Curious as to why this board is so quiet

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm just curious if anyone knows why this board is so quiet over the past long while. I can remember it used to always had a ton of posts.  YWBB was always busy back in the day.

Your thoughts???

[Abitlost]

BH2,

 

I think many of the YWBB/widda members formed a private Facebook group (or two?) and that is where they post. My opinion is that is unfortunate, because not all of us are on Facebook.

 

I also think some members were offended by what they perceived as attacks (private messages and on the board) and they left.

 

abl

[MissingSquish]

I don't visit this board as much as I used to. I'm 5+ years out, and the number of widow specific experiences has diminished considerably. I don't find that I feel as alone in this experience anymore, and more of the issues that I currently struggle with are more related to life in general, and not being widowed.

[Mizpah]

Back when I was new, in 2011, people were posting all day every day.  It was such a comfort in the early days to read people's thoughts so frequently.  It made me feel sane and not alone.  I wish it was like that again, especially for those early on who need it most. 

 

(Also, if the FB group is the one I'm thinking of, it's not nearly as active as the board was, either, and doesn't seem to include many new widows - seems more veterans, unless I'm wrong.)

[Guest TooSoon]

I went on the big FB group and asked people to please come here and post more if they felt inclined.  That it has become too quiet.  There was a brief burst in posting but short-lived.  I personally think it was how the old board's demise was handled.  I know that I felt cut off at a time when I was really in need, and a lot of my interactions shifted after that shifted to Facebook, private messaging and texting.  Its a shame, really.  I still need this community - even after 4.5 years and even having remarried - and try to come back regularly to post just to try to keep it active and to lend support to people new to this widowed reality.  I owe a great debt of gratitude to ywbb and now to this board and its administrators who had it up and running so quickly after the Ywbb shut down.  I should post more.   

[Portside]

 

Hello friends! I pray all are healing and making progress towards whatever endpoint has been hoped for within each of our individual lives.

 

 

Let me say I know there are no nefarious intentions nor is anyone purposefully trying to quash a voice or particular points of view here. I am glad the mods are in place and handling this thankless job! THANK YOU!!! But I fear I am going to make it even more thankless. Namely, listing some possible areas that drive out potential posters or even discourage lurkers to sign up and post.

 

I for sure know when I have issues with staff or clients or at home, it is always due to communication issues. Forum postings are a horrible and wonderful way to communicate. The written word is not always read or received as intended. (So do not feel bad if you think herein I am being an ass. It is not my intention (this time). On rare occasion I have been wrongly labeled NOT an ass. I have not changed.)

 

Therefore, take this post in the good light from which it glows: I am merely asking questions (inartfully to be sure) seeking to find reasons for the low activity of the past months.

 

So the questions which arise for me which may contribute to folks leaving:

 

1) Why is Christian content being discounted? I will not detail the many times a poster added a post with religious content and then being taken to task for it. A following member then posts and feels the need to bash God or a particular individual that was in the following poster’s circle that professed to be a God fearing person but failed them in some way. Those comments have nothing to do with the OP’s comment or issue but only have the effect to make the OP feel small. At times, that feeling of Christian content not being valued was so pervasive here that some OPs would sometimes post a message in the title such as “Warning – Christian content” or some such. Remember? It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea certainly. But as much fuss as the forums rules make about being inclusive of all, the feeling of this type of content being discounted is widespread. It’s not overt – rather, it feels like a low key sneering towards those that are Christ centered. And then the result is fewer such posts.

 

2) Why when there is antagonism towards widower’s issues, experience and/or speaking style it is allowed to stand? While this forum is certainly open to all, men that speak roughly or inartfully are taken to task for this style of speaking/writing – not for the content of their posts. I think that possibly the only thing we can all agree to here is that men and women are different. We are put together differently, we think differently, we act differently, we love differently and we grieve differently. As a result, men’s posts have a different flavor or style than that of the ladies. When this pushback regarding style/word choice occurs, many of us feel unwelcome. And it contributes to driving the men out or discouraging them from even joining in.

 

3) Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

 

4) Why are Mean Girls/Guys not banned? There have been plenty of times when a member has stepped out of line. It happens. I choose to believe it is as a result of having an overly passionate reaction to a post or the like. But when that member is allowed to continue to participate, it chills the experience of those members whose skin is tender and tends to shout them down. The forum rules seem to be applied unevenly where some posters can skate but other, lower status, if you will, posters get beat up without consequence. We have lost many members as a result of some of the flame wars both here and at the old board. Flame wars, while an unavoidable consequence of any forum can be contained and minimized. The ban hammer, if used judiciously, will keep a forum under control.

 

I know this post may come across sharply; it is not the intent at all. Simply my thoughts and ruminations on how we can make this a better and more vibrant forum.

 

Love you all and again, THANK YOU mods for all you do - Mike

 

 

 

 

[Adley]

Port side, we can always count on you to tell it like it is. We all think differently, but we're all here out of this weird mixture of grief and caring. Well said, I say, from the starb'rd.

[sojourner]

Interesting points being made.

 

One thing I feel self-concious about when posting is knowing there's a wide age range of "young" widowhood here. I'm on the relatively older side- not a truly young widow, but too young to be a, what?, "standard" widow? And am old enough to be a grandmother (ouch!), yet, am still raising teens. I've seen posts before where very young widowed have brought up their pain, dismay, frustration, etc. relating to relatively older young widowed posting things involving their longer marriages, older children, sometimes also grandchildren.

 

I don't want to cause pain to anyone who never got to have children with their Love, for example, or got much less time together. So, oftentimes I find myself holding back on things I'd like to post about experiences I and/or my children have gone through and are still going through.

[Julester3]

I also wonder since you can read the board without logging in that many people choose to just read and not participate? The summary at the bottom of the board always has over 30 guests.  Not all of them can be search engine robots.

[Mizpah]

3) Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

 

Not to Portside, who feels the way he does (and believes I don't belong here), but to any who are coming here who were not married.  I was not married.  I only had a few far-too-short years with DH - yes, I call him that.  We'd worn rings for years, I'd changed my name legally.  We were part of each other's families.  We had plans to start our own family.  We shared a home.  We shared a life.  We planned a future together.  And it was taken.  From him.  From me.  From us.  I was torn apart, devastated, reeling.  The world made no sense to me.  All I could see was his absence.  All I could think about was his absence.  All I wanted to do was talk to him, and I couldn't.  He was my person.  What people said here was the only thing that made sense to me.  It transcended country and politics and often religion, and it transcended legal status.  For me.  I was in other relationships before that, at least one far longer.  But no prior relationship was as meaningful to me, or to him.  He was my person, my "soulmate."  We didn't get the chance to have 10 years or wedding pictures or children, and that was part of what I was mourning.  Calling it "partner loss" wouldn't have changed anything for me, about the experience in life or on the board.  And not being on the board wouldn't have been good for me, and many over the years have PM'ed me to say something I said meant something to them (just like I wrote to many others over the years in gratitude) - we ALL have that power, to light a tiny light for each other, because we know how much it hurts.  Differences in religion and custom and legal status, for me, were incidental, and I found comfort and wisdom and empathy in nearly all my fellow mourners, and also felt that, junior though I may have been in my relationship status with DH, what I experienced and thought was at times helpful to some others.  To me, that's what matters here - finding comfort, support, a sounding board, and though the words have come to take on a derogatory aspect, a "safe space," where I could be honest about how devastated or hopeless I felt, or about things I felt guilty about, like feeling happy for the first time after he died, etc., etc.  I think differences can and should be shared, and openly and honestly - as long as respectfully.  I hope this thread will only encourage more comfort here, rather than less.  Healing comes from processing and solidarity.  We all have something to gain and something to contribute. 

