Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge

[Trying]

*Long rant*

 

We are days away from our wedding and she is ramping up her craziness and refusal to coparent.  I'm sure our wedding is agrivating the situation.  Monday he went to court because she has been refusing him access to the boys during the week (except when she doesn't want to take them to soccer practice).  It was a waste of time, the social worker took their information and said come back in a month and nothing was done to make her return to the previous schedule (they have never folllwed the initial vague custody agreement when the boys were toddlers).

 

Last night she refused to cooperate on the boys soccer.  He offered to drive the first one and stay at practice, have her come to the field to swap them, he would then stay for the second one and drive him back to her house.  Very little effort on her part, 3 hours on his.  This wasn't good enough.  Tuesday night should be our overnight and she wouldn't even have to be involved but it's more complicated because she won't let them stay with us. She then has the 8 year old call him and say "Daddy why won't you take me to practice?" while she is coaching him what to say in the background.  He tries to explain that it was his mom's decision without saying anything negative about her.  He then texts her how dare she do that to their son, that she is evil, and she replies that she is letting her son read the text.

 

Fiancé was beside himself last night, he does not want his kids used as weapons, he does not want her telling them he doesn't want to be with them, he doesn't know how to explain to a 6 and 8 year old that he is fighting for more time and their bitch of a mother is preventing it.  He is not going to tell these little boys negative and hurtful things about their mom.  He is worried she is going to involve the kids in the custody hearing and make them be interviewed and traumatize them.  They should be no part of it.  The only thing negative she said about him at the hearing is "he's an alcoholic". This is her go to comment. She also used to say he was gay but I guess that doesn't hold anymore because of me.  He has never had a DUI, never had any legal issue related to alcohol, doesn't sit in bars, never been drunk in front of his kids, and is not an alcoholic. 

 

Last night I broke my rule about staying out of it and with his permission sent her a very long, very civil email, from mother to mother.  I spoke about the father he is, the step Dad he has become to my youngest and how lucky her children are to have a father who is ALIVE, involved, loving and who not only provides financially for them but wants to provide all of the guidance and support a Dad can give.  I also let her know that as a mother I can not imagine using my kids as a weapon and that while she thinks now she will brainwash them against their Dad she is only hurting them and they will grow to resent her for her lies and for keeping them from having more time with an amazing Dad.

 

I don't expect this to help, it may make things worse but I felt like if I didn't get my thoughts out calmly in an email I was eventually going to explode on the side of the soccer field and not be so civil about it.

 

We are both so worried she is going to pull something and keep them from coming to our wedding this weekend even though it was promised in court she wouldn't interfere. We even planned our wedding for "his weekend" but I don't trust her. 

 

All of this stress on top of wedding stress has had me having panic attacks again.  I would give anything for my kids to have their Dad still in their lives so this mean, spiteful behavior really triggers me.

[Mizpah]

It's too late, but my only advice, as someone who is in a relationship with someone who has a kid with a very malicious, manipulative ex who does the same to their child: don't get involved.  I made the mistake of doing this once, years ago, in response to something she said - and she completely flipped out.  It made things much worse, and what I said was FAR more mild than what you said.  It is entirely possible that she will attempt to use anything you said against you and NG.  NG's ex over here flipped out so crazily that it's the last time I've spoken to or acknowledged her, and she's not permitted in our home, or even really to linger in any way on the property during pickup and dropoff - she used to come in for pickup and dropoff and chat a tad.  I've actually threatened to involve law enforcement (and will if I need to), that's how bad she is.  So, if she's anything like my NG's ex, brace yourself.  It can get much, much worse - believe me.  (The day we came home from the hospital with our baby, NG's ex showed up, screaming about various things....  And that's not even close to the worst of it.)  When someone is crazy or into drama and manipulation, any involvement or contribution is only fuel to their fire, that's what I've learned.  Removing myself from the situation as much as possible has contained things far more than involvement would have.  There are of course little flare-ups for me, when NG and she have issues, and it's nothing I'd ever choose into my life, but like I said, it's far less than it would be if I were directly engaged with her.  Try not to let her put a shadow over your weekend.  That's probably exactly what she wants.  Focus on the love you share, the values and principles you embrace, the children - reject her and all she stands for from your mind as much as you can.  She won't always be in your life like this.  Don't give her too much emotional power.  She's truly not worth it.  She's to be withstood only - try not to get entangled and give her attention.  Good luck.  I hope she doesn't respond or that her response isn't nuts and upsetting.  And I'm excited for you for your wedding! 

