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Confessions of a widow


Tweety76
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Last night I had a good cryfest....pure pity party for me.....it was very selfcentered.

 

I didn't cry for my husband who lost his chance to see his kids grow up, I didn't cry for my sons who lost their dad....I couldn't see that there are people worse off or at least in the moment I didn't care.

 

All I cared about was me!!!........that is not a good way to be!

 

Still a little there this morning. Hopefully it will fade and I will regain my balance.

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My confession:  I love my NG.  He is really wonderful in many, many ways.  But I can be with him, even in after intimate moments, and DH will come up in my brain.  I don't love DH like I used to, but he was my one and only since HIGH SCHOOL.  Wish it would pass.... :-\

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  • 1 month later...

tybec, your post from December made me think a bit ... I too love my NG. My issue is not my thoughts of LH but that LH comes up in public spaces, like on my social media. When his birthday passed, my stepdaughter tagged me in a post. She tagged me a couple days ago on something that reminded her of her dad. One of her sister-friends tagged us both in a video she had taken at our house and wrote about how she misses him.

On a separate but sort of connected thing, I made a funny post this morning about running from the bathroom to the kitchen to turn off a pot I was boiling eggs in that I had forgotten about before getting ready to jump in the shower; I said I was paranoid that someone would see me :) A cousin (who doesn't know about NG) replied, 'Who is there to see you, other than the dogs?'. I said I had my shades open and was concerned about nosy neighbors, but it made me realize that there are people who expect me to be this stoic, single widow. That's not who I am, not who I want to be, and not who LH wanted me to be ...

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  • 1 month later...

  • I can't remember the last time I took a shower.
  • I went out to dinner the other night in full-on Victorian-era "Widow's Weeds" so the world would know I was having a bad day and leave me alone.
  • I go out for ice cream almost every day. I don't even really enjoy it, but it provides some small measure of comfort.
  • I frequently called his number and left messages until his family disconnected it. And now I hate that I can't call and hear his voice anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Every song has a story and memory linked to my DH. 

 

I have NG, who, like my DH, is an avid and diverse lover of music.  They were both DeeJays at some point!

 

So all love songs I adore and want to share with NG belong with DH and our history.  NG even sang a song to me on the phone one time, so sweet.  But it was a song my DH dedicated to me when he was a DeeJay. 

 

What to do?  Same era of music interests........ :-X

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Arneal,

 

Yes, I have told NG my DH was a deejay, classic rock, and NG loves that music.  He plays that game, name the artist, which I have played my whole life with DH.  NG's DeeJay name is a name my DH used as a code name with my SIL for doing tasks, "secret missions."  NG uses phrases DH used all the time.  It is strange.  I didn't know these things about NG until dating him over several months, so it was not something from the on line dating site or profile.  I don't want him to always think I am comparing.

 

My son hears things from NG now, and I look at him and we KNOW we have heard it before, too.  Just weird and sometimes comforting, sometimes odd.

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This commonality is something that concerns me.  I connected with someone online and his life very much mirrored DH.  He even is working in the cattle industry which is what we did for so many years....

It was fairly early on and we never met and I kinda just let it fade away.  Just seemed too close.

 

After a couple of months he found me on Facebook and we reconnected.  We text fairly regularly but have never met.  We live 2.5 hours from each other and ranching doesn't allow much time off and he has two kids.  I probably am still the problem.  It all seems too close and familiar and I have major reservations!

 

I have kept it very platonic and enjoy the friendship we have build but I know he would like to try for more.  It is nice to hear that others have growing lives that seem to overlap their previous ones.....

I always thought I would go in a completely different direction.

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jgib,

 

I hear the concerns.  I guess I know there is enough different about NG and DH, but the commonalities are remarkable.  With only dating and marrying DH,  I didn't know I had a "type." 

 

NG is super smart, geek, well traveled, speaks 3 languages, meticulous, crunches numbers for a living, overly serious sometimes, limited circle of trust and limited demonstrative affection. Can be funny, dances.

 

My DH was the class clown, voted most mischievous in HS,  didn't know a stranger, ADHD, worked with his hands, loved, hugged everyone.  There are enough differences, but music and expression are big.

 

But physical attributes and military service are there.  And wanting to be the best dad ever to sons.  ;) ;D

 

Still, comes up a lot. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

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