[Wheelerswife]

I have always felt that all who had experienced the death of a beloved partner should be welcome here - the very young to the too young to be widowed.  There is no place at all for the people who never got the chance to marry and this is the closest place for them to find community. I don't understand the need to define the concept of widowhood by having had a ceremony before losing a partner. Someone who is unmarried has not usurped anything by claiming to be or feel widowed, at least in my book. I don't understand the need for some people to drive home the concept that not being married means you are not a widowed person.

 

I have seen people driven off by this.

 

I'm sure that someone would be able to point things I might have said that discouraged people. ☹️

 

I'm sure I have said the wrong thing at times. I recognize that people here have very different belief systems. I think it gets tricky when someone interjects moral principles into a thread where the OP may believe differently. It is one thing to ask someone to consider whether something under consideration sits well in their heart/mind/gut, but to judge someone from one's own perspective isn't something any of us receives well.

 

I'm sorry for my own transgressions.

 

Maureen

[hachi]

While I agree that there isn't the constant activity of the other board, I feel that this board in general is much more civilized. Yes, we have our occasional hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but it is not even close to the  tone the old board could take at times.

 

I like it. At five years, it is still a place I feel safe and connected to others in a way I don't always feel IRL. Maybe we censor ourselves a little more now? I know i don't post as often, and there have been many times I have deleted a response before posting, because I felt it would not help the situation.

[Mizpah]

While I agree that there isn't the constant activity of the other board, I feel that this board in general is much more civilized. Yes, we have our occasional hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but it is not even close to the  tone the old board could take at times.

 

I will *never* forget the RabidBadgerWid v. LiveWire blowout.  It was INSANE.  High drama.  One for the ages.  (It also made me leave the board, bc I had so little capacity back in the early days for stuff like that.  So, yeah, civilized is good!)

[Guest oneoftwo]

There was certainly some unnecessary drama on the old YWBB!

As far as this board- 2 things spring to mind-

 

-Maybe folks cant find it? on my search of "young widdow" (which I think is what originally got me here), this page shows up below the top 10 - so maybe it's unlikely to be found?

 

-Sometimes threads get overrun by the same posters, and it seems like you're 'interrupting' on ongoing conversation, rather than adding something

 

[CJF]

I know i don't post as often, and there have been many times I have deleted a response before posting, because I felt it would not help the situation.

 

This is me.  I read almost everyday, but seldom post anymore for this exact reason. 

[Trying]

I agree with Hachi that this board is much more civil than ywbb could get.  It does make me sad that it's quiet because you have all been my life line and I don't believe it's quiet because there are less of us becoming young widows.

 

Maybe search engine stuff?  Not my area of expertise at all.

[Lewis]

I am currently working on search engine ranking. I think that will be our best form of advertising. That said, we are getting a good amount of traffic. It appears that many people choose to read rather than post.

[sojourner]

As a Christian female with many conservative social views, I have seen my faith and/or views bashed on this forum. It does have the result of putting a chill on me feeling free to talk here. I have never bashed the views of those of other faiths, or lack of any faith. I have seen people of various faiths discuss topics from their faith perspectives freely, but Christianity and/or those holding conservative views have been called out by name and at times damned. I don't engage folks about that here, tho; I do truly wish them peace. If I were socially liberal and non-Christian, or there were more tolerance for my perspectives, I would definitely feel this was a safer place to talk.

 

That's all I have to say on that topic, and I will not get pulled into a debate about my observations.

 

Peace to you, TooSoon, and to all.

Sojourner

[Guest oneoftwo]

TooSoon

I've followed and been active on this board and its predecessor

All I can say is "I'm sorry but really?"

this tirade is why people dont post

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Cool.  I'm out.  Best of luck to you all. 

[hachi]

And there it is. I knew YWBB would surface. Too bad. This what i remember. I am taking my ball and going home.

 

I have watched alot of this, and given a wide berth. I know that everyone comes from a different place of experience and try to understand where they are coming from. There have been plenty of times I have reacted extremely to things posted, but this time, the OP was asking why this board is quieter.  And this is why. No one sets out to deliberately offend anyone, at least, I don't perceive it that way.

