Baylee627

I noticed a new topic for tattoos, and remembered there was an earlier one, so I have merged the two tattoo threads to make them one, cohesive thread. Just FYI in case I've created confusion and it appears as though the "Memorial Tats" thread just evaporated into thin air! Baylee

I hate that the staff at my doctor's office is as slow as molasses. They ask that patients show up at least 20 minutes early but then have no problem making the patients wait 45 minutes or more past their appointment times. Which wouldn't bother me if I didn't need to rush back to work! I hate that my performance has plummeted at work. I used to be diligent and efficient, and now, I make ridiculous blunders and oversights. Lately, I'm worried that my boss thinks I'm washed up. I hate that there's not one aspect of my life that hasn't been affected or decimated by being widowed. Baylee

This thread topic is ingenious! And timely. Current grievances: Self-absorbed family and friends who deluge me with their own damn problems like since Im widowed I ain't got shit to do or worry about. I wanna give 'em all the finger and tell them to find a therapist! Or perhaps I should begin charging by the hour...there's a thought. A couple girlfriends of mine. One (tilted her head, pursed her lips and squinted an eye) appraised it should take me about three years to move on from grieving, while another smiled and "reassured" me that her mom lost her stepdad four years ago and is still in the throes of grief...as if that were a positive outlook for me. Ya gotta love unsolicited armchair psychiatry from people whose worlds haven't imploded with calamitous effect. Feeling pushed (beyond my coping skills) to do things I don't want to do and go places I don't want to go. DH really insulated me from these types of things. And I miss that. My vulnerabilities scare me. I wish I could I could tell certain folks to kiss my widda ass but there just isn't a courteous way to say exactly that. So frustrated--I feel like I'm a fairly plainspoken communicator, yet I feel misunderstood or not heard at all most days. Even when I'm abjectly succinct about my wants or needs...it matters not, people have their own agendas, and only want my (unwilling) subscription to them. Ok, that vent felt hella good! Blood pressure may even be somewhat regulated for the moment! Baylee

Starbucks. Yes, it's a chain, but their lattes are just the way I like them! At a water park: Languishing in the lazy river --OR-- Venturing down a thrilling tube ride?

My brother--Bubby--called to see how my Easter went down today with my in-laws. I said: It was painful, tearful. Bubby: (audible and disgusted exhale), oh my gawd, seriously? At some point the tide should turn and days like today should be fun. When are you going to move on? I fiercely lurve my Bubby, but the guy just only recently refrained from drunk dialing his widowed sister on the regular, and still has a proclivity for ordering up his next decade younger, one-night stand on an iPhone app. But *I'm* the one with an attachment issue. Mmm-kay.... Baylee

If the definition of "sexy" has been expanded to include lodging myself on the couch, wearing a collegiate tee and Adidas pants, I'm in! I'll even throw in a glass (or two) of Moscato whilst watching my Lifetime movie, just to add some "sizzle". Not that I need that with my hair swept up into a messy bun. But just sayin'. Baylee

I wish you the best possible experience car shopping/purchasing tomorrow. My hope for you is that it will even be something you can count as having been positive. Meanwhile, I am sorry about the mean-spirited text from your BIL. It would be a wonderful world, indeed, if we ALL didn't have to worry about selecting and financing a headstone for our young spouse. Too bad your BIL doesn't remember that. I suspect your sister and you will mend fences, and I hope this occurs sooner rather than later. Life's too short for her to waste any of it being miffed at her sis/BFF, especially one who needs her I understand the propensity to self-re criminate on what we coulda/shouldawoulda done to prevent our spouses' untimely demises. Scenarios like these encircle my head like a ticker tape all too often. You already realize, as I do, they ultimately answer no questions or change any circumstance. Still, it's hard to shut it off, not to feel like you're coming unraveled by it, and I feel for your pain. You love/loved Alex so much, and that rings true in all of your posts. Check back in and fill us in on how the car shopping went, ok, AW? Baylee *Edited for clarity.

Hit yoga again tonight. We've been into the "twisting poses", which are my favorite variety of yoga poses...so it sweetened the deal for me to attend this evening, I guess you could say! Baylee

Kamcho, that is freaking hilarious! Victoria! Musing if you should clothe her! Widow paparazzi!! I was sitting here sobbing over Brooks and your post had me in stitches. Thank you. Just thank you. Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled program, er, thread! Baylee

I'm Christian, but I am not of the accord that "everything happens for a reason." Accidents and random events happen. And no, I don't believe they are "God's will." I, too, hate when people casually toss out this phrase as if: well, that explains it! This happened for a reason! Now, all I need to do is discover the reason because that's the key! That's just plain ridiculous. Baylee

I do not visit often. Typically only on special dates or holidays. I actually despise going. I hate seeing his name etched in granite, so cold and final, and the dates. And then I burst into tears when I get into the car and pull away. I can climb into the car and leave, but he can't. I feel like I'm abandoning him (even though I believe his spirit isn't six feet under along with his body)....I can't get past that feeling. And it undoes me. It typically takes me a couple of days to recoup any semblance of composure. I wish I felt comforted at his gravesite; I just don't. He shouldn't be there at all. Baylee

