Worth the effort?

[Guest fleur]

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[ManutesGirl]

I agree!  It can't always be rainbows and unicorns.

[downinahole]

It was my comment that was deleted. I should have kept my opinion to myself or used much more appropriate language. I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone.

 

Not that I have any say so, but censor me, not that whole thread. Once my comment was deleted, it was like I was never there. I will refrain from commenting on serious threads in the future.

 

A lot of great information was lost in that thread.

 

 

 

[Trying]

I missed the offending comment but had been following the thread as well as commenting myself.  I don't have a problem with closing the thread, there was no more good that could have come from it. But I do think it was an important topic for this section for a few reasons and therefor think it should have remained to be read even if no further comments were allowed.

 

Many of us crave the intimacy of having a committed relationship again and I think that our judgement can be clouded in the early rush of having someone care about us.  I started my relationship early on and questioned my judgement many times, seeking advice and opinions here (and ywbb).

 

We care about each other and I think that was evident in the responses and concern everyone showed.  Some people here are so generous in sharing their own past heart aches and mistakes in an attempt to spare someone else from going down the same road.

 

Sometimes we really don't want to listen to advice and this thread was a good example that if we don't want opinions or advice then we shouldn't ask for it.  While we will never all agree on any topic we should be open to opinions that are different than our own because there might be something to learn.

 

I agree that losing the history of threads from ywbb was also a loss of valuable information.  Deleting an entire thread means a denial that it ever happened.  Now, if history repeats itself for either the OP or for someone else, we don't have this thread to go back to.  Sometimes the more delicate or embarrassing topics are hard to bring up but I know I can search back and someone else has probably gone through something similar.

 

All that being said, I would not want the responsibility of monitoring this board or any other.  There's a damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling.  It's a learning curve and I respect the wonderful people who gave us this home when we were all lost.

 

 

 

 

[Lisa]

I deleted an abusive comment after The thread was beginning to flame. The original poster already edited her original post saying she over shared, it was starting to flame. I asked people to give it a rest.  Then came the abusive comment aimed at the original poster.  I made a post explaining the thread was locked at the moment and why. I left it up to the original poster whether to keep locked, unlock or delete the thread. It was locked until she got back to us. It was her decision.  Under the circumstances a wise one . We get constant complaints about posts that do not violate the code of conduct and are left untouched. I really doubt anyone wants  to go back to having admins and mods who ignore abuse and flames. 

The orginal post had already been edited,  she made the call for  me to delete it. It is her history  not ours if she regretted the thread she has the right to have it removed .

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Still, Lisa, the dialogue could have remained, even if the OP wanted her own information deleted.  People put time and thought into replying.  I think that this is the point.  The OP can choose to delete her posts, but the thoughtful posts of other members were deleted.  I didn't respond myself, but I would have been very frustrated if one of my posts had been eliminated after I had put my own time and energy into making a constructive point on the issue.

 

Maureen

[Lisa]

Thank you for your opinion. Im not sure if you saw the flame building before the unkind comment.in my opinion the whole thing was best gone from the Flaming comments building before the unkind remark.  And none of it made much sense with the original info already edited. There wasnt just one person going too far

I refer everyone to the code of conduct.

 

Thus is your forum. Go ahead and post red flags, sti education etc.

 

[Wheelerswife]

I saw it all.  I agree that flaming wasn't necessary.  Still, why delete it all?  I know a lot of people felt like YWBB deleted our history, some of us before we were able to copy our posts.  Its not all about the OP.

 

Maureen

[Sugarbell]

It wasn't worth the effort responding. The offensive comment had already been deleted.

 

Won't make that mistake again.

[MissinGrizz]

I didn't see what led to deletion, and I do feel important lessons were on that thread; however, it was Mel's decision, and I understand. She shared and then regretted it. I just hope some sank in. I am concerned, at this point more for her daughter than anything.

[ATJ]

Fleur said:

So? am I the only one that is bothered by first the blocking and then the complete disappearance (without comment) of an active thread? 

 

For most, posting takes time and effort and for sure it's a lot easier to sit back and read. However, it is my opinion that this site will not attempt to reach its potential if the genuine contributions of its members are not valued - let alone thrown away.

 

 

Fleur,

 

During your lengthy presence in the YWBB/Widda community you have emerged as one of the solid, stable members who made substantive and valuable contributions, showing evidence of intellect, thoughtfulness and caring for your fellow "club members". Your posts that I have read have been authentic, forthright and to the point, while respectful and well thought out. And yes, it does indeed take time and effort to write, which many cannot or do not wish to expend. Currently the ratio of 'reading guests' over online Members is at times as high as 5:1, in addition to the MANY 'lurking' Members, who for their own reason, choose NOT to participate. Without thoughtful contributions, this community will not have much merit or sustainability.

 

Therefore, I do understand your frustration, especially since your time is probably limited by much more pressing obligations, yet you generously offer your contributions instead of "just sitting back in your chair and read", as you put it. Anything that requires deeper involvement, time and thought, and is respectfully presented to help and support, deserves to be preserved for future reference.

 

During my membership years there have been occasional posts/replies that were incendiary, derogatory, lewd or destructive in nature, which obviously contradict the credo and purpose of this community, and therefore those should NOT be tolerated. But they should be handled on an individual basis and not detract from the good will effort of others. Most people want to sincerely help, which is the foundation of this community, and I have seen much kindness and compassion in all areas.

 

BUT, it is also the OP's responsibility to carefully choose how much to divulge about intimate details on a public board, in particular, when soliciting advice, or at minimum inviting comments from others. Members would be wise to carefully examine if they truly wish to receive feedback/advice from others before posting!

 

I have also learned in the "classroom of life" that most people generally do NOT seek real advice, but look for endorsement of their pre-existing ideas or desires, especially as it concerns romantic relationships or entanglements. But, for those others who indeed seek help and look for an open-minded, interactive dialogue, this community can be a helpful and valuable resource.

 

If at a certain point during the unfolding of a thread it becomes clear that the OP rejects ANY ideas that don't mirror his/her own, then, in my opinion, it is usually wise to simply abstain from further comments because it is a futile waste of time and becomes a source of frustration for all concerned.

 

"You know how advice is - You only want it

if it agrees with what you wanted to do anyway."

 

~~ John Steinbeck

 

This particular thread had obviously reached its saturation point, and I am certain that most contributors felt tired of it, as must have the readers!! Therefore, I assume that it would have naturally lost its momentum and faded out on its own. - Unfortunately, now the record of many sincere, valuable and thoughtful contributions has been lost, and responders feel that they wasted their efforts.

 

"Speak only if it improves upon the silence."

~~  Mahatma Gandhi

 

I shall heed that advice and close now!

 

Thank you, Fleur, for your always candid and thoughtful approach, and to the many others who make good faith efforts to help fellow members in this community.

 

ATJ

 

P.S. I also want to acknowledge that the moderators' job can often be challenging!

 

[Guest Kamcho]

I think the mods are doing excellent work on a time consuming and thankless job. I was grateful to see the thread removed.

 

I regularly delete my posts, partially as part of my spiritual practice. All things are transitory.

[Guest look2thesky]

Not a fan of blocking. Simply put.

 

 

[Guest IronBear]

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[Guest Lost35]

This site is young and still developing it's own unique culture...while it is nice to think there is some protection in place to limit unwarranted nastiness (I didn't see any posts regarding this, so I'm not making a comment directed at any thread or response in particular), I would also hope it doesn't become a place where responders feel warranted posting only in agreement or positively, for fear anything else will be removed.  If opinions are asked for, I for one would love to read ALL of them.  The people who don't agree with/ think like/ have many commonalities with/ me are often the people I learn the most from. 

 

If I post something and regret it, I can remove it.  That is a statement in itself and usually is all that is required for the rest of the group to understand my motives.  Perhaps, in time there will be a way to curb way-ward, abusive posts, like the ones that occasionally popped up on YWBB.  If say, ten people complain, could that be the threshold?  (Just an idea).

 

It's early days and I have faith that we will be able to post without fear of dissention to the point of complete removal of everyone's contributions, while also feeling there remains a strong and respected culture of support here.

 

Just some thoughts...

 

Take care all!!!

 

-L.

 

[Guest look2thesky]

[Carey]

"I would also hope it doesn't become a place where responders feel warranted posting only in agreement or positively, for fear anything else will be removed.  If opinions are asked for, I for one would love to read ALL of them.  The people who don't agree with/ think like/ have many commonalities with/ me are often the people I learn the most from.  "

 

Just have to say I agree with this. Really though for the most part, everyone here really does act like an adult and I haven't seen any unintentional cruelty, unless I missed something?

[Guest tableforone]

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[Guest look2thesky]

Exactly. ^^^^^^

[Guest nonesuch]

*Members would be wise to carefully examine if they truly wish to receive feedback/advice from others before posting!

 

I have also learned in the ?classroom of life? that most people generally do NOT seek real advice, but look for endorsement of their pre-existing ideas or desires, especially as it concerns romantic relationships or entanglements. But, for those others who indeed seek help and look for an open-minded, interactive dialogue, this community can be a helpful and valuable resource.

 

 

I remember on the old board someone asked for advice because her profile on a dating site wasn't generating results.  She then ridiculed every suggestion offered. It would have been easier if she'd titled it, "just venting."

 

[Mizpah]

This is going to sound illogical and wishy washy, but I agree with everyone, even the people who are diametrically opposed.  Yes, it sucks to have things deleted against people's wishes and efforts.  Yes, it sucks when things get hostile and dramatic and destructive (I left YWBB when the LiveWire/RabidBadger stuff got out of control). 

 

Here's the thing about someone looking for advice and then making clear they don't want it when it comes - I feel like that's when they need us the most.  Sometimes we're in turmoil and don't know if we want or can handle feedback, but feel we need to yell into the void.  Aren't we all prickly at times?  When we're unhappy or worried, we who are not perfect can be difficult.  What's the phrase - hurt people hurt people.  I'm not saying we should be doormats or waste our time, and I'm not targeting the original poster but speaking in general.  I know that I get very defensive of my choices or person or situation when I feel it's under attack, sometimes even when it's under attack by ME and then people who love me back me up - it makes me see the good stuff, and think maybe I've misrepresented things - to myself and/or others.  I'm not saying the situation described wasn't clearly problematic.  I'm just saying maybe it's better to be slower to frustration with each other, even when the advice seeker gets surly.  To reach supreme maturity, self-awareness and willing to do what is the healthiest thing despite the emotional toll - that's a lofty goal, one we all work toward, but it's difficult to achieve sometimes.  We don't all make perfect decisions or end up with perfect people or in perfect relationships.  There's a huge, huge grey area between the black and the white, and what's acceptable to some isn't the same as what's acceptable to others.  We tell each other to be gentle with ourselves.  I think we should exercise the same with each other, even when tough love may be the only non-enabling, right thing.  IMHO. 

[Carey]

^^^^ THIS! I've been struggling on putting my 2 cents into words and never could, this is exactly what I think.

[Trying]

Mizpah I agree with you that we can all be prone to get defensive and there are times when we may be hurting and overstate something negative that we are focused on and need some clarity before we can see the balance.

 

There has been less here (thankfully!) than on ywbb of the flaming and attacking. But some people have a pattern, and it's easy to forget and jump in with advice or Compassion only to be reminded of that pattern. Just because we all share a common experience doesn't mean we have much in common. We need to accept our differences and avoid responding to those who either cause us frustration or who we have been attacked by. I delete responses before posting many times when I realize I have nothing positive to offer but sometimes I don't catch myself in time.

 

I think we really do care about each other and want the best for each other but with our different backgrounds and personalities we are not always in the position to help everyone. Hopefully everyone here finds a beneficial connection to a few and find respect for those we disagree with.

[Sugarbell]

You know....my very early years....a few very seasoned wids (who aren't here much now) would call me out on my shit when it came to dating. I got pissy...but there wasn't a flame war or me justifying...usually I made a smartass comment then the thread died. Can't remember if I was just blabbing about it or asking for advice.

 

One (Raymond) would call me out....at first I got pissy at him but we became very good friends.

 

And the seasoned wids were right. I was an utter train wreck and needed reeled back in (Not to mention high as a kite but I never discussed that with them-except ray)

 

But Trying is right.....Some posters I am done with. It is exhausting...it was exhausting on ywbb and exhausting here. So to keep myself nice-not even going to read them. Outcome is too predictable anyway

[Guest fleur]

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