Mrskro

Klim; I'm so sorry. Breakups suck especially when it seems for the most part you had a pretty good relationship. I agree with the others, breaking off contact seems like the way to go for now. See if he can figure his past out. Take care of you for now though. HUGS

MissingSquish; I have no advice, but I can relate and in my opinion its really shitty. My bestfriend lives 6 hours away and has drifted away as well. I'm not sure why people can't just be honest about what they are thinking or feeling. Hugs to you.

I'm a huge advocate of telling kids the truth. It always has a way of coming out. My husband's cousin committed suicide. His children have been able to use his story to help bring awareness to mental health issues and drug usage. For them, it helped them to bring some good out of a horrible death. Both girls have used their Dad's story as a way to help others. and for them it's been healing. But I agree with the others, if you don't feel its right then yes you should certainly say NO. Your cousins may not understand your position. They may feel they are honouring his memory and possibly helping others. It might help to explain to them how you feel about it.

First off, yeah! And I get it, that not quite knowing. Hope it works out for you This made me smile, my flirting skills are buried so deep I'm not even sure where to find them

iloveyoualways; First let me just say how much I admire you going back to school, I have so much respect for all of you that have managed that. Congrats on such a huge accomplishment. I completely understand that exhausted feeling. Solo parenting is hard. As for sending your son to the in-laws....even before my DH passed, my kids (at the time 6 &4) spent 3 weeks every summer split between my parents and my in laws. The kids loved it, the grandparents loved it. I think everyone needs a bit of time away from each other. You have accomplished so much! Hugs

@ Needy This made me laugh, I totally relate! Good luck!

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this! Hugs to you

StillWidowed, I have the same problem! thanks for the giggle though!

My kids have been very lucky (doesn't seem like the right word) about not really having to tell anyone. Our neighbours made sure the neighbourhood was notified and both their schools brought in counselors to notify their classes. My son's school had them in for a week as no one in his class had experience any sort of loss. We are very involved in our hockey leagues and baseball and all three leagues put out an email to notify everyone. This was really one of the first times he's had to flat out tell another child (that I know of). I think that's where I struggled, I felt so bad for the other boy and his parents.

Congrats Auntie!! Enjoy the snuggles!

Thank you all for your responses. This might be the toughest part for me....not having someone else to bounce thoughts off of, someone to say yeah this is the way we are going to deal with a situation. I appreciate your input.

Sorry this might be a bit long.... So, I got a call on Sunday from a Mom of a kid on my son's rugby team (my son is 13). Apparently, the boys were talking on Saturday during a day long tournament about where their dad's were. And this boy said to my son "does your dad work Saturday's too? Like mine? He's never here". Well my darling boy responds with "well no he's dead." The kid responds with " you're joking right" (I'm sure its because of the way my boy said it) So another boy that has known our family forever, my husband helped coach him chimes in with "Yep, his dad is dead" Needless to say the boy is upset thinking he upset my son. His parents are beside themselves because they didn't know and are so sorry their boy said anything and upset my son and how he shouldn't have said anything (The boy didn't know) My only response was it's fine. My son is fine. So I try and have a talk with the boy about an appropriate response to questions like this and having empathy for other people and their reactions. That he probably shouldn't just blurt it out like that and his response is "well Mom, he is dead." As a back story my kids have lost 3 grandparents, a great grandmother and their dad since 2012. The counselor says he's become desensitized to death. Don't get me wrong, he grieves, but I think he unfortunately at this young age just sees death as a part of life. I'm not sure if I should have another conversation with him, or let it go. Half the time I'm not sure how to tell people he passed away either. Am I making too big a thing? He's well adjusted, doing well in school, sports, friends etc.

Just Hugs; I completely get the kids running amok. My poor house looks like a tornado hit it as I was gone most of the weekend. Hopefully you get some quiet time.

A friend of mine is a contractor so he did the plumbing and electrical. I took out a closet and expanded my main bathroom so he did all of that. Moving plumbing is way over my head. I installed hardwood in my bedroom, guest room, main living room with my kids. We painted everywhere ourselves. I'd like to take a load bearing wall, between my and living room but it doesn't make sense. Financially. But I wouldn't do that. Myself. I did quite a bit by myself or with my contractors help. Most things were done together as a second set of hands helps with construction.

My husband passed away in our master bathroom, so I completely gutted my entire bathroom, room, closet everything had to go. I've now renovated the entire house. Top to bottom, the only thing left is the kitchen counter tops and main stairway carpeting which will happen shortly. I've now moved on to the outside. Ripped up the old front walkway (it had sunk about 4 inches) I'm not in a position to move so I've changed our house to mine. Not sure where I'm going to stop. I'm running out of projects.

Oh Honey; I get that pain, it feels so raw, devastating. I know the words don't really help, but the pain does lighten. Eventually it gets a little easier to breathe. Sending hugs to you!

