For those in budding relationships ...

[Trying]

Obviously none of us can truly make judgement based on what little we know here. My guess is that the simple fact that you chose to tell this story means there is some small part of you that has some trepidation.  That’s ok, this is what courting is supposed to be about. Find a balance between being open and trusting and being cautiously questioning.

 

I will admit that I overlooked some red flags with my NG and he definitely overlooked a few of mine!  We are now married and we have to face these head on. It doesn’t mean either of us regrets marrying, very few people get this far in life without some baggage. The question comes down to if you are each willing to carry the other’s baggage and make room for it to be stored permanently in your attic next to your own.

 

Take your time to enjoy the infatuation and get to know each other.

[Leadfeather]

Who doesn't have baggage at this point in their life? I have seen so many good qualities in her that I am willing to give her time to work through the issues she is having now. And she is working through them. I have seen that and I have seen much forward progress in our relationship. And I appreciate that she is honest and open with me regarding her struggles, I much prefer that to not knowing and being blindsided further down the road.

[serpico]

The thing is, she did not have to tell me he had just called.

 

You’re right, she didn’t, but she did - twice. I think that’s what got my antenna up a little - why is it so important to tell you about something that should really be inconsequential if she doesn’t have any feelings for him? Maybe she’s fine and I really hope things work out between you two, but she seems to be playing games or something.

 

We’re only getting half the story here, but something just seems off. Best of luck to you.

[BrokenHeart2]

From what information you have provided since that's all we have to go on something seems very off with this lady.  First the ex boyfriend calls and she "thought" she blocked him? That's too weird.  Then why would a simple phone call bring her to tears to a man that would like to date her.  Really? Why? Rhetorically asked, is she she still way to emotionally involved with him, is she playing for your pity, sympathy to pull you in even more?  This just doesn't make any sense.  Please guard your tender heart LF.  I say tender heart because after losing our spouses I believe our hearts need extra care after being so shattered. You seem to be such a caring giving man and I wish the best for you!

Hugs

[klim]

ok going to give my 2 cents worth.....

 

The fact that she is honest , the fact that it feels good, the fact that you are aware and thinking......this is good.

 

We all have baggage at this point, which means that sometimes are minds do waver, we do think about lost loves both deceased and exes.....does it mean we are not ready to move forward? I think not! We want to try.

 

I know that with my new guy I have been slow to fully be emotionally available. I wasn't playing games....I was figuring myself out. I don't know how people can be so bloody sure of themselves in these strange new situations we find ourselves in. I think if NG had described me to his friends he might have gotten the same reaction you are getting here. i wasn't playing games . Maybe some would say I shouldn't be dating if I wasn't sure of my direction but I was always honest about what was going on in my head.

 

Anyway I  am a very trusting person ( maybe to a fault) but I would be taking her at her word and  keep enjoying what she brings to your life.

 

As Arneal said....Follow your instinct. Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities

[trying2breathe]

LF, you seem to be a great guy.  Offering support and solidarity in this journey.

 

Love what arneal said - Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities.

[Virgo]

I agree with Klim and Arneal. We all have baggage and part of our baggage is grief. We all deal with our grief differently. Especially when it comes to recoupling. Being with my NG is easy. We really enjoy spending time together. Our time apart is what I struggle with. Time with my thoughts of over thinking the future, doubt, and feeling guilty.The closer we get the more I think about my LH. It makes me want to pull away and stop dating all together. I'm hoping it's a growth cycle because I care about him, and I will eventually get past it.

[arneal]

I think as others have said (not that you asked me what I think, but it's early and I'm only on my second cup of coffee lol), after loss our antenna is up. However, if they weren't, we wouldn't have the online dating laughs thread here because I'd dare say more than a few of us have gotten caught in the crazy trap

 

I shared either on this thread or that one time I was over at BFs place about a year (?) into our connection and he wanted to show me something on his mobile. He clicked the wrong button and it was the dating app POF. I was stunned because I had said a few months into our regular dating that I was getting off all dating apps to concentrate on this possible thing. He seemed annoyed about the app, closed it, and moved on to what it was he wanted to show me. I wrote a post here about it and it may have been Captains Wife who talked me off the virtual ledge by suggesting that maybe he just hadn't deleted it. Besides seeing that he still had a dating app, there were no flags that something was amiss.

 

When he and I met, he was separated and the divorce didn't get finalized until about four or five months in. He talked about his ex a lot. There was much they needed to work out and their relationship was rather unpleasant. He needed to talk about it and told me that he wanted me to know all about it. Did I feel I wanted to? Nope. But it made him feel better. Even now that we are under the same roof, if something reminds him of a situation between him and her, he'll share the story.

