Guest Mel4072 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I met him a year ago. We got engaged June 30. You don't think you can fall in love again, but you can. I fell hard. I love him as much as LH. Damn. Friends are telling me that I will heal. Really? When? I hope soon. I screwed up my kid. Crap! She loved him and accepted him. I'm such a fuck up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Oh honey. I'm so sorry about whatever is going on. PM me if you want. I'm here if you want to talk. You have not screwed up your kid, be confident in that. Go easy on yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I'm sorry. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I'm sorry you are hurting, Mel. Sending you tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Mel I'm very sorry to hear you are hurting, we are here if you need to talk about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennybug Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 So sorry Mel...here's a BIG HUG for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Oh, hon. I'm so sorry. What happened (if you want to share)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I'm sorry for your pain. Wishing you comfort and healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I'm sorry too. This has to be very difficult and painful. Please don't put blame on yourself re your daughter. Be good to yourself during this tough time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Hugs, Mel. I know you loved him. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 {{Hugs}} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 So sorry, Mel. Sending lots of Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 He got scared. Cold feet. He says he still loves me and that he values what we have, but it makes him afraid and panicky. I still love him. I still want him in my life. I'm losing sleep over this. Racking my brain and my heart. Trying to makes sense of it all and deal in healthy ways. The pain is still there. The love is still there. The ring and the relationship are gone. My initial reaction was god-awful! Ya know, the last time I fell in love and it ended, every part of it ended. Death is so final. This time, I find some comfort in the fact that I can still contact him. He is still around. He can answer my questions. I can still tell him that I love him... This has been quite the eye opener into my heart. It really catapulted me into finally healing from my previous loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Mel I am very sorry, this must be so painful for you. Keep taking care of yourself and be patient with your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 (((Mel))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 He says he still loves me and that he values what we have, but it makes him afraid and panicky. As resident "panic -er" and freaker-outer in my relationship, my advice, if you really do love him and you really can see a future together, is to stay calm and be supportive and patient. I cannot tell you how much adp's superhuman ability to put up with my moments of spectacularly dramatic angst and panic have meant to me. No one in my life has ever been so steadfast and accepting without judgement (so of course I had to freak out about that too). My point is yes, death is finite. But everything else is negotiable. Sometimes people in freak-out mode just need to know that you're not going anywhere. Only want the best for you, Mel. I don't like it that you're hurting. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 So sorry, Mel. It sounds you are handling this crappy deal in a rational manner at this point. You have been over the mountain with the loss of your husband; this is just a speed bump. Give him space and more space. Maybe use this time to really examine the underlying workings of the relationship. Did you have any inner doubts?? Anything that just seemed maybe a little bit off but you were willing to overlook? In my own false starts in the widow dating department, I realize that when I reflect back on the guys I really was all gung-ho about in the beginning, there were some little bells going off in my head that finally crescendoed into all out cathredal chimes. Remember who you are. You are smart and beautiful. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Don't compromise and take on someone else's baggage and neurosis! And certainly, don't beat yourself up over this! It's all on him!! It's his issues!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Mel ---- what kjs says!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you! No bells and whistles. Lots of fear, over ridden by incredible love. I just really love him. I'm going to take the advice and try to be patient. Thank you so much!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 This whole process has really opened me up and it's incredible to look inside at parts of me that I thought had died... They didn't die, they were just hidden. I think I had hidden them to keep them safe from harm or maybe parts of me just got lost over the years while being a wife and a mother. I had lost "Me". And in the rubble of this break up, I have found the most amazing, resilient heart that offers so much! It took a conversation with another wid yesterday to realize how I'm truly "ok" and how valuable I am! Sorting through the rubble, I find gems, little treasures, like feeling loved, great sex that's really about the other person, just enjoying my presence with this man, trust, forgiveness, acceptance, holding his hand, breathing in rhythm with him, the ability to laugh and be silly! I carried a tremendous amount of guilt and this wid helped me see that I have nothing to feel guilty about. This is me. These are my treasures. What I value. What makes me happy is what makes me happy. And I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to discover this part of me, even though it took the pain to find my way there! Maybe in order to love me, he had to set me free. Maybe I needed this to happen so I could discover those parts of me and appreciate them. I watched the sunrise this morning and realized as the light crept into the darkness, over taking it, the fact that I loved is incredibly beautiful!!! We have a future. I don't know what it is. It may be coming back together with more awareness and more willingness to really know one another. It may be occasional memories that bring a smile to my face. What I do know is that I'm happy I loved him, no regret, and I'm happy that I gave him the chance to love ME! It made me stronger and really appreciate who I am! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Maybe I needed this to happen so I could discover those parts of me and appreciate them. Mel, this is such a positive way of looking at things! After my first Chapter 2 relationship fell apart, I was thoroughly miserable. Heartbroken. I hadn't felt that way since my wife died, and I always thought after going through that pain, nothing could hurt me ever again. Was I wrong about that! But that first Chapter 2 relationship was so positive because it taught me that I don't feel guilty about moving on, and that I am - like you - not dead inside to the little pleasures that make life with somebody else wonderful. A learning experience. At the time, would I have done anything to mend that relationship? Absolutely, and it's almost worse knowing that the person is still alive, still out there, and there's still a chance of saving things. But now, not so much. While the immediate pain of the breakup was unbearable, the scars do heal in a way that the scars of bereavement never quite do. And now, I'm happily and confidently looking for someone else, and thankful that the failed relationship taught me that my ability to love didn't die with my spouse. I hope yours works out well. I'm sure it will given your positive and thoughtful posts on the subject. Wishing you the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Mel, so glad you've got this positive attitude. Thinking of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Brenda, you couldn't have said it better! Thank you! Gonna take a minute to heal and focus on me! I talked to him on the phone and he confirmed that he wasn't in love with me. Now we are both free. That's a good thing! His being honest helped! For some people, falling in love is mutual and becomes a way of life. I was hopeful. But I can accept that he doesn't want me in his life, that he doesn't return the same feelings for me. And if you love somebody, set them free.... If it were salvageable, I WOULD DO ANYTHING. But one sided love isn't real love. It's just a crazy ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 He wasn't in love with you? Then why in the hell did he put a ring on your finger and ask you to marry him? He fell out of love since June? This infuriates me! I'm sick and tired of these guys not being more careful with our already fragile hearts. You are a person with a soul. When they put a ring on your finger they are telling you they want to go the long haul and protect your heart and your soul. Not change their mind six months later and leave your heart broken once again. I'm glad you found out now, before this jackass did marry you to only turn around a few years later and drag you thru a divorce. I know you're hurt right now, but in the meantime, I'm going to be majorly pissed off for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I am sorry... This guy is a douchebag. I know you loved him..but he came on hot, heavy and romantic..and really blindsided you with affection/courtship. He's a fickle flake. Stay strong...I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he doesn't tell you he still loves you next week and made a mistake. Don't bite. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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