Mixed faith marriages

[serpico]

I'm Catholic and my fianc?e is Methodist.  I had hoped to get married in our church (which is in the town where we'll live, while hers is 45 minutes away) but since she was divorced and never got an annulment, that's not an option.  I understand this to be the rules of the Catholic Church, and though Pope Benedict is reforming them, change isn't fast in an institution like the Church.  She, on the other hand, is less than thrilled about being 'rejected' by my church and feels that this will make it much more difficult for her to ever feel comfortable going to church with my kids and me.

 

I don't see it as a personal thing, just that the rules of the Church don't allow for a marriage in the Church to someone who is divorced.  I see it as very cut-and-dried and though I'm not thrilled about it, I understand.  But for her it is very personal, and she can't understand why the Church would be so judgmental.

 

There are lots of differences in our religions, and it worries her greatly about how we'll deal with this when we're married.  Her church is very open and accepting of anybody and everybody, they have Panera bread and grape juice for communion, they talk during the service, and there is basically a rock band playing on a sound stage, for goodness sake

 

Mine is a much more traditional, with a call-and-response service, solemn atmosphere, little to no talking, and an organ playing hymns.

 

The differences don't bother me so much, but it would be nice for our new family to be of one faith.  I'm not sure that's going to happen, though.  Anyone else dealt with mixed faith marriages?

[RobFTC]

Why would you have to pick one faith?  You can believe anywhere.  The smartass in me wants to say that you're already of the same faith, since neither of you is petitioning to Cthulu.  The philosopher in me wants to know if any of the differences in doctrine really matter to either of you, and how you talk about them, or whether things in sermons bother either of you.  There are belief sets I would not consider compatible with mine, but I know the bridge from my Lutheran practice to Catholicism would be OK with me.  But of course, I have no divorce barrier, either.

 

As to models, a couple I like from our church simply alternates between our Lutheran church and the Catholic church, and they get two faith communities instead of just one.  Yes, that means their ties are not quite as deep at either church.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Wheelerswife]

My first husband was Jewish and divorced.  I was Catholic at the time.  He went through the annulment process in the Catholic Church before we got married.  I would have to say that the annulment process was cold, yet it pried into some really personal areas of his life.  It offered no actual healing or counseling.  We managed a life with two faiths that were more different than the Catholic/Methodist divide that you are facing.  If you can live with having the Catholic Church considering your marriage invalid, perhaps you can consider marrying in her church.  I know these things matter to people, especially when there are children involved.  You essentially have the same faith, but different ways of interpreting certain teachings and different ways of worshiping.

 

(For the record, I no longer subscribe to any faith tradition.)

 

Maureen

[hachi]

It is more common than you think for families to observe two different traditions. The kids seem to take it in stride and make their own decisions later. I have to say, as a recovering Catholic, while I miss the tradition and mystery of the Catholic Church, I do not miss the rigidity in the rules. I have always felt that they sort of missed the boat there. Refusing to baptize babies and generally not welcoming those of other Christian faiths seems a little "un"christian to me. I understand your fiance's feelings.

 

In the end, in my opinion, you are still worshiping the same God. Debating transubstantiation is always fun though!

[daysofelijah]

My NG is Catholic and I'm evangelical. The church differences are pretty huge. He jokes that my church is a cult, lol (rock band, coffee bar, very casual). He really doesn't get how things work in an evangelical church, and the beliefs really are very different, imo. He doesn't actually attend mass anymore though. He accepts that I go to church (though I'm not a real regular attender lately) and that the kids should go. I don't pressure him to go to church at all. His teenage son has started going to youth group at my church though, on his own initiative.

 

If we were to get married we probably wouldn't be able to have a church marriage either since he is divorced. It wouldn't be a big deal to me, I had that once, don't need it again. I've become rather disillusioned of the whole church lifestyle in the last few years since dh died.

 

My grandparents went to different churches their whole marriage. He was Catholic, she was Lutheran. They made it work and were happily married for 50 years.

 

[Sugarbell]

I am Methodist...DH was Episcopalian-The watered down Catholics as he used to call it. We ended up joining a Methodist church and raising our kids Methodist..but he didn't care..because he wasn't that into his church...and the rules were more lax than Catholics.