[sojourner]

Trying, I'm so sorry for this whole situation! Hopes and prayers for peace to prevail, but given the track she seems to be on, probably best to add/substitute ones for strength and endurance for all (well, except her!). :-\

 

I agree with you and Mizpah that your upcoming wedding is involved with her ramping up the crazy. Hang in there. Maybe try to focus your energy on the joy of your love and upcoming marriage, if you can. Don't surrender your joy to anyone!

[Trying]

Mizpah and sojourner thank you both. This is the first and only time I have engaged with her and I do realize it was probably a big mistake.  He was so upset last night and the frustration of nothing happening yet with the custody issue just came to a boil.  It is interfering with our wedding, it's taking up all of his time and attention and leaving me to fend for myself on all of the last minute details without having him to even talk to about it.  It's hard to be excited right now and I know she is getting exactly what she wants.

 

I am going to try my best to focus on our love and our future and the joy of the wedding.  I hope he is able to do the same.

[Mizpah]

It is interfering with our wedding, it's taking up all of his time and attention and leaving me to fend for myself on all of the last minute details without having him to even talk to about it. 

 

Maybe it's time for you two to have a little family meeting (just the two of you), and huddle for a few minutes, look at what's going on, recognize what he needs to do legally this week, recognize what still remains to be done for the wedding, envision a worst case scenario, decide how to handle it if it comes to be, accept that it could come to be, remind yourselves that it's all going to be ok even if she never is, and come up with a plan for the rest of the week (realizing plans can get messed up, but preparing as much as you can for it as you wish it to be, and according to what could happen), so this is not ruined for you.  Demand some control, from yourself, from you two as a couple, to the extent possible - realize to what extent you can determine things, and take control of those parts.  I say call a couple's huddle.  Take just a few minutes to re-focus.  And now I'll stop advising and sermonizing!  Hugs and love

[Forgottenwife]

First let me say - congratulations! Enjoy your wedding and your new marriage. I'm happy you get another chance at love. And then Ugh - so sorry this is happening!

 

I lived through this as a child and it was awful. It was horrible to live with a mom that was angry at my dad all the time. There was always fighting and conflict. Sadly, I didn't get to see my dad get remarried to his now wife of more than 30 years, there was just constant drama. My father, to this day, is an amazing dad.

 

On the personal side in your particular situation, I feel bad for all of you. What a bunch of crap to try and deal with another adult that pulls this kind of sick stuff on her own children. Their mom sounds awful and manipulative and truly mean, I just don't understand how anyone could consciously harm their kids like this. You are correct, she is hurting her children. Unfortunately for you, you can't control her, people like this won't see reason. I understand that it is triggering and causes stress. Are there things you can do for yourself to help minimize the stress and the panic attacks? This sounds simplistic, but recognizing she is crazy and may always be horrible might be all you can do. That may never change, I've watched this dynamic for 40 years.

 

I like Mizpah's idea of imagine the worst case scenario for the wedding and legal issues to come and then be ready to handle just that, but still hope for the best. You've got this, you can do it. Your wedding is going to be beautiful and wonderful and there are just some things we simply have no control over.

 

And then - I love weddings! There was a brief time after being widowed that I just couldn't bring myself to go but now I truly enjoy going and celebrating love and marriage. It is literally like a breath of fresh air in my life. I enjoy seeing how each couple/family makes the ceremony and celebration unique. Vows, music, kids involved, toasts or not - love is in the air! Try to relax and enjoy, just so happy for you. Your new husband to be sounds like a great catch.

