OMG They left me already!

[jodiwitz]

My husband died Tuesday, June 9. My 2 oldest daughters took the rest of the week off. Their guys also took the week off. I knew everyone would be going back to work on Monday. But I didn't know that everyone else would drop off the face of the earth. I was overwhelmed with all the people and all the food that first week. But there's nothing this week. My pastor was here initially, but he's on vacation now. I had asked him to find me a support group, but no answer from him. I called a close friend 2 nights ago to come over and keep me company, and she just replied today.

 

I'm not completely alone here at home. My mom is staying with me.  She lost my dad in 2001, and she already lived in the same town, so she just came over and didn't leave.

 

Of course, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm sleeping all night, so I don't sleep during the day. I'm just rattling around with no purpose. I need someone to tell me what to do.

 

I think my 16 y/o son doesn't think very highly of me. (Backstory here: We lost our first son in 1998 when he was 14 mo old. I think Chuck just wanted to protect me and do everything for me. He cooked, he grocery-shopped, he paid bills, he ran errands, he didn't want me to do anything. We already had 2 older girls, and over the next few years we adopted 2 more kids. It's what we always wanted - lots of kids that I could stay home with.) So ds saw me have a panic attack at the bank. Ugh.  I'm just this piece of wet toilet paper and cries at every other thing.

 

 

[Baylee627]

The cold, hard truth is that this is quite par for the course. Initially, family and friends are eager to offer condolences. It's when it comes time to offer "support", do they flee.

 

Some flee because your tragedy overburdens their circuits. Some flee because they aren't up to the wearing task of being there for you emotionally and physically. Some run for the hills because you are now a subliminal symbol to them of death, and it occurs to them that your reality could become theirs. Therefore,  they need to dissociate with you. You'll especially witness this in your married friends. As someone who is now widowed, they no longer may find commonality with you. (Married folks with everyday problems gravitate towards other married folks with everyday problems).

 

It happens for a myriad of reasons--none of which do  I find excusable, in the slightest. My widowhood basically hindered all of my key friendships. Friends I thought would undergird me with care and concern were actually first to depart.

 

It compounds our loss when family and friends do this. But they won't understand this until it's their turn, more than likely.

 

I am so sorry; I know full well--as do plenty of our fellow wids--how much this has blindsided you and stings.

 

Baylee

 

 

[jodiwitz]

Thank you {{Baylee}}. I should clarify that my girls are still in touch. The younger one has been over several times, but the oldest one is sick and doesn't want me or my mom to catch it.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS)))))) to you. I am so, so sorry.

[singinmomo4]

 

Of course, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm sleeping all night, so I don't sleep during the day. I'm just rattling around with no purpose. I need someone to tell me what to do.

 

.

 

You don't need to do anything.  For many months, after getting the kids on the bus in the mornings, I would fall into a crying heap, fall asleep and wake up just in time to get them off the bus. 

 

Don't be afraid to tell you church that you could still use meals.  Allow yourself to cry, to do nothing, to scream (when the kids aren't home, that's what I did). 

 

((((((HUGS)))))) Take care of yourself, make sure you drink plenty of water, remember, everything you are feeling is completely normal. 

[Max2507]

It is hard when your life has come to a screeching halt and everyone else's is just going along. I remember being in the grocery store and watching people picking out bananas and thinking WTF? My husband just died and you are just standing there picking out bananas? As if a stranger in the grocery store had any knowledge of whats going on in my life. All the friends that "will be there for you" seem to disappear. Like widowhood is catching. Even worse women who think you will be after their husbands, really? It does change your address book as they say, some just don't know what to do so they do nothing. I found  support in the most unusual, unexpected places. Eventually you may have different friends all together. A good place to call to find out about a grief support group is your local hospice. Many also have grief counseling. Not just related to terminal illness but loss from any reason. Also soaring spirits international has regional groups, camp widows, and an online component. There is church based programs, I think one is call grief share, maybe there is one in your area. Check meetups.com some have grief group.

