money issues with recoupling

[klim]

I am financially sound , not rich but doing well. My NG has a business which allows him a good lifestyle. So we travel and generally enjoy life because we can. So my money struggles are not with lack of funds and I am thankful for that.

 

I struggle with the idea of sharing what I have built up. When I was young and met my husband we immediately went into the "our money" mode, even for the long period of time when i worked part time and made much less we were equals in what and how much to spend. I was not given an allowance or any such thing, we were a team with a household income.I know alot of people have had separate accounts where one  part of the couple pays for the rent , the other the groceries etc but I have never lived this way.

 

Now I want to keep everything separate. For one thing I feel like half of my wealth belonged to my LH and therfore NG has no right to it. My sons should have it and not just in a will but now.  I get so confused and sometimes I think this, along with my overthinking of everything, stops me from moving forward.

 

Any thoughts or experiences that might help me process this?

 

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I feel very much the same way and attribute some of that to my age. When I married in my very early 30s money was not an issue. Now, in my early 50s, through careful planning and hard work, I am able to support myself. I feel those are my resources and my security. It's hard to imagine ever marrying (it's all just too complicated) but if I was ever to live with someone we'd have to have some serious financial conversations.

[Mizpah]

Are you looking to marry?  If not, this doesn't seem like an issue.  Makes total sense to me that you'd want to protect and provide for your children.  Have you and NG discussed?  Talk about it. 

[Portside]

 

Any thoughts or experiences that might help me process this?

 

Not really other than whatever you and your NG choose, you both should be very comfortable with it.

 

My now wife and me were in pretty much the same financial situation that you describe. We were both in our mid 50s when we married. However, we combined everything right away. It truly is "our" money with a few exceptions: I own a family farm that I rent out and my wife owns a long-standing family business. We structured our finances in such a way that when one of us die, the farm and the business remain within the original families.

 

But for everything else, we put it all together in one pot.

 

Like I mentioned, just do what you feel is right. It's different for every couple.

 

Good luck - Mike

[daysofelijah]

We are getting married in May. We aren't going to combine everything financially for at least the first year or so. NG is either short-sale or letting his house go, so I don't want my name put to that. I had a bankruptcy right before DH died that will soon be "falling off" my credit. So neither one of us have great credit. He has a lot more debt than I do.

 

I do have my house mostly paid off with dh's life insurance, so I would like that to stay with me and the kids. But NG will be moving in here soon and it will be his home too, so I'm not really sure how to handle that. I will have to get a will drawn up and get that all settled. It is definitely a different stage now for sure, then when I was young and single with no kids the first time I got married.

[serpico]

For one thing I feel like half of my wealth belonged to my LH and therefore NG has no right to it. My sons should have it and not just in a will but now.

 

My only thought is whether your sons are old enough and responsible enough to handle that money now?

[klim]

To answer a few questions raised

My sons are 20 and 22.  I wouldn't hand them a lump sum, I was thinking more like when they are ready, give them money towards the downpayment for a house instead of them renting or something like that.

 

Also there is no iminent cohabiting or marriage, the money is just something I think about.

[Trying]

Money was an issue for me and my current husband, not a major issue but one that required discussion.  I came into the relationship with more than him.  After his divorce he owned no property and had no significant savings.  A steady job, good benefits and a pension were what he brought to the table.  I brought a fully paid for house, a car, a boat and some savings.

 

My late husband set up part of his life insurance in trust for our boys so that money is protected.

 

Before we married we did a prenup. that basically says we each leave with what we came with in the event of divorce and divide equally anything we save or acquire after marrying.  The house will remain in my name.  We opened a joint account and everything we make goes into that account and pays our bills. I still have a separate account from before that I use for additional household expenses like renovations or unexpected major upkeep/repairs.  I no longer have to pay for medical insurance for myself and my 3 sons because we are covered on his insurance so this is a huge savings for me.

 

I also rewrote my will.  Current husband will get the house and custody of my my youngest as well as my IRA if I die.

 

The conversations were uncomfortable to have, current Husband was very understanding but definitely did not like having to think about all of it.  Once all of the paperwork was done we put it behind us and just live our life. 

[tybec]

Some discussion with NG.  He knows I have some money, not rich but I can work pt time right now.  I rented my home out when it didn’t sell and bought a newer home and owe little on it.  My mother passed in November so I own a 4th of a farm we are selling. 

 

He has no debt but pays out for attorney fees for custody fights and admits he is A Disney dad.  He gets military retirement at age 60 as he waited so his ex has no ties to it.  He is frugal and we pay a lot Dutch out.  He used to pay for me often but has backed off. ???

 

DH and I had nothing so it all was ours equally with one checking account the entire marriage.  Little debt.

 

I have talked some to NG but not extensively.  I have researched about laws here regarding child support.  I want his ex to have no access to my finances.  Marriage delay then.  It’s a lot to put together.  I have a nest egg due to DHs planning, literally 2 months before his car accident.  He was just declared cancer free ten yrs and changed his options at work for life insurance.