 

Food for thought.

 

How many times, whether we say it to the new people in our lives or not, does something remind us of our LHs or LWs? Probably a few. Or more. Tough to talk about the dead to someone who's never experienced that but to talk about the living? Sure. We talk about our kids, coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members, strangers on the road, so why not living ex's?

 

Rhetorical questions there ...

 

All the best, LF and everyone. Happy Monday

[Needytoo]

Good question Arneal and I don't know how to answer it.  NG knows about DH, how he died and some good things and bad about our marriage, but I don't honestly talk a lot about him.  NG because he is going through his divorce and his ex is NUTS talks about her.  I want to know what is going and I want to be supportive but WOW this woman makes my skin crawl.  I know this woman will be part of our lives for awhile but if she part of our daily talks I don't think I can handle it. 

 

Leadfeather, hope everything goes well with your new relationship.

[Needytoo]

Good evening everyone, I need some "healthy" opinions because my female brain is working overtime.  Hopefully I keep things brief.  DH and I didn't have the perfect relationship and having spent many hours staring at a wall I know I am partly to blame.  I do not want to make the same mistakes but sometimes I just have no clue what I am doing.  NG and I are so much a good fit but in other ways we are in different spots. We are both 51 years old both have two sons but mine are much older than his.  I am estranged from my father while he lives with his widowed mother. I am widowed 5 years while he has been separated for 3 years.

He has ADD which I don't have a problem with because I feel all humans have a bit of it. 

I am a workaholic and I am trying not to let my work get in the way of our relationship. If he needs me even on short warning I am there. I on the other hand still have a hard time asking for help, I have a few times but still have a hard time.

He loves to go to the gun range so I went and got my gun license so I too can enjoy his hobby with him and he is thrilled.

Last weekend we went to his cabin in the woods. It was great to get away and get some rest.  NG got his Ham Radio license and was having fun with it. He also was spending a lot of time on his phone and I might be paranoid but he made sure I couldn't see what he was doing.  I am really trying to block that feeling that he is hiding something. 

On the weekend I asked what he was doing Thursday night because I am going to this event, he said he was picking up his kids for the weekend. I asked him if there was anyway that his Mom could watch his kids so he could come. He quickly said no and then said shh so he could hear his radio.  Yep that hurt because I was going to tell him that I am getting an award that night.  I left him with his radio and went for a walk. 

Tonight is usually our movie night together. He haven't talked and have barely texted since Sunday. Am I being too paranoid?  What do I do? 

 

[trying2breathe]

Needy  Hmmm,  the part about him hiding something on his phone - is this something new to him? Some people have a natural inclination to hide what they're doing on the phone, regardless of what's going on. You might be reading more into why he's not available on Thursday night, because of this. There might be something that he's hiding, but there's also a natural ebb and flow to relationships and it's a good thing to sometimes take a break from the routine. It sounds like you're getting to a comfortable place in the relationship where he feels like he can be honest with you, but I'd let him know when you want to continue a conversation and not getting shushed.  Sorry that you're feeling badly about this.

 

What to do?  Please don't stare at the wall - find something else fun to do, without him!  I wish that some of us wids lived closer, we'd get together and have some fun.  And congrats on that award!

[jgib]

I will tell you what I would do, but it surely doesn’t mean it is the right thing.....

I would be upfront and say what you have said to us here......That he seemed to spend a lot of time on his phone and that you got the feeling he was hiding it from you.  See what he says....

Then you have two choices, believe what he tells you, or get out because it is no fun to be with someone that you don’t think is being truthful with you.

[Needytoo]

First off you guys are great.  I really appreciate everyone's honesty on this site. 

 

NG and I were planning on buying an used fishing boat together.  Unfortunately both of us have to pay income taxes this year and he said he can't.  I could buy a boat but I feel it is something we should buy together. 

 

Last night we did talk for a very brief moment. He was reading about Ham radios and was talking about how he want to buy a good one.  I have talked to him about putting yourself first etc.  He is trying to do that. Who am I now to say "oh you can spend money on a Ham radio but not on a boat".  He warned me before that he can really get wrapped up in stuff and that I might have to snap him out of it. I think right now I will let him do his own thing since it has only been a few days of him acting like this.  Am I doing the right thing, I have no clue. I am not in a happy spot but one thing I have found during this time of figuring out life is when I feel like this it is time to put more attention into myself. So that is what I am going to do.

 

 

[arneal]

Hey there, Needy -- how timely is your post! I love the replies you've gotten so far and would add that I think trust is something many of us here wrestle with on a daily (hourly?? second-ly????) basis. It is hard to have a great loss, whether our relationships were fabulous or not, and jump right out there with an open and trusting heart! At least for me ...

 

That said, I agree with trying2: please don't stare at the wall. Go do what you enjoy (even if that's binge watching a show, needlepoint, squaredancing, or skydiving ... whatever it is, get to it!) and let him have his space.

 

So yesterday morning, BF woke up in a rather dreadful mood. He was tense and irritable (not a morning person anyhow, but this was the crankiest I've seen him), to the point he yelled loudly at my dogs. They adore him, so much so that my baby boy (the 80lb one) won't let BF out of his sight. They were confused, looking at him like 'What are you getting so loud for?' He apologized immediately and said he was tense. I wanted to laugh but kept it to myself. He took them to their room so he could have some space on the couch before work to drink his coffee without being licked, leaned on, or stared at  ;D I went into the kitchen and started washing the dishes from the night before while he grumbled, which made me want to laugh even more. Before long, he came out there and hugged me. I said 'Thank you!' and kept on washing dishes (now had the dogs been upset by it, there would have been a conversation instead of pleasantries ... not that I would have been nasty because I wouldn't do that just before someone has to drive these crazy Southern California highways before dawn). He wandered around, going through his usual morning routine and left. He got off early and was in a very chipper mood when he got home. Spent time with the pups while I finished a few work meetings.

 

It's interesting to me -- when I go about my thing, eventually he'll come to see what I'm doing. I basically do what I would have been doing if he wasn't here. Sure I spend time with him but my life doesn't stop because he's feeling pissy today, just like his doesn't stop if I am feeling pissy (although in my case, it's usually that I'm drained from putting out work-related fires; pissy isn't my go-to. Probably the hippie in me lol). His cranky was not caused by me or anything particular in this house so I can't carry that from an emotional standpoint.

 

He probably doesn't remember, but back when I first invited him to my house, I told him that this space is my sanctuary. I try to keep peace here, all the time, even when I am not feeling it. I try to carry that attitude with me everywhere; when I would visit his apartment, I carried my sanctuary with me. Now that we are under the same roof, it is even more important to me.

 

Maybe it's from being the pack leader for these monsters of mine ... dogs sense our moods. If we are tense, so are they. If we are comfy, so are they. By not getting freaked out by his action (or reaction?), I feel like I am just oozing peace  It works with the pups and I hope eventually, the longer BF is in this atmosphere, it will work on him as well.

 

Sorry for the long-winded share, but I hope it is helpful!

[Needytoo]

Tomorrow I am going to that event to receive my award.  Received some unwanted comments from some of my colleagues regarding NG Had to do some deep breathing to keep the tears away.  Another professor that I don't know well wants to pick me up and drive me to the hall, i declined.  At least I will be seated at a table that I know people. 

 

Arneal I think it is great that you can laugh when NG has his "cranky time". Good for you. 

 

Home alone tonight. I use to love it, now not so much.  Hate being so looney. 

[arneal]

So sorry, Needy. Wish we were all closer because we could go and be your peanut gallery <3

[sudnlysngl]

While in some ways I agree with the others, but I'm going to add my "two cents". Now going through a divorce since losing dh, I had some signs and I brushed them off. I, like you and perhaps some others here , am now in my 50's and I didn't want to seem paranoid.

 

Now, I think damn I should have listened to my sixth sense! The bells were going off, and I ignored them, made excuses for things, and it was all right in front of me.

 

I'm sorry, but we are all adults, and if there is nothing going on, then there is nothing to hide. I would just have a talk with him, and let him know how it "looked" to you and how it made you feel. If your in a relationship where you can't speak up and your feelings are not being validated as well as his, then something isn't right.

 

I just believe things like that can really ruin and break trust between people. The proverbial "ball" is in your court. If your trying to build this relationship, it can't be built on silence, or esp.

 

Just saying, besides you don't want to end up where I am, it sucks!!!

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Very well said sudnlysngl!!

 

[Needytoo]

My heart goes out to you sudnlysngl and trust me I know what you are saying. I am very sensitive to my sixth sense. I was married twice before and both marriages weren't the best, but having my alone time I know see my own faults in relationships. I am not the best communicator and have a hard time expressing my wants. I have come a long way but there is still room for improvement.  Now I am not saying that I am taking on all the blame but in this case I could have spoken up more but for some reason I didn't. That submissive "wife" syndrome kept her mouth shut. 