[MR]

Congrats....

[fairlanegirl]

Thankfully I have not had to deal with this but it sounds like you sending an email could not really make it any worse! It may be their business but you are having to put up with all this nonsense, so I think you're entitled to say your piece.  You seem to have been very reasonable.

 

Again, it always makes me wonder, these folks can't have always been 'crazy' can they, or were big red flags ignored early on before they had children? Humans and the dynamics of relationships are complex, eh.

[Bunny]

Ah, weddings can sure bring it out in people, can't it? I totally understand your need to write and send that letter. You needed to have your say to at least try to relieve some of that pent up frustration. I would have done it too most likely.

 

But truly, for your future marriage, you're going to need to figure out some coping methods because there truly is no current end to this. My husband 's best friend has an ex-wife like this. His daughter finally just turned 18. I don't know about the court system where you are but they arranged to sit with a mediator every time she had a problem and lucky for him they had good bullshit detectors. Unfortunately, vindictive exes can also be super expensive. This is your life right now. This is the way it is. Fighting against crazy will only result in making you crazy because she is incapable of being reasoned with. I recommend trying to find pity in your heart for her only because I don't want you eaten up with the anger and despair. If need be, please seek a councelor for some healthy and effective coping methods. As for the kids- children usually figure things out on their own through observation. And the older they get, the more autonomy they have. Really, it's just a waiting game. I'm sure it feels like forever but it's not.

 

Please don't let her ruin your day even if the worst happens. Because you and I have already been through worse than anything she can dish out, right? A shitty ex is child's play compared to burying a spouse. Please don't give her the power to steal your joy. I honestly don't know how to accomplish this but please try.

 

In a bizarre small world after all twist of fate, the best friend's ex is now dating one of bf's close friends. We saw them out and shared a drink and she is pretty much the same. No emotional or spiritual growth whatsoever from the last time I saw her over a decade ago.

[klim]

No advice but just going to say I probably  would have written a similar email......I always think there is a chance that reason and logic based on loving and caring may prevail........

 

Although according to some people with experience here maybe I'm delusional.

 

Breathe deep , feel the new love and life that is awaiting you and enjoy your wedding day. No matter how it turns out it's still  signals the  new beginning of your life together.

[beth_krkswidow]

So sorry for what you are having to deal with.

 

Enjoy your special day and know how blessed you are.

 

Big big hugs.

[Trying]

You guys are all so awesome to be my sounding board now and the million times before this.  She continues to make things worse today and I am afraid he is ready to blow.  He is not capable of talking about the wedding let alone helping at this point so the few small things he was supposed to take care of just won't be taken care of.  I'm ok with that.  He told me tonight that if she manages to block him getting them tomorrow so we can head out of town for the weddding, the wedding is off.  She promised in court she wouldn't interfere but there is nothing in writing.  She currently is not answering texts, emails or phone calls and if she won't send them to school with a note tomorrow that he is picking them up then I don't know what will happen.  While I understand that he doesn't want to have the wedding without them I'm not sure how I will handle that.  For now I just said "of course we have to have them at the wedding" and I'm giving him space to be angry with her.

 

Send any positive thoughts and prayers you can spare our way.

[fairlanegirl]

No matter how it turns out it's still  signals the  new beginning of your life together.

Yes, yes and yes.

[Julester3]

Oh my gosh some people just can't be civil or simply humane. So sorry you have this to deal with right before your wedding! Hugs and positive vibes that it goes well with no crazy ex antics.

 

[sojourner]

....  While I understand that he doesn't want to have the wedding without them I'm not sure how I will handle that.  For now I just said "of course we have to have them at the wedding" and I'm giving him space to be angry with her.

 

Send any positive thoughts and prayers you can spare our way.

 

Attempting the quote function- hope it goes right.

 

Regardless, you're dealing with the whole sorry deal with much grace, Trying. Prayers and hopes your wedding goes on as planned! His children should be present, yet... so not not right all the way around if the wedding plans are interrupted.

 

Now, I tend develop plans B, C, ad infinitum if plan A falls thru (limited success- DH still died no matter the plan , so.... yeah. Disclaimer.) Sorry, it's still what I do!  :  So, just a thought, if things, God forbid, derail, or if I overstep... still, in my mind's eye I picture a nice, apparently low-key get-together with family & close friends... with only the very nearest and dearest in the know, and if possible on short notice, with a "surprise" wedding then held. I have no idea if that's even possible for you, and it's not ideal, but I'm thinking in terms of derailing the crazy aspect the ex wants to bring to the party. Creative solutions are at times required.

 

Feeling for you, and hopes and prayers for the best!!

[Mizpah]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.  Hoping and hoping and hoping with all fingers crossed that everything goes well.  Thinking of you.  Keep us updated.  xoxoxoxoxoxo

[tybec]

I am following!  YOU ARE AMAZING!  Remember that!  Like others said, you have been through worse.  YOU can get through this.

 

I used to do this mandatory divorcing parents workshop.  I shared the information, and I worked with kids in therapy.  But, like our situation, I didn't get it.  I heard stories, but....  And now I am dating a divorced guy trying to get shared parenting with a controlling, intelligent educator in her hometown, her birth place, her territory.

 

I, too, see the crazy behaviors that are not about the best interest of the children.  Just this week, NG went to watch one son practice swimming, but he had talked with the younger son the night before about going to play on the playground outside some while brother practiced.  Mother heard this, of course, and despite the son smiling and saying he couldn't wait, she didn't bring this son to the practice, then.  Never told his father where he was, but he wasn't with his father for an hour of fun time.  YEAH, a teacher turned administrator who claims she is an expert in children pulling this stuff.

 

So, I hear your story and it is on a whole new level.  I remember saying in the workshop that every major change will likely bring out some bad behaviors, and marrying again is a BIG ONE.  Now  I get it.  I think NG's ex is responding to me moving here a bit, too.

 

I am praying, sending warm vibes for a beautiful day to signify your new life and commitment to each other. 

 

[glow=red,2,300]YOU are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.[/glow]

[Forgottenwife]

He told me tonight that if she manages to block him getting them tomorrow so we can head out of town for the weddding, the wedding is off.  She promised in court she wouldn't interfere but there is nothing in writing.  She currently is not answering texts, emails or phone calls and if she won't send them to school with a note tomorrow that he is picking them up then I don't know what will happen.  While I understand that he doesn't want to have the wedding without them I'm not sure how I will handle that.  For now I just said "of course we have to have them at the wedding" and I'm giving him space to be angry with her.

 

Oh, this is awful. I don't even really know what to say - sending positive thoughts that all goes well and you have the kids safely with you soon. I honestly don't know how I would handle this either. 

[trying2breathe]

Hope for the best and prepare for whatever might happen ...... sending good wishes and big hugs, best to you on your wedding day. 

[Captains wife]

Wow - just wow. Reading this just infuriates me for you and NG's sake + the children that are being hurt by this. The lead up to your wedding (especially given everything you and your family has been through) should be joyous. I hope your lovely wedding goes ahead as planned!!! 

 

Agreed he needs to figure out from a legal perspective what he can do and talk to you more calmly about it. Why isn't there a court driven custody agreement in place, then she couldn't do this ? I have had similar (but less severe) issues with my NG's crazy ex and they just finalized a court visitation schedule which they must stick to. Now all that withholding their son (which she was doing before) is not possible under the law. 

 

I also hope that NG does the right thing here - you don't need this and you should be more isolated from all the drama. This is his baggage, not yours and he needs to deal with it appropriately and keep you (and your kids) sheltered from it. I would agree to keep away from her and keep out of it. (I wont go anywhere near my NG's crazy ex - and in fact, I asked him not even to talk about her unless it was very important. I don't need this toxicity and drama in my life - and neither do you).

 

Again, I'm so so sorry about all of this - it is miraculous that we find another person to love after losing our spouses and this should not be happening!

 

I talked to my grief therapist about the issues I was having (crazy ex using child, upsetting the father and the interference in our relationship) and her advice was to "block it out" (easier said than done I know) and try and focus on the positives. And to distance myself from it.

[arneal]

Trying -- congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

 

As far as the ex is concerned, you have certainly taken the higher road. But as others have suggested, you and your husband to be cannot dictate how anyone else will act or react. She is feeling some type of way about him moving on; I suspect she is without a partner? I only jumped there because of what I dealt with in my early (and even later) years with my LH's ex. They had been separated from the time their daughter was about 3 or 4; I met him when she was about 13 or 14. The ex started lots of the same shenanigans about when daughter could come over, didn't want her around me, etc etc. He put the squash on that, reminding her that

1) he didn't meddle in who she was dating unless it directly affected his daughter (mind you, while they were still considered married, before the separation, she got pregnant and had a baby by another man. While in hospital they had to call LH to ask if the baby could have his last name since she was legally married, the father of the child was nowhere to be found -- and never paid a lick of support and she never went after him -- and because she was still legally married the baby couldn't have her maiden name) and

2) who he was with was none of her concern.

She would take him to court about support, even after we were married and he had been retired due to his medical condition. She actually stood up in court one day to say she didn't believe he was that sick. The arbitrator told her off. Mind you, I had taken the stance you did: try to be civil. With LH's permission, I communicated with the child support representative; she would call or write to me instead of him because I was a step removed from the situation and she had discovered how dysfunctional the ex was. I didn't invite conversation with the ex but I never kept her from coming to the house -- I wanted her to see me and to know that I was Mom and Wife in my house, even when her daughter was there. After I bought a house and we moved, she ramped up again. However, the house was solely my property and we were not married yet, so she had nothing to say. When their divorce was finalized, I had a ring on my finger in about a week (we had been together for about four years by then). She flipped out. She finally realized that nothing she did -- and trust me when I say she tried everything, from the going to court to actually trying to flirt with him -- was going to change what we had or the lack that she had. She used to say all sorts of negative things about him to their daughter, who at about 32 years old now is still scarred. After LH died, the ex would get on the phone when the daughter called me to tell me she was there for me if I ever wanted to talk and that she loved me 

 

Moral of the story is, stand your ground. As some have said here, sit down and create a plan with your beloved so you both are on the same page to deal with what she's doing now and what she will do. Chances are he won't be able to stop her from saying horrid things to the children about the both of you. When he does get time with them, he will need to spend it, telling them how much you both love them and SHOWING them that what they are hearing from Mom is complete hogwash. Actions speak louder, even for little people. It takes time but most kids want to understand for themselves. My NG's oldest daughter is estranged from him because he was never given the chance to speak that love into her life. However, his youngest stepped out from the madness their mom created and wanted to know him for herself and they share a place now. She tells her older sister, when she sees her, what is really going on. His youngest has told him that her sister is f*'ed up in the head and doesn't want to hear the truth; even she has started staying away from her. Unfortunately that happens as well and you need to be ready for it. Together, you and your beloved can build a life that all your children will want to be part of.

 

Have a beautiful wedding, which of course won't be the same if his children can't come. If that happens, film it. Show them when they do come round. Be the lovely person you are. Keep being that with and in front of all the children. Love your husband. It may be tough for many years or it may peter out like a storm. No matter which, weather it. Together.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[Trying]

We have his boys!  We leave for the wedding first thing tomorrow morning.  Thank you all so much for your support and listening to me freak out.

[klim]

sweet!.....SIGH!NOW ENJOY!!

 

[arneal]

Yay! So happy for you all!!!!!!!

[sojourner]

Whoo hooo!!  ;D  Wonderful! Congratulations and enjoy your wedding!!!