Confessions of a widow

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

I can relate, SVS.  My confession?  It's been well over a year since I've had a real kiss, and affectionate hug, or any sort of romantic touch.  I've been on plenty of dates, but none got to where any affection would take place.  I'm so starved for human touch, I hired an escort off craigslist last night just to come and hold my hand, snuggle, and talk to me for an hour.  About an hour before the appointment I came to my senses and cancelled.  I fear I'm beyond broken, which makes me beyond desirable.

[Virgo]

Terrible day today. That's understating. My confession ... I'm back to thinking 15 years from now my youngest will be 23. All three of my daughters will be adults.  I can be done.  I'm tired. Done feeling beaten down. I will endure whatever is to come for at least 15 years.

 

[SoVerySad]

First, hugs to you, Virgo!!!

 

Now my confession, I just started doing my taxes an hour ago. This is my first year that I have to stop claiming married or qualifying widow. I don't want to give up my married part of my identity. I still feel married, wear my rings, feel connected to my husband, but everything official wants to reclassify me before I'm ready to do it. So, I've held off out of...protest? Stupid I know, because now I'm down to the wire. Sigh...

[rifatheroffour]

SVS, not stupid, ostrich like but bot stupid.  I've put off plenty because I just didn't want to think about.

 

Virgo, I get it.  4 years for me till the kids are out of High School, I just need to get them that far I think sometimes.  I confess that I have recently realized I do stupid things like not worry about inhaling fumes or dusts because who cares if I get sick, it just means I won't be here for another 30 to 40 years, and I could "live" with that.  I have agreed to try harder to not be careless.

 

Hugs to you both...

[MrsT85]

SVS, not stupid, ostrich like but bot stupid.  I've put off plenty because I just didn't want to think about.

 

 

SVS, RIFF - how about this one - I've moved three times in the three years since he's been gone, and I still haven't cancelled our DirecTV account.  The damn dish hasn't been up since June '13 and I never actually set up "real" TV after he died (I stream everything via a Roku box and now my fiance's PS4). 

 

I used to have the excuse "My Mom and brother use my account to watch HBO-on-demand" but now that HBO split their streaming service off many many months ago I really only have inertia and a tenancy for avoidance to blame....

[Trying]

I have several things still in DHs name.  2 credit cards and our cable bill among others.  When I moved last summer I tried to change the cable to my name but they made it so difficult I just left it.  He gets lots of mail at our new address even though he never lived here.

[SoVerySad]

Thank you guys for the support and understanding. But I can officially say now that it was definitely stupid to wait. I submitted them at 11:37 pm, way too close to midnight for my comfort. Lots of snags I didn't anticipate, etc.. But they are done.

 

It is a comfort to know I'm not the only one who puts things off, though.

[donswife]

I still have dons magazines being delivered

just can't seem to get the energy to make another one of those phone calls

still in ostrich stage on some things

[Jen]

My cable account is still in Jim's name. If you watch the Comcast commercials, they make it sound like moving is no more complicated than hooking up a new box, but they LIE. I went through their whole long process to get our account moved over, but when I tried to log in, they had just started a whole new account. I lost his voicemail greeting recording (literally the ONLY reason I didn't just close the account and get my own), and now I've got a an account that doesn't have my name on it. I don't know what to do at this point. Confess, close it, and start over? Leave it alone? So far I've opted for the latter.

 

Oh, and my insurance agency called me at work the other day to "confirm your annual mileage." The lady asked how much driving Jim does in a year. I said, "Not much, he died." She was more or less stunned into silence at that point... stammered an apology and got off the phone real quick, once I'd confirmed his date of death.

[smm]

Another one with a magazine still getting delivered 2.5 years later.

 

I also hoovered out his car for the first time since he died. He would have been horrified at the state of it. My excuse? It was never my job to clean the cars!

[Guest TooSoon]

Speaking of vehicles and confessions, the other day my daughter said, "I need to switch sides because there are little white caterpillars under the seat over here." 

 

Flashing back to years of spilled snacks and drinks that I never cleaned up and thinking that "little white caterpillars" can only mean one thing....I have not looked under the cushion in the back seat, nor do I intend to. 

 

Yes, I confess.  Maggots.  In my car. 

[Bunny]

I try not to think about all the money I've passively spent over the past almost 4 years through avoiding things like shutting off his phone, canceling magazines, etc. The utilities are still in his name.

