lcoxwell Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 While I have never had to go through what you are going through, post widowhood, I did go through a similar situation in my younger days. I can relate to having too much time on your hands for thinking and to also your expressed fears of being in trouble for not answering the phone. The one thing that helped me, more than anything else, was to lean on my close friends and family. They helped to strengthen my resolve, when I felt uncertain. They reminded me I owed him nothing. They helped me keep my eye on the prize, which was a life in which I did not have to fear or feel belittled. You have come through one of the hardest parts, which was the leaving. Now, you have to do the work of healing. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you can do this. We are all still behind you, 100%, sending you warm wishes, lifting you up in prayer, and supporting you in any way we can, given our relative distance. In time, it will get easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Just wanted you to know, SR, that you are being prayed for and good thoughts are sent your way daily. I understand that it is very difficult for you to still have him calling. Not advice, but a word of caution - Give him an inch and he'll take a mile. Don't answer his calls. You can do this. You have shown strength and integrity from the get-go. There is nothing wrong with your feelings and emotions questioning if you did the right thing. You know you did but that doesn't make the hurt go away immediately. You will heal, flourish, and good things are in your future path. ((Hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 But WHY do I still care? WHY does it still hurt? WHY? I don't want it to, I want to be that "Tough Girl" that has no heart. Just rip it out!! I have to let go of the good to let go of the bad. I know he loves me, he probably always will. I do NOT want to feel this emotional stupid pain! He was served his papers today..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Of course you care and of course it hurts because you are a caring, loving person. This is someone you fell in love with and thought you had a future with. Just because he didn't turn out to be who you thought he was doesn't mean you can just turn your feelings off like a switch. Keep reminding yourself of all of the reasons you left. Consider blocking his number and tell him to only contact you through your attorney. You have made it this far, you can do this, you are so much stronger than you think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 SR - I wish I had the words to make the pain go away. You hurt because you are a good woman who does nothing to cause pain to another. You are human and have feelings. You believed and invested your heart into this marriage and your heart was not protected by your husband. I'm so sorry and feel your pain. Think of your son. That fabulous young man that will make his mark in the future. Of course, you had good along with the bad. Remember it's when the bad outnumbers the good. From what you have said, the marriage was on a downward spiral. In his mind I'm sure he believes he loves you and he is right. That is the sad part. Love is kind, patient, builds one up, cares about your feelings and would give you up if necessary to give you happiness. Does that sound like the man that was more interested in control of your emotions than allowing you to be the woman you are meant to be. Remember what went wrong. Remember what love looked like with your late husband. Remember what the love of a parent for a child looks like. Start loving yourself. You are so much more than you know. A wife is not meant to be put in a bubble and exist for the sole purpose of a man's pleasure. Even the worst of marriages that never should have been are painful when over for many reasons. As I have mentioned before, I am a prayer warrior and I believe in prayer. There is someone greater and wiser than me in control and sometimes we bleed in the process of moving forward but we do. ((Hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 ((((Hugs))))))) even when ending something is the best outcome, it still hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 No question, your loss hurts; I am so sorry that you are feeling it so much right now. But your loss happened when the guy was such a controlling jerk instead of the man you thought you married. I so wish he had not turned out that way. It will get easier. Every time you say no to the second guessing, your "no" muscles will get a little stronger. And the hurt will fade. That you can feel this much hurt and still move forward with something like this proves your mettle. People are cheering you on. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Thinking of you SimiRed. Hope you are doing well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Checking in.... He got his papers. Still calling and leaving messages that I need to call and stop this. I know I don't want to live under his authority anymore, I know he won't change as much as he says he will. He was blind to what he was destroying til it walked away. I know that I deserve to feel important to someone, to be someone's rock, shoulder, or just that person that your proud to say "I'm hers/his". I didn't feel that, I felt hidden, not good enough to stand by his side. I didn't want it to be like this. I'm tired of the deep hurt that he caused. I need to learn how to be stronger, how to never fall like this again. I'm so afraid of that because I am easily a trusting, caring and giving person. How does one ever learn whose real and whose not? How does one trust after this? I don't want to live with regret, I want to live with self confidence, my feet solid on the ground, and know that alone forever is better than the dark hole of never being good enough for anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You have been through so much. Self-confidence will come, if it hasn't started already. Just remember, he had the chance to stop this every time he put you down or made you feel "less than" and didn't. Asking you to stop what