Baylee627

You have such a right and remarkable outlook, knowing that despite the misery of your most recent marriage, and the challenges of your present, you are desiring of a healthy future, fully aware that you deserve it. Confined to your marriage, I don't feel you were positioned for any of these desires to be fulfilled. I think they would have remained only the private wishes of a sweet and heartsick, hallowed - out lady. As for protecting yourself, I don't know that there's a guaranteed, foolproof method for that. As luck would not have it, many liars are consummate professionals. They retain the uncanny ability to fool good people for a reason: they are damn good at it. But that's on them, not on you. I will volunteer that after my ex con-tastic husband and I parted ways I had friends and family help vector me in the dating world. Normally, I'm very reticent to discuss relationship details, but after the three-ring debacle that was that ex-marriage, I decided to seek guidance whilst navigating the dating scene from my supporters who wouldn't be too timid to make me confront red flags. If something seemed suspect, I'd run it by them. You're knocked off your balance discernment wise. But you can, and you will regain it back. Keep going. Baylee

Oh my, wow. I can definitely validate any disquiet you felt over that dream...my goodness. That would have rattled me, for sure. It was kinda a twisty, sickening scenario. I think with the year mark looming, your recent move, and the new guy, your mind is entertaining the worry about whether Joe would approve or not. We've probably all heard the theory that we play out our deep-seated fears in our dreams as a coping mechanism, as a way to practice handling our fears, should they come to fruition. This dream of yours may fit that: you want for Joe to be proud of your decisions, to know that he would nod assent to them. But your fear--I believe, unfounded--is that he wouldn't. Such a natural wid fear, I believe! He loved you so much. I don't think for a second he'd want for his legacy to be that his death paralyzed you, that it destroyed the woman of resolve you are. No, I think you ARE living the life commensurate with his wishes for you, you who must go on. Baylee

I'm enormously disenchanted with "friends" who make a deceptive pretense of not planning to attend an event, and then circumvent the uninvited , go to the event and then have the temerity to plaster pics of themselves at the event all over FB. It's called, "couth". Perhaps they should read about it. Baylee

Oh my gosh! I hope those messages will be retrievable! Anything our loved ones wrote or typed carry so much value and meaning. I just sent up a prayer for you regarding this. July 4th left me gloomy. Brooks adored July 4th. He liked all the hubbub of activity--family cookouts, (the man didn't meet a hamburger he didn't love, or wolf down!), watching his nephews running in the yard, wielding sparklers, taking in the fireworks show from the deck of his lake house, and--he'd be too sheepish to admit it, but July 4th was the official kickoff towards his birthday at the end of the month. My parents put on a small fireworks display, and it was pretty, but I felt incomplete and detached without Brooks. He made everything in my life all the more special. Baylee

This scenario is more common than not, and I can certainly attest to it having been prevalent amongst my "friends" after having been widowed. It honestly vexes me, and I don't give people a pass for it. I guess it's that I'm fiercely loyal to my family and friends--that's just my way, and so I can't comprehend (or respect) how people drop their once - beloved pal because they are now spouseless and hurting. I've got a couple friends right now in some horrendous circumstances of their own. It's unthinkable that I'd leave their side. I call them my friends for a reason--I love them. I don't really find something like this defensible. More like, despicable. Baylee

Nothing the matter with your initial post, smabify. Sometimes, just venting helps. It hurts no one. Baylee

Ladies who say, "mah husband," an absurd amount of times in any one conversation, emphasizing the word, husband, when she could just say his name to refer to him. It smacks of smugness, and it makes me wince. Yes, hoocheroo, I acknowledge and applaud you successfully coaxed him down the damned aisle, so color me impressed, and STFU! Baylee

Today's lil happies: Yoga taught by my favorite instructor, who happens to be battling breast cancer. She's a freaking She-ra warrior princess, and she just radiates warmth and goodness. Off from work today, so I languished in bed with my morning caffeine fix. Adore these kinds of mornings:) Baylee

Lil happies for today: Purchased a whole host of cleaning products today with a gift card I'd had stashed away. I lurve me some cleaning products, and for free? Boom! Father of the Bride parts 1 and 2 were showing today on this afternoon's cable line-up. Those movies are so benign, sweet, and innocent, and that lil classy Diane Keaton is my absolute favorite actress, ever! Listening to my dog Pumpkin, snoring by my side. Her kind lil presence brings me such comfort. Baylee

The subject of marriage is a relevant topic on this board. The OP did not violate any precept or guideline. At all. Let's reason together that our board is comprised of members with vastly varying beliefs, religions, values, backgrounds, etc, and be respectful towards all. If you suspect a thread topic will strike up your ire from the get-go, you can always exercise your freedom to refrain from entering that thread. This rule of thumb might save any offended feelings on your part. (Again, just a suggestion. Members are always free to visit whatever thread they choose to). And I just want to add that General Discussions offers members the opportunity to post about anything on their lil widowed minds. For instance...the "This or That" thread---it's not really a widowed - related topic, (or any one, particular, discernible topic;) but it's one of our most popular threads. I'm a frequent flier on that one, for sure! Carry on, widda peeps. Baylee

Totally relatable. Sometimes, there is no answer, reason, or logic, no matter how desperately they are sought by us or folks around us. I don't suppose I'll ever heal from this loss, or secure the answers to a few questions that still haunt me. If I held out hope to obtain healing or those answers, I may be waiting indefinitely. Baylee

^^^It's gonna take time to for your reflexive feeling of being awash in fear each time he phones. Fear is ingrained in you secondary to the deteriorating, ruinous situation you endured for years. You're a literal phoenix rising from the ashes. Seriously. Meantime, assemble a playlist of songs with empowering lyrics that you can listen to when you need a fresh boost. Might I suggest, "Baggage Claim", by that sassy lil miss, Miranda Lambert:) The only way to prevail is to not give up or give in. Baylee

