DrBanner Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I think I may be shooting myself in the foot online. As many creepy guys as there are online I don't want to accidentally sound like one of them. I've recently been messaging with a few women, then when we get to the "hey let's meet" part sudden silence. Any suggestions on what not to say or what to definitely say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I am no expert. No online dating for me, but I sort of liked the last choice. State your interest and ask the question. But then again, I was always a direct sort of girl.. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I had done online thing , and I think it is same for girls as guys, unfortunatly some people just like to chat and never meet in real life . As far as what to say, just ask if they want to exchange numbers and meet up for coffee . Something quick and causal . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mangomom Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I think the third one (my vote) is the best option. You are putting it out there with no question of intent. You say that's not working? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Sure hope you're not using that avatar Never been to a dating site so I'm no help. Just a thought instead of let's meet how about ' want to meet for a coffee'. Makes it a bit more defined and easy. Just a thought Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AC Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Sure hope you're not using that avatar Oh my! This made me giggle. Agreed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Maybe try "would you like to meet for coffee?" first, before discussing phone numbers in case the number thing sounds to forward to them. If its a yes, then go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndysWife Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 IF I was on a dating site - I would be there to meet people - therefore, exchanging numbers is kind of necessary I would think. People always have the option of saying "no" if they are not interested too. Remember when there was no online dating and people just gave out numbers? Where did those people go? I like those kinds of people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 A lot of women(and men) are wary of online dating so sometimes if a "let's meet" comes too early, it may cause some hesitation. I would offer to speak on the phone first and you can offer up your number and ask if there is a convenient time to talk. If conversation going well, then mention coffee or date. And I think sometimes people are online for companionship so just like the banter with limited interest in doing too many dates. All the best, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Guys do it as well, disappear when you mention actually meeting them. I find it extremely rude and frustrating. I am doing things very wrong on these sites and not sure what I am doing wrong. I have only gone on four coffee dates and everyone one was a bust. The first two I chatted with them for weeks. The first guy after 5 minutes I couldn't run fast enough out the door. He didn't know I was a widow and you just ruin the date when you say "wish my x-wife was dead". Second guy actually wasn't that bad but he said I wasn't ready to date. Maybe he was right. Last two I thought meeting in person early was the way to go. Both of them just mindless chattered away. I don't think either of them asked me a thing. I think there is one TED webinars I watched and they guy went on about how he took the time and gained a person's trust before meeting them. I still have no idea which is the better way to go. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Hmmm. I did the online thing, had moderate success with it, (as in, actually went on dates) Every date was outstanding in some way; not always a good way. An email that mentioned something specific that you liked about my profile was always good. "Hey, let's meet for coffee [beer, wine]" is good. It indicates a specific event that doesn't last too long. I don't need your phone number to meet, because we're meeting at Tim Horton's [Applebee's, Seacoast Brewing] at 6 p.m. Thursday evening. Come to think of it, a lot of times I did have the number. Sometimes I didn't. Many people on dating sites are timid folks who never intend to meet. Some are people in relationships toying with the idea of getting out or ally-catting around. They will evaporate when you suggest meeting. Some toss around the figure of about a third of the members of dating sites are married. I have no way of knowing, but I wouldn't be surprised. Because so many men evaporated on me, I tried to arrange a meeting sooner rather than later. My consort's daughter has done the online dating thing, and insisted on emailing a prospect for at least two weeks before agreeing to meet him. In a big place like New York, maybe that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 after meeting several that tanked after the first in person meeting and I felt like weeks had been wasted "chatting", I got to thinking. Before dating sites, you met someone face to face (one HUGE hurdle crossed already). Because admit it, no matter what we all say, really you look at someone and can fairly easily determine if you want to know them. Yes, I did meet Chad randomly on the phone and it worked out. But for the most part, no relationship really ever starts without seeing someone. So I've decided that I'm not going to be one of those