Tips for Year Two?

[jlp]

I suppose this should go into the "The first year and beyond" category, but I thought I would try to expand to include as many thoughts and ideas as possible.

 

I entered year two on July 3 of this year and I am really struggling.  As sick as it seems, I find myself sometimes briefly wishing for the shock and numbness of the early weeks/months.  I was in total shock the first three months and the next three, slightly less.  Still, I can't believe what I accomplished during those months.  I was operating on shock and adrenaline and was so productive.

 

But now?  The shock is long gone and so is most of the grief.  I'm just depressed.  I just can't get enthused about anything.  Nothing seems to bring me joy and even things that I found so therapeutic last summer (being outside and working in the yard) just seem like one more thing I've got to deal with.

 

How do people find meaning and purpose again?  I thought that maybe because I don't have children it might be worse for me, but from reading various posts here, I know that to not be the case.

 

I'm doing what I can to stay engaged, to exercise, eat right, etc.  But I just can't seem to catch a break on anything and I'm really running out of enthusiasm.  So that people don't worry unnecessarily, I do see a mental health professional (next appointment in ten days) and as great as she is, she is still a DGI.

 

I am encourage by posts I've seen that tell me to keep hanging on, things will get better.  I can't help but think that they will, but if anyone has any comforting advice in the meantime, I would be most appreciative.

 

[Virgo]

I'm 19 months out and still have waves of grief. It's not like it was in the beginning, but more a depression like what you described. When I fall into those lows I try to set goals for myself. Just little daily 'to do' lists. That seems to help me. You might want to think about long term goals too. Was there anything you've always wanted to learn how to do? Have you thought about going back to school? Maybe a house project you've always wanted to do?

 

 

[Guaruj]

I believe you have been grieving longer than I have... by one day. My wife, Catherine, died of a rare cancer on July 4, 2014. Our situation may have been different from yours in that she was initially diagnosed with sarcoma 8 years before that. Like you and your husband, Catherine and I did not have children, either.

 

I'm doing what I can to stay engaged, to exercise, eat right, etc.  But I just can't seem to catch a break on anything and I'm really running out of enthusiasm.

 

It sounds like you're doing the right things. Have you done any traveling lately? Many people here find that helpful. I did some of that myself this summer, and I have an American Excess card balance to show for it.

 

So that people don't worry unnecessarily, I do see a mental health professional (next appointment in ten days) and as great as she is, she is still a DGI.

 

I don't know what you mean by "DGI". I looked that up on Wikipedia and actually found some funny results, but I suspect you're not in the mood for jokes about this right now.

 

I don't have any tips for you yet, other than to try new things. Winter is coming to Minnesota. Do you have any plans to enjoy it? Here in Massachusetts, I just bought a ski pass to a mountain where I can ski at night after work. I found out that a friend of mine will be going there too. For those reasons, I now have a reason to want a snowy winter this year.

 

I hope you find ways to enjoy yourself in the coming months.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[klim]

DGI  "don't get it"s              they haven't walked in our shoes.

 

mind you when I first interpreted DGI I was being dyslexic and thought it was "god damn idiots."......that work pretty well too.

 

Back to OP

 

for me  in the second year I was a little less energized , it was like in the first year I had to prove I was a capable widow. I worked ,I mothered ,I took care of the house. I was super widow....don't worry about me folks....I got this!

 

Second year it became a little less important to prove I could do it all. I'd already proved it ....now I didn't want too do it all.

At first I relaxed off a little(you know it's okay if I didn't edge the lawn every couple of weeks..etc) and it could have been viewed as a depression but I think it was just a slowing down and functioning at a more normal level.

I then started to  indulged myself, focused on things I liked,looked after my needs. That helped a bit. Part of what I needed was out of the house. I joined meetups for things I liked ( hiking groups for me) . In the second year these carried me along and gave me a focus. I was very involved in them. Now I'm more an occasional user, but they served there purpose.My DH was still dead but I began to get involved in not just the mundane of life but some of the thrills

 

Not sure I'm helping with suggestions but just giving you some perspective.