Awesomesauce! Congratulations!! Baylee

Missing: Brooks, his deep voice bellowing, "Hey, Sugar Machine," each evening upon arriving home. Brooks dialing me incessantly while I was out and about--just to check on me. (And to think I was ever aggravated by this. Stupid woman). Brooks, trying and failing, to stealthily fetch my Saturday morning coffee and banana bread, and then laying beside me, chattering away, while I ate. Brooks, eyes twinkling, right eyebrow arching, and hands gesturing wildly as he regaled someone with a story. Brooks, and his big ol' heart, who couldn't pass by a person in need and not (quietly) help them. Brooks, sitting opposite me on the cold tile bathroom floor, eyes focused on mine, talking me down from a panic attack. Brooks, finding reasons to smile no matter what the doctors expressed. Brooks, firmly clasping my hand in his, everywhere we went. Brooks. Just, Brooks. Baylee

You know that saying about "best laid plans"? Because if any members' lives with their spouses had gone according to plan, none of us would be here. Life is for the living. If you like this girl, I'd suggest not waiting to ask. Especially if the feeling is mutual on her end...I can't speak for Charming Girl, but most ladies I've known would prefer their admirer ask her out sooner rather than later. Just my lil thoughts. Good luck and report back! Baylee

Why that's wonderful news! May this new chapter be long and lovestruck! Baylee

Just, ewww...He's in need of heavy-duty pharmaceuticals. If they even manufacture a pill for what he has... Remain undeterred. Forward motion, SR. Do not capitulate to his menagerie of manipulation. Baylee

Concur with all the above posters: let 'em have the bench, but let 'em pay for it. Baylee

The cold, hard truth is that this is quite par for the course. Initially, family and friends are eager to offer condolences. It's when it comes time to offer "support", do they flee. Some flee because your tragedy overburdens their circuits. Some flee because they aren't up to the wearing task of being there for you emotionally and physically. Some run for the hills because you are now a subliminal symbol to them of death, and it occurs to them that your reality could become theirs. Therefore, they need to dissociate with you. You'll especially witness this in your married friends. As someone who is now widowed, they no longer may find commonality with you. (Married folks with everyday problems gravitate towards other married folks with everyday problems). It happens for a myriad of reasons--none of which do I find excusable, in the slightest. My widowhood basically hindered all of my key friendships. Friends I thought would undergird me with care and concern were actually first to depart. It compounds our loss when family and friends do this. But they won't understand this until it's their turn, more than likely. I am so sorry; I know full well--as do plenty of our fellow wids--how much this has blindsided you and stings. Baylee

Let me preface by admitting that my house is a bit of a shrine to my LH, Brooks. Nothing much has budged so much as an inch since he died 15 months ago. My feeling is this: Brooks didn't leave me--he died. I loved and still madly love him, even though I'm trying to take steps forward. But what does relegating his things to some darkened corner or closet do?? It wouldn't magically change my status as a widow of 15 months. It comforts me to see our wedding pictures or his face grinning up at me framed throughout the house. And, why not? He gave me precious memories, and these mementos honor him. Anyone who visits my home and is disconcerted by the presence of these items can just hit the bricks, ya know? Same goes for dating. If I were out on the market, I couldn't deal with someone new coming in and encouraging me to eradicate all traces of Brooks or our marriage from my home. Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. I'm moving forward, and my memories of Brooks is coming along, too. Baylee

Jodi, unfortunately, you do belong here. I am so downtrodden every time I see a new wid join our group. It's unfair and horrific to find yourself needing to reach out to a widows' support group. It's an alternate reality, and it's jolting. I'm sorry for the abrupt and painful loss of your husband. Please feel free to post as often as you need to. You'll find empathy, support, concern, and even a bit of humor from the extraordinary people of this board. Be as gentle on yourself as possible. Do only those tasks that are crucial; let everything else lie for the time being. Keep hydrated with plenty of water and juice--sobbing really robs your body of electrolytes it needs (not to mention, grief, itself, depletes you of every reserve of energy). Eat whatever feeds your soul. And engage in only activities you enjoy--even if it's only mildly, such as watching a movie. These are the bits of advice handed down to me that I found useful, in addition to what posters have mentioned above. Heartbroken for you, missy. Baylee

Mine is: dawiddahood.wordpress.com. Stop by, if the mood hits ya! Baylee

Kinda humming this same tune myself, JJ. The skies are clear and bright, but they may as well be grey and dismal, so as to reflect my outlook. There are so many wids on this board who I just wish I was closer in proximity to--you being one. I could pop over to your hacienda bearing cookies and wine (and freshly made sweet tea, cuz yes I do love it) and we could laugh until we cry or cry until we laugh. But, I know all about these doldrums. I think it's because the road stretches out before us, so barren- and bleak-appearing. While that may not be factual (because we can't accurately predict the future), it sure as hell feels that way. Hugs and hand pats, Lil Doll. Baylee

Ok, that would be jarring to dip my toes back into the water and by pure twist of fate, my new dating prospect meet with his own brush with death. That would have unnerved me greatly. It's not you. You are not the kiss of death. If you were that means you'd have made out with all our dearly departed loved ones...in which case, you'd have some serious splainin' to do! But you didn't. I'm working towards accepting that these things just happen, ya know? So, once you've collected yourself, please be encouraged to get back out there, whether it's with this guy or with someone new. Baylee

Fireman!! So stinkin' hot...all that climbing and flexing forearms lifting hoses, suh-weet lawd... (That is what you meant, right? I hope I didn't just turn "This or That" upside down with my semi-tawdry reverie). Quickly moving on! Let's see... Margarita --or-- Daiquiri?