Jess

(((Aspen 530))) I am so sorry for your loss. Since you have the need, I am so glad you found us. All of us have sat in your shoes- 8 days out and no idea how to live life. Right now, your responsibilities in your incredibly complicated life are very simple. Keep breathing, drink lots of water, try to eat, and sleep when you can. Life right now is minute by minute, hour by hour. Let the people that love you take care of you. I recently passed one year. In fact, it will be one year and one month in two days from now. I remember thinking it was impossible I could ever make it a month, much less a year and a month. I have been reflecting a lot on what I would tell myself when I first suffered the loss of my husband. Besides what I have already said, here is what I would have wanted myself to know: 1. Time does eventually speed up again. It is not always going to be an excruciating wait for each hour to pass. 2. Things will be tough, but you are tougher. This does not mean you will not be overwhelmed and feel hopeless sometimes or even most of the time, but it does mean you can survive these feelings, get up the next morning and do it all over again so you give yourself the chance to get to a point where it becomes easier to do it. 3. Laughter is okay. A George Bernard Shaw quote I had placed on my husband's funeral program really spoke to me: "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." 4. Sometimes you just have to stay in bed, and that is okay. 5. There is no wrong way to process this grief other than self harm. 6. Do not let anyone rush you in your grief, especially yourself. The person you loved so deeply deserves to be mourned. Post as often as you want or need to do so. We are here and you are not alone. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

Have you ever tried reading about lucid dreaming techniques? Essentially, it is a way to be aware you are dreaming and even exercise some control over those dreams. I had a friend years ago that was plagued with night terrors and practicing lucid dreaming techniques helped him a lot.

Wearing the same pajamas I went to bed in last night and have fired up the xbox to play Elder Scrolls online. I didn't feel like leaving the house today so I ordered pizza and a sub. The pizza was lunch, the sub is dinner. Stand back people, you don't want to get burned by my hotness! PS: Sending good thoughts to MS and Jen. So, so sorry for your losses.

That is a tough one. When my first dog I had as an adult died, I swore I couldn't go through the heartbreak again and would get no more dogs. Now, somehow my husband passed and I am left with 4(!!!) dogs. Here is how the first of those four came to be in my house. Three days after my first dog passed, my mom called and said their was a lady at her school that had the same breed of dog but that she couldn't find a home for her and was going to have to take her to pound. That tugged at my heartstrings and I told LH. He said we needed to at least meet her. So, we set up a meet at a park seven days after putting my first dog down. The new dog bit my husband's hand and fear pooped on him. Obviously, he was instantly in love and she joined our family. It is funny that was how she acted because now she is the sweetest, most docile cuddler ever. So, is it too soon? Maybe. But it unexpectedly worked out for me so I figured I would share my story.

Oh no... I am so sorry.

If you want this thread stickied or want to make a new thread for your discussion once you get started and want it stickied, let us know. This is a brilliant idea!

I can't even think of what to say... (((hugs)))

This! Thank you for wording that the right way.

As part of some dramatic and stressful work org changes, they are flattening out my department which means I am losing my direct reports. Luckily, it does not change my pay. So the bright side in this is one of my employees was told me I was the best manager he has ever had, which a year of those three years was post losing DH. I got warm fuzzies.

He and I worked together and there have been so many juicy changes going on that I wish I could tell him about it and hear his reactions. That feeling has been so acute lately so I get it. I've also had a lot of life change with my move and I want to know what he thinks about it. It is hard to have a sounding board for years and then poof! Gone.

Oh Jen, so very sorry.

Ugh, I know that feeling! Some days I feel I am doing really well and can nearly pass for normal and then a wave just washes over me. I try to have the perspective of it being better overall when I couldn't even imagine having any sort of good in my days, but it is not much comfort when I'm in thick of it. I'm am wishing you good days that are paired with good nights as well to come.

So very sorry.

Just ate way too much sushi and am now settling into a raw fish coma. Bloated is the new sexy.

I love, love, love the cape analogy. I may steal this to explain it to friends. Thank you!

I am in the neighborhood of your timeline as well- July 26 was my one year. I've been fragile these last few weeks. I try to tell myself it is stress from work as I had to take the stand at a trial and my department is undergoing a re-org and there is so much uncertainty, but I know that a lot of it may have to do with fallout from the one year. I am crying more often than I had been. I hate it.

I am so glad you posted this. I had been sleeping pretty good until about a month ago. I am back to multiple wake ups every night and nocturnal wandering around the house. I too have been having flashbacks of that night. For example, I had forgotten as I was laying in bed to go to sleep and DH was downstairs that the tv was volume was blaring. I was trying to decide whether to go downstairs to ask him to turn it down or if I would be lazy and just call him and ask him to turn it down. Then I heard him vomiting and ran downstairs. I keep fixating on the volume of the tv. Why was it so loud? Of all the things that do not matter and all the other things about his death I don't have answers on, why am I suddenly so fixated on the tv volume? I have no idea, but I wake up thinking about it. I can't give your perspective as to whether this will go away as I have the same question.