you are doing is selfish, given his choice was the easier one. If it were up to you, this would have worked out perfectly, but it wasn't up to you. Until now... I wish you peace; love; strength; courage and blind conviction, on the days when you feel there is little else to hold on to. Can you change your number? It might help. Good luck to you! -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I know he won't change as much as he says he will. ... I am easily a trusting, caring and giving person.How does one ever learn whose real and whose not? "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." ~~ Maya Angelou I don't want to live with regret, I want to live with self confidence, my feet solid on the ground, and know that alone forever is better than the dark hole of never being good enough for anything. "We teach people how to treat us." -- Phil McGraw Simi, You have shown great courage and resolve so far! It is really very simple - if you regard Yourself with respect, then you won't allow people to treat you otherwise. And it is also important that this is clearly understood from the first encounter! I have also been kind, caring and giving throughout my life, but from my early beginnings, I NEVER allowed others to treat me disrespectfully. I always insisted on mutual courtesy and respect and drew a clear line in the sand. Human imperfection is excusable, but disrespectful or dishonest behavior should never be condoned! But you know this and have already taken the necessary steps to determinedly reclaim your life. It is indeed better to be alone than to be in the company of someone of dubious character. You have jumped the biggest hurdles already and are now in the homestretch. I am rooting for you and know that you will succeed! Stand Tall! You are on the eve of a New Beginning!! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You're a literal phoenix rising from the ashes. Seriously. Meantime, assemble a playlist of songs with empowering lyrics that you can listen to when you need a fresh boost. Might I suggest, "Baggage Claim", by that sassy lil miss, Miranda Lambert:) Baylee LOVE the reference to the phoenix ... remind yourself of that often Tracey. I second the music. Love Miranda for sassy "taking no man shit " music. Another good one is Army of Me by Christina Aguilera. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Been away for a short time, hoping that the time away would help the healing process. Guess it's too soon for that. It'll be back to working on my list to keep moving forward, I have to. Never look back, isn't that what they say? Gosh, that's no where near as easy as it sounds! I will soon be back to the loneliness, no companionship, or not a single soul to bounce many day off of. Eh, I'm only fooling myself if I think I had that anyway. Soon, I'll be making the 18 hour lonely drive, to a place where I will not have a single friend. It's okay, I'll have my new beginning. It's what I need. I'm scared of every new day, what it will bring, the challenges I will face. But, I am a survivor, I have a good head on my shoulders, and I will find the way back to learning how to laugh again. I am still getting emails, texts, calls, etc. But, he is only searching for his happiness. No longer will anyone suck the life out of me!!! It's a shame, he never knew what special gifts of myself and my son that he held in his hands. Not bosting myself, but, he lost a whole hell of a lot. Back to one more day of being away, then back to my to-do list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 First, let me say... I'm very sorry that I've been neglecting all the other threads and not keeping up with everyone else. I will hopefully have time in the near future to find myself some sort of routine to get back to my "peeps" that I love and adore so very much!! I miss my family! I was out of town for a week, and I am just getting back. Looked for a new place to call home ✓ Listen to the constant begging to come back ✓ Hug my son and my pets ✓ Contact Lawyer to verify things still moving along ✓ Map out route to drive 16 hours away from this hell ✓ Open new bank accounts in new place ✓ Change direct deposit information ✓ Continue to update/change addresses ✓ New Cell phone ✓ (other one crapped out on me... that was fun) Pet records from vet ✓ It was so easy to believe the lies I've been told - stupid, aren't good enough, can't make it on my own, I don't have what it takes to leave, etc. Everyone here has helped me to believe that I CAN do this, that I WILL do this..no matter what! Thank you for believing in me and supporting me! It has been an emotional rollercoaster and although logically I know he will never change, it is still difficult to actually leave and keep moving forward. I am at the sad realization that I cannot love him enough to make him change. At times, I become frustrated with my self with the ways my mind plays tricks on me into having second thoughts. No, don't worry... I will NEVER go back! I want starting over to be an exciting adventure, not to feel like I've made a mess of things and feel guilty for any stupid choices. Not only do I need to learn to live again (alone), but to feel happy again, to connect again to the things I enjoy. I need to learn to take pleasure in the small things and not fret so much about silly things. I will go to a place where I do not have one single friend, I will know not a soul, I will unpack, shop for furnishings, figure out a decor that is ME... sleep on the floor for a while maybe, til I find a bed that I want, that I like, that is what fits who I am. I have no clue where to even begin, but... Begin, is what I'll do. Courage, that is what I need...courage to deal with my moods and to be in control of them and to not allow them to be in control of me. I need to learn from my choices and from my mistakes. I need to learn how to not feel so broken, unlovable, untouchable. I need to learn how to trust again. I want to be able to not ever let anyone hurt me again. Whether it be a man, or a new friend, or anyone. I don't want to be bullied, pushed, or taken advantage of ever again. I never knew what emotional/verbal/mental