Prayers or Good thoughts....

[susanf.sf]

You are strong and brave!  My thoughts and energy are with you as you continue to hold on to that strength and courage.  You can do it, you must!

 

Susan

 

[SimiRed]

Thank you. Trying to keep moving forward is like walking on hot coals!  He put an alarm system on the house, guess I can't get my things. :-(  Still begging me to come home, I said, No...He drove to where I was, but friend made him leave.

 

Can I just say I've had enough hardships, stick a fork in me already.  I'll try not to break till I'm on the other side, I guess.

 

 

 

 

[linda5]

Stay strong!  Lifting you up in prayer.

[Baylee627]

Time to call in a lawyer to see about getting your possessions returned to you. I reviewed a few of the separation procedures in NJ, and it seems that you can begin the process of separation without a formal legal separation. But it might be a good idea to allow a lawyer to draft a separation agreement so boundaries are committed to paper.

 

Your erstwhile hubby should also keep in mind that NJ is an equitable property state. So being obstinate and disagreeable won't do him any good if, in the event, the divorce courts have to assume the task of asset and property division (premarital acquirement not included). From what I read, the court doesn't always divide 50/50 your assets and debts. It divides as it deems fair, whether he objects or not.

 

Also, in NJ, if you fear for your safety, having suffered abuse, you are covered under the Domestic Violence Act. You can file a report with the court house in the county of your residence. Or, you can file for an order of restraint with the police, if need be.

 

I know your head is swirling with enormous amounts of various emotions. It's gotta be. Although I sense you're unsure of just what next step to take on your path, I encourage you to meanwhile educate yourself on the laws of your state, and of what your rights are throughout this process (if you've not already). Consulting an attorney might be a good way to get an overview of those things while you are deliberating your next move.

 

Knowledge is empowering and equipping.

 

Bit by bit--remember: Rome wasn't built in one day. Onward, and upward, SR.

 

Baylee

[Lisa]

Hang tough we are here for you. Bless you and your child. Don't be afraid to call the police. This anger is motivated and warranted for sure. Dont let him push you guys around., that is o v e r

[MissinGrizz]

Call the police to escort you in to get your things, at least the ones obviously yours (like yours and your son's clothes). They will do so. I had a friend who had to do this. If you don't, he may destroy them. If that's the case, remember . . . they are THINGS. This is your life. You are so strong for doing this. The fact that he is responding the way he is shows you that you made the right choice.

 

How is your son handling all of this?

[Carey]

I can't fathom losing a spouse, going through hell, finding someone new thinking that everything would get better and there was more happiness only to find they weren't who I thought they were.  You are an incredible woman and I applaud you for taking this step, the strength it takes is enormous I'm sure.  Stay encouraged honey, we are all here for you.

[SimiRed]

Baylee, awesome information.  Oh... I was a research analyst for a living before I had my son. 

 

Thinking stupid wants alarm system (I'm guessing nanny cam...cause he's paranoid) cause he's met his match...or better.  He may be sneaky..but I'm smarter.  Those things can be disabled.  Especially when one knows how they work, just saying.  Idiot...

 

This is still extremely hard to deal with.

 

Know the song, "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride?  Well, that's me.. but, I've got duct tape and Popsicle sticks and Rick's strength on my side.

 

Just keep moving.... just keep moving... If only I could rip out my heart, it'd be easier.

 

 

 

 

[Guest look2thesky]

If your name is on the deed he cannot stop you from entering your home.

I would take the advise of Baylee, call the police if you have to get your things, GET legal advise, and run as far away from this man as possible. When someone like this angers, there is no telling what he is capable of.

I hope you are able to stay strong, and not fall for broken promises.

His finding you, and any altercation with your friend or where you are staying is alarming.

I had the misfortune of a post separation relationship with a woman whose husband showed similar characteristics, and she felt sorry for her soon to be ex, I won't go into further details but it involved State Police, and was extremely scary.

She thought by being amicable he would too. Not !

Nothing is easy. But be careful, please.

 

[Forgottenwife]

I was lostwife2011 on the old board and I chose that name in a fog, always tried to change it. Hello everyone! I've been just watching and reading and this SimiRed story prompted me to finally post here.

 

SimiRed - I have thought of you many times since you had posted a few details of your new relationship on YWBB. Wow. You are amazing!! You did it. I know its gotta be unsettling to be out of your home and facing a divorce and a possible legal battle. You can do it. You are worth so much more than what this man has offered you.