 

Not figured out.  My brother, a widower and very strict fundamentalist Christian, married quickly, put everything together as he interpreted according to his beliefs and hers.  She left in 8 months and the mess of undoing the legal financial things took months.  They didn’t talk about the money.  🙄

[Julester3]

There is also the option of a prenup to determine what is split and what stays yours if you choose to get married. I set up my estate to my kids entirely with certain people named for executor of estate and guardianship of my youngest. If I were to get married now but not update my estate, the guy gets nothing of what I have entailed on my estate. The only things we'd potentially have on the table would be if we open any new accounts together after we are married, if we buy anything big like property or a house. Sounds cut throat but I too believe it's more or less the kids' money than actually mine.

[Sugarbell]

This is the main reason I’m not marrying till my kids are gone.

 

But I see nothing wrong with keeping things separate after marriage in your situation. I think whatever works for each couple is the right thing. But I’m not a traditionalist..more practical (I guess comes from years of doing this with kids on my own)

[twin_mom]

There is also the option of a prenup to determine what is split and what stays yours if you choose to get married. <snip>

Sounds cut throat but I too believe it's more or less the kids' money than actually mine.

 

I had a prenup the first time. He came into the marriage established, I had student loan and mortgage debt, but the joke was if we divorced after 10 years and he was retired there was no way I was paying him alimony. 😁

 

My NG is very adamant that I set everything up in trust for my kids - that my and DH's money is rightfully theirs. I will probably change the house over to go to him, but everything else will go into trust for my children. I feel that if a new partner is upset by that, they're probably not the right guy for me - so I guess that makes me extremely cut- throat.

[Trying]

I don't think it's cut throat.  I do use some of the money that I came into this marriage with for enhancements to our family life like home improvements or upgrading a vacation which benefits all of us.  If we get divorced he doesn't deserve those benefits any more.  If I die, I want him to keep the house and cars and not have to uproot his whole life while grieving.  My kids have their portion protected, they get a small amount from 25-45 and whatever is left at 45. They know nothing about this money, though I did tell my second oldest before I got married that his dad protected some "inheritance" in the event I remarried.  In the meantime that money helps pay for college and I could access it if I wanted to help them pay for a wedding or something(hopefully a long way off).

 

Finances is one of the top reasons people divorce so I think it's important to talk about it and get on the same page early in the commitment phase no matter how uncomfortable it is.  Better to find out before marriage if you can't agree on this.

[faye]

Late husband made about twice what I did.  Not a lot of money, anyway.  Had he not died so soon after being diagnosed, we'd probably have gone through it all. Had he not become ill, owing to his alcoholism he might have spent it all over the next few years. 

 

But he died, so his retirement savings became mine.  Current guy lost his home to foreclosure, and lost his savings trying to maintain it.  My home is paid for. Current Guy makes much less than I do.

 

In checking around, I discovered that while spouses aren't be responsible for credit card and other ordinary debts, medical debts are a different story, at least where I live.  Spouses CAN be found responsible for those, and I don't live in a community property state, either.  I'm reluctant to get married as things stand now, although Current Guy would love to.

[arneal]

I joke when I go into stores and they ask if I want to apply for credit -- I tell them that the machine would laugh out loud if they put my social security number in there because there is no credit score lower than mine unless it's got negative numbers LOL! My LH was a musician as his main job before he got sick; he had worked several quite good jobs before that and was able to get a decent disability social security check each month. After he got sick to the point he couldn't work at all, I was the primary breadwinner and the only one who worked outside the home eventually. In 2013, my full time job went away and I became a part time consultant and instructor online and took care of him. After he died, I was able to increase my capacity and just this last month became a full time employee again. It took 5 years. In the meantime, my credit, which has never been good, went totally in the crapper. However, I have a home and a car so I don't worry about it all too much. I don't have credit cards so there's that.

 

BF also doesn't have great credit. He lives with me now, having moved in last month. He gives me cash toward all the bills. I'm good with that. My son has special needs but is the only person on my insurance policies so would get those should anything happen to me. The house? Well, that's another matter. I wouldn't care if BF got it. I'd be dead anyway. My son does not have the capacity to care for a home. Sure, its sale could go to his caregiver, but she gets paid from his social security (he gets from his dad, the first husband, who died when my son was very young) so I wouldn't be too concerned about that part.

 

BF and I certainly haven't talked about marriage in the sense of us walking down an aisle. We are both on the same page about it and if it were to happen, yeah great. If not, so what. I haven't made a will because in my eye I am not worth much financially. I have thought about it but it hasn't been a priority. Maybe because after two marriages and being widowed twice, with neither husband having much (first husband didn't have insurance so I had to sell my car and make payments to the funeral home to bury him; I had gotten insurance for LH the year before he died, he was very sick so I couldn't get much but it was enough to have him cremated), I haven't given it a lot of time.

[klim]

Insurance is another whole topic in my head.

 

I have always said insurance companies get rich off of fear. They play the odds and the odds are in their favour. You fear what ever ......car being totalled... house burning down....dying young....and the odds are it won't happen. But we know it can. So I have never liked the idea of paying insurance to calm my fears.

