Portside

Hell yes. I had mine pay rent once they were working/out of college. Three of my adult children are on my cell bill but no longer live at home. It makes good financial sense, it's cheaper for us all to be on one bill rather than each of us having a separate account. I have their portion automatically withdrawn from their bank account and deposited to mine monthly for their portion of the bill. They didn't like it at first either.

I've been out of the dating scene for years now. But, when I was in the trenches, I very much enjoyed being asked out by women. I found it flattering. I never turned any one down. I did my share of asking also. I found at 50+, most of the BS surrounding dating simply went away. It was scary at times but only because it had changed so much in 30 years. Maybe I was lucky - All the women I went out with were honest, decent, no drama type people. Certainly they were not all for me, but good gals each and every one. Mike

SW - I think Serpico was suggesting the benefit of dating a 'yes' in order to discover if he/she develops into a 'f*** yes'. Mike

Well, you've said it and bared your soul. Good for you I guess. Now it's time to change some things and do what is necessary for your son. Tough nuggies if it doesn't exactly match with what you want to do. It seems to me you have accurately identified the areas of your parenting where you need some improvement. Wonderful! That is always the toughest part for any of us. Actively try to modify those areas/feelings as they crop up and soon they may diminish. It's vital, for the sake of your son, that they do. By the way, if your son ever finds out/hears you say/said you never wanted to be a father, you will destroy him emotionally. Even if you continue to feel that way, don't verbalize it. Just keep it to yourself. One slip from you and that thought will never leave your son's head. Sometimes being an adult is keeping your mouth shut when you don't want to. An unwanted child can feel it - you don't even have to say it. So please, work on these items. I know you can do it - if you have to force yourself for a while to feel differently, please do that too. Your life can be infinitely easier if you are able to make some progress here. I'm pulling for you. Good luck ! Mike

Quit beating yourself up. No, you're not a bad mother. You post a number of concerns in your note; It isn't too soon to date - everyone is different and if it is working for you, great. If not, well, give it a bit more time before getting further involved in the dating scene. As far having the kids meet your guy - for you, at least, that ship has sailed. But, you probably aren't hurting the kids. I do think everyone needs to be a bit careful introducing our children to the folks we are dating though. This is what I did - your mileage may vary of course - I did not have the kids meet anyone I was dating until after my now wife and I decided to date exclusively and with the idea that we were going to be together forever. Doing it this way, for my family at least, just cut down on conversations we didn't need to have or introduce multiple people into my family circle. If your children become attached to this fella and it doesn't work out, then not only will you have to deal with your own feelings of loss but also the children's. Not good. Try not to worry so much and, as you said, take it slow. Good luck - Mike

Hell yes Mike. If it bothers you it bothers you. Plain and simple. And if it is bothersome, you'd better say something about it. This is important stuff - it's not a "do you squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle or roll it?" type of thing. Who knows? Do you even want to play psychiatrist while you both figure it out? Offering sexual favors without a commitment has been one way of enticing someone to stay for millennia. Are you being played? Again, who knows. Mike - stop it! The sooner you both start being honest with each other, the better and more dear your relationship will become. If it doesn't survive because you are truthful with each other, well . . . . . do I even need to finish the sentence? You are way over thinking this. Be truthful and honest (with gentleness) and this whole matter will be resolved. One way or another. In any case, it will be for the better. Good luck - Mike

I think he is showing you how far the relationship can go by his actions. If you want more from him, be prepared for a long period for him to get over whatever issue(s) he has. Good luck - Mike

Yeah April – that’s a tough one isn’t it? In my case, I have not gone into too much detail describing my late wife’s failings. She was not, by my measure, a great mom due to her illnesses. She could be violent, unpredictable and inattentive and I too worried at the end if it was even safe to leave the kids with her alone. If my boys described things that were not correct about their mom I might say something like "J., that's not how it was." and leave it at that. You know, just the bare minimum. But my boys are older that your 12 year old. If they were 12, I might say nothing at all and leave it for another day. I honestly don't know. I choose to believe my late wife loved her boys as best as she could even though she put them through hell. :-\ Maybe that is enough. Who knows what is best. Good luck - Mike

No one can answer this for you. Only you can decide what you want to live with. You (both) stated your expectations, or lack of them, upfront. She took you at your word and now you are conflicted. Do you now want to be exclusive? If so, talk it out. There is no more risk than that which you current have. She can breakup with you at any point without judgement because that is what you both agreed to. That option remains whether or not you bring up exclusivity. Alternatively, you can continue with the setup you have now and feel shitty about it. This is why I always chuckle to myself when someone says they are in a 'casual' relationship. They very rarely are for both parties when one is more casual than the other. Good luck - Mike