 

This person had the audacity to say you are having a nervous breakdown when he finally pushed you to the edge? And to touch your child? And question your love of your husband? Nope nope nope you don't need any of that crap. I am always mystified by people that neglect and mistreat their spouse and then act surprised when they leave. You SimiRed deserve love and friendship and to be adored and respected as an equal. And, I have to echo what a couple of other people have said, you may want to consider legal advice. It seems expensive but some things are just worth it and good legal advice is one of them.

 

It is easy for me many states away to say this when I don't have to do the work but STAY STRONG!! Look to us for support and stay safe too. I'm pulling for you and your boy.

[SimiRed]

Okay... After I get through this I am just going to collapse and maybe get up, maybe not... at that point, I won't care.

 

Lawyer ✔

Papers filed ✔

Realtor out of state looking for home ✔

POD drop and delivery scheduled ✔

Change mailing address ✔

Medical records ✔

Husband pleading ✔✔✔✔✔

Local Friends drop me ✔✔✔

Occasional Meltdowns ✔

Research and contacted new schools ✔

Change all beneficiaries on bank accounts ✔

Pack when husband at work..by myself, cause see friends above ✔

Still more to pack....

Try to eat ✔  or not, down 10 pounds in 2 weeks, food gives me knots

Never trust again ✔

Tell husband again with mediator that not reconcilable ✔  He can't get it.

Living half out of my car ✔

How the hell am I going to do this? ✔

 

 

OMG, I am just a mess, I have a POD scheduled for next Friday, they will drop it off, but can't pick up on weekends.  So, it will need to sit until Monday.  How am I going to move stuff out without his pitiful face not bothering me?

 

I need to cancel my sons flight to my parents, cause they are driving up to help, then taking him and my pets back with them.

 

I need to cancel my flights to my late husbands family in August.  I just can't do it, no time.

 

I'll need to learn how to breathe again, how to feel like someone important again, and how to drown out the silence again.

 

Some comments from my friends here hurt me to the core: "I think you would feel better about yourself if you stayed here and stood on your own, who cares if you run into him, when you leave he'll just be done with you.  Moving your son out of his school is selfish, sorry can't help you pack, it's going to be 95? and that's too hot.  I think you are moving way too fast and will have more self esteem without running home to Mommy and Daddy, stay and prove he's not all that. I think your scared to be on your own, you don't know how to do it."

And my other friend that I asked to help me load the POD and pack. I asked if her husband, son and friends could help since I have a piano an it's heavy!  "We're doing stuff around the house or otherwise I would help you, hang in there, keep moving forward"  THIS IS (I thought) a good friend, she just blew me off, she knows the abuse I've been through.

 

Really?  Just like when Rick died, they all disappear when the going gets tough.

 

Ugh, I'm dreading, dreading, dreading next weekend, I'm dreading trying to pack and load all on the same day with just my parents and my brother.  I'm hating everything, I'm sick of putting one foot in front of the other (Not to mention I dropped a hammer on my foot with flip flops on and then I yelled, "I hate this F-ing house!!"... As I tried to pack things alone with very little time while he's at work.  Would be nice to feel someone had my back, but, I guess that someone is now my guardian angel keeping me moving. 

 

**Sigh**  Why?

 

 

[Abitlost]

SR, you've got this! You have already taken the hardest step! While it isn't going to be easy for a while, you have the momentum and strength to come out on the other side where you can rebuild your life into one of peace and happiness. You are doing the absolute best thing for yourself and your son. We are all behind you!

 

abl

[Forgottenwife]

You know what, you continue to amaze me, I think I would be exhausted after half this list. Just fried, and sad too. These changes will be hard as you are finding out, beyond many other hardships in life, but look at what you have already lived through, you have buried your beloved, no move and divorce is gonna take you down.

 

Too bad I am states away from you, I rock at packing! I even did it for a living for a brief period in my life. I have no idea what your finances are, could you consider hiring some local movers to pack the POD? My boyfriend hired movers and they moved his entire apartment, out of one and into another, in just under 4 hours. That included appliances! Movers could just pack it and you could split. Maybe we could start a gofundme page for you to move! I'm in!