 

Last nights event was good, I wasn't nervous doing my speech. Thanks to Facebook and being tagged NG texted me right away. I went over to his place and we talked for a long time.  Still not sure if we resolved anything or if we can ever resolve it. Getting his kids every second weekend is something that is just a thing that needs to happen.

[tybec]

Needytoo,

 

CONGRATS!  Glad last night went well!  Be proud, very proud! 

 

Your situation has some similarities to mine.  Committed to NG but dealing with the time factors as he has kids and sacred time with them.

 

Your situation is my fear.  Important things to me, and he can't come because of his schedule.  Will be placed on the back burner over and over. 

 

I have talked to NG about this. He said he would make arrangements for special events but that requires time and planning. So, he feels I worry about something that doesn't need to be an issue.  BUT, actions so far state otherwise.  I understand the pull of loving someone who has his time limited.  It is complicated.  Not sure I stated anything helpful but that I feel your situation.

[Virgo]

Congratulations Needytoo on your award. I'm sorry your new guy couldn't be there with you.

 

I think a lot of what we're all going through is new relationship doubts. We need to remember that we went through similar doubts with our LH's. It's all a part of getting to know someone and deciding if you're truly compatible. I think we forget because we were with our LH's for years and knew them almost as well as we knew ourselves. 

 

This is non related, but I wanted to share. We all know how awkward some people can be when they hear that we're a widow. I was visiting a friend Thursday who lives three hours away.  We decided to get our nails done. The conversation led to my girls having separation anxiety about me traveling "so far" alone. When I mentioned that my LH passed 4 years ago my nail tech asked what happened, pretty common, and then she says "you're such a pretty lady, really pretty lady, you'll have fun with it." I'm really not surprised anymore, but had to share.

 

I'm hoping to see my guy tonight. We've both been pretty busy and haven't seen each other since Tuesday.

[arneal]

Well-said, Virgo -- relationship doubts. Does that ever go away? Like you, Needytoo, I went through my submissive phase in the first marriage. It was abusive and I was young and stupid, having never experienced such a thing. Second marriage was totally different; I was 'free' to speak up. Now as a twice-widowed person in a committed relationship I am more concrete on what I expect. I have moments like us all but tend to get over them quickly. I think especially now that we are under the same roof, it's hard to hide stuff. Plus BF has been through a lot in the two years we've been dating that I don't think he has the energy to hide stuff.

 

Needytoo -- your point about your BF seeming to suggest that you are worrying about a non-issue goes to several things I've read about relationship differences between the way women and men see things. I don't diminish it to a gender point but would say that we each, as individuals, have different concerns. If you've been widowed, as we've said ad nauseum, concerns are different from someone who's been separated or divorced. It is what it is and to help our SOs understand how we see the world just as much as they help us understand how they see the world is important.

 

Virgo -- that whole 'what happened' thing and the comments suggesting we should 'get back on the horse' ... I get tired of that. I've gotten to the point I mention BF and not the fact that I am widowed unless asked specifically. I've gotten the 'you are young and should get married' thing more times than I can stomach  :

[Virgo]

My guy and I addressed the "I love you " again. This time I explained my reaction to him. I'm glad we talked, and we're on the same page. I could see the relief in his face as I explained. I think he's been thinking about it since he said it. I know I have.

[Virgo]

A little vent about my middle daughter. My daughters are 18, 16, and 10. NG called me when we were on our way to meet my dad for dinner. He always calls me when he gets home from work. Well, my middle daughter was being loud and obnoxious so that it made it difficult for me to talk to him. He was trying to tell me about the lab results he received today. Needless to say we had a talk as soon as I hung up with him. I've only had a 5 minute conversation with him today, so disappointing. Then at dinner I referred to him as my boyfriend when I was showing my dad pictures of the Corvette he bought. It was easier. My dad would have said, "Mike who?" He has brain damage from a stroke so he doesn't remember his name. Anyway, my daughter said, " he's not your boyfriend." I said, "what is he then?" She said, "your guy friend. " It feels like one step forward, two steps back with her sometimes.

[Trying]

Virgo I'm sure you remember my many stories about my 2 older boys as teens and the hell they put me through initially when dating my now husband.  I can only sympathize with you and tell you that mine finally came around but only after much stress and heartache for everyone.  It was hard for me to not give into the guilt they tried to lay on me.  Keep talking to her, be understanding yet firm that you are doing nothing wrong.  Teen years are hard enough without losing a parent and dealing with all of the collateral issues that some with that so I'm sympathetic but I also realize that they know exactly how to push our buttons.

 

Vent away anytime, I get it!