 

It wouldn't bother me so much not being married in the church...my concern would be more for my kids. Have her kids always gone to the Methodist church? I know its a warm n fuzzy social outing (services, youth groups, community oriented) and it maybe an adjustment for kids to get used to the formality of Mass. Could you guys do both? --Does she want to convert or have her kids convert or is it a matter of going together and sitting through services as a family? (Which my hang up would be I wouldn't be allowed to take communion nor would my kids?)

 

I think maybe compromise...and do both??

[Portside]

Anyone else dealt with mixed faith marriages?

 

Sure did Randy. My T. was vehemently anti-Catholic and I was/am a cradle Catholic. It was a bit difficult for us as T. couldn't  accept most of the Church's teachings and absolutely refused to step foot into a Catholic church. She felt she could never 'belong' as she, in her mind, had sinned in such a fashion as to be beyond (Catholic) forgiveness and therefore, would have never been accepted fully as a member of my faith. Of course, she was incorrect, but - that's is how she viewed it.

 

So, we attended her church which was WAY outside my comfort zone.  The boys and I were not thrilled with it but, in order to keep the peace, we all went.

 

But, more to the point, it can work for you two if you share the major tenants of Christianity (which I'm sure you do). Might I suggest attending both services if that can work and just see how it goes. Not on any formal schedule but rather as a happy choice where both are good. The girls will follow your lead.

 

This is a perfect opportunity for ecumenical outreach for all involved.

 

By the way, the day after T., died, the priest of my (old) parish stopped by the house and, during our discussion, asked if he could say a Mass for her. I told him, of course, but she had sinned greatly and died outside a state of grace.

 

All he said was "So?".

 

Best wishes

 

 

 

 

[soloact]

[quote author=Portside link=topic=1992.msg24212#msg24212 date=1453834004

 

 

 

All he said was "So?".

 

Best wishes

 

 

I wish the smoke would blow his way.

[Trying]

I think it all comes down to what each if you is willing or not willing to compromise.  I was raised Presbyterian and DH was Catholic.  He felt strongly about our kids being raised Catholic, I was ok with it, as long as they were raised Christian I was able to overlook some of the "rules" I didn't agree with.  I have always taken communion in the Carholic church because I was raised that I can take communion in any Christian church.  The funny thing is, I was always the one in charge of all of their religious ed requirements and volunteering and went to all of the meetings for first communion and confirmation, not DH. 

 

The fact that you each have children raised in different churches makes it a bit more complicated than a young couple starting out.  Can you each stick with your own church until the kids are grown and then revisit the conversation?  You can always compromise on holidays and go with each other.

[Guest Mel4072]

I think it's funny that you are Catholic (lots of rules) and she is Methodist (anyone is welcome!) and yet she is the one so concerned! I am Methodist and have always wondered if Catholics "knew more" than Methodist just because of the differences. I work closely with 2 Catholic women and listening to ALL that they have to do; I would fail greatly! I think the fact that you are both believers should be sufficient to your marriage. We each have our own walk with Christ. Sometimes we try to walk away and He has to chase us down. (I missed church a couple of Sunday's back.) My point being that it's not other believers or a particular religion that save us. It's within us. And our relationship with Him. Remind her that God is the only one who can judge us. As for kids, it gives them variety and exposure to 2 religions. They are their own people and will grow up and make their own choice.

That's my 2 cents, but what do I know? I'm a Methodist!  Good luck and congratulations!

[Mizpah]

It seems to me this isn't as much about being mixed faith, but about one of the institutions being invalidating toward her/your status together.  Theoretically, it's easy to pass it off - oh, it's the stodgy Catholic church, progress is slow, this is just the way it is, a thousand crazy rules, the leadership doesn't matter as much as the experience, etc., etc.  But when you are shunned by any part of the world of your partner, it simply doesn't feel good, and what should religion be if not about goodness? 

 

This post makes me really glad to be Jewish.  BUT one of my exes' parents - they didn't feel I was Jewish enough, and it made me (much against my will) rather bitter toward them and toward their sect, even against my own culture/religion.  That stupid trite meme quote about not remembering what people said, but remembering how they made you feel - I find it is a bit true unfortunately.  She feels insulted and rejected, and I think they say that women's memories are very emotion-based, which could explain why she can't put it aside.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC125046/

 

As for mixed faith - I am of Jewish descent but was raised Catholic until I was in 6th grade, and am an atheist.  My boyfriend and father of my daughter was raised Catholic and is extremely anti-religion.  He doesn't participate much in our Jewish traditions, but we continue to do them.  For example, when our daughter was eight days old, I had a Hebrew naming ceremony at our temple, and he didn't come.  BUT it's fine with me, and it's fine with him and neither of us feels upset by any of it.  No one's been rejected or invalidated.  It seems you want everyone together when it comes to religion/attendance, though, which makes sense, so I suppose everything I'm saying is irrelevant to your situation.... 