 

As for your son, my son was 15. I think the most helpful thing I did was tell him that I was going to be sad and cry a lot BUT no matter what we are going to be OK. Now of course I felt like I was completely lying at that point but he needed to hear that. He accepted that answer and I think it gave him reassurance that even though his dad died we will make it what ever that means.  Now two years later he's doing well. It sounds selfish but teens kind of think how is this going to effect me? Also I find he is very protective and secretly worries about what would happen if I died. I talked to him about that and he seemed relieved, mom has it under control.

 

Remember to take some deep breaths, drink water, eat regular, sleep and shower when you can. At this point its one moment at a time.

[luvmy2babies]

I can?t really add anything to what has been said except to say yes it is all normal.  I hated that feeling like I was frozen while the rest of the world went on; but it is again completely normal.  I had one friend who said, I may not be around much right now; but I'll see you in a couple of weeks when all the folks around you now have disappeared.  That hit the nail on the head.

 

I am sorry for your husband?s passing.  I know you will find comfort and support here.

 

[jlp]

Ditto, ditto, ditto!  I was flabbergasted to learn how common "abandonment" is with widowhood.  It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I felt less like a loser.

 

All good suggestions here and I found a grief counselor to be helpful.  (I think local hospice is a good place to start.)  They can tailor help to your specific situation.  For example, I lived alone in a semi-rural area and wasn't working, no family nearby, so my counselor suggested I go out every day, even if it was just to mail a letter or get some milk.  And some days, that was all I could manage.  But making myself get up and get dressed every day was a good thing.

 

As always, everyone's situation is unique, but you get the idea.

 

And yes, it sucks, but as they say -- it's not you, it's them!

[serpico]

I'm with you on the 'abandonment', but let me caution you about something there...

 

Try not to get consumed with hatred/dislike/loathing for those that have abandoned you.  Obviously they are not going through anything like you are, but they are also in uncharted waters, and I found it best to give them some slack.  Plus, carrying around a grudge doesn't help the grudge-holder, it just makes for a bitter person.  And you've been damaged enough the way it is.  Good luck.

[Needytoo]

I also don't have too much I can add.  Just go one day at a time.  Everyone is here for you. 

 

You and your kids are in my prayers.

[Catnip]

I'm sorry.

Come here. I'm listening.

~Catnip

[lcoxwell]

I will be perfectly honest. I live thousands of miles away from my family and closest friends, so I had to reach out for a support system. When I was feeling abandoned and alone, I would call friends and family, making sure to switch up who I was calling, so no one person had to sit and listen to me all the time. While on the phone, I tried to keep a balance between talking about me and asking questions about them. I also put time limits on my calls, so I could be sure I wasn't taking up too much of their time.

 

Another thing I did was to make myself get out of the house, for something other than work or errands, at least one time a week. I joined a coworker and his friends for a concert at the local historical society, went to see the high school play, went out to eat, went to outdoor concerts, etc. If I did not feel like a big crowd, I would ask my teaching assistant to meet me for ice cream. The important thing was, I was getting dressed and out of the house. I was exploring my community, which could potentially lead to new interests or friendships.

 

There weren't any support groups for young widows in my area, and the only local support group I could find met during the days, while I was at work. Fortunately, I found online support through YWBB, which has since shut down, but lead the way for this wonderful site. In all honesty, the wisdom and support I have found from this community of people has helped me more than any other one thing I could have done. By coming here to read and post, I have learned that crying in the drive thru at Burger King (or anywhere else) is perfectly normal, along with every other emotion and anxiety attack I have experienced. Me. Normal. Who knew?

 

In all seriousness, you will find yourself dealing with a great deal of loneliness and isolation, because your partner in life is now gone. No one, and no amount of activities, will ever fill that void. I agree with Serpico, though. Try not to dwell on feelings of abandonment. Try to cut others a little slack. Allowing those negative feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc. to consume you will only hurt you, in the long run.

[calimom]

You've received some good advice here, as well as some not so good feedback.

 

It may feel as though you've been abandoned by your friends and community, but that's likely not so.  Your pastor probably had a holiday planned before your husband's untimely death - you'll still need him in the future and he'll be there for you.  Your friends and neighbors who were on the scene last week are giving you space because they know your mother and daughters are there for you, which is true, right?  In time, they'll reach out to you or you'll reach out to them.  Everyone is trying to figure out the new normal here.  You will be surprised by the kindness and support that will come your family's way.