 

So......no life insurance . Had mortgage insurance for 6 months because of some free promotion and then I cancelled it. That was 2 months before Dh died......so would have had the mortgage paid for. So insurance has not been helpful....but I stand behind my decision. Insurance companies get rich because we pay them and most never make a claim. I just would have been the exception.

[Portside]

You fear what ever ......car being totalled... house burning down....dying young....and the odds are it won't happen.

 

Insurance companies get rich because we pay them and most never make a claim. I just would have been the exception.

 

That's an interesting viewpoint. I choose to look at it as paying someone else to assume the lion's share of my risk of a catastrophic loss. True, it is unlikely, but if it occurs, there is a very real chance of you being wiped out financially. As many here will attest.

 

To add a financial catastrophe to the a personal one due to the death of a spouse was not a risk I was willing to take.

 

Interesting fact: Insurance companies almost always are owned by the policy owners (that's us!) and return a profit of around 1 1/2 to 2 %. Similar to that of grocery or retail stores. 

 

To each their own.

 

Best wishes, Mike

 

[klim]

"get rich "was just a saying, didn't mean to imply it was great big business opportunity but it's how they make their money.

[Leadfeather]

I agree with Portside. When we first got married my late wife insisted we have life insurance for both of us. We got insurance that covered us until our youngest son turned 18. She died 3 months before his 18th birthday. That money, which I only have because she was wiser than I am, has allowed me to pay off the house, fund my sons collage educations, and focus on healing without having to worry about how the bills would be paid. Most of my close friends are younger than I am with young children and I have repeatedly told them how important it is for both parents to have coverage when your children are young.

 

As an aside. Vivaldi's Four Seasons by a string quartet was the song she chose for our wedding. While I was in the bank cashing the insurance check and paying off my home and car loans, Four Seasons started playing over the bank speakers. It was as if she was saying "See I will always take care of you. I love you. Goodbye." The poor bank employee had to deal with me breaking down and crying for a while before we could proceed.

[trying2breathe]

Agree with Portside too.  Although I don't like keeping up with insurance premiums and realize the slim chance of catastrophic loss, it's peace of mind knowing that should something terrible happen, financially it will be okay. 

 

My LH used to say to me that he was worth more dead than alive.  I nervously laughed the last time he said this, not knowing that his life insurance policy would soon be a benefit to me and the kids.  I also would strongly encourage those with children or dependents to consider life insurance.  In Mike's words - To each their own .....

[arneal]

If the first husband had had insurance, I wouldn't have had to make payments on his funeral ... LH had it and then we stopped paying the premium; several years later he got very sick and I didn't want to be back in the same boat again so took out a policy. Little did we know that a pinch less than a year later I'd need it. Wasn't even enough to cover the cost of the small hole they dug for his urn by his parents' graves. No headstone or anything for him or his dad. I would have liked to have done that ...

[klim]

Of course there will be a strong support of insurance here. We if we chose it, are the benefactors of this insurance. You are paying for piece of mind.

 

But odds are most people will be looking at this scenario

"At the end of your term, coverage will end and your payments to the insurance company are complete. If you outlive your term life insurance policy, the funds are forfeit. The premiums from individuals who don’t die while their policies are in force ultimately support the generous payouts that insurance companies can pay to those who do."

 

It's a gamble...a gamble I lost.

[serpico]

The attractive thing about life insurance is that it is very cheap when purchased at a young age by healthy people. I'm talking about term insurance, not whole life, which I've always been leery of.

 

But there are some policies that offer 'return of premium' at the end. Of course, they are more expensive and you are essentially lending interest-free money to the insurance company, but your premiums aren't forfeited with such plans.

 

My first wife and I looked at buying life insurance as making a (small) financial sacrifice to provide for the other in case one of us died young. We locked in our rate for 20 or 25 years and likely wouldn't have re-upped once the policy matured.

 

Collecting the life insurance caused me some guilt in the early stages but it's definitely something I'm glad we did.

[Wheelerswife]

I've watched this thread and decided I would put my $0.02 in on the subject.  My second husband and I brought different financial resources to our marriage.  We were both widowed and had no kids.  I realize that kids add some different factors into the mix.

 

My husband and I decided to combine resources, although he insisted that I keep my own savings.  As far as he was concerned, what was mine was mine and what was his was mine, too!  (Gee, can I find this again?)  I did invest much of my savings in "his" house, but he put my name on the deed.  We both had life insurance.

 

Well, folks, then he died.  Fortunately, I was left in a position where I could take the time to deal with serious medical issues and complete 2 more degrees and jump-start a new career.  I wasn't working when he died, although I had worked full time for almost 3 decades and I had supported my first husband.

 

We already know that life is unpredictable.  Many among us have been left practically destitute after the loss of their spouse.  As much as it isn't a pleasant thing to have to think about, it is important to make whatever arrangements possible to make sure we have at least the opportunity to support basic needs.  I didn't expect to get cancer after my second husband died.  I would not have been able to afford the medical care I needed if it were not for his life insurance.  I was fortunate that resources were there.

 

Best wishes to all of you who are contemplating these concerns.

 

Maureen

 

 

[arneal]

^^^^ As another twice-widowed person, what WheelersWife said!