 

As the wedding issue fades with time and new habits, perhaps gradually she will come to feel comfortable at your church?  Could you do three weekends at hers, and one at yours for a little bit, then do equal time, and revisit the issue later?  Does she know people who attend there?  Perhaps by integrating her into the community, she will grow attached gradually and come to see the technicalities as just that, rather than affronts to her status/validity. 

[ManutesGirl]

I struggled with some of this with DH. He wasn't Catholic and was divorced.  The not Catholic part wasn't a big issue because he fully supported me and my beliefs.  The divorced part was harder though.  He applied for an annulment and it was denied.  It was devastating for both of us - I think it was even worse for him.  We wound up getting married outside of the Church and had a beautiful beach wedding.  I continued to be a practicing Catholic and he too attended Mass with me.  I know that there are those in the Catholic Church that wouldn't have agreed with how we handled it but that is on them, not me.

 

I get that she may take it personally and not sure how to handle that part.  There are things about all faith traditions that are difficult for those that don't practice that faith.  I hope in time she realizes that it isn't personal.  If I come across anything that might help I'll let you know.

[Sugarbell]

Maybe you all could compromise and be Episcopalian ? DH Dad was Catholic and Mom raised Baptist...and they compromised. DH pretty much used to tell me "We are just Like Catholics...but everyone can take communion, divorced people can get married in the church, women can be priests and priests can get married--and we like gay people.😊"

 

But the actual service was very formal and I believe almost identical to Catholic Mass except everyone takes communion.

 

[fairlanegirl]

Maybe you all could compromise and be Episcopalian ? DH Dad was Catholic and Mom raised Baptist...and they compromised. DH pretty much used to tell me "We are just Like Catholics...but everyone can take communion, divorced people can get married in the church, women can be priests and priests can get married--and we like gay people.😊"

 

But the actual service was very formal and I believe almost identical to Catholic Mass except everyone takes communion.

Indeed, thanks Henry, all because you wanted to get rid of that Spanish queen! 

[Gabzmom]

Are you wanting your fiancee to get an annulment and she doesn't want to?  Or is the process going to be beyond your wedding date?  Why couldn't you get married in her church?  Or a local Methodist church in your town?

 

I think now, I don't know that I want to be married in the church (I am Catholic).  I just don't know.  Just having concerns with managerial issues in our parish I guess.  I am still involved in organizations affiliated with the church.  I will always be Catholic and it is my preference.  I just don't agree with a few "rules," so to speak. 

 

I am imagining a small intimate ceremony.  No pomp no circumstance.  And a fun party outdoors.  However, that is a long way off as I have no partner.  LOL. 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

A couple years ago a friend of mine accepted her boyfriend's proposal.  She had been married twice: divorced the first time and widowed the second. Having had two weddings, she said, lets just be married by a notary public. 

 

Her beloved wanted to make a bigger celebration of it.  They approached his priest who told them the deceased husband didn't disqualify her from Catholic rites, but the living one would require she get an annulment.  Her first husband had been helpful and understanding when the second one had died, but she didn't want to hassle him with the whole process.  Her minister was approached next, but he had such strong disagreements with Catholic doctrine he refused to marry them as well.

 

So...they had a lovely wedding, with a notary public as the celebrant.

[Bear Tomás]

My MIL and FIL were both Catholic but never attended Mass together. He was a crack of dawn type and she loved to sleep in.

[twistedmensa]

My MIL and FIL were both Catholic but never attended Mass together. He was a crack of dawn type and she loved to sleep in.

 

My grandparents were the same way...and they were polar opposites politically, as well.  I loved watching them interact.

[Lisa]

If you are both faithful I would consider UCC where all are invited to communion or Episcopal where all baptized can receive. You can each still visit your respective churches when you desire. I am Catholic but I practice at UCC instead. We didn't have time for miles annulment so we hired an American Catholic (not Roman) to do our wedding. I continued my tradtion of worshipping wherever I wantedmm

He did not attend any church. His kids already had their religious 3rd and we're free to do what they wanted