[imissdow]

For me year 2 felt harder then the first .  In part because I expected things to be better.  I knew the first year would be hard and figured if I could just make it thru I would have done my grieving and things would be better.  So about 16 month I kind of realized how dumb that thinking was.  My DH was still dead and I still miss him. Life is still different then what I thought it should be. All the "firsts" are over yes but that really doesn't help or change the reality.  Then I had my friends who assumed I was doing just fine for the same reasons  I had thought. 

 

I'm glad your seeing someone hope they help.  What seemed to work for me was finding something that I felt honored my DH. For me that was building a house in Mexico and then giving it away, to a family that lives there.  In fact I leave in 4 weeks to built my second house. It gave me a purpose and helped me find meaning it what still seems senseless.  I also found myself excited about something. It didn't make all the other stuff disappear.  51 weeks of the year I'm here at home living my life without him. 1 week I get to go do something he would have loved and I would have loved doing with him. If I had my way the numbers would be reversed or maybe more even. However that isn't very realistic in all kinds of ways.  So I spend several weeks planning my trip even longer raising money for the house I'm building.

 

The other thing that really helped was finding something I have always wanted to do and doing it.  I wanted to take dance classes as a kid. So I found a local studio and take dance classes once  a week.  After 3 years I'm no longer the worse in the class (I'm either tied or in place of 2nd worse) but it's fun and the ladies I dance with have become friends.  It's the one day of the week I actually look forward to.  In fact today I head out for the first class of the year.

 

Hope you find some relief. Celebrate the rare good days in time you will find that there are more of them.

[Trying]

I found myself in a pretty low time after the one year anniversary. There was no prize for surviving a year, he was still gone, and I was tired of doing it on my own. I spent more time on the couch than I care to admit and isolated myself a bit from certain friends. I was missing joy and passion and lacked motivation. I spent a lot of time (while on the couch) dreaming up things that might make me happy. Somewhere around 20 months something clicked and I started making major changes. In general I have more peace and joy as I head into the 2 year anniversary next week, also a little panic because I might have gone overboard with all I have taken on.

 

So advice?  For me it was a long time of dreaming and thinking about what might light a fire under me. I didn't have a big list of things I always wanted to try so I had to come up with new ideas. A friend, who is not a widow but now an empty nester, has gotten involved with a charity and found a passion and a hobby (she works full time) where her whole life outside of work had only revolved around her kids previously.

 

There is something out there that will do it for you when you are ready, when the time is right for you. You may have some trial and error along the way. The one thing I am pretty sure of is that passion and joy don't fall into our laps. We need to be ready to receive them and then actively search for them. It is a very daunting process when, if you're like me, you have so far to go. I am working on mindfulness, keeping the image of the life I want front and center in my mind, taking responsibility to make it happen, and trying not to beat myself up when I stumble. Some days are more successful than others but it's a start.

[Mancino]

So that people don't worry unnecessarily, I do see a mental health professional (next appointment in ten days) and as great as she is, she is still a DGI.

 

I don't know what you mean by "DGI". I looked that up on Wikipedia and actually found some funny results, but I suspect you're not in the mood for jokes about this right now.

 

 

Yes, as klim said, "DGI" is used to described a person who "doesn't get it" regarding our widowhood struggles.    FYI for you and anyone else, there is a pinned post in the Introduction section at the top of the board with a list of a lot of the acronyms used here.  I know I was confused by some of them at first.  (klim, I like your "god damn idiots" description, too, even if that would be GDI )

 

As for the OP, year two was hard for me as well.  The fog lifted and the reality smacked me in the face.  About two weeks before the first sadiversary, I topped it off with taking an early retirement offer from my workplace. The sudden absence of not having a routine of a job to go to each day really magnified the "what do I do now?" feeling, something I still struggle with at times.  I don't have any children either, so not having to worry about anyone but me was both a blessing and a curse.  Someone else mentioned making lists; that was something that helps me get motivated to get things done.  Seeing a task or project written down and then crossing it off the list when finished gives me a sense of accomplishment. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Year one had two phases for me: First I did what someone above said, I tried to do it all.  Power through!  The second phase was the inevitable crash.  And I crashed hard.  Rock bottom.  Looking back, year one was about nothing more than survival and acceptance of the reality. 