 

Your son is concerned about the future, and rightly so. He is not your enemy.  Reassure him that you're going to be OK, but right now you're all going through a terrible transition.  You're going to show him that you're stepping up to head-of-household status.  It may not be tomorrow or next week or next month, but you're going to prove that you have inner strength and will tackle household issues, financial issues and be the confident woman that you are.

 

In the meantime, go easy on yourself and those around you.  Allow yourself the time to grieve and take care of your fragile self.

[canadiangirl]

Hi jodiwitz, I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to the right place. This is a good network and people are going to offer you advice and views based on their own experience and perspectives.  Personally, I don't think there is any good or "not so good" feedback/advice- things were different for all of us.  They do say that in widowhood your address book changes, and that was the case for me and some others.  I liked an article from the New York Times called "The Art of Presence" http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0 because it describes how people sometimes react in the face of tragedy experienced by their friends.  In my experience it was true that there were firefighters- people there in the crisis but who left shortly thereafter- and the builders, who were there for the duration, and who are still there as I rebuild my life.  There are very few of the latter, but I try to cherish them and seek them out.  I am terrible at asking for help but it may be necessary for you to do so, including with your pastor, when he returns from his I'm sure well-deserved vacation.  Take this time to "turtle" and regroup.  Keep going!  Best of luck to you and your family. 

[donswife]

just know reaching out here is a good way to know you are not alone

I am so sorry you have to be here

I do agree making sure you try and go out even for the mail etc did help

and breathe was great advise, I would sometimes be reading on this site and notice I was almost holding my breath

so I would make sure I took deep breathes to try and relax my extremely tense and sad body

and I did find a support group that was a good , only 5 of us but just to be in a room with people who know how hard this is was

helped a lot

take care

[jodiwitz]

Thank you ALL for the expressions of sympathy and advice. I'm so thankful to have found this place, as it's my only outlet right now. I've told my mom the same things over and over again, I just hate to keep piling it on her.

 

My pastor did have his vacation planned before my dh's death, but he also said he'd give me some resources before he left. My daughter also asked the chaplain who was at the hospital with us for resources, and we've yet to hear back from him. I've emailed a few churches and asked people on Facebook for resources and got results for the future.

 

I feel like I fell through the cracks.  It seems like everything and everyone started acting out as soon as dh died. The alarms on his truck kept going off, so I had to have a friend disconnect the battery. The dishwasher quit draining and then wouldn't clean properly.

 

I know we'll be ok eventually. I think my kids here at home need me to be in charge right now and I've explained to them several times that I need to take baby steps to get there.  It doesn't help when I fall apart trying to decide what's for dinner. 

[Max2507]

We survived on cereal, sandwiches, frozen pizzas and eating out the whole first year.

[Trying]

The first year more things broke, every lightbulb in the house needed to be replaced at least twice, and each little thing felt like the end of the world.  Decisions? Nope couldn't make any.  Right now your job is to survive.  Keep reassuring your kids (and yourself) that you will be strong and in control but you need some time. 

 

I'm sorry people seem to be stepping away.  Sometimes it's because they just don't know what to do.  Right now you barely know what someone can do for you to be able to ask. Reach out to a select few you think you can count on, but you will be surprised who steps up and who doesn't, it usually not who you think.

 

We are all here for you, we get it, and you can repeat yourself a million times and no one will care.

[Wheelerswife]

You are expecting a lot of yourself!  Don't be afraid to just let yourself grieve. And you certainly don't need to be taking care of anyone else old enough to be on their own!  I don't even think I would have been able to use any resources give to me this early in the process. Some people become voracious readers and there are a lot of books on grief. You have people here. Ask questions. Go into the chat room or even just ask if someone is available to go there and chat with you. Sometimes, we need to do the uncomfortable job of asking people directly for what we want and need. I found this particularly helpful after my second husband died. I asked people to stop by and visit me. Once I gave them permission to stumble over their words with me, we truly had some great conversations. I got them to talk about my husband and tell me things that I didn't know.

 

As old member Ann E would say, be gentle with yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen