Spouse's Ashes

[Missing AC]

Hi All,

 

After my DH was cremated I did not have the strength to pick up his ashes and bring them home - I was just not ready to accept it (heck, its still difficult today), so my BIL picked them up and took them home to my FIL/MIL. Unfortunately, we have now suffered another loss in our family.  My MIL passed away last Wed from Leukemia - had this been a leap year it would have been 3 months to the date since my DH.  With the thought that they would soon also have his mothers ashes in the house, my BIL asked me if I had put any thought into what I wanted to do with my DH ashes.

 

Have any of you kept your spouses ashes in your home?  where in the home do you keep them?  Have you found comfort in having them there?  If you have children, how have they handled it? Did you try to keep them home and then found you or your kids couldn't handle it and stored them somewhere else?

 

I am still not sure I want to do, or if I can handle keeping them in our home, but I have also started looking into a niche or memorial pedestal at a cemetery. 

[Callobg]

Hello Missing,

I keep half of my Wife's cremains on a night next to her side of our bed. The half of my Wife's cremains are with my MIL where she has a memorial set up.

 

Sorry that you have to be here and peace to you.

 

V/r

Boris

 

I miss and love you Latisha, my beautiful WIFE.

[klim]

I had my husband cremated because he could never stay in one place and always loved to travel so  decided I would spread his ashes in a number of his favorite locals.

 

I have a keepsake of ashes for myself and have it on the mantle. I have offered a keepsake to my sons but they do not seem comfortable with that thought. ( they were 16 and 18 when I offered , they are now 19 and 21) I will keep some for them in case they change their minds.

 

With the rest of the ashes whenever I travel to a new area I think he would have enjoyed or revisit a favorite spot from the past I will bring some ashes and distribute some there.

 

I was very nervous of opening the container the first time...asked many questions here and slowly became comfortable with it.

 

This was what i did but each to their own...my mother had my fathers ashes put in a a collisiumin a local cemetary and now her ashes are interred beside his.

 

 

 

[Lisa]

I had his cremains buried in his family plot at a Roman Catholic Cemetery

Lots of rules. I never saw the ashes. I like the fact that they are there. I sincerely don't know what I would have done if they didn't have a plot. Best of luck with your decision. I hope it brings you a measure of peace.

[Wheelerswife]

My second husband was cremated. We were both widowed before we met and decided together that we wanted to be cremated and to have our ashes split and half buried with our late spouse and half together. I followed through after 18 months and buried half of his ashes beside his wife in Northern California. The other half are in a custom made wooden box on his dresser. I have a plot with a grave marker here in town and I am probably going to inter the remaining ashes soon. I plan on leaving the area and he wanted us to be buried here.

 

I don't know anyone else who has their name on 2 gravestones, but I do!  Widow humor, I guess. If I marry again, my third husband is going to have to divide me in thirds!

 

Back to your question, it has been a comfort having my husband's ashes with me and I feel more unsettled with the thought of leaving them behind in the cemetery when I move back east.

 

Maureen

[twin_mom]

Against my faith, I did have hubbie seperated- most of his ashes are interred at church (they don't know I separated him) but I did have some put in small urns for the kids, which are currently in a drawer in my bedroom. I don't know if they'll want them- they were 9 when he died, 14 now- but they know they are there when they are ready. I personally didn't need to have his ashes with me, I found comfort in other things.

[soloact]

He's on the nightstand on his side of the bed. It was extremely comforting in the early grief. I still like having his ashes here with me. I have given thought to making some more permanent arrangements.

 

There is a plot next to my mom that will not be used. I'm listed as having burial privileges on the deed. It's a Catholic cemetery so there would be a lot of rigamarole, I'm sure. The double marker cannot be removed unless my dad ok's it. He's dead so that's a no go. I just don't want my husband's ashes discarded if something happens to me.

 

I would like our ashes to be combined and our rings dropped in with the ashes. There is no one to do that. I'm more concerned about his ashes than my own.

[sojourner]

My late husband's ashes are in a nice cupboard in my room, for now. I'd like to put them in a niche or inter them, to be joined by my own (or a portion of mine, should I remarry) when my time comes. I don't think I'm done moving yet, though. I want to wait until I can be fairly certain I'll be somewhat local, if possible.

 

I do wish was that there were a burial place where anyone could go and visit as the desire might come to them. But this seems best for now.

[Bunny]

most of my husband's ashes are buried in a cemetery in the nearby town where we were married and newly-weds. I gave some to his best friend, some to his father, and the rest I kept in my bedroom for the first few years. They were a great comfort to me. Until I started feeling like they needed to be freed from their container. I happened to be going on vacation to the state he had always wanted us to move to, so I took them with me and scattered them in a beautiful spot near a waterfall. I don't regret it, but sometimes feel wistful about not having any now.