 

Maybe I am just stupid. But the ideas floated here seemed to me to be genuine. Not an attack on anyone else, but an answer to the question in the perspective of the poster.  Not gospel, just an opinion.  (Oops, used the word gospel, does that make me a right wing christian looking for validation?)

[Mrskro]

Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

 

I'm not a mod but really?  It's 2017 and even the legal definition of spouse has changed, at least here in Canada.  A widow married for a year has a completely different experience from a widower of 10 years has a different experience from a widow who has 3 kids and had been living common law with her spouse for 15 years before he passed but never married in a church has a different experience from a childless widower.    A piece of paper doesn't define a person or their experience. 

 

I don't feel that being a widow or a widower is a shared experience.  Everyone's path through this mixed up horrible journey is different.  Coloured by our own experiences leading up to it, coloured by the people within our lives and by our paths moving towards.    Some have in-laws that are great.  Some suck and are horrible.  Some lose friends and others have friends that stick by them.  Some have kids and some don't. Some would like to remarry and some don't.  Some find comfort in God and some like me, (I was raised very religious.  Still believe but) do not find any comfort in God. 

 

I know, for in my case life tends to get busy in the summer.    I've been lurking and not posting.  But this board and its predecessor have been a life line for me. 

[Bunny]

I understand why toosoon wrote what she did. It is sad and frustrating to keep watching portside push people off this site by playing the role of morality police. It's just not necessary on a site like this and it's upsetting to see how completely tone-deaf he can be to people who are in serious need of some real help.

 

And I get that some conservatives and Christians may feel uncomfortable here, because this place is exceedingly all-inclusive. But that is the nature of joining a public place that does not claim one exclusive religion, country, political party, etc. We must ALL practice accepting that others do not live by our rules/morals/thoughts and we cannot expect them to. Live and let live, if you will.

 

This means a Jewish lesbian posts right next to a straight atheist widower, and a newly married Christian wid, next to a Muslim who was married 30 years, and a father of six next to a widow whose children are of the furry kind. To me, this is a very beautiful thing, but I do get that it's not everyone's cup of tea and can require some serious stepping out of one's comfort zone. I'd like to think if people stick around long enough they'll start to notice the similarities in our stories and stop fixating on the differences.

 

I know (because it's come up more than once) that some people are irritated this is not a site strictly for people who were legally married. But I have a hard time accepting the bride whose spouse died on their honeymoon is much more deserving of being here than the couple who lived together for 10 years without a legal contract. Many years ago I knew a man who watched his girlfriend of a mere six month die of an asthma attack- her first one- right in front of him. It messed him up for years. I bet he could have used a site like this. And why not have the compassion to let him? What does it take away from all of us to extend that kindness to a fellow human being?

 

There are others who are upset/angry at any talk of dating or re-marriage. They are absolutely pissed that we allow such things to be discussed on a widowed board. I admit I was repulsed and judgmental about these things my first year of widowhood. But I didn't tell those people in the social section how disgusting I thought they were, I kept it to myself because I knew It Was My Problem!!! And I eventually got over it. Completely.

 

We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha!

 

 

 

[sojourner]

[quote

We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha!

 

Dang it, Diet Coke burns when something like this ends up with it snorted up the nose combined with a spit-take! Stop it! Dang! Ha!

 

[serpico]

And I get that some conservatives and Christians may feel uncomfortable here, because this place is exceedingly all-inclusive.

 

The reason why such persons don't feel comfortable isn't because this place is all-inclusive, it's because of things like this...

 

I will not detail the many times a poster added a post with religious content and then being taken to task for it.

 

At times, that feeling of Christian content not being valued was so pervasive here that some OPs would sometimes post a message in the title such as “Warning – Christian content” or some such.

 

It’s not overt – rather, it feels like a low key sneering towards those that are Christ centered.

 

As a Christian female with many conservative social views, I have seen my faith and/or views bashed on this forum.

 

I have seen people of various faiths discuss topics from their faith perspectives freely, but Christianity and/or those holding conservative views have been called out by name and at times damned.