 

I can't relate exactly to what you are going through, yet I can relate to friends bailing and having to live through something  exhausting and crappy. I know this sounds corny but when my list was so long as I was so alone and tired and just had absolutely no idea how I would make it through some events, I always told myself to keep my 'eye on the prize.' And that was my kids. At night when I laid down to go to bed, I would visualize that they were ok and I was still alive to take care of them, and that nothing else mattered really. I know things matter, our belongings matter and our martial status and legal battles and all of that but truly, I had no control over other people and the basement flooding and the fender bender I was being sued for and that my husband was gone and all the other things that were happening. It was so hard so I just did what I could and then remembered my kids and I were alive and in one piece, that's all I had left. My dearest friend reminds me of this once in a while. 

 

I am so sorry your husband is begging you for whatever will make him happy - that has got to just add stress on this already crappy situation. And your friend? Telling you moving a kid from one school to another is selfish? Weird, everyone knows that is not true. If you take care of yourself and your boy, that is what matters. He is seeing his Mother change an unhappy and unhealthy situation and he will benefit from that. 

 

SimiRed keep your eye on the prize and hug him tight. July will come, and then August and before we all know it, this day and these hardships will be your past.

[canadiangirl]

^^  .  You do have this, SR.  I am sorry your friends are not pulling through for you (and the comment about selfishness is just....ugh), although based on many of our wid experiences, not so surprised I guess.  Wishing you energy and motivation to get you through these coming days.  Also worried a bit about your safety from what you have shared, I do not love that he knows where you are, sounds volatile.  Stay safe! 

[RobFTC]

It's so good to see the lit fire burning in you to do this.  I know it's hard, but so necessary.  I wish you had help.  Peace.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Trying]

You will look back on this time at some point and be amazed by how strong you are, I am amazed now!  Screw your so called friends, people are weak and self centered.  Ignore the negative comments and his pleading and stay focused on your goal.  We are all standing behind you.

[Baylee627]

I am muy impressed with your resolve and you having already burned through one heck of a daunting checklist this speedily.

 

Your decision is not for the fainthearted. But it's for the determined- hearted: determined not to live in despair and defeat, determined that your situation was untenable (to put it mildly), and determined that you deserve to be loved unabashedly and it be a love that is pure and healing, a balm to your wounds.

 

Those determinations are going to be hard-won (due to the grueling nature of getting divorced), but it will be worth it. In this case, SR, I can say that with confidence: it will be worth the turmoil and upheaval.

 

One day in the future, you're going to be washing up the dishes or folding laundry (or, insert mundane task here), and it will occur to you...I'm ok. No, not just ok, I'm better than I was. I'm...(smile tugging at the corners of your mouth)...happy.

 

When? I don't know the timing. But, that moment's gonna come.

 

Watch and see

 

Baylee

[SimiRed]

Canceled son's flight to parents ✔

Canceled flight to late husband?s family ✔

Packed 4 more boxes while Husband at work ✔

Scheduled oil change in car before I drive the heck out of here ✔

Husband says we need therapy, he'll pay for me to stay in an apartment, whatever works for him, I guess ✔

Lies I believed that were never true, broken promises ✔

New promises he will most likely forget about in a few months ✔

Organized my disarray of stuff in back of car, because yes, I have a "gotta have it neat" issue. ✔

Contact local school guidance for school records ✔

Purchased a cheap portable printer so I can print/copy anything I need from the comfort of my new 4 wheel home ✔

Husband to be served on the 22nd ✔ I?ll go find a hotel miles and miles away!

 

Ugh, I think the hardest step is actually going to be moving all my stuff out and loading it!  That's when reality will hit.

 

I can't do movers because I have to "select" my items only. It would be difficult to direct a crew of movers. I thought about it, and figured it would get hectic doing it that way.

 

I can't stop, I MUST keep moving, if I stop for one second to think, my feet will sink, I'll feel sorry for him, he'll suck me in!  Cause, he's actually being the nice guy I fell for.  Why do I feel so GUILTY? Like I'm just running away?  I'm not running away, I'm running to LIVE, why doesn't anyone understand this?  They think I've had a nervous breakdown, ummm...not yet, if death of 1st husband and now this don't take me down, I'll count my lucky stars

 

Keeping my "eye on the prize"   My son, I'm so proud of you, you are my savior, my reason to never give up.  If only you knew how very much Mama loves you...I'm so sorry you've had to hurt in so many ways in the small amount of time you've been on this Earth, I'm so sorry for the mistake I made.  I'm so sorry you lost your most amazing Daddy at such a young age, you see..you're just like him!  You walk like him, talk like him and when you smile, his light shines through your eyes, and you are my greatest gift.  I want to see that wonderful smile on your face again and hear you laugh, see you safe and happy.