[66etype]

Michael never wanted to be anywhere but home.. so he is here with me in a beautiful hand blown glass urn that I ordered. When I put his ashes in the urn, I put some into a flask the kids got him for fathers day... I've also put the ashes of his two beloved pets in with him. (they are all in ziplock bags). I put our wedding rings on a chain and hung them around the urn. Till death do us part..

I leave for Costa Rica in 2 weeks and the flask is coming with me. He never got to see the beauty of Costa Rica but I know he would of loved it! A little bit of him is going to stay on Playa Tamarindo.

 

I told the kids they could figure out to do with both of us after I die.. it will be their decision then.

 

Good luck!

 

Tracy

[Wheelerswife]

I leave for Costa Rica in 2 weeks and the flask is coming with me. He never got to see the beauty of Costa Rica but I know he would of loved it! A little bit of him is going to stay on Playa Tamarindo.

 

Before I buried half of my second husband's ashes in California, I took them on a multi-state road trip, including several national parks we always wanted to visit together.  For some reason, this meant a lot to me.  We were fortunate to have been able to travel quite a bit in the few short years we had, but there were so many places we still wanted to see. 

 

Thanks for triggering that memory.

 

Maureen

[piecesofapart]

I went thru many different feelings about my husband's ashes. What to do with the ashes were such a confusing thing for me to figure out.

 

At first- when making funeral arrangements- MIL wanted to put them in the mosolium where his grandparents rest and where she and my BIL will be when their time comes. I didn't like that idea- as it's hard to get to- and I thought..well where will I go when it's my time?

 

My first thought was to spread them at two places he loved..but my MIL thought that was like "dumping" him. This was in the first few days so we felt different then...no disrespect to anyone who has scattered them. Then I thought I'd bury them in place where we loved to go that's near my house- but I would be the one to bury them- and I just could not handle that- and did not feel comfortable asking anyone else to help me.

 

So I just picked them up after the funeral and had them next to my bed the first night...I shed many tears over them and swear I felt his heart beat thru the box.  Then after a while I could not take them being there- so I moved them into a guest room.  Then when I felt I needed to re-do the house to make the spaces more mine for my day to day sanity...they ended up where they are now..behind me on the shelf.

 

So I have his ashes behind me as I type. The room I am in now used to be my husband's "man-cave". I've since re-done the room into an office/hobby room. Almost all his ashes are on a bookcase in a wooden box. Next to it sits a big picture of a guardian angel. On the shelfs below are photos and mementos.

 

I also have a ring with a white heart that holds a little bit of his ashes. His mom wanted some- so she has a little in a heart on a shelf at her house. At first she just wanted to put them in box- and put them in her closet- and I said firmly- NO- I feel that's wrong...like you are hiding them...he would not want to be in closet. Please think of something that will honor him. So she found a heart- that says LOVE- when you touch it- it's says...Always... (that may have been mean of me..but I felt really strongly about it.)

 

After three years I do like having them here...not sure what will happen later on..but for now...it's what I'm comfortable with.

 

Wishing you peace.

[sojourner]

Oh, also with my LH's ashes, in addition to them being at home, I had some incorporated into a stained glass pendant. I get compliments on it... I generally don't tell people who comment on it just what exactly it is! 

[SieOma]

Missing AC,

 

I didn't like having his ashes displayed. I put it away until I was ready to spread the ashes, though it was kept accessible for all of us, any time. Eventually, I spread them.

[hachi]

I don't know anyone else who has their name on 2 gravestones, but I do!  Widow humor, I guess. If I marry again, my third husband is going to have to divide me in thirds!

Maureen

 

Indeed. I felt a little funny "like"ing that sentiment, but widow humor is what it is!

[widowhoodsucks]

I have his ashes in a mini urn on a shelf in my room, I have a ziploc bag full in my drawer. It doesn't bother me this far out (8 years). To be honest it really never did bother me. I guess it was my way of saying he was home. He really is everywhere, his sister and dad have a small urn, part of him is in a cemetery too, and part in the Atlantic that my buddy Grower and some other awesome wids from here helped me do. Do what is best for you. And know over time feelings may change and thats ok.

[jgib]

Some of my husbands ashes went with his family in New Zealand.  The ones I have were split.  I still have some in my house and find comfort in having them here.  The others were spread at the place he requested.

 

I was lucky, and unlucky enough to have lost a few family members not long before his accident.  Because of those loses we had extensive conversations about what we each would like to happen with our passing.  I am so glad we had had those conversations!

 

I flew, last year, back to a cattle property in Australia that we managed for many years.  His ashes and the ashes of his best working dog were scattered there with friends and family.  It helped allow for closure for the people down there.  We were in Canada when he had his accident.

 

It has been 3 years and I still miss him a great deal.  We were together for 20 years and thought it was going to be forever.