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Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said

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On my Shit List:

 

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast

2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.

3. Anyone else??

 

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

 

Baylee

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I think my all time favorite was when I found out I was pregnant with a girl and I started telling people. So this person says, "Oh, thank God you are having a girl. It's too hard to raise a boy without a father."

 

My reply, "Oh yea because daughters never care if they have a daddy or not."

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Ugh.  Haven't they ever heard of "daddy's girl" , "mamas boy"??  regardless of the sex, children need their father.  I'm so sorry they were so insensitive. At some point, people should learn that sometimes less is more and if you are at a loss for words just don't say anything. sheesh.

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I went to a funeral today. It was for a man my husband knew for years through business and after my husband died he made a point to let me know I could call him for advice or help and when I did he was really great. It was the first funeral since my husbands and in a funeral home where my sister's service was 23 years ago. Needless to say I was unnerved. I am waiting to talk to his longtime partner and the lady in front of me is talking to her and says "oh what finally got him diabetes or heart disease?" I honestly wanted to punch her in the back of the head.

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I had to pipe in on this one. I went to go get my hair done the other day. I sold my house the year before after I was widowed and couldnt afford to keep it. But a very nice young couple had purchased it. My hairdresser introduced me to the young couples parents. They were polite enough, until the mother asked me if I had children. It took me a moment to collect myself and say yes I do but one recently died. I kid you not..the husband piped in and asked do you have other children? I said yes and without missing a beat he says well good, at least you still have two. I wanted to punch him in the throat.

 

Cyndi

 

That has to be the worst thing a person could say to a grieving parent.  I'm so sorry you were subjected to that insensitive idiot.

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Death is better than divorce. 

 

Work mate:  We never wanted to work with someone who spouse died.  (Best conversation I had with that person the whole time I was working there)

 

Work mate normally just looked at me then left not even saying hi or bye. 

 

Always a favorite:  You should be over it.  Over it, are you joking, how do you get over death but with death itself?  Remember this was and still is the love of my LIFE!

 

 

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My brother--Bubby--called to see how my Easter went down today with my in-laws.

 

I said: It was painful, tearful.

 

Bubby: (audible and disgusted exhale), oh my gawd, seriously? At some point the tide should turn and days like today should be fun. When are you going to move on?

 

I fiercely lurve my Bubby, but the guy just only recently refrained from drunk dialing his widowed sister on the regular, and still has a proclivity for ordering up his next decade younger, one-night stand on an iPhone app.

 

But *I'm* the one with an attachment issue. Mmm-kay....

 

Baylee

 

 

 

 

 

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^^^ You wouldn't, uh, happen to have the name of that app, would ya? It's for a friend...  :o

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Guest Questions

I'll never forget the day my husband was diagnosed as terminal (a week after we were told his cancer was 100% curable) The nurse shouted "Have a nice day!" to us as we were leaving the hospital.

 

So I was wheeling DH to the car, tears streaming down my face & this lady walking in the other direction says "What's wrong?" I said: We got some bad news.. & she says "Oh, well.. the sun is out!"

 

wtf??

 

 

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2 weeks after DH died my youngest brother called and I told him I was having a hard time. He told me ' well, it's time to just get on with it'. Yup really what an ahole. I told him it's going to take a bit longer. Major DGI and so are the rest of my siblings and many 'used to be' friends.

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Oh dear, this is too much... Whaaaa, some people really do need a slap in their face....

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I think when these comments hurt the worst is the intention behind them. We've all got these. The comments that are easier to blow off are the ones that come from people who are uncomfortable but mean well. Those I don't even remember anymore. But these two are the ones I'll never forget....

 

At a party for my in-laws a year maybe after LH died, I was telling this man who I was... daughter-in-law of their son who died a year ago. He asked how he died, and I said cancer. His reply, "What did you Do to him?" followed by laughter at his insanely funny joke. I was too stunned and all I could do was walk away.

 

A few days after the funeral, my parents were leaving to go back to the States. The last thing my mom said to me as I'm sitting in LH's chair in my bathrobe still in shock was... "You. Need. To. Get. Your. Act. Together." then just grabbed her suitcase and left. To this day she has no idea how much that hurt me and still does. It felt more like desertion.

 

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You're right. The intention behind them, and who they come from.  Because like in your example, You need to get your act together, coming from your mother, one of the people you would have hoped would support you the most, hurt way more than a stranger saying you need to get your act together. So even sometimes the actual thing that is said isn't what makes it cruel or insensitive but Who said it.  My mom has been widowed twice, the first time she was like 35 years old with two small children so she should SO get it. But she doesn't.  She's one of the meanest people in my life.

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"Are those his shoes?"

"Yes", most of them"

"Are those his clothes in the closet?"

"Yeah, there are a few more on the other side as well"

"You really need to pack those up"

 

 

... Excuse me?

