Devastated and Mortified

[lcoxwell]

Today is the 18 month anniversary of my Kenneth's death, so when I saw a little message on my phone that Kenneth's mom had posted something on my Facebook timeline, I smiled. Until I read the message. My mother-in-law chose to pick the 18 month anniversary of his death to publicly embarrass me. She actually went on Facebook to ask if I could start sending her $200 a month, since she paid for Kenneth's funeral. She didn't have the decency to call or text or send a private message. She just posted it right there for any of my friends or family to see.

 

My sister was so upset, that she felt the need to respond. Then Kenneth's sister got involved. She and my mother-in-law both hurled insults about me, and his sister was very insulting. I was too shocked and hurt to say anything. I cannot tell you how devastated I am that private matters, which should have been kept private, were dragged into the public, due to classless, insensitive people, who were making an effort to bring me down and drag my name through the mud. Finally, my mother apparently put a stop to it, when she decided to post a comment. My mother is very classy and put my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in their places in a very ladylike manner. What she said must have hit home, because the post was finally taken down. Still, I am devastated and mortified.

 

Today should have been a day that I was focusing on memories of my Kenneth, possibly shedding a tear or two, because I miss him. Instead, I ended up shedding tears, because I am completely embarrassed.

[Brenda]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with in-law issues.  Sounds like your mother helped you resolve it conclusively, but with these things the damage is done at the outset.

 

Funnily enough, I was coming here this morning to post about how my own in-laws are still stuck in my head and affecting my daily life, even though we no longer have any contact whatsoever.  Long story, not worth reading.  But your post made me realize how "lucky" I am, in a way, to no longer be burdened to any significant extent by a classless, nasty family that I married into.  And at least mine keep their nastiness hidden from public view and don't spread it all over the internet - at least for now - so I'll count my blessings.

 

So sending you a hug and a giant bottle of Jack Daniels (or Valium).

 

Question: where do you see your relationship with your in-laws going?  After mine gave me a sharp shove out of their family following my wife's death, something I've pretty much survived with very little difficulty whatsoever, I often find myself wondering if there's any point keeping certain people in your life after the death of a spouse if they aren't supportive, positive, and conducive to rebuilding our shattered lives?

[Trying]

That is an incredibly low, tacky and hurtful thing to do!  I am so sorry you had to go through that.  People who know you, know you and will see your inlaws for what they are and peop,e who are on the side of your inlaws are not people you need contact with.  Of course that doesn't stop the hurt and emarrassment you feel.  I hope you have blocked the whole lot of them!

 

I seem to remember you saying Kenneth's family was not supportive throughout his prolonged illness so you were already aware of their character.  Rid these people from your life in every way. And God bless your mom!  I love that she was able to shut them up without sinking to their level.

 

Big hugs

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

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[donswife]

I am glad your Mom put them in their place about that classless act

sounds like these are people you no longer need in your life

but that doesn't help stop the sting from them from being less hurtful

sorry this is how you started your day

[Jess]

First, I hope you did an immediate unfriend of those two. Just ridiculous!

 

I have a MIL issue myself. She has always been a schemer and a thief. Some of her highlights include helping my husband sell his car for 5k so we could pay for our wedding and then spending all of the money and stealing his identity to get a credit card that charged off due to non-payment (we found out about that when we went to buy or house). I wouldn't be shocked if she consulted a lawyer after her son died to see what she could get from me since she consulted a lawyer when her ex-husband died that she had been divorced from for 20 years to try to get access to his land, despite the fact both she and he had remarried.

 

I can't even begin to explain why your MIL did that, but I think the reason is that we are the types of people that would never do such a thing. I'm so sorry, lcoxwell.

[Carey]

Please don't send one red cent to that woman.  He was her son, if she paid for the funeral then good for her.  I would cut all contact, up to and including removing her from your facebook friends. That is just cold and unconscionable. I am SO sorry you had to deal with that honey ....

[SoVerySad]

Gosh, L, I'm so sorry you had to deal with such meanness. Sending you love and tight hugs...

[Mizpah]

Nightmare on top of nightmare.  I'm so sorry.  I hope you can reclaim this day for good, loving thoughts and a state of mind focused on him.  I'm so sorry.  How ugly. 

[calimom]

Your mom's a rockstar and your MIL is a complete bitch.  Agree with the above advice to unfriend her from your FB. No need to be "friends" with such a toxic woman.

 

Just for clarity: who wanted the big embalming/laying out/church-y funeral/expensive tombstone?  You? or Mil?  If it was you, you likely need to pay back MIL.  If it was MIL, well, it's on her.  If it was a mutually agreed upon expense, probably, split the difference.  Death is so expensive in our culture, and funeral directors and religious traditions can really jack the bill up.

 

There's a lot to be said for cremation and/or plain pine boxes.

