Missing my husband, my best friend & #1 cheerleader

[Karin]

See that guy in my avatar photo?  That's my amazing, funny, kind, supportive hubby, Eddie.  Before I delve into the deep, dark weepy portion of this post, I want to share with you the funny story behind this nice looking photo.  Several years ago (maybe 2012? 2011? earlier?  I don't know), around Christmas time, we wanted a nice photo to send out to family, but neither one of us wanted to deal with a photographer or their studio fees.  So, we decided to take it ourselves. 

 

The background is a floral painting that used to hang above our couch.  We dressed up in nice "portrait worthy" clothes.  In order to make this photo happen, we had to stand on the very squishy couch, and use the camera tripod and self-timer.  However, the tripod alone wasn't tall enough.  It had to go on top of the coffee table.  So, now it was too tall for me.  Out comes the step stool.  Picture this . . . . .he's posed there on the couch, I have to climb up the step stool, frame the photo in the view finder, hit the timer, then RACE to the couch, jump up there with him and "look natural" before the camera snapped the photo.  It was quite hilarious, took several tries, and I almost broke a toe on the attempt where I didn't jump high enough, but we got this amazing photo and the great memory to go with it.  I'll always cherish the memory as much as the photo.

 

I have more happy memories like that one, but I wish we'd had time to make even more.  I've been missing him like mad since we were unexpectedly parted by his sudden death just over a month ago.  Officially, he died in his sleep of cardiac arrest in the early minutes of 10/6/15.  Unofficially, when I woke up with him next to me, not breathing, called 911 and started chest compressions, I knew it was already too late.  So, as far as I'm concerned, he died on 10/5/15.  Sounds like a meaningless distinction, but when a loved one calls on what they believe is the "anniversary" (one-month, 6 months, whatever), what they don't realize is that I've already suffered through that day alone, and their offer of support is appreciated but late. 

 

So far, taking care of my basic needs (eat, sleep, hydrate) is going okay, but other than that, I'm at a complete loss.  For 16 years, he was my best friend and #1 cheerleader, and for the last 12 of those years, my husband.  We had no kids, so after the initial chaos of family visiting for support and funeral planning and attendance then leaving . . . . . the house is so quiet.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I've gone back to work (part time at home, part time in the office), which keeps my mind occupied for some part of each day, but with my perspective completely changed, I no longer care about the work I'm doing other than to do a good enough job to keep employed and keep the bills paid.  When I do leave the house for work, coming home to an empty house is so painful.

 

It is so lonely.  I miss him so much.  I cry most mornings and cry myself to sleep at night.  One day this week, I even found myself sobbing while putting dishes in the dishwasher. 

 

I have no family close by, but all of his family is within a 2 hour drive in one direction or another.  I have great, supportive friends in town, but none of them have been through this (and I wouldn't wish it on them).  I'm sorry we're all here, but I'm glad to have found somewhere with folks who are more likely to understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling without trying to "fix" me.  I hate that all of you are here, because it means you're suffering too, but at the same time. . . thanks for being here and letting me share my story.

 

~ Karin

[widowat33]

Hello. Karin, thank you for sharing your story.

As much as none of us actually want to be here, it's great to have this place and I'm glad you found it!

It's hard not to feel lonely when you've lost someone who filled so many roles in your life; husband, best friend, etc... I have two sons and although they keep me busy, I still feel lonely. The house still feels empty without him here.

The official day is a huge thing, in my opinion. The first couple of months I dreaded Thursdays because that was the day he died. And the 10th of every month marked one more month without him. I can finally say I'm at the point where I don't even realize it's the 10th unless I am writing the date down!

Keep posting and keep sharing!

Take care.

[phil]

hi karrin, so sorry about eddie,what a nice story , i cant offer any advice except the advice of the wonderfull supportive peaple on hear ,im just over the one month date myself, and can relate 100 percent, i cry most times too and the empty home it rips me apart , im,glad you said you  got friends close by, you will find lots of support hear i have ,so sorry,

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's difficult to imagine,  but the tears fall less often as time goes on.  Just keep reading and sharing here. It really helps.  Thanks for sharing your photo session story.  It turned out very nice.

[Jess]

Hi Karin, thank you for sharing that story. Thinking about things that made me smile really helped me in the early days. Heck, it still does help.

 

I know the feeling of sort of having two sadaversary dates. My husband's seizure started around 11:45pm. He was declared dead at the hospital after they gave up on him at 12:55 am. So in the beginning for me it was both Friday nights and then all of Saturday that was the really tough time for me. I'd watch the minutes tick by and go over everything in my head that had been happening in that moment. Eventually, Fridays and Saturdays lost their dread. It took a while, but now I am happy when Friday rolls around and it means the weekend is here.

 

Keep sharing as much as you want to or need to. This group of people made sure I was never truly alone and I hope we all can do the same for you.

[br0peth]

Thanks for your story.  I realty hate that I have to read these but they are comforting that I'm not the only one missing their spouse. 

 

That's my wife in my avatar.  I miss her so much.

[Jen]

(((((Karin)))))) I am so, so sorry you had to look for us... but grateful that you found us. We get it. We don't want to, but we do, and we're here.

 

Like you, I lost my sweet husband very suddenly--like lightning out of a clear blue sky. Tomorrow makes 19 months, and I still can't get my brain around it. I mean... he just stepped out to the grocery store or something. He'll be back any minute. Right??  :'(

 

 

first couple of months I dreaded Thursdays because that was the day he died. And the 10th of every month marked one more month without him.

 

I said I was going to stop counting, but this is so me-- right down to Thursdays and the 10th. I can finally make it through a Thursday without melting down (usually), but the 10th still looms large on the calendar. I suppose it always will.