Yup, I know the feeling all too well, AW. This past weekend I was helping a couple of friends from my church move into their new house, and it was hard to stifle the tears welling up when I overheard my friend's two besties teasing her about *which* guest room would be the nursery, and one of them exclaiming, "Katie girl, you're next!"--next to get pregnant. And all I could think of was that Brooks and I bought a spacious home a year ago as part of baby prep. A baby that would never get conceived or born. I'm so sorry. This un-granted desire carries a lot of painful weight. And it's so hard to steel yourself to appear happy when yet another lady announced her pregnancy like it's just the natural progression of life. If only that were the case for everyone who wanted to be parents. Baylee

This!!!! Yes, ma'am. Professorial and witty?? Fuhgettaboudit! Baylee

Congrats, missy! You deserve this. Enjoy your moment---you did it!!! Baylee

Brooks enjoyed old, classic country, such as Hank Williams, Jr, Waylon Jennings, etc. But he also held affinity f or classic rock, as well. But The Beatles would have topped his list. He could quote even some of their most obscure lyrics. They just touched his soul. Baylee

That does it! Mitts off, Carey, this "man-prize" is mine!! Lol. Something tells me this asswipe is gonna be a Singles' Hall of Famer. Baylee

Attraction is a component of a healthy relationship. It's gotta be there, and be reciprocal. I don't think this is shallow. Shallow would be if you were to assert: I only date models with pneumatic hooters! Eye roll! Attraction is also a curious thing. I don't play to type, and none of the guys I dated and fell for "back in the day" shared any physical attributes. But there was a certain something about each one of them that held me transfixed, even though my friends would be puzzled why I even dated some of these guys. Whateva, hooches! It was that way with DH, also. He had beautiful coloring, but his personality is what brought his features out. I'm not sure I was his type, either, judging by some of the trollops--whoops!--I meant, "ladies", he dated before I came along. I think attraction is imperative because it's part of what holds each partner's interest for the short- and long-term. Baylee

Talk about repulsed! Was the mere prospect of him sniffing your fanny supposed to make you swoon??? It mystifies me how he'd think you'd find that provocative. Yuck! He can go right back in POF 'S sea! Baylee

Attended evening yoga again...slap it high!! Baylee

MrsTim85, those lyrics are beautiful, they just clasp your heart and hold it tightly. I'm going to check that out on i-tunes. And thank you for being brave enough to post it, and allowing the words to reveal themselves again to you. I know that's no small thing. Brooks loved the Beatles, too. He'd sing little snippets of various lyrics. This particular Lennon song haunts me niw, but no other song captures how innocent and pure our feelings were for each other. Baylee

Good analogy. Yes, I definitely feel as if I'm on a hamster wheel or treadmill or whatever is getting me nowhere I want to go, and fast. Or, more accurately, painstakingly slowly. There's a lot of monotony involved in widowhood. All the work of living life remains (plus--bonus!--add to that the work your spouse helped out with that now you are responsible for), but most of the joyful parts of living life have been excised. I know God has a plan, always does, but His timing does not align with mine. Baylee

When I married Brooks, I had zero trepidation or doubt. He was meant to be my husband. There was nothing murky about it. Everything was clear and certain. One of my songs to Brooks was "Oh My Love" by John Lennon. Oh my love, for the first time in my life My eyes are wide open. Oh my lover, for the first time in my life, My eyes can see. I see the wind; oh I see he trees, Everything is clear in my heart. I see the clouds; oh, I see the sky Everything is clear in our world. Oh my love, for the first time in my life, My mind is wide open. Oh my lover for the first time in my life, My mind can feel. I feel sorrow, oh I feel dreams, Everything is clear in my heart. I feel life, oh, I feel love, Everything is clear in our world. I love you, Brooks. You loved me. There wasn't anything in our world unclear about that. Baylee

Damn, I meant: call me a cab!! Lol. But thanks for obliging my odd request to be called a can. And after imbibing, I probably won't give two shits what I'm called. Or even remember. Baylee

My "dock" is Heavenly Father. That's my foundation. I'll admit my tie is a tenuous one. Admittedly, I don't always like His ways, His methods, and definitely not His timing. I don't always understand His will, His plans, or why He allows certain things. He's alright with that, I believe. He was once human, Himself! Yet, a strand of my faith has survived all that I've endured because my faith is foundational to me. It's rooted at my core, and there's comfort in knowing that God is within me (within my heart), around me, and above me. His plans--which stretch so far and wide that I can't view them all at once, are made with my best in mind, even if I don't always enjoy some of them, in the short-term. Baylee

Yes to umbrella drinks, yes to amaretto sours, yes to moscato, yes to a nice Reisling, and hell yes to a 7 and 7!! Will someone call me a can at the end of my visit?! Baylee