[Quixote]

Another vote for cutting her off.  I don't know about you, but grief gave me no room for toxic people who thrive on drama and conflict. We give family a bit more slack, but there's limits. Your MiL is pushing beyond them

[serpico]

I only ask this question because I know how some older people can be on Facebook...is it possible she posted it to your timeline by mistake and didn't realize everyone would see it? I've seen this happen before, and it's almost always been done by people less used to technology.

 

If this isn't a possibility I'm with everyone else that blocking her is a good idea.  As for paying her, that depends on what the understanding was when the death care decisions were made and also who made them.

[klim]

I only ask this question because I know how some older people can be on Facebook...is it possible she posted it to your timeline by mistake and didn't realize everyone would see it?

 

I thought of this too because that is what my aunt does ALL the time.

 

 

 

 

He was her son, if she paid for the funeral then good for her. ....

 

I also thought this.

 

 

.....so I guess I could have pushed the "like" button 

[Needytoo]

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this.  Not fair at all. 

[Jen]

I. Am. Appalled!! ((((((Leslie)))))))

 

I am so, so sorry. Your MIL should be publicly horsewhipped. How dare she??!?! 

 

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, sweetie. Nothing at all. (((((more hugs)))))

[momtokam]

I have no words.....

 

So disgusting of your MIL.

[Wheelerswife]

I've read this a few times, trying to find words.  I still haven't found any that might comfort you.  I guess the most I can say is that you know your own conscience.  They behaved poorly.  They should not have done what they did.  You don't have to respond to their defaming behavior.  They don't sound like people with whom I would like to keep company.  Maintain safe distance.  And as far as Facebook goes, I have found that keeping an "enemy" (John's irrational/delusional step-son)  as a "friend" at least lets me know what he is up to.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[canadiangirl]

So sorry, lcoxwell.  It has all been said, except you can also remove stuff like that from your timeline yourself.  If you do not unfriend them, you can hide their posts and save yourself embarrassment, right away.  The little arrow pointing down at the top of each post.  Such a toxic move by his family, it's just not right.  ((lcoxwell))

[Jess]

And as far as Facebook goes, I have found that keeping an "enemy" (John's irrational/delusional step-son)  as a "friend" at least lets me know what he is up to.

 

Truthfully, this is why I have not unfriended my awful MIL. She lives on the other side of the country thankfully but keeps talking about visiting AZ. I don't need any surprises.

[DonnaP]

Hi L!

I am chiming in late, but want to add my words to the others. Please don't let your MIL bring you down. It is awful that she chose to do what she did, and I can only say that people should think a little more before putting their voice into words for all to see. I'm struggled myself with wanting to write a letter to my psycho sister-in-law. To tell her how hurtful her actions have been. And also to my MIL, who hasn't done anything outwardly, but is too much controlled by her daughter (psycho SIL) to be her own person.

 

In the end, I decided to just let them all go. Having them in my life has only brought more pain and unhappiness. It is really ashame. Because I am the kind of daughter in law who would have gone out of her way to help my MIL, take her shopping or to a doctor's appointment. Now, I'm out of the loop and don't even call her anymore. It makes me sad.

 

Hang in there, sweetie. It's not you. It's them!

Donna

[RobFTC]

Hi L, your MIL has all the class of a toadstool, but I am so glad that you and your Mom got her share.  Hugs!

 

Take care,

Rob T

[lcoxwell]

I have been utterly swamped the last couple of weeks, so I have not had an opportunity to come here and thank you all for your support and kind words. I think what hurt so much was knowing that the actions of both my MIL and SIL were both very purposeful and taken with the intention of hurting and/or embarrassing me publicly. They both knew good and well what they were doing. My SIL's actions especially bothered me, because I had given her a home in our house for a few years, when no one else in her family would let her live with them. I also gave her a cell phone, which I continue to carry on my cell phone plan and to pay for each month, because I know that is the only way she would have a phone. (She has physical and mental health issues, which interfere with her ability to get a job, though she keeps applying for one).

 

Ironically, after they attacked me, some of Kenneth's family "unfriended" me on Facebook, as if I was the one who had done something wrong. I am okay with that. They ignored Kenneth for the last few years of his life, and always treated his kids as if they were second class citizens in their own family. They never really included me or my kids as part of the family, either, and never call to check on me or send messages to see how I am doing. The only time I ever hear from any of them is when they want something from me.

 

At first, I was going to take the high road and simply ignore the attack, but then thought better of it. It wasn't the first time that family had done something like this to me, and I realized that by keeping quiet, the truth would continue to be hidden. I also realized, that if I refused to respond, and if I did not defend myself publicly, they would continue to pull these kind of hurtful stunts. For better or worse, I ended up posting my own, rather lengthy response to their attack, once I had the time to gather my thoughts. I laid it all out, telling everyone about things that I would have rather kept private, but knowing that it was the only way to deal with that toxic group of people.

 

There are a couple of them, who are still friends of mine on Facebook, so I know that the entire family has seen what I had to say, by now. Since posting my response, I have not heard a peep from any of them. I am okay with that, too.