I guess I belong to the camp that tends towards not sharing any physical limitations in an online profile or initial phone call/text. They will be evident when you first meet. A date may not find that important or even noteworthy. If you are unwilling to further your relationship with this guy due to him having a prosthetic limb, let him know immediately. However, if you liked most of the other aspects of himself that he shared, I urge you to meet with him. However - the fact that he forgot the date would signal, to me at least, a lack of consideration. Good luck - Mike

Quite. Also, there's a reason there is a light switch in the bedroom. Just say'n. Best wishes - Mike

My youngest son called to let me know he graduated first in his class at his Naval missile training school today with honors. He also received a letter of commendation from the Officer in Charge of the school. He is pretty pleased with himself. He has not received hard orders yet but, as far as he knows, will report to a brand new guided missile destroyer at some point soon. This pleases me immensely as he will no longer be doing hostile boardings onto smuggler's or enemy ships. (as far as I know). Our kids have been through the wringer but they can be resilient as hell with our help and guidance. Apparently the Navy trusts him to work on multi-million dollar missiles but I still worry when he asks to borrow the car when he is home on leave. Go figure. Best wishes - Mike

SG, you even considering your second listed option tells me you are a whole lot nicer than I am. My advice - Scorched earth policy - Unfriend, delete phone number from cell, no contact ever again and no explanation. She ended the friendship when she decided to spew her BS to whomever would listen. If she reaches out in any manner, do not answer her call, read her text or letter, or speak to her if she shows up at the door. In time forgive her if you can but never, ever forget. Best wishes - Mike

Translation: People care more about their own day to day superficial shit than they do the heavy, next level traumas that others, even those they call friends, are dealing with. I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like a good friend and I think it's in your best interest to cultivate friendships where the support is more equitable. “Always remember that it is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood: there will always be some who misunderstand you.” ―Karl Popper So it goes. Best wishes - Mike

I believe that the group formed of members of each sex have, in general, predominant strengths and weaknesses. These strengths will vary somewhat based on culture and other factors but, in the end, I see women and men each possessing some very important elements that are vital for mankind. It takes elements from each of that body of strengths to build a decent and just society, creation of strong and moral families and proper guidance for our children. In my view, humans are happier, stronger and more humane, if you will, when we seek out and promote the relative strengths of each sex and strive to minimize the weaknesses of each group. Best wishes - Mike

Klim - while I've stated previously that a relationship is only the business of the three people involved, that was meant as a joke. When I was dating, I only associated myself with women who were legally and emotionally available to me. It sounds to me like your friend is not - the reasons for his lack of total availability are not important - good guy or not. Sorry but that's how I see it. :-\ Good luck - Mike

I'm not certain but I think you may be. Her life is more important to her than your's. Your life is more important to you than it is to her. These are the facts. It's generally true for all of us. But isn't that the way is should be? Each of us, with our own specific life demands, cannot always help our buddies to the extent that they would wish we could. I wish it was different but that's just the way it is. Best wishes - Mike

April posted this in another post and I felt this could be a great topic on it's own: "I wasn't even going to tell my children how he died.. but the therapist said I needed to.. they needed to hear it from me not through the grapevine." I was forced into telling the boys. Even though my youngest found my wife's body, he had no idea what had truly happened. I had shoo'd them out of the house and while we were all in the front yard the police and EMTs arrived. The boys were inconsolable but J. choked out "Why would someone kill Mom? I was a mess myself and I could only tell them "That's not what happened." It would be a few days later, after they had badgered me, that I told them the truth. While very hard, for my kids at least, it was best for me to give them the news. I was suddenly their everything and they didn't trust anyone else for anything at all. With all the events surrounding T.'s death, dealing with kids and how it all affected them was the worst. Ugh. My poor little guys. :'( Mike

I don't want to hijack this thread so I started a new one with this as the topic. I'm sure we all struggled with this in some fashion. Best wishes - Mike

There are some situations where no one is wrong and this may be one of them. You are not overreacting - if it doesn't feel right to you then you are entirely within your rights to have said "No" to your cousin. However, perhaps your cousin felt that his suggestion was a positive and caring gesture to make in honor of your husband. We just don't know. Best wishes - Mike

Agreed - don't stress over this. My kids were also pretty direct about telling others that didn't know that their mother died. It sounds to me that your son is doing very well - all things considered. Best wishes - Mike