 

In year two I started to put the pieces back together.  I had two priorities - my child and my career - they remain my top priorities and always will.  There was some work on my career that needed doing, as I'd dropped the ball a lot in year one.  In year two, I learned how to put on my game face and get things done, imperfectly for sure but I restaked my claim on my position and made good on it.  In year two I also learned how to be a different mother than the one I had been before.  My daughter and I rebuilt our relationship anew.  It was also a lot of work.  All of this was exhausting and I was very tired physically and mentally.  Somewhere in between all of that, I also fell in love in year two. 

 

Year three has been a roller coaster.  Full acceptance of our new life has set in yet there are vestiges of the old life that sometimes tug and aspects of the new life that are far, far, far from where I want to be but it is not terrible and sometimes it is very, very good.  I'm still jumpy and have trouble concentrating but this summer I read a boat load of novels for the first time in years.  Things are still disorganized but now I see that that is simply because we are busy, two people trying to do the work of a life meant for three.  My relationship is a source of great joy, but it is long distance and the nights are still lonely.  Painfully so but now I am used to it. 

 

My advice is this: identify what is important to you and focus on making that part of your life work for you.  For me this was career.  It had been on the back burner for a very long time with care-giving and then grief.  But in reclaiming it, I found both satisfaction and strength. 

 

And when you falter (and you will) do not beat yourself up.  Go to bed, get up and try again.  Tomorrow really is another day. 

 

Lots of love and empathy.

 

PS - edited to add: in year two, I also got off Lexapro.  I'd been on it since my husband's diagnosis in 2011 and it did help me then to numb the insanity of the emotions wrought by what was happening.  But getting off of it was a HUGE break through for me.  I could feel again.  I could make decisions again.  Yes, I felt pain more acutely but I could manage it.  Most importantly, getting off of the antidepressant/antianxiety medication made me LESS depressed and LESS anxious.  Go figure.

[Jen]

((((Hugs)))))

 

I'm sitting here at 17 months, and I'm just... surviving. Some days are better than others. I'm busy-- school and work and kids and now a play, and for the most part that's helping. I actually seem to have more positive outlook days than negative, which is *huge* for me (especially as I was just this side of suicidal not 6 months ago). I still have times where I get a good hard look at the abyss and I think I'll never be able to get out of it entirely, but for the most part, I'm... okay.

 

The weird thing to me-- the thing that makes me wonder if there's something terribly wrong with me, actually, and it's a little hard for me to admit-- is that I don't really miss Jim. I mean, I do, of course I do! But I don't yearn for him the way I did. I feel like... he's here all the time, I don't have to miss him-- does that make sense? Or am I just a sociopath?  :-[

 

Last weekend my mom and I took the kids to a theme park we'd only visited once before, 5 years ago, not long after Jim and I got married. I thought it would be hard and painful, but it was actually really fun. When I got on the first roller coaster, I had the acute sensation that he was right there with me. Now, he was not able to ride any of the coasters when we went, although he loved them-- he told me "You have to ride them for both of us." Last weekend it really felt as though we were riding together. :*)

 

I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure I can say my life has any great meaning now... I'm just doing my best to get through the days. I get lonely. I get sad. I miss having someone in my bed-- for more reasons than the obvious, lol. I'm still hoping for hope, as Lisa says, but at least it seems a little more attainable than it did.

 

(((((MORE HUGS)))))

[Euf]

but if anyone has any comforting advice in the meantime, I would be most appreciative.

 

I'm not sure if this is comforting or not, but someone posted it here at one time, and I thought it was helpful.

 

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/

 

I think we as widows think the goal is to recover, or get over it, or move on to another place. But maybe the answer is to accept that it doesn't go away.  Both the blessing and the curse.

 

From my perspective, 17 months was just trying to live through each day. And those long time widows would say "just wait" it gets better. I thought " how long do I have to wait?"  Now I am one of those long time widows saying "just wait". I know that is an inadequate answer but I guess it's one of those things that you can't explain.

 

It never ends. You just incorporate it into your life, and maybe that sounds horrible but it isn't. It just takes so much longer than we imagine, but someday you can see it.  Maybe just a glimmer at first. But eventually you realize that although you thought you wouldn't make it one year, and two years and five years, you do. You not only make it, but you make something of it.  A new life. But not one where you have to let your husband go. One where he comes with you. The hole is always there but you learn to walk around it. And your new life is a good life.