emailer/texter/chatter people. Meet me. IN PERSON and then we will go from there. I just feel like so much of online dating is useless time wasted on things of no substance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrBanner Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 A lot of women (and men) are wary of online dating so sometimes if a "let's meet" comes too early, it may cause some hesitation. I would offer to speak on the phone first and you can offer up your number and ask if there is a convenient time to talk. If conversation going well, then mention coffee or date. And I think sometimes people are online for companionship so just like the banter with limited interest in doing too many dates. All the best, Thanks everyone. The second choice, volunteering my number, is what I usually do. And that's losing in a landslide in the vote. And no, not using The Hulk avatar. Everyone's different of course. In my experience women seem to prefer both meeting and stopping contact suddenly over talking on the phone. I'm just flustered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I am surprised that providing your number is not the one preferred. Personally that would be the one I would find more favorable because 1. it shows you are a real person not a scammer, 2. you want to meet not endlessly chat and email, and 3. I could find out a lot about you by doing a phone number search and feel safer about meeting. Meeting for coffee is a great first meet--day light hours, having a limited time frame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I have a FB friend who is on Tinder and according to him, meeting sooner rather than later is the goal, so I too am surprised that you aren't meeting with success. But that said, until you establish some sort of relationship beyond the meet/greet, your needs and goals should stay foremost and it's always best to just be yourself. Being yourself is the best way to weed the contenders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 It's clich? and old fashioned, but I am what I am .. the way my daddy raised me. I won't call a man first. I more than likely won't text or message a man first. I know it is somewhat unfair to put all the onus on the man stereotypically, it's just hard to change who you are. So offering me your number, you will probably never hear from me. Asking for mine, maybe a "tad" leary... an exchange of numbers but you call me first, I'll probably do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OSAAT Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Online dating is tricky and no 2 people are the same. Instead of 1 size fits all approach, I would suggest making decisions on an individual level. That is what I did. I always went for coffee on the first date (cheap, only have to stay for one cup but can stay for more if interested, people personally know me in that coffee shop so it felt safer). Online dating is tough. Many people will quit talking to you randomly. It is weird, really. There really is no rush. Take your time and have fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 My lines I use on the ladies: Much as I love Mr Tinder / Mr match.com, how about we take this conversation away from his snooping eyes? My number is xxxx Would you be open to meeting up for a quick drink? How would you feel about a quick coffee? I'm enjoying messaging you. Would you like to meet up in person too, maybe over coffee? Meeting sooner rather than later means you avoid wasting time messaging for weeks on end for it to come to nothing. You can probably tell within the space of a week. Of the girls I've been on dates with, I hadn't actually chatted on the phone, just texted. We all got on fine on the dates - I was just myself, bar not dropping the widow bomb yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronP Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 For what it's worth I'm with Grace. Use her first line! I think you're skipping a step, don't bring up wanting to meet early on. Messaging through a website can be cumbersome. See if they'd be willing to exchange numbers and text for a while, get to know each other as much as possible that way first. Unfortunately in today's day and age that is likely the most logical step for people. Giving someone you met on a dating site your phone number is a huge step for some, meeting even larger. Everyone carries their phone nearly 24/7 these days, it's a very personal thing to give up or exchange numbers. Try simply exchanging numbers first, stating it'll be far easier to communicate and get to know each other! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 First, DrBanner, a level-set. Pretty much no matter how I word it, I am lucky to get one response in 10 or 20 messages to age-appropriate people I message (I don't own a sports car and I am not chasing twenty-year-olds). Really, it's a surprise when anything works online; my dry spells last weeks, but then I'll get a cluster of dates in a week. By all means try experimenting, but results will likely be variable unless you bottle lightning (and if you do, I want some too). Early-stage dating is an interesting balance of risks. Do you text for ages to really get to know someone? Downside is falling for a fake who will text you from Lebanon and need you to send them funds through Western Union; more likely, the messaging just whimpers and dies. Do you meet right away? Downside is buying lunch for a professional dater who won't even remember your name. I don't want to text for ages. I usually suggest that I'd like to meet for coffee in the first message. My first message does not contains a phone number, because it feels like revealing too much (but I may have to play with this). If I get a response, I try to follow their lead. I guess my happy place is to exchange a few brief messages until they talk about meeting, and to meet for coffee before too long. I would counsel choosing a style that works for you and tending towards it so that you own it, but throwing in the odd random experiment every so often to see how it goes. And if there's ever interest, remember that guys usually need to slow. the. hell. down. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 My lines I use on the ladies: Much as I love Mr Tinder / Mr match.com, how about we take this conversation away from his snooping eyes? My number is xxxx Would you be open to meeting up for a quick drink? How would you feel about a quick coffee? I'm enjoying messaging you. Would you like to meet up in person too, maybe over coffee? Meeting sooner rather than later means you avoid wasting time messaging for weeks on end for it to come to nothing. You can probably tell within the space of a week. Of the girls I've been on dates with, I hadn't actually chatted on the phone, just texted. We all got on fine on the dates - I was just myself, bar not dropping the widow bomb yet! Just want to add, those are not my opening lines to the ladies, just the way I move the conversation in the direction of meeting up or sharing phone numbers. We'll probably exchange a dozen or so messages before I move onto that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsK Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Giving someone you met on a dating site your phone number is a huge step for some, meeting even larger. Everyone carries their phone nearly 24/7 these days, it's a very personal thing to give up or exchange numbers. Meeting for coffee is less scary to me than handing out my phone number. When you meet for coffee, it's in public and there is plenty of help available if my date seems dangerous in person. So far, I've been lucky in that my dates have turned out to be as safe in person as they seemed online. I don't give out more than my first name before I've met a person face to face. It seems too dangerous to me because with either piece of information, you can get back to my address with very little work. I try to set up a meeting in person after a few (three or four) good email exchanges because most of the time when I meet men in person, there's no spark. I like making new friends but that's not why I signed up on OKCupid and I want to know if I have to go back to searching the postings and sending out messages. I've sent out far more messages than have been returned, despite being female and not hideous. I've also gotten truckloads of messages that are nothing more than "Hey, cute smile." or "Ur hot" which I don't count as real messages. Particularly when they come from Australia or South Africa. Sometimes what happens on a dating site isn't a reflection of you, it's the other people out there. They might have just started up with someone else or gotten sick or had their office cut off access to the site or a million other reasons. All you can do is keep trying. Unless you are sending out first messages that say something like "Nice hair, let's meet in person so I can smell it." which I am pretty sure you aren't! That kind of message would scare off most women, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I had a wonderful time while dating online and eventually met my now wife on a specific interest dating site. I dated as often as time and finances allowed and learned at least one valuable thing from every woman I went out with. If I read a profile I found interesting, I always approached it the same way: I sent the woman a message saying, "I found your profile interesting - please take a look at mine and let me know if you feel the same." and let it go at that. I was asking the woman what she thought. All folks love to be asked their opinion. I had very good results with this approach. I don't think I had positive results due to my stunning good looks - because I don't have them. However, I spent a great deal of effort crafting my profile. It's marketing boys and girls, don't forget that. You must position yourself in the best possible light while not building a house of cards by lying. Notice there is very little pressure in my request. I'm not asking (directly) if there is a match, if you like me, or if you want to go out. Nothing of the kind. Rather, I'm asking 'do you find my profile (not me) interesting?' The unstated is 'if there is, we'll take if from there.' And I did. No doubt about it, dating is hard when you are middle aged - it's not for sissies. Good Luck, Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I am surprised that providing your number is not the one preferred. Personally that would be the one I would find more favorable because 1. it shows you are a real person not a scammer, Nope, my scammer had a local cell number and was really overseas. I was so annoyed I wasted my time thinking all was OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't want to text for ages. I usually suggest that I'd like to meet for coffee in the first message. Not sure about this for me Rob, I prefer to learn at least a little about someone before being asked to meet. Even just a few messages are fine. If the first message offers up a phone number, I run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now