Boys need their dad

[Blue green]

Hello, I lost my husband from a stroke on 8/7/16. We have three sons, 11, 7, and 11 months. I have had moments where I feel panicked about them "no longer having a dad." They NEED him so bad. Sometimes I feel an urgency to get them a dad. I know that may sound ridiculous. I am nowhere near ready to date. It's just such a helpless feeling, seeing them struggle. Can anyone relate? We have no family in our town or within four hours and it's hard to get friends' dads who are so busy with their own families to fill in.

[JustLola]

Oh, Blue Green, that's a lot on your shoulders. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your boys' loss.

 

You're still in such early days. There's so much coming at you and I completely understand that overwhelming feeling of wanting to fix every problem. Give it time. Not only will it look different to you in a few months but things/solutions may occur to you that haven't yet. I'm only 6 1/2 months out, but some of the things I was so worried about at first have developed in ways I couldn't have imagined then.

 

My son was 15 when his dad died. We had called the paramedics and one of the police officers who came with them had lost his dad about the same age. He told me my son would be fine. He said there was something about seeing his mother do everything in her power to take care of her family that made him so grateful for her. It helped him become a man.

[Eddienhp]

Blue Green, so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. I too felt the same way when my husband died. I do have male relatives within 45 minute drive. They didn't respond to my request for male role model help. I really tormented over it. My son was 5 and daughter was 2 when my husband passed. The 5th anniversary is quickly approaching. A lady who works in the school office has developed a mentor ship with my daughter. My son has special needs so he qualified for a program that would allow me to hire people to help him. His former aide at school took on one night. That man has been a wonderful role model for both of my children. While they don't have a dad in the typical sense, they have access to a very special man who loves them as if they were his own.

 

Don't worry, Blue Green. A man with a kind heart will come your way. It may be a teacher, coach, neighbor or a friend's dad. It will come.

 

Sending you hugs and strength,

Eileen

[Nuggets]

So sorry for your loss, Blue Green ~ and the extra pressure of young children that are grieving.

 

Please take time for yourself to heal, and to provide kind environments for those little boys to heal -- finding another daddy is a very low priority right now.  You are so new to all of this, the motto in the early days is 'one day, one minute, one second at a time' ....

 

My son was 11 when John died ~ he's 26 now (graduated both polytechnic and university) ~ we figured it out ... one day, one minute, one second at a time.  I have not recoupled (two significant relationships in 14 years, neither resulted in a second Happily Ever After but that is not my point) but went about rebuilding a life that was going to continue without John as a physical presence.  He is still very much a spiritual presence.

 

Be kind to yourself ~ come here often and let us row for you when you need a break.

[Momtojandj]

I can't add to much, everyone said such wonderful things. I will offer you a hug . My boys were 12 and 14 when John died. It's four years today , I struggle all the time that he's not here . I talk about him all the time, make sure my kids see johns family as much as possible and I try my very best . Ps.. Can I just add I had to take on that dad talk to kids role , since I wasn't sure what they knew and guess what ? The boys and I have a very open talking relationship . 

[Kestrel]

My children were a little younger than yours when my dh died 11 years ago. The oldest was 10 and he had the hardest time. We were a thousand miles from the nearest relatives. Although my dh's coworkers and our neighbors said they would do things with the kids, they never did.

 

I applied to Big Brothers for the oldest. He was matched with an older man a few months later. Although my son never bonded much with his big brother, it was good for him to get out of the house and to have a male take interest in him.

[klim]

Mostly they need a parent that is there for them....has their interests in mind.

 

Take care of yourself so you can be everything they need.

A mom that is good to herself and proud of them will take them well on their way...the rest will come to them.

hugs

[imissdow]

So sorry for your lost. Thinking of what my kids lost when my LH died breaks my heart.  I have 3 girls and the the only relatives close by are my parents and in-laws, all in their 80s now and not at all intrested or able to hang out with my girls. The youngest was 5 when dad died. Male role models have come from rather different places. 2 guys  at my church , a neighbor, and a bunch of guys at a karate school she has just started at.  Before I hear all the warnings all of these guys see my DD in group situations. However they and their wives come to her events, celebrate with her and treat her like a much adored niece.  I have found to my suprise that being open with people about her lost, and then telling them how much she enjoys their  attention helps. She is a sun shiny, huggy, kid so that probably helps to. After all what guy can refuse a kid whose face lights up as she throws herself at them.

My point is if you start looking you can probably find a few role models, scouts, school, sport teams, or maybe the guy next door. Don't expect one person to be everything but lots of different people and be important in different ways. It's not quite the same but it does help.

[Adley]

I'm sorry, Blue Green. Don't let that pressure to 'get them a dad' influence any future relationship decisions. May I share? When I came back from the hospital and bore the news to my children, I was sitting on the floor with my girls in my lap. My 5 yo looked at me matter of factly and said ' My Mama died?' and began bawling. A breath later my 3 yo wailed/screamed 'But I want a new mama!' and sobbed. We rocked and sobbed and our hearts were all breaking at the same time. We were two thousand miles from home and surrounded by some inlaws and their friends who had been hostile to me for months.

  Fast forward 23 months. After many comments from many people (who, in hindsight, had no idea what they were talking about) hinting that they needed a mother, I shouldn't be alone, etc., and my own complete overwhelmedness, I took the plunge (remarried). We are still traumatized from living for four months with what Solomon once termed  'a contentious and angry woman'.

    So take time, there has been some great advice in these other replies. There are good role models they can be around without going full blown and getting a new dad. It's hard to separate our children's need for their lost parent from  all the other factors involved in a new relationship. But we have to, or we get involved with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. I'm just saying, when and if you seek a new relationship, please put your needs first. It's beyond heartbreaking,but our old reality will not come back. We have to be careful who we let into the new one. I hope this helps and wish you the best.

[singinmomo4]

I most certainly can relate.

 

I am a widowed mom to 4 boys who were 5, 7, 15 & 18 when their father died 7 years ago.  I have not remarried.  I've dated off and on a fellow widower but as much as I wanted it to somehow, some way work, it didn't.  Long story short, my boys have gone 7 years without a father figure in their lives.

 

Making matters worse, my oldest son, a 25 year old with a good heart has been in and out of trouble because he tends to make foolish choices.  My now 22 year old on the other hand has done very well and should graduate from college next year.  So oldest son has not been there for his younger brothers but 22 year old son, when he isn't at college, has.  Neither though has really done the things with their younger brothers that their father did with them.  It hurts how much my two younger sons, now 12 & 14, have missed not having their dad or a father figure in their life.

 

But somehow we are making it, day by day.  They do need their dad.  I wish there were someone in their lives to give them the experiences that Rick would have, but there isn't.  I don't guess I'm sounding very up beat am I?

 

The previous poster is right though, jumping into a relationship in order to provide a father figure can really not work out well.  I've know other widows who have done very well getting their sons involved in scouts and sports.  I haven't for a variety of reasons I won't take the time to go into.  It just didn't work out for us.  I have found all the people who said they would be there to step in and be that male figure usually aren't. 

 

However, there are a lot of women out there raising sons just fine on their own and you can too.  You have more strength and abilities than you know.  Right now you are in shock but eventually you will find your way.  Have faith in yourself.  You will do just fine. 

[Sugarbell]

(((((We get it)))))

My sons were 3 and 4 when they lost their Dad. Early years I ha a strong need urgency to find them "a guy a Dad". My 4 year old even said ".We need a Dad..go find us one".. like I could go to Target and get one off the shelf.

 

Made many relationships mistakes..too many to list or even remember. it's been over 9 years and they are now 12 and 14..And have far exceeded my expectation those early years.

 

Yes they need a Dad...THEIR Dad..not a cheap substitute. How I realized I can give them that is to my a Mom who has her shit together and give them positive memories of their Dad..so I. A sense they now know him. I keep my relationships separate now from my kids (not saying that's he correct way but it's the way that works for me).

 

Many remarry and fine great new father figures for their kids. Nothing wrong with that...just not for me right now at this time. Best advice I could give is to heal work on you and focus on your relationship with your sons. You will be amazed at yourself and how you can do things and fill roles you never thought imaginable. and yes that takes time and it rough, But trust me it's rougher when you rush and find the Wrong person out of desperation for your kids. Been theee done that.

[Blue green]

Thank you for the replies! I am not in a rush to be in a new relationship. My mind and heart are still consumed with my husband. A day after Jamie died, I was shocked to hear my sons ask me if I was going to remarry. So sad, I think they were looking for that feeling of security. I told them I think it'll be "just us for a long long time and that we will be okay. It's so very unfair to them and when I look at them, my heart aches for them and the fact that this loss is a part of their story. We are managing very well day to day, but the sadness is never far away. I appreciate all the insight and encouragement. I want my boys to look back and know that I did everything I could for them. There are times we absolutely need a man...so I text our neighbor! He's helpful and he can lift heavy things!

[MACC]

Thanks for sharing blue green. My husband passed over 2.5 years ago and my son was 6 and my daughter 4. They will always need and miss their dad. I honestly don't think that will ever change. I notice my daughter craving attention especially from males. Worries me a bit to be honest.

 

My son has told me he doesn't want me to remarry. I personally worry about bringing someone new in their life for fear of someone potentially hurting them physically or emotionally. I have a brother who lives locally but he has 2 jobs and a daughther he is raising on his own. One of my husbands friends and his wife will occassionally take the kids out. A very kind gesture that doesnt go unnoticed.

 

Mostly I have focused on being the best mom I could possibly be. I am far from perfect but try my best and hope its enough. To help fill in the male role model role I sign my kids up for sports through the park district. I also highly recommend cub/boy scouts. The den leaders are parents of kids that go to same school. I made sure to stay during meetings and events. Got to know parents to make sure I could trust them. Scouts has been great and affordable compared to other activities.

 

Everyone manages in their own way but we all find that inner strength that we never knew

we had.

[Ursula]

I hear you. Our little boy just loves other men. one of mh My BILs is very good with him, but just on such another wave than his dad used to be. It hurts that he has to miss out knowing how much his own dad would love him.

And yes, I think I am way too motherly in bringing up this boy and that a good portion of fathering would do him good. I think a blance between mother and father is just healthier than just one side.. on the other hand many children grow up to be ok with only half the parents. maybe we just should stop fretting over it and get out and kick a ball with them. ours has not complained yet about mum s bad football playing..