DonnaP Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Ok - very weird day yesterday. Step-daughter leaves us a note, admitting that she/he has decided that she/he is transgender. He wants us to start calling him Theo, his new trans name, and use the correct pronouns (he/him). Not sure how to handle this. It's all so far beyond my realm of normal. I think I need time to process. Anyone have ANY experiences of this sort to share? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Hi Donna, I can see this being a shocking thing. I think love can be your North Star, though. I don't have up-close experience, but a friend of the girls is female-to-male trans. He hasn't switched away from his birth name, but prefers "he". His parents are religious and conservative and don't use his preferred pronoun, which drives one daughter crazy. She's pretty militant about radical acceptance. Here's how I look at things. If my child changed their name, I would of course try to address them by their chosen name. If their reality is about their gender or sexuality, I will respect that as well. I do have some related experience - one daughter is pansexual and the other feels that bisexual describes her best. I have said that I will look for the best in whoever they bring home, and based on their friends, I'd expect to love them. I will say that I think a lot of teens in my circle seem to be exploring their sexuality and gender, to the point where I think not all will stay where they are now. If their magic people let them explore without adding more issues, I'd assume that wherever they land is going to be a good place for them. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 An honest review of the most recent professional papers and studies on the matter will show, by a vast preponderance that psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers identify the announcement of being transgendered as a primary marker of mental illness. While there are examples of individuals that truly are 'trapped' in the incorrect physical body, the occurrence of this disease is very, very rare. Rights activists and social workers generally hold the opposite opinion. It seems to be all the rage these days. I don't not believe any choice an individual makes is necessarily a good or healthy one. This is one of those cases. To the extent possible, I'd suggest an in-depth psychiatric evaluation of your stepson and take the cue for next steps from there. I'm aware my view is not a popular choice. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Not sure what an honest review of the literature constitutes, because, no, transgender is not a "primary marker" of mental illness. From the American Psychological Association: A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder. For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination. Many other obstacles may lead to distress, including a lack of acceptance within society, direct or indirect experiences with discrimination, or assault. These experiences may lead many transgender people to suffer with anxiety, depression or related disorders at higher rates than nontransgender persons. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), people who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence can be given the diagnosis of "gender dysphoria." Some contend that the diagnosis inappropriately pathologizes gender noncongruence and should be eliminated. Others argue that it is essential to retain the diagnosis to ensure access to care. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) is under revision and there may be changes to its current classification of intense persistent gender incongruence as "gender identity disorder." I have a wonderful niece who, at age 15, just came out of the closet as gay. Around age 13, she'd started cutting herself and tried to kill herself a few times-- we almost lost her, only saved by her older sister wondering why she was taking so long in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Self hatred and fear of what family and friends will think is a terrible thing. She's doing much better now, has a girlfriend she's in a band with, and generally is back to being a happy kid on the edge of adulthood. Will she only date girls? Don't know. Don't care, as long as she's happy. Nearly losing her on top of losing my wife...my nieces are the closest thing I've got to children. Enough said. My advice-- love and accept your step-daughter/son. He's going to have enough trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 If their magic people let them explore without adding more issues, I'd assume that wherever they land is going to be a good place for them. Nothing to add other than to stand up and say Bravo, Rob, bravo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 An honest review of the most recent professional papers and studies on the matter will show, by a vast preponderance that psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers identify the announcement of being transgendered as a primary marker of mental illness. While there are examples of individuals that truly are 'trapped' in the incorrect physical body, the occurrence of this disease is very, very rare. Rights activists and social workers generally hold the opposite opinion. It seems to be all the rage these days. I don't not believe any choice an individual makes is necessarily a good or healthy one. This is one of those cases. To the extent possible, I'd suggest an in-depth psychiatric evaluation of your stepson and take the cue for next steps from there. I'm aware my view is not a popular choice. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Good luck - Mike Mike, I shall refrain from commenting on your post other than to respectfully request you remove it. The OP has requested shared experiences, not your judgment, unsolicited opinion and skewed advice. abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Portside, I don't believe the entirety of your reply is helpful. We don't use transgendered as a term anymore. I'm always a believer in counseling but not because I think this is a mental illness. Because everyone needs help coping. It is a shock, but love lights your way. I have a friend who has accepted his child's transition. Yes, it was a struggle. The young person is somewhat troubled. Most of us are at some point. But my friend and his. wife love and support their child. Acceptance is the most important thing. You don't want your child to feel alone and abandoned. I recommend you look for a local PFLAG chapter and go to meetings. This is so confusing I'm sure. Sending prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluebird Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Dear DonnaP, Unfortunately I don't have any experience on this topic to provide meaningful input, I did however want to send my support and admiration that you are seeking to better understand how to respond. I thought this article might be helpful: http://parentinfo.org/article/when-your-child-comes-out-as-transgender-a-qa-with-sue-chitayi Love and hugs, Bluebird Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelby Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Donna, my younger kid is trans. It is a journey but we have done our best to fill in the cracks in the sidewalk with love. Feel free to call or message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Nothing meaningful to add, I just want to send support your way. What a difficult announcement to make and a confusing one to hear. I believe that if you handle it with love then acceptance will follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I also want to pass on my support to you. I have no experience in this personally, but at my workplace we have had two people transition and they were treated with kindness and support that made me so proud to work there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Not super direct experience but.... I had a friend whose identical twin decided to go from Andrew to Alice. I don't know how many years this lasted....not how far into the transition he got. . But he did change his mind....went back to Andrew. In his case, his family has a history of mental illness.....and also their father molested the one who went trans and also committed suicide when the boys were 10. Soooo. I know that much. I also have had a client at my workplace who appeared to me to be a totally normal woman. No crazy makeup or clothing routine just an average jane with an average husband. Turns out she used to be a dude. Never woulda guessed. I also know it's normal for teens and young adults to experiment with their sexuality and identity. Regardless, as a couple other commenters noted.... let love lead and guide you. That's all that really matters; unconditional love and acceptance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonnaP Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. There is a lot to think about, and while I agree that showing her/him we still love her/him, I'm also keenly aware of the dangers implicit here (fear of non-acceptance; risks of drugs, suicide, etc.) For the time being, I plan to tread lightly and try to be as supportive as possible. The problem, for me, is that although I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, it is often difficult for me to mask my true feelings, so if I feel something is wrong, it may show through my feeble attempts to mask it. Not that I think her decision is "wrong" per se. But I do think she has a tendency toward the dramatic, and past history tells me that she is prone to jumping into the deep end of the pool without fully contemplating what that means. I also think that making any "rash" decisions about surgically altering her body or taking hormone injections should wait a little longer, until she/he is absolutely certain, without the slightest doubt. I pray for the strength I will need to help see her through this period of turmoil, whichever way it turns out. DonnaP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Not that I think her decision is "wrong" per se. But I do think she has a tendency toward the dramatic, and past history tells me that she is prone to jumping into the deep end of the pool without fully contemplating what that means. I also think that making any "rash" decisions about surgically altering her body or taking hormone injections should wait a little longer, until she/he is absolutely certain, without the slightest doubt. This is important information to consider. Blindly accepting and embracing every decision a loved one makes is not the most loving way to proceed, in my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 DonnaP, no personal experience to share, and I can see what you mean about the drama, but a friend's daughter successfully transitioned to male and my friend's loving support meant everything (the husband/father left, the marriage broke up). Building on what Quixote stated, from the American Psychiatric Association, 2013, description of how gender dysphoria is characterized in DSM-5 (emphasis added): It is important to note that gender nonconformity is not in itself a mental disorder. The critical element of gender dysphoria is the presence of clinically significant distress associated with the condition. Pretty categorical. IMHO, this argues for limiting the distress the individual faces. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Not much to say, except that I'm the mother of an amazing, brilliant, artistic, erudite non-binary gender fluid child. While she hasn't asked us to change pronouns (because sometimes she feels feminine), she has a male name that she prefers to use outside of the immediate family. I love it because I can use all five names when she's in trouble! ;-) My point is that my child identifies as female some days, male on other days, and sometimes agender. Regardless, she is my child, and she knows I will adore and support her, regardless. Unconditionally. Without question. I trust that she knows herself best, and it's my privilege to love her while I watch her discover her (or his, whenever the request to change pronouns come) incredible unique self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpgct Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 An honest review of the most recent professional papers and studies on the matter will show, by a vast preponderance that psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers identify the announcement of being transgendered as a primary marker of mental illness. Well, no, in fact, I don't think that's at all accurate. Donna, I think that you've gotten some very wise advice. I do agree that it makes sense to encourage her/him/them to go slowly, and to remember to take a deep breath yourself before reacting. And if it seems helpful, I can point you to some good local parent support resources. And if nothing else - as the mother of a similarly aged young adult in a notoriously progressive liberal arts college - I love a good discussion on gender as a social construct . Feel free to shoot me a text or send a pm. Hang in there! Someday we will look back on these days and feel proud of ourselves for meeting the challenges of parenting with honesty and love, even if we're not always as graceful as we might hope to be. Big hugs, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Not from a child point of view but my uncle recently decided he wanted to be a she. It was tough for his immediate family but they have accepted it as has the extended family - and he is in his 60s. I will say I don't understand it fully but my uncle is now very happy and I think that is what is most important. There were obviously quite a few changes in his life- physical, medical and now she has a whole new set of friends. As family, we just rolled with it including calling him/her by the new name when it was relayed to us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piecesofapart Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 My best friends (Born) her brother - but now transgendered into her sister, "C". When I first met "C" (he at the time) was a full blown drug addict- my friend used to cry to me all the time over it- many of the things addicts go thru...stealing/arrests/ re-habs- but 7 years ago "C: got sober. The transition was slow-beginning soon after "C" got sober (since I've know "C"- aged 27 to now 37) C's style was always very different from anything I've ever seen- she really stood out- but did not look fully male or female- the more feminine clothing/ hair and make up happened slowly. I love the person- not the he or she. She "C" wants to be called the feminine name of her male name. And wears long skirts and makeup. At first it was small changes- but the day she wore a skirt and full make up and styled her long hair instead of wearing it in a long pony tail under a hat... I'll say it was shocking-to see- but I just smiled and said WOW- I wish I could get my hair and make up to look that great! she just seemed more in her body as a female - and I could see she felt at ease when I would welcome her and say Hi "C" (feminine name) and use she/ instead of he. She really looks great-because I am sure she feels more her "authentic" self. I asked her for tips on hair and makeup and that helped to bond us even more. She moved away two years ago- but I always ask my friend how "C" is doing- my friend has small children and she asked if the kids should start calling her Aunt now instead of Uncle- as she said yes. I think she moved away to fully become a woman. It's hard on someone to be transgender- heck life is hard enough in any case...and I will not make it harder for anyone....everyone just needs to be who they are..who are they hurting? and if you feel you are a girl-or are a boy- you can't fight it? so why should anyone have to - or have people not accept who they feel they are? and treat them as such. As for getting hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery- that takes a while- no professional doctor will do it on a whim- there are steps the person needs to complete first. I'm reading the book Called "Being Jazz- my life as a Transgender Teen" maybe that can help you understand more? I know it helped me- she also has a show on TLC called "I am Jazz". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I think a lot of your response should depend on the age and matureity level of the kid. A young teen telling you is one thing a older teen is another. A lot of teens experiment so what seems right today might be different tomorrow. The best advise I ever got about kids was to focus on that stuff that is permeant in nature. Hair styles, color of clothing and make-up is all temporary. Unless they are considering a operation or hormone therapy this might just be temporary. When all else fails act in love. Not at all related to sexuality but, I decided at 10 that I wanted to change my name and start using my middle name. My mother talked to me and explained that this was a huge change for everyone and that I would need to correct everyone and be forgiving and kindly remind people. So that's what happened, took about 6 months but almost no one remembers my first name now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 I recently heard a great interview with the mother of a transgendered child and learned she has a podcast. Though her child is much younger and male to female, it might be helpful to give it a listen. http://www.howtobeagirlpodcast.com A very good friend of mine has a teen daughter who came to her a year ago expressing that she might be transgendered. It's been a bit of a struggle for my friend, who is very open-minded. Her youngest brother is gay, so she understands that and jokingly lamented- why can't she just be a lesbian?! Her child began seeing a therapist. She has not requested hormone therapy or a name/pronoun change, but her clothing and haircut are extremely masculine and she has always despised dealing with her breasts and period...my friend is just trying to keep communication open and give her love and acceptance as best she can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sending love to you Donna. I don't have experience in this, just sending my support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Hey Donna, No words of advise, just sending you my support. ~J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 While listening to this week's 'The Moth' I thought of you, Donna, when I heard this story. I hope you and your family are doing well. https://themoth.org/stories/leaping-forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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