 

For this... I keep my feet going, for you.

 

Husband says he'll change, I?m allowed to do "insert whatever I wasn't allowed to do" this now, but I doubt it. 

 

My son had his first counselor's appointment yesterday, which went well.  After he talked, the counselor called me back in.  He told me he was very open and honest, and that he is surprisingly a very well-adjusted teenager considering the things he's been through in his childhood.  Says he is very honest, straightforward, and compassionate.  Says he doesn't seem to dwell on his Daddy?s death, he misses his Dad, makes him sad, but he's accepted his death probably because he was always a part of the process and we were very honest with him at a young age. He said he will be fine.  He has normal teen fears of school, etc..  Then he said, he loves his Mom very much  

 

 

There's more to me than this, I cannot let him pull me in! I NEED to do this, as guilty, horrible and sad as I feel, I need to.  One day, I will be whole again...one day, after I wipe my tears away, try to repair my broken soul and broken heart.  That may not ever happen, I am afraid to ever trust again, feel safe again, I'm broken forever...who would ever even try after I've been so hurt and destroyed, now I'm just untouchable.  Death? then Divorce? Who would even bother to try?  And.. I don't even want any one to.

 

[Jess]

I hope you know you are one heck of a lady. Sincerely. I am just blown away. Positive thoughts to you and your son.

[Jen]

Oh, hugs, HUGS. It took me over 13 years to break away from an abusive man, and he'd shown his true colors before we'd been married two years. You are incredible, and I am SO FREAKING PROUD of you. Strength to you, from one ginger to another! (Okay, mine comes from a bottle, but still... )

[BrokenHeart2]

SR, keep your eye on the prize. Your Son!!! 

You may feel guilt but when you really think about it how warranted is it?  Not at all. You are now standing tall and doing what you need to do for you and your son!  You are my hero SR!

Hugs and strength!

 

[SimiRed]

This morning... I just fell to uncontrollable tears.  Husband called, yes, I answered... I needed the code to the stupid alarm.  But,

why..why, must be be so damn upset?  It makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing, whether I'm just moving in Flash mode to avoid conflict or confrontation.  I don't want to second guess myself...My son absolutely refuses to even let him apologize to him.  No, I'm not forcing the issue, my son has extreme anger towards this person!  Why do I feel like such a schmuck?  A heel?  A total piece of crap! 

 

Ugh, I try to figure out if I'm doing this for me, am I doing this for my son, am I running away and denying marriage therapy because of everyone I know telling me he'll never change?  Is that true?  I DON'T KNOW!

 

So, I tried to come up with a list of positives and negatives about this person.  Negatives are easy, I could write a few pages.  Positives...I don't know?  He loves me, the hugs are nice, having someone just there is nice, not being alone...maybe that's what my problem is? 

 

He's doing so much around the house with things that I have begged him to do?  But, isn't this the same behavior that trapped me to begin with and I fell for it? 

 

Ugh.... I suck.

 

Anyway...

 

Saturday, I took my son to the beach, we put our feet in the sand and walked in the water.  Then we browsed some stores and had a great dinner at a seafood restaurant.  Gosh, it felt nice...

 

Let's see today:

 

I'm still keeping these poor feet of mine on the go.

 

Contacted 2nd School that I may want son to attend ✓

Picked up a ton of boxes ✓

Purchased some plastic bins ✓

Packed my sons entire bedroom ✓

Cried uncontrollably ✓

Laundry at house so I can burn his electric bill ✓

Cleaned bird cage to get ready to travel ✓

Continued to doubt, second guess ✓

Emailed current counselor to get transfer process ✓

 

Oh... Please keep me strong, cause I feel like I'm falling....

 

 

 

[Eddienhp]

Sending you strength and peace, Tracey. I think you answered your own doubts by stating the cons are pages long and the pros are only a handful. Plus your son won't even take an apology from this man. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Before you know it you will be adjusted in your new space and your son will be grateful for the change.

Hugs,

Eileen

[Abitlost]

SR,

 

I think you know you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your son; it is not the easiest thing, but it is right. It is natural to second-guess yourself, but remember that a lifetime with the wrong person is a brutally long time.

 

abl

[Trying]

You're going to have doubts and second guess yourself because he has been messing with your self confidence for so long.  The important thing is you have kept moving forward any way.  The self confidence will start to return with each step you make. 

 

Keep going, you've got this!