 

My confession:

Some widows get frustrated when those around them are having marital problems, get irritated when they can't just work things out with their 'at least they're not dead, count your lucky stars' spouses.

Me? Widowhood seems to have made me more pro-divorce. Because life really is too short to spend it with someone you're incredibly unhappy with. What's so great about being able to say you've been married X amount of decades if a lot of it was spent in misery? Not every marriage is meant to last a lifetime and that doesn't have to mean the marriage was a mistake -or a failure.

 

(This is on my mind because I stayed up late last night with a very good friend trying to help her sort through her struggling marriage. It never crossed my mind she should feel lucky or that I was the last person she should come to given my circumstances. That girl stood by me those first two years like nobody else. And, yes, I do happen to adore her husband.)

[Mrskro]

toosoon;

 

I would say bring it to one of those places that cleans the car inside and out and claim ignorance to the white caterpillars   

[Mrskro]

My 13 year old DS and I were relaxing on the couch, I was in my Pj's which were shorts and he said to me "ok, Mom this is ridiculous you have to shave your legs"   I may have been slacking in that department.  What's the point if there's no one to touch them anyway?

[MrsDan]

I'm in Manhattan traveling a show to another museum. People keep asking me what I'm doing after work. I was supposed to get together with another widow, but we couldn't connect. Someone said to me, I don't think the Met is open, but maybe MOMA? I thought, dude I am not going to the Met, I'm not going to MOMA. I am not going to a museum after spending ten hours at one. This trip took so much logistical planning to get my kid and dogs taken care of, so I did not planning. Not to mention I never have time to myself to do absolutely nothing. So I am going to the hotel, where I'm going to pig out on the free buffet, call my daughter, veg out in bed watching HGTV on the giant TV, then talk to my boyfriend on the phone. And yes, a "free trip" to New York may be exciting and all, but I'm so stressed about making my flight tomorrow and the motion sickness that comes with flying that what I really can't wait for is to see my boyfriend's face when he comes to pick me up at the airport.

[rifatheroffour]

I always found business travel overrated...enjoy the time with no responsibilities

[Trying]

Enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet!

[Virgo]

I sleep in a king sized bed with two large pillows.  Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me.

[LiveToRide]

I sleep in a king sized bed with two large pillows.  Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me.

 

King here too...with lots of pillows! I'm surrounded by them and spoon my puppy.

 

My confession...I have done nothing but chat with other widows today. I need to shower.

[Jen]

I have been shamelessly flirting with a younger man I met on another site. He's adorable and precious and if he were any closer I would jump him in a heartbeat. There's zero chance of this being anything other than an ego boost, but it's nice to feel wanted.

[trying2breathe]

"Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. "

 

Virgo  I think you should give that pillow a name!  ^^ 

[LiveToRide]

I tell my puppy I love her 20 plus times a day. I talk to her like she's a human and she is the best listener! I also sleep at the end of my king bed sideways just to spoon her. She gets belly rubs every morning(my therapy) and is just as spoiled as my husband was. I really don't know what I would do without her constant silly and neediness!

[Virgo]

"Lately my one pillow seems to be getting a lot of cuddling action. This morning I woke up to it spooning me. "

 

Virgo  I think you should give that pillow a name!  ^^

 

Peter? Richard?

[Kater]

I thought I would try to clean out his underwear drawer.  After taking everything out, I meticulously folded it all and put it back.  But then I decided to wear his boxers to bed with one of his t-shirts.  I now have about 15 pajama "sets" for the summer

[arneal]

Thank you for this thread. So I found my way to Widda after using an incognito browser window to search for something like what is the right amount of time to think about dating after being widowed. My first husband died in 1999 (I was young, he was abusive, and God saw fit to take him instead of me) and my second husband died February 1, this year (my best friend, who I looked at like he was crazy when he said once that he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life if he died).

 

So I never imagined that I would be wanting in a sense to have a relationship of some kind when it's been just shy of three months. I got irritated at the thought because I had told my husband that there was no way I was going through all this getting close to somebody stuff again. I know I'm not ready but the thought is there.

 

One more confession -- I'm with all those who have written about not washing dishes or clothes right away. I tend to have a sink full of silverware and microwave containers because if I do cook, I parse it out into meals that can be heated up quickly or I use paper plates. I'll let it sit until I'm ready to wash them. When I think about it, that's not much different from when my husband was alive -- we would use up all the silverware and then wash dishes  ;D