I'm a list girl, too. Something about making order out of chaos calms me. So I am going to give you my thoughts on each one of these fears. But first, yes, people are still sad over a year out because this situation is insane and horrible. But, even though we are sad, we keep going and keep trying. There are different time tables for everyone so try not to compare yourself to others. It is so easy to say "I'm not doing as good as this person, what is wrong with me?" or "I'm doing better than this person, am I screwed up and avoiding grief?" Unfortunately, there is no predicting how your journey will go, but never assume you will be one way or another. You don't want to create self fulfilling prophecies. I didn't want to be a new person, either. I railed against it. But, the sad truth was the moment my husband died without warning I was a new person and I had to make a decision as to who I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be kind and more patient. I wanted her to stop sweating the small stuff. I like to think I succeed more often than I fail at that, but who knows really? The truth is that the woman you are because of Dave is not going to fundamentally change into someone he wouldn't even like. You are just going to have a different outlook and perspective on things, but cherishing who he helped you become is part of his legacy. I couldn't even stomach the idea of ever even entertaining feelings for someone else in my lifetime, yet somehow it happened and super early, too. He is kind, smart, funny, and wonderful, but he is not Joe. And you know what? That is a good thing. What Joe and I had was so unique and special it would be a fool's errand to try recreate it. I can honestly say I do not consciously compare the two men I have loved in my life. They are themselves and we are us together. Both are great in different ways. I know it is hard, but try not to fixate on this. What will happen will happen and you may surprise yourself with how much your heart can grow. When Joe died, I remember being held by each arm by people and taken outside because I couldn't breathe. I kept repeating over and over again "I can't do this!" and they kept saying "Yes, you can." I thought they were insane. How do I function without my other half? How do I find the will to get up each day and get out of bed. I wanted no part of it. But, I knew one thing. I couldn't let Joe down. He would be devastated if his death caused me not to live the life I have. So I try every day and for me personally, some days are still a struggle but I am keeping on with putting one foot in front of the other. I found it amazing how I reconnected with some people and how the time I neglected their friendship for my marriage was water under the bridge. Keeping in touch is a two way street. They were living their lives, too. Don't discount people. They may get it, but also know some people cannot handle grief. You don't know unless you try. Well, this is often, but not always, true. I hate it, but a common side effect of being a young widow is the great friend exodus. I now have very few close friends, but the ones that stuck around are real, true friends. It hurts like hell when people leave, but hold onto the close ones and let them know you appreciate them. This is a normal reaction and it makes total sense why you feel this way. Essentially, the baby is a grief trigger for you. Maybe it will change over time, but if it gets to be too much you may want to just explain to your friend what her friendship means to you and how happy you are for her, but it is a little difficult for right now to see the pictures etc. and it doesn't mean you don't care, you may just need some time. Just a thought. I have four dogs and a turtle. One of the dogs was adopted by us the day before Joe died. It is going to be horrible dealing with each of them passing and I think about that more than I should, but it is what it is. You still have a choice as to whether you should be a bridesmaid or not. I think it is likely you agreed before Dave passed, so she may understand if you put it in the terms of you are scared you will cry and distract people unintentionally during her special day. If you decide to still do it, you can absolutely do this. Love is always worth celebrating, even when your own heart is so very broken. I just want you to know you have choice and she should understand. I just moved out of the house we shared for almost 8 years. I so get it. It sucks. There's just so many memories and moving is work that you don't probably feel you have the energy for. You can do this. I so wish you didn't have to, but you can absolutely do this. It is a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing it! I know my grief will always be a part of me. The absence of my husband is shaping much in the way his presence did. My hope is that as time continues to pass, I will be able to focus more on gratitude that for a while, I was the most important person in the world to him and he was that to me. I think my heart will always carry the weight of his absence, but I think I always will become better at carrying that weight. For now, just keep breathing.

My husband didn't have a will either and it made things a bit hard when it came to my home, etc. I tell people that I am cautionary tale and that it is never too early to make a will. Good on you for getting it done.

I just passed a year a few weeks ago and what is really interesting to me is that memories keep coming back of him that are more and more vivid. It's little things like how he had oral surgery before I met him and was no longer able to snort so when he would try it was the silliest little wheezing noise. I had forgotten about that but yesterday it just popped into mind all of a sudden unprompted. For the first several months, I had a hard time remembering those sorts of little things, but when I would I would tell someone or jot it down so I was reinforcing the memory. I know it is scary to think you will forget, but I assure you it is all still there in your mind and anything that may be hazy will be back eventually.

You've got this and we are all behind you. You are a fixture in my thoughts and I am sending you all the strength I can.

I had a hard time at 9 months. I tend to get into my head and over-analyze and I had to wonder if that particular time frame felt more significant because of a pregnancy lasting 9 months? Like he had been gone as long as it would take for life to emerge? I don't know, but I remember that one being a very low point for me.

I wonder if it is common for others to feel like the name doesn't fit any more regardless of whether they followed through with the change or not. I had never heard someone voice discomfort with the married surname, so I am glad you mentioned it. If I may ask, do you have contact with his family and if so, how did they feel about you going back to your maiden name?

I haven't considered changing my surname back to my maiden name, but I agree it does sting. I feel like I am faking it with his last name and not being married any more. I too had no children with him. But, I do not think I will change it unless I remarry. I think it is laziness about the paperwork.

No idea what to say about this new pile of crap in your life. Just thought I'd say I read it and both situations piss me off on your behalf.