After my late wife passed I ripped out all the landscaping and replaced it, did a complete (down to the studs) demo and remodel of the kitchen and master bath, and painted every other room in the house. So, yes. I stopped when I ran out of rooms to redo. Best wishes - Mike

SVS, I am sorry you have misunderstood me. I meant my 'ashamed' comment to be limited to those acts of folks who exclaim "It's not fair" and the like. I stand by it – I feel it is childish to put forth such statements. My comment was not directed to anyone suffering from any degree of mental stress. Further, you’re right – each of us are free to say whatever we wish within the guidelines of the board. However, that doesn’t mean a reader must agree with that statement. And thank you to the others attempting to help me understand the trials of depression, etc. Seriously, I mean it. But it is truly unnecessary - as you may remember, my late wife died as a result of her depression of 18 years. I, like many of you, have seen firsthand what it can do and what it’s like to live with. I was lucky in that I could fall back on my training after my combat tours (Navy Corpsman attached to elements of the 1st Marine Division) provided by the Bureau of Navy Psychology Training Programs at Bethesda Naval Hospital. After that, I was stationed at Yokusuka (Japan) Naval Hospital providing psychiatric services to Navy personnel and their dependents. Much of my work consisted of working with patients with what is now called PTSD. I saw enough of it in the field and in psychiatric wards in the Navy to last me forever. I know both what it is, and also, what it is not. I completed my service and training at Balboa Naval Hospital (San Diego) providing the same type of care. I don’t claim to know it all. I am always open to learn something new or be pointed in a different direction by anyone. Please reach out to me at any time to help me along. I welcome your input. Ladies, look – I know I come across as a bit of a hard ass sometimes – especially when we discuss feelings or mental issues here. I may in fact be. But it troubles me greatly when any one does what I consider to be whining (here or IRL) and then receive what I term the ‘tea and cookies’ type of treatment from the untrained. My professional experience, although dated, has led me to believe it simply doesn’t help the one suffering. I hope you’ll excuse me for pushing back. Poor therapies offered by unskilled, although very well meaning, folks can be harmful. I’m afraid we will have to just disagree on many of these items. I am simply sharing what I know in hopes that it may be of use to someone else here. Nothing more, nothing less. April, I understand what your husband experienced and, as a fellow medic/corpsman, I hold his spirit close to my heart. He was a healer in the field and provided tender care to those that needed it the most and gave his life in service to others. No matter the branch of service, we all lived and died by the motto “Leave no man behind.” May his memory be Eternal. Best wishes - Mike

You had me up until this statement. I would submit that a positive outlook very rarely interferes with a normal processing of grief – even that of a person that might be derisively called ‘incurably optimistic’. It’s been my experience that those that hold positive thoughts throughout all of their trials, no matter how ugly they may be, seldom are unaware of what has truly transpired. They simply face the hard truths of their experience squarely and decide to try to concentrate on all for which they have to be thankful. On the other hand, a negative and ‘woe is me’ outlook, while understandable for a time, will, invariably, drag one down into a deeper hell than that which has already been visited upon the poor soul who experiences it. Mental health professionals have rough but well thought out guidelines upon which to compare the parameters (length is one measure for instance) of grief to see if falls into the area where intervention is necessary to return the griever to health. While it is true that each of our experiences while being widowed is unique - that does not mean that each of our reactions to the death of our spouse can be considered healthy or even ‘normal’. I believe that idea to be a fallacy and potentially very harmful. I find it a bit sad that April’s post here where she promotes happiness and the idea that keeping your chin up for your own well-being attracts comparatively few supporters. A few others even caution against her (wonderful) outlook. Sadder still are the numerous other posts over the years where one states “It’s not fair!” or “It wasn’t supposed to be this way!” or even worse, one is jealous of another couple or individual. The response to those group of posts seem to attract a chorus of widespread agreement and concurrence. What are we – seven years old? Not fair? Nothing in life is fair. Why would one think it would be? I’d be ashamed to admit such feelings if I had them. Reinforcing misery does just that – reinforces it. It does nothing to lessen the very real anguish of the person suffering. While it is comforting to know someone else felt similarly at one time, to pile on and say ‘Yeah, me too.” simply prolongs it and does not contribute at all to the eventual return to normalcy. Best wishes - Mike

I tend to agree with Trying that us guys are not normally looking for friends on a dating site. Not saying your date isn't just I've never known a guy to do that. If he hasn't been in contact with you much since your date perhaps he has decided you really aren't his cup of tea. I know it's disappointing but that's what this 'getting to know you' period is all about. Keep your chin up! There are lots of good guys out there. Good luck - Mike