 

Please keep talking. We're here to listen. More hugs, and peace to you.

 

~Jen

[Mizpah]

I love this adorable story and photo.  I'm so sorry.  I too have multiple dates, and at 4+ years out, I've stopped having to explain to myself or anyone else why the date is the date: the date I use is when I knew he was gone.  I too dealt with sudden loss and an extraordinarily close and loving relationship with no children, and I'm so sorry.  You will not always feel this bad.  There will be relief somehow - I didn't think I'd ever feel better, but I did.  I don't think the brain and heart could sustain such raw, intense pain for an extreme period of time.  I wrote down all the stories and memories I could think of in the early days (I actually did it for more than a year).  It helped me immensely at the time, and I'm so glad I have it now.  We're all walking with you, ahead of you, behind you - different circumstances, but we all understand loss and your feelings.  I'm wishing you moments of comfort and solace.

[Guaruj]

Hi Karin -

 

I liked your story. I hope you will continue posting and tell us more like that one.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Justin]

Karin,

 

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with us - it brought a smile to my face as I read it.

 

My wife died in her sleep, also, although it happened before I had come to bed for the evening. Like you wrote of Eddie's passing, I just knew that she was gone.

 

Thank you for coming here and entrusting us with your stories. Lean on us as much as you can; we are all here for one another.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

It's good that you found a place like this.

 

I know a lot of us didn't have much local support either, myself included. I've only been

on this forum for a few days, but it's helped me immensely. Everyone here understands

what you are going through, even when you friends and family don't seem to be.

 

I'm in my ninth month of this. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and felt alone and abandoned.

It's a hard place to be. But know that you've got people here that are always around to listen.

It's a rough club to be a part of.

 

Stay strong, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

[donswife]

What a great story and I hope it brought back a great memory

Keep those stories coming

I also lost my don suddenly and we had been together 27 years and no kids

Coming home to a quiet house is really hard so I leave either the tv or radio on

Plus some amazing fellow supporters here suggested timers on lamps so you don't have to walk into a dark

House

I am so sorry you have to be here but glad you found us

[canadiangirl]

Karin, so sorry for your loss.  I loved your story.  Mizpah's idea is great.  On "fix me," there were two recent posts under General Discussion about an article "Everything doesn't happen for a reason"  http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

 

I love a quote in it from Megan Devine who says "Some things in life cannot be fixed.  They can only be carried."  For me, that is right on.  Hope that resonates.  Take care.

[TMPPGH]

Hugs!!! So sorry you have to be part of this group, but happy you will have the support!

[TMPPGH]

Hugs!!! So sorry you have to be part of this group, but happy you will have the support!

[Suki1]

Hi Karin,

 

My husband passed away suddenly, too, and we had no children, and after the initial rush of condolences, nearly everyone just disappeared. So it was a great relief to me to find this site  (actually, its predecessor) eight months later. This is a great group and we know where you're coming from. You're not alone. Sending you hugs.

[Mlb34u]

I understand what you are going through.  I am new here but I lost my husband on October 7 when he laid down to take a nap and his heart had some strange misfire and he died in his sleep.  My 12 yr old was home with him while I was at work and went to ask him something and he wasn't breathing.  Now she doesn't like for me to nap and comes to wake me up just, to see if I am alive.  It is heartbreaking.  He was just 46.

[lcoxwell]

Karin, I am sorry that I missed this, when you originally posted. I am also so very sorry that you have a reason to be here, but want you to know that there are good people here and that this is a safe place to come, to share memories, to talk of your husband, and to discuss anything that might come up, along the way. My heart breaks for you.

 

Some of the very best advice I received, in the early days after my Kenneth died, came from the people here. A few things to remember are this: Right now, it is most important to take care of your basic needs and survival. Just do what you must to get through the day, and try not to think too far ahead. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and drink plenty of water. Allow yourself to cry. Let others help you, when they offer, even if you aren't really sure what you need. Most of all, just remember to breathe. When you feel overwhelmed or like your whole world is caving in, taking the time to take concentrated, deep breaths will help to calm you, if nothing else.

[Karin]

I miss him.  I hate this.

[Dark Rose]

Karin, I hate this too, I just want my husband back...

[phil]

its so cruel, i cry my eyes out every night, , hugs to every one

[MauiMermaid]

Hello Karin,

 

First, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story with us. "Missing my husband, my best friend and # cheerleader"... it says it best. I understand and share so many of the same circumstances and emotions. You are so early in this journey, just be kind to yourself, breathe, let the emotions come (including the seemingly endless tears), and get through it hour-by-hour. In the beginning, even looking beyond the end of the day was too much for me.

 

I am approaching 3 years in January and looking back I never thought I'd get here. I was sure my heart would just stop like his did. How could my heart survive all this pain, after all? Yet somehow I am here. You will get through, too.

 

You are not alone in your thoughts. We are here when no one else can possibly understand. (((Hugs to you))). Again, I'm so sorry you lost your dear Eddie. xoxoxo

[Karin]

How am I supposed to do this "life" thing without my other half?  Suddenly, I am as unencumbered as a recent high school graduate with a whole world of options......and nothing sounds appealing.

[Jen]

Exactly. Perfectly stated.

[Karin]

3 months, today.  Feels like yesterday, and at the same time, feels like years ago.  My memory stinks, on a good day, so I really don't remember much at all from the time around his death and funeral.  That lack of memory, I've heard, is my grief protecting me from pain, but because I don't remember, it often feels like he's just not home right now.  Then, I remember, and every reminder or fresh new memory is like a punch to the gut, triggering a brand new round of pain.  I miss him so much.