 

And as Winnie The Pooh says: ?If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.?

― A.A. Milne

[Abitlost]

Year two was very tough for me. It's when I figured out how long forever was. The thing that helped me was staying active. No doubt about it though, year two was rough.

 

abl

[Mizpah]

Thinking of you.  Year two is rough.  The rawness is gone, and you kind of look around and are like, "Huh.  This is my life.  Now what do I do?"  You have to rebuild.  But you don't know how or where to start or what to fill it with.  My second year was lots of classes, lectures, gym time, running, reading, spending time outside, etc.  It felt lonely and empty, even though I tried to reenter the social world too.  Lots of going out with friends.  I even forced myself to date someone casually (I wasn't interested but did it anyway).  There was a lot of wondering, for me, if this would be the rest of my life.  With nothing to look forward to.  I felt like I'd sort of achieved all of the goals I'd had, and didn't know what to work toward next.  At around my two-year mark, I went on a trip by myself to the Middle East.  It really brought me back to life.  I hadn't realized how dead I'd been feeling until I suddenly felt euphorically alive.  I have no advice, just lots of sympathy and solidarity. 

[donswife]

great post and question

Just came upon this and would love to know what to do

It will be a year for me in October so like you I will be in year two which is crazy to me

and how did you all do on the actual day ?

I don't want to really even acknowledge the day but I know some people will

 

[Amor]

I just entered into the second year.  Thank you for posting helpful things here.  Travel does help me driving my cares away

Amor

[IfIonlycould]

I so remember being shocked, just so absolutely confused that I felt WORSE year two than in year one.  For me years two and three I had lost my enthusiasm.  I truly learned the meaning of the phrase "fake it til you make it".  I kept very, very busy those years (work, work, work...like you I did not have the responsibility of children to distract me- a blessing and a curse) and tried not to think too much as thinking ultimately lead me down dark paths.  I saw a therapist regularly, went on the old board and read and posted, went to bagos, read other widows memoirs and pushed myself to go out and do things.  To the outside world I was engaging in life again....but inside I felt dead, more dead than that horrible first year and I remember thinking "Oh God, is this it? This is not living, this is simply surviving."  Year four was when I actually started to genuinely return to life, in fits and starts with plenty of backsliding but it definitely was happening.  Year five I knew I had to really make decisions toward MY future (though again to the outside world for all of the accomplishments I had achieved to this point post his death one would think I was on the path to MY future).  I think in year five I began to really consider who I was, who I used to be and where I was headed.  I still had moments of active grieving, loss of enthusiasm and sorrow for the life I would never get back.  I am in year seven now and can genuinely tell you I feel different and that I NEVER thought I would feel this ok again.  Yes I am going to say it...Hang in there....fake it if you have to...keep working on it....I NEVER thought I would get here.

[jlp]

Many thanks to everyone for all your ideas and suggestions -- some of which I have thought of (and done) and some which had not occurred to me.  Definitely food for thought in the coming months.

 

While I have come to expect ups and downs, this last "down" was worse and lasted longer than what I might have expected at this stage.  After having some time to reflect, I realize it was a culmination of things:  summer getting started on the wrong foot and never getting back on track, myriad small disappointments, and probably, more significantly, a couple of minor health issues.  I didn't realize how much they were affecting me until I finally started feeling better a few weeks ago.

 

This past year had been a learning experience in so many ways, particularly in terms of who I can and can't count on and for what.  While I sometimes feel a bit pressured to start thinking about a "new life," I'm not there yet.  What I really need to focus on is my physical, mental, and emotional health; set boundaries; and adjust my expectations.  I also need to work on not only de-cluttering my mind, but also my house (my mom died three years ago and I still have a bunch of stuff in an overflowing closet that needs to be addressed and I just haven't been able to deal with it thus far).

 

My psychologist says I could be the "poster child" for how to effectively handle grief and I know that I have worked very hard and feel I've made much progress.  Now I need to address more of the "nuts and bolts" of life -- I will not be able to move forward until I do so.

 

For now, I sit on atop of the fence, where I may stay for a while and that's OK.

 

Thanks to everyone for attending my "pity party."