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I had a long term friend of both D and mine say to me shortly after D's death. "Wow... yeah, sucks to be you."

 

A friend's husband said: "I'll bet he was really scared right before the accident."

                                        "Are you going to sell his boat?"

                                          After taking it upon himself  to check out D's unorganized workbench and tools:

                                                " Wow, D always was a slob!!"                               

 

My brother's gems: "Stop making this all about you."

                                "Throw his shit away.Get on with life!!"

                                "Other people survive this; look at Katie Couric!"

                                  I don't know why this is so hard; at  least you have some money!"

 

At the funeral at acquaintance said: "Gee, I didn't realize his hair had gotten so grey! He was only 50!"

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kjs....wow. Katie Couric huh?  How incredible dense some people can be ... and coming from someone who is family and supposed to love you; just makes me shake my head.

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Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

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Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

 

Ugh. Ranks right there with what I've gotten from wids and nonwids: "Well, at least you didn't have kids." Yeah, that factor does make everything waaaay easier to deal with. (Strangely enough, six years hasn't been quite enough to resolve the missing him AND the kids we should have had together AND the decade of infertility we struggled with. Guess I'm not doing things correctly.)

 

I've not been able to really ferret out if it's meant kindly or as a minimizer. *shrug*

 

 

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The first few months, I got a lot of "OMG, I can't even imagine it." Ok, so it's fellow humans musing. Years later, I get that. But at the time, I thought to myself, shit, I don't have to imagine, I'm living it. And you're secure from this happening to you? What this comment made me feel was alienated from the rest of humanity.

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I don't have the most outrageous comment to report.  What's most surprising is who said it to me.  It was the facilitator of my widow support group!

 

I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work.  I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that:

  • The first place I went each day was to visit Catherine's grave (this is still true)
  • I stayed at home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I didn't want to talk to other people (no longer true).
  • When I did leave the house, I made sure I was well-dressed in slacks and a sport jacket (also no longer true).  People were more polite to me because of that.

I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group

 

    Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does?

 

I thought it was a stupid remark.  It wasn't the last one I heard from her.  She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness.  I stopped going there around February or March.  I now have something better to do on that night of the week.

 

Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them?

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

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This past Sunday, DD and I went to home of my wife's parents for Sunday dinner (as we do most weeks). I was talking with my wife's dad about her and our memories, and he said "I hope you never do forget about her."

 

Now, these are good people that I love, and I was just caught off-guard by this comment. I know that he always wants his daughter to be remembered, but really, WTF?

 

 

Probably the most insensitive thing is what my mother has said to me: nothing. She last called me in January to invite me out to eat for my birthday. I already had plans, and couldn't go on the night she suggested. I last saw her on Thanksgiving, even though we live in the same town.

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Guaruja,

I wore nice clothes for awhile out in public too.  It helped me not feel as bad and others would not look at me like I was as much of a miss as I truly was.  So it helped. 

 

The other day I was chatting with a new deaf friend.  When I told her my Love died she asked if I was really married and that my Love really died. I showed her pictures of me wedding to prove it.

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The day of the wake, as I was sitting outside of the room with my husbands cold body in it. A distant relative said:

"Did you have any children?"

"No"

"Well, you never know, you might have a surprise bun in the oven"

 

I don't know why she thought in this time of shock it would be a great thing to learn that I am suddenly pregnant by my now deceased husband

 

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Guest nonesuch

I try like heck not to infer unkind meanings from ham-handed comments.  Most of the people around me mean well, and I suspect (this is what I choose to believe, I guess) are scared s---less at the prospect of losing a spouse.

 

For me:  an acquaintance invited me over for dinner. When I got there, instead of having dinner made, we went out to a chain restaurant. During dinner she spent an hour showing me her prospective dates from E Harmony on her iPhone.  It was four days after LH died.

 

I wasn't even sad, just stunned at her insensitivity. Researcher Nonesuch was surfaced, and we continued with dinner, just waiting to see if she would EVER catch herself and say, "OHG! I'm sorry."  She never did.  As I said, she was an acquaintance, not a friend.

 

In truth, SHE was the one who helped formulate my philosophy about why many people are uneasy around widows.  I had worked with her for several years, and she was unhappily divorced.  When she spoke of having a partner, it was always about how someone would be watching out for her, be there for her, etc.  I doubt it has entered her consciousness yet that she would be a caretaker for someone instead o the other way around.

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This lil gem, courtesy of my "bestie". File this under, #shitpeoplesaytowidows.

 

"If I were you, I'd move to the beach--like maybe Hawaii-- and get a beach house and I'd spend my days working from my laptop, outside. That would be sooo nice. Wouldn't you love that?"

 

Apparently, being widowed equates with having been freed up to live the life you've only ever dreamed about, at the beach.

 

(Sneer).

 

Baylee

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