One of the things I miss most

[PhotoJunkie]

My hubby could build anything.  He had a knack for being able to listen to my problem and then build the solution.  He got it from his uncle who also could build and has built just about everything including an airplane

 

So here I am in my new, very boring sterile, apartment.  Im trying to find ways to give it a personality without involving too much work like painting, fixing holes etc.  The wall color in this place is horrid.  Im used to color on the walls and my decorations/keepsakes are all done with that in mind.  So now they all just blend into the wall instead of standing out.  I am allowed to paint but have to primer back so Im trying to avoid painting 

 

Found this awesome idea for a wall feature that will allow me to also decorate easily.  If I did it the way the idea calls for, its a lot of money.  Already in my head I can see it built for way less from home depot   now had the man been here, I would have told him and eventually it would be done   Here its just me.  I think I can do it.  I think I can figure it out and put it together with no issues, but I'm having a 2 year old moment.  I don't want to.  I don't want to have to do it myself.  I want him to do it.  I want to hear him swear when it doesn't go quite right at first.  I want the argument over my idea vs reality.  I want the jokes over body parts being at certain appropriate levels while hanging said object and how I should be doing my job   I want the excitement of watching what I see in my head come to life by his hands.  I want his smile when its all over cause he was proud to be able to build it for me and enjoy my excitement. 

 

Instead I have me.  which I guess should be enough, but at this moment in time its not.  I have all his tools, but that doesn't mean I know how to use them the way he did.  There won't be any jokes, but probably plenty of swearing at a higher octave.  and even though I can probably pull it off, the excitement won't be the same.  He truly was a genius at this type of thing.  It always amazed me that he could do this sort of thing without any real hardship.  It came easily to him and I was spoiled for so many years by it. 

 

Off to put away more stuff while I debate the project in my head.

 

Please feel free to share the things you miss about your love.  I like hearing the stories.

[MrsT85]

I miss my concert buddy and musical discussion partner.

 

Tim was so enthusiastic and so knowledgeable and so smart and so articulate (often tending towards pedantic ) when it came to music, our primary shared passion. We looked forward to the weekend-long summer music festivals like they were extravagant vacations. Concerts were like holidays. The first "cruise" to listen to an album in the car was an event unto itself. I felt like being with him both kept me sharp and helped me be so much cooler than I would have been otherwise. I just loved the person he helped me be.

 

Now without him, I've felt that favorite part of myself atrophy. New Guy is great, and he and I have a lot in common that Tim and I didn't, but he certainly lacks that fierce and wonderful music loving streak. And without a partner to share this passion with, I feel myself getting more out-of-touch, less informed, just overall more dead inside when it comes to what used to be a very strong and important driving passion.

 

And because I know that shift is all my own fault - I *should* be able to carry on and make him proud - it just leads to me mental self-flagellation. I liked the Wife-of-Tim version of me so much more than the Widow-of-Tim version...

 

[Trying]

I too miss having a handy guy around the house.  I miss having someone to collaborate with, to bounce ideas off of, to tell me what is practical and what is too costly or crazy to do.  Getting ready to sell and move myself I am having a lot of 2 year old moments thinking that he should be handling issues with inspections and lawyers while I pack, unpack and decorate.  I should be picking paint colors while he gets the utilities transferred.  We should be laying in bed at night planning and dreaming about our new adventure together.

 

I miss the swearing, the dirty and sweaty way he got when working on a house project. The pride he had when it was done and he knew I was happy.

 

Good luck with your project and making your new place feel homey.  There is a certain satisfaction in knowing you can do it yourself, even if you hate that you have to. 

[ieh21]

I miss having a dedicated problem-hasher-outer. We were phenomenal at resolving any problem, small or large, practical or emotional, because of the constant back-and-forth and lengthy discussions about everything. Every time I have to solve something now, I think of that gift we could share and how much closer that brought us.

 

On a very practical level, I really miss someone keeping me at the forefront of IT. My house is now almost at some antediluvian analog level. I've kept up nothing. To the point where I need a new home computer because the operating system is so antiquated and hasn't been updated for so long that the hardware can no longer accommodate newer OSs. I know and appreciate just enough about IT that I loved being an early-adopter but not enough to be able to do that myself. Would he have bought an AppleWatch?

[donswife]

My husband Don was also an amazing handy man , together we rebuilt our 100 year old house

putting in a new kitchen and master bedroom and bath

well "we" was him I mostly did grunt work and clean up,

he didnt even really need plans said it was all in here (pointing to his head)

he was an amazing craftsman and I mean he could do everything from plumbing to electrical

he made it look effortless

but what i miss most was how much fun and laughs we had doing it together

god how i miss that

good luck with your project and thanks for starting this post

[rifatheroffour]

PJ,

 

I am missing the exact opposite of what you are missing...

[SoVerySad]

PJ, I'm sorry that your husband can't be here to create your wall unit for you. Your post made me think about what I miss most about my husband. Unlike your husband, T wasn't as gifted in building things. Once we bought a square wooden picnic table with 4 bench seats that needed assembled. We laid out all the pieces and realized we had no directions (years ago before an internet search might have saved us). We spent hours assembling and reassembling. He was very patient, so we just kept doing trial and error until we finally got it assembled correctly. When we flipped the picnic table up to sit it up, we were surprised to find the directions taped to the top side on the table top (unseen when we were searching). Many men might have been angry, instead we laughed and laughed at ourselves.

 

That is what I miss - the laughter. Since T has been gone, it feels like I'm missing an essential nutrient - laughter. He was the most fun person I've ever known. Damn, I miss those laughter-filled days.

 

I hope you can make your new place feel more like home.

 

Hugs...

 

 

[lcoxwell]

I would have to agree with SVS, that I miss the laughter, most of all. My Kenneth could laugh like no other, and if there wasn't something to laugh at, he would make up something - telling stories from his childhood, teasing with the kids, or making up inappropriate lyrics to songs. When he was laughing, he would draw people to him. If we were in a restaurant, he would pour on the charm for the waitresses. If we were in a doctor's office, he would reach over and grab my hand. If we were at home, he would be calling the kids in to joke with, or he would be picking up the phone to share the humorous thought with a family member. His smile could light up a room, his dimples would shine, and his eyes would twinkle with mischief. I really, really miss that.

[Virgo]

I miss our unspoken language. The inside jokes. Quoting from movies and songs. We could just look at each other a certain way and essentially have an understanding as to what the other was thinking. The laughter, fun, and of course the affection.

[canadiangirl]

The sparkle in his eyes on his good days.  His voice.  His brain. 

[injo]

Oh yes, what Virgo said, I sometimes say a quote of us(without thinking) to someone else and then I realize they don't understand.....

 

Sharing our memories

[BrokenHeart2]

Being held and kissed by him. Awe fuck, just everything. There are too many tiny daily things to mention.

[DansSoulmate]

I agree there are just too many things I miss to list, but mostly it's the amazing loving partnership and connection we had for such a long period of time.  I especially miss trying out new things and laughing/having a story to tell when it didn't quite work out.  I also miss quiet moments just being in the same room, not saying a word but having his presence here.  And, lately I miss the constant flurry of activity in his shop and how dead the building feels (unrecognizable actually) as there is only one last piece of equipment left and it will get a new home on Saturday.  On Saturday it will be 9 months for me and I can hardly believe it as there have been so many changes to deal with and more to come.

[Guest nonesuch]

I miss our unspoken language. The inside jokes. Quoting from movies and songs. We could just look at each other a certain way and essentially have an understanding as to what the other was thinking. The laughter, fun, and of course the affection.

 

Shortly after LH died, I went to the warehouse club.  One bored employee had taken the shopping carts and arranged them into a perfect arc in the entryway.  I would have been turning to LH to say, "Look Hon, they're circling the wagons!" except of course he wasn't there.

 

What I miss is that we tend to see people as we first met them.  To him, I was forever 28 years old.  No one will ever see me like that again. As I type that out, it sounds vain, I know.  Being middle-aged is not for the faint of heart.  It's hard being invisible.

[Wheelerswife]

For the last 24 hours, I've been staying with John's most enduring and dearest friends.  They knew him since he was about 20 and entering college and those tumultuous years and they've known him through 3 marriages.  They know I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  They are probably the one best connection I have to my husband - people who knew the real person inside and not just the professor or researcher or other aspects that some people knew.  I slept last night in the room we always shared when we stayed here, where we would quietly make love and talk about the love and acceptance in this house...how we could fully be at home here.  Yesterday, I drove past his home city of Milwaukee.  We were last here about 2 weeks before his sudden death.  We had toured the city and stopped in various specialty shops...like a store that sold only ink pens.  John bought a $175 pen...because he wanted something of good quality, and he wanted to stop being a part of the throw-away society that we have.  Buy quality...and keep it and use it well.  He was so conscientious about so many things...is that just one thing I miss most?  Damn.  There are so many, and being here is just kicking up memories for me.  Xanax is a good thing....because my anxiety gets kicked up when I think of all I have lost with his death.

 

Maureen

[Lisa]

(((Maureen)))

[Baylee627]

Missing:

 

Brooks, his deep voice bellowing, "Hey, Sugar Machine," each evening upon arriving home.

 

Brooks dialing me incessantly while I was out and about--just to check on me. (And to think I was ever aggravated by this. Stupid woman).

 

Brooks, trying and failing, to stealthily fetch my Saturday morning coffee and banana bread, and then laying beside me, chattering away, while I ate.

 

Brooks, eyes twinkling, right eyebrow arching, and hands gesturing wildly as he regaled someone with a story.

 

Brooks, and his big ol' heart, who couldn't pass by a person in need and not (quietly) help them.

 

Brooks, sitting opposite me on the cold tile bathroom floor, eyes focused on mine, talking me down from a panic attack.

 

Brooks, finding reasons to smile no matter what the doctors expressed.

 

Brooks, firmly clasping my hand in his, everywhere we went.

 

Brooks. Just, Brooks.

 

Baylee

[DonnaP]

I miss playing golf with Mick. Yesterday, as I was driving to the course to play in a tournament with my cousin, my breath caught in my throat. I just missed Mick so, SO much. We had so many wonderful times on the golf course... I miss seeing his amazing swing, hearing his complimentary remarks and sharing a beer on the course...

[BrokenHeart2]

He used to bring me a coffee and kiss in bed every morning. One of those many tiny moments. Sigh

[mmg19]

I miss the team work.  The calming influence.  The board to bounce off my ideas.  Thinking outside the box now I truly miss his honesty.  When I knew I needed to take off a few pounds and friends and family would never tell me, he had the honesty to say in a kind way the truth. 

[lcoxwell]

Today, I just miss everything.  :'(

[DansSoulmate]

This week I'm missing how he could handle things with so much more grace than the lunatic I become under stress and intense pressure.  It's the kind of maturity I hadn't ever encountered and it's becoming painfully obvious now how rare that is to have that kind of confidence from an early age.

[Jen]

I miss his presence-- he was calm, he was safe, he made me feel secure no matter what was going on. He was so big, and he made me feel small-- in a good way-- and protected. I miss his wicked sense of humor, his terrible puns, his gorgeous blue eyes. I miss writing stories with him, brainstorming through writer's block with him (ask me about the Squerrits sometime!), laughing with him. I miss playing Star Wars: The Old Republic and watching Night Court and Star Trek and Third Rock from the Sun and The Fairly Odd Parents (he was a huge fan, said it was Stockholm Syndrome from when my 4-year-old was obsessed and they watched it every day). I miss having someone to talk to, night and day. Someone to rub my back when I can't sleep. Someone to snuggle and someone to-- well, you know. I miss being touched. I miss being loved.

 

I miss being free from this soul-deep loneliness that will never, never go away.

 

Edited to add: it seems sort of appropriate that this is my 500th post on this board. Thanks for being here. <3

[Captains wife]

I miss my husband's smile - it always lit up a room and he always saw the positives, for the most part. When I was cranky after work, he would make me laugh and hand me a glass of wine. Also, although it drove me a little crazy at the time, I miss having someone in my life that really, really cared about me and our child. He used to check in with me every day, a few times a day - when we started dating, when living together, when married. Admittedly there are things I also dont miss, but these days I dont focus on them....

[hikermom]

I miss my husband's positive energy. He was the cheerleader in the group - the one who got us up and moving. He'd be the first one out the door in a snowstorm yelling "there are no friends on powder days" and then proceed to wait up for his slow-skiing wife on the slopes. He'd get us out and hiking or biking. He was the one that overcame the torpor on the weekends.

 

I miss knowing someone has my back - no matter what I knew he'd be there for me and our daughter. He had a calm head in a crisis, he would do anything for someone he loved.

 

I miss his hands - beautiful hands. His legs - sexy, beautiful legs. His eyes - full of love and light.

 

I miss his goofy way of making up lyrics to songs - I don't know how he did it but he was genius that way. He was a horrible dancer but it cracked us up when he'd dance. I miss feeling safe, like I did when he'd hold me at night.

 

So many things - big and small - that I miss. Other things, like CaptainsWife says, I don't miss but even those are important to remember because it fleshes out the whole man - not just some glorified version that I have in my head. He'd drive me crazy (a lot) with his messiness, his workaholic nature, his ability to take off and exercise for hours leaving me to deal with stuff around the house and getting DD ready for school or bed. But he was human, with flaws, and I even miss those.