abuse could do to a person. I've never seen such rage or experienced more punishing horrible words from anyone before in my life. It steals your identity, your strength, your confidence, self-esteem, your goodness to always look for good in others. I want to be that great example for my son that my late DH knew I could be. I want to be the one who teaches him self-confidence, strength and goodness. I want to learn to trust again, but I'm so SCARED to! I want to have hope again, I want to be that someone special, so special that enflicting pain, whether physically or emotionally will never ever happen again. I'll always have fear of someone hurting me again. Why? Because in the beginning, he was sociable, charming, attentive, well-respected by others, and loving, he made me feel like the most important person in the world to him. See how easily I fall? How do I protect myself from the outward appearance of anyone else ever again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 You have such a right and remarkable outlook, knowing that despite the misery of your most recent marriage, and the challenges of your present, you are desiring of a healthy future, fully aware that you deserve it. Confined to your marriage, I don't feel you were positioned for any of these desires to be fulfilled. I think they would have remained only the private wishes of a sweet and heartsick, hallowed - out lady. As for protecting yourself, I don't know that there's a guaranteed, foolproof method for that. As luck would not have it, many liars are consummate professionals. They retain the uncanny ability to fool good people for a reason: they are damn good at it. But that's on them, not on you. I will volunteer that after my ex con-tastic husband and I parted ways I had friends and family help vector me in the dating world. Normally, I'm very reticent to discuss relationship details, but after the three-ring debacle that was that ex-marriage, I decided to seek guidance whilst navigating the dating scene from my supporters who wouldn't be too timid to make me confront red flags. If something seemed suspect, I'd run it by them. You're knocked off your balance discernment wise. But you can, and you will regain it back. Keep going. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Scared? Yes. And look at you, you ARE that great example for your son that your late DH knew you would be. Your son is watching! Courage? You are very courageous SimiRed. Even though your physical location looks lonely and without local friends, you have support and friends here. And your son is ok and taken care of lovingly by his Mom. The rest is going to pass. We cannot know what trials await us, yet we also don't know what wondrous things may be coming. Be well and be safe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I am at the sad realization that I cannot love him enough to make him change. SimiRed, it sounds like you are making real progress in starting a new life. That's great! I support you in all that you wrote except the part above about your realization that you cannot love him enough to make him change. The problem I have with that is that you are taking it on yourself, blaming yourself, for his lack of will to change to be a better man, a man who does not abuse his partner and betray her trust. It is HE who is at fault for being unable to change, not you or some lack in your loving. I wish you the very best. ((SimiRed)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 On the road tomorrow, alone, to a new beginning. Today, I cry, why do I let the betrayal of someone hurt me so much? Seriously, I meant nothing to this person, he's already searching for the next victim... Okay, chin up Girl.... Keeping my eye on the prize. 16 hours of driving to do....I should rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Good luck - have a safe trip and looking forward to hearing about your new life! (((HUGS))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 What an example of strength and courage you have given us. You remain in my thoughts and prayers are you travel. The hurt of betrayal has not made you bitter. I admire you. Be safe on the road and keep your sparkle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Half-way... Stopping and visiting friends on the way. Wow, I am awed by the support and faith my friends have in me. I have not seen them in four years, but they make me laugh, give me strength and all have had an open home and heart for my weary mind and soul. I had forgotten what real friendship is, how those that unconditionally love us, love us no matter what. It feels good, I am starting to feel "Home" again...I haven't felt that in four years, I felt lost and trapped in a world where negativity and self loathing existed. I am beginning to feel a bit of hope again. I never realized how much I missed those that I left behind and wasn't allowed to see, they all said they have waited for the day that I would find the strength to leave. They have all welcomed me with outstretched arms, tears and have shown me that no matter what, they love me and will always have my back. I WILL NOT let the pain of this situation make me hopeless. Never will the negativity wear off on me again, or leave me hopeless. I will not allow the bitterness to steal my goodness. I will take pride in the fact that I know the world can be a beautiful place, I have to learn that changing my thoughts is the only way to change my reality. Fear of the unknown will not defeat me. Fear is only as deep as my mind allows it to be. I am in control of my happiness, feelings, and I am in control of defining who I want to be... No, HE will not defeat me or make me feel weak, no... HE will not define me. Home.... I'm on my way.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Ok, I just want to declare how awestruck I am by your courage and momentum. That's all. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Unconditional love is exactly what you deserve, take your fill of it to keep you strong in the days ahead. You are doing amazing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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