last relationship was. From my experience, women seem to attach a larger importance to that fact. As far as letting someone know what brought you to a dating site, it will come up during the date. I'd let him know. As for the supposed stigma, from a man's point of view, that all depends on how you handle it. If you are teary and broken up when talking to your date about it, he'll most likely be freaked out, instantly decide you aren't ready and want to bolt at the first opportunity. On the other hand, if you are able to say something along the lines of "My husband died awhile back and while it was hard at first, me and the kids are doing fine. He was quite a guy." and leave it at that, in most cases it will be no issue. I dated every status of woman you could imagine: long-time widows, new ones, women that had never been married, ladies that had broken up with their guy last week, married women (didn't know that going in), and everything in between. Except for the married/separated girls, I didn't care. Us men are very simple creatures and will try to place you into one of two categories; crazy lady/non-crazy. If you are placed into the non-crazy group, other status, or how long you've been in that status, don't matter much. Just relax, enjoy yourself and have fun. Good luck, Mike

Hmmmm. . . . I'm not so sure. I'm of the opinion that adversity reveals character, it rarely builds or creates it. Again, we are all unique and what will absolutely crush one may affect another in a completely different manner, if at all. Mike

Exactly. The entire series of Diagnostic and Statistical Manuals of Mental Disorders (DSMs) were put into place in order to provide a standardized method for billing purposes. It is not, by any means, useful for treatment of those disorders. And, if an industry can't define and describe it, they can't bill for it. Even within the mental health treatment community, there are monumentally heated discussions back and forth concerning the usefulness of the DSMs and the codification of normal behaviors into some 'disorder'. Most widowers/widows do not suffer from 'complicated' grief or for that matter, PTSD. Neither do most combat veterans, robbery victims or others that have been temporarily shaken to their very core. There are, of course, those that do. But generally, us humans are much more resilient that the modern media and culture would suggest. Best wishes - Mike

Linda - I'm not trying to be flip but truly, it's like anything else as we are all very different people and react to life experience differently: Some completely recover, some never recover, and most are somewhere in between. Best wishes - Mike

In a word, "Yes". That's why they do it. It's purely a numbers game. If the guy sends out 100 p pics and he gets 2 interested replies, he considers it a win. (Actually two wins) Believe me, there is always that percentage of any population that will respond to outrageous behavior. The reverse happens too - morally broken women send unsolicited mommy part pictures to their targets. Many times, it gets a rise out them. Ummm. . . . . well, you know what I mean. :-[ Mike

Linda, please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father. And please stop beating yourself up - you certainly are not a 'uncaring, calloused person'. My Pop was everything to me but when he died, I also did not cry much or grieve as hard as I did before. As you said - I've seen worse. I felt a kinship with my Mom regarding the loss of a spouse that we didn't have before and we were (and are) very close. I felt I was able to give her back some of the care and advice she had showered on me throughout my life. Best wishes - Mike

Hi Jen - please accept my sympathies on the passing of your husband. My late wife also died by her own hand - a GSW to the chest. We were married for 18 years. At the time our sons were 9 and 10 - the boys and I had been gone for the weekend. According to the police, she was planning on taking us with her but she became tired of waiting for us to return home. As it was, she engineered it such that my youngest would find her. As you know, it was horrible. Try not to torture yourself with the "Whys?". There are no answers. The 'good' news (such as it is) is that the acute pain that you feel daily eventually subsides and, at some point, a new normal will become your life. It's been almost 8/9 years now that she is gone (I honestly have forgotten the exact date) and I'm happy to say the boys and I are doing very well in spite of this horrible experience. Best wishes, Mike

I personally know of only one person that used a true matchmaking service. Due to his wealth and stature in the community privacy and discretion were very, very important to him. Much more so than for us normal mortals. His list of requirements for the right match were extensive. The service was outrageously expensive and his search took about 2 years. He eventually married one of the women the service located - a woman 25 years his junior who was just as accomplished as he was. It was worth it for him - they now have five wonderful children and have been married for almost 30 years. Good luck

Jen, I honestly mean this gently and with great affection - to hold this view is a recipe for unending heartache and a self-fulfilling prophecy. If one cannot climb out of the hole they are in, one must enlist the help of others. PM me if you wish - I'm happy to do whatever I can. Best regards - Mike

Guys and gals, be careful what you wish for. When he was in HS, my youngest son was like your kids - he rarely called to tag up and let me know what was going on. It drove me batty. Now, as a 20 yo and a gunner's mate in the Navy, he FaceTimes me whenever the mood strikes him and he has connectivity. Yesterday when he called, I could hear a wicked firefight going on in the background. I know what they sound like. "Hi Dad, I have a few minutes - we're waiting for CAS (Close Air Support) to roll in." I don't think I am going to answer anymore. I'm not convinced the technological ability to reach any one, any time, any where is truly an advance. If I pull the covers over my head, the monsters can't get me - right? Mike

I'm going to go out on a limb here - believe me, he doesn't have the least bit of interest in your uterus. Mike

Sure do! But Nutella, a lasso, ass-less chaps and peacock feathers are a bit outside of my wheelhouse. But I suppose I could be talked into it. I've done worse for less money. Be careful out there - always remember if it gets too out of hand, the EMTs will see you when you are helpless. Just say'n.

Further proof that my deeply held belief that texting is not communication is valid. Don't feel bad you got sucked in. No harm done, you just wasted the day, that's all. That IS his M.O. by the way. To engage with women and text the stuffing out of them for a day or so until they get wise is the whole point of his exercise. Voice to voice communication is good but nothing takes the place of face to face. Tone is damn near impossible to convey through texting. What you gain in convenience you lose in understanding/nuance. Good luck - it's a jungle out there. Mike

I don't know ladies - is it different for men than women regarding the large age differences? I was 51 when I started dating again. I went out with women aged from 32 to 71 (I wasn't doing the asking out most times either). I never had a bad time but obviously not all dates were matches for me. I learned something from every woman I met. I understand if you want to weed out the players and the scumbags as I had to weed out the gold diggers but could it be you may find "the One" who is outside your normal age range? Good luck - Mike

My kids were a bit older than your daughter so I don't have any direct experience but you know, when I die, at whatever age, I pray my experience is to "go home" and "be with my friends". That young lady is on to something. Best wishes - Mike

Trying - heck no - you aren't at all. I don't think it is too much to ask your fellow classmates to concentrate on the tasks at hand and buckle down and focus. Leave the personal stuff at home. I am also low-grade annoyed with all the whining I hear often from folks in all quarters of my life - work, socially, be it from family or from strangers. Occasionally, when someone stews over the earth-shattering fact that their little Johnny or Susie had to walk home one whole block from the bus stop because they couldn't get there in time I just stand there and stare at them. Oh my merciful heavens! What ever shall we do?! Should I call the waaaambulance for you? I am truly empathetic to true trouble of others but there are proper times and places for it. In class and at work are not those places. The way I look at it is you have purchased a service from the university. If you are blocked from receiving those services, you are being cheated out of what is rightfully yours. I will take a ton of crabbing without comment but when I reach my limit, I'll stop them and say something to the effect of "I have a dead son, my late wife shot herself and made sure my youngest son found her body, and I'm a combat veteran. You really don't want to play woe-is-me poker with me 'cause I have all Aces Skippy. Can we please focus on the work (or whatever it is we should focus on)?" I admit, I've lost my filter at times. Now what this does most times is everyone stands around with their mouth hanging open. Sometimes, someone who was in the blast zone will want to talk to me about it. Fine. But let's get together after work or during lunch or whatever. I'll do whatever I can to help you out (Including telling you you're all wet if need be). But not right now. My time is important (and so is yours). Well, on second thought, maybe you are. But that means that I am too. . . . hmmmmm. Good luck - Mike

CW - I know it's hard, but try not to feel defeated. Guys that are a good match for you and also are willing to help raise children are there - but they are a bit harder to find. I was a bit older than you when I started dating again (50+) and had 4 kids - two younger ones still at home at the time so I understand what your challenges are. I also was very up front about having kids at home and how important they were to me. Of course, there were a few women that absolutely wanted nothing to do with my kids too. Fine. At least they identified themselves early on. Honestly, it was their loss. It took some doing but I eventually found a saintly woman who wholeheartedly dove into the family and 'adopted', if you will, the boys without disrespecting the memory of my late wife. She is "Mom" in all respects except birth to them now. And that is the way both she and the boys want it. It can happen, just keep your eyes open, your chin up and a smile on your face. Good men are there, even in Boston Good luck - Mike