Taurus; We have all found ourselves doing things we took for granted. I had to call a friend to ask how much gas to put into the gas can to fill the lawn mower . It was like a magical can, it just never ran out before. You've come to the right place, to share, to vent, to grieve. I completely understand living for your children. I lost my husband in Sept of 14. and I will admit 90% of what I do is still for them. Hugs across the ocean to you

So I've never shared my story, bits and pieces here and there but I'll add my two cents. Life is unfair and it sucks and if on a bad day I want to say it out loud then YEP I'M A WHINER. I lost my mother at 16, raised my 13 year old brother practically alone as my father had a nervous breakdown and couldn't cope. It took 2 years and meeting my step-mother to bring him out of it. In February 2012, my father had a massive heart attack, had a triple bypass, just as they closed him up, he arrested, one of the bypasses collapsed. He had to have another bypass. 12 hours later, he finally made it through surgery. There were complications, I ended up in a city 1 1/2 hours away for the better part of 3 weeks helping him in the ICU because my siblings are useless. June 2012, my father-in-law had a massive heart attack and was airlifted to a city nearby. I spent the better part of a month helping him in the ICU because my mother in law and husband couldn't face the hospital. He was sent back to his hometown hospital needing a bit of physio to get his mobility back. He passed in July 2 days after they brought him home. My mother in law, battled cancer for 7 years before passing in October of 2013. My grandmother slipped and fell in October of 2013, a scan showed bone cancer. There was nothing they could do. She passed November of 2013. Which brings us to Sept of 2014. I had come down with bronchitis, slept in the lazy boy in the living room so I could breathe. Woke to a loud crash, my DH has been to the grocery store for me, come home and was showering to get ready for work. I found him face down in our bathroom, barely breathing. I managed to get him turned over and out of the 5x5 room and performed CPR while on the phone with 911. I watched him die twice. The third time I was unable to get a pulse or breaths back. I'm trained in CPR, I knew he was gone. I have PTSD, I have anxiety, I have depression, I have nightmares where I relive it every damn night. I cannot take any medication as they cause extreme complications. I do not wake up every day and Happy thought make any of that go away. My father passed away in January of 2016. My brother and sister who couldn't be bothered with him in life are now fighting my step mother (of 23 years) over the will. Happy positive thought are not going to make that go away. My step mother had a seizure in 2015, brain cancer, they gave her 3 months to live. She's still alive thankfully but not for long. So, no, positive thinking, a good outlook will not make it any easier for my children to have deal with another death. Every grandparent they've ever known and their father. I am in no way belittling, or putting down a positive outlook on life. And that waking up and not dwelling on the bad doesn't help. But you can bet sure as shit, when I say life is unfair, and yeah I'm a bit jealous of some people. I am NOT ASHAMED. My children and I have lived through hell. and if on a bad day any one of us wants to say "this sucks and isn't fair" I'm pretty sure we've earned it. When I've only gotten 5 hours sleep and most of those were reliving my husband's death over and over again, I don't wake up and go oh yeah let's be depressed today. But saying "oh look the sun is shining let's be happy" isn't going to work either. When my son drops a book to the floor and I scream because my anxiety is so high, I don't ask for that either. So yeah I'm a whiner and proud of it!

Milojka I have two teenagers with me now, the 2nd one starts high school this year. I have a four year plan which involves selling everything and moving to a lake somewhere with a small cottage. I don't have in in me to go quite as extreme, but my vision is small, remote, gardens, solar panels. Good for you for following your path!

Tybec. That's awesome Congrats! It's nice to hear the stories where it works out!

I have no real words except what the hell is the matter with people? "my mother's health was more important than property to me" And this is what it comes down to for me health is more important than property. Hugs

I don't think either should necessarily come first. I like to think of it as a sliding scale. Sometimes one or the other will be the priority. My DS plays rugby, his games will almost always take priority, his practices not so much. His coach is a family friend, they live a block away he takes him to practices. My DD wanting me to give up a Friday night date night so she doesn't have to stay home and babysit....sometimes. If she's just going to sit at home anyway.... When everyone wanted me to pack up and move back home (3 hours away) when DH passed away, the kids definitely came first. They are thriving where we are, they have great friends, great lives. I won't uproot them. I'm lucky they are a bit older and I'm ok with staying here for a few years until they go off to University. My could be NG gets that, he has a daughter too, and won't move for the same reason. But then again we are just could be right now. We make it work. We would probably already be more if not for the long distance. And sometimes, I get to be a priority, send everyone out of the house, turn of the phone and take a bubble bath and read a book. Honestly, this was how my marriage was anyway. I think it's important for everyone's needs to be met. And it's sometimes a complete juggling act. For me, there is a balance between my kids knowing I will drop everything if they need me and I will always be at their beck and call. (I'm not sure I worded that right). I was having this discussion with a newly separated friend. They are struggling not seeing their kids every day. And I get that, I do. But I'm on the other end, I need time away from them. (is it wrong I'm sometimes jealous of their weekends off?) I think everyone does. That balance between their needs and ours.

It sucks that I forgot the get milk when I was at the grocery store and there was no one to call and ask to pick it up on his way home from work. It sucks that I have to get the oil changed, a recall done and a minor fix (that could take forever) and he's not here to drop the car off with me so I'm not stuck at the dealership forever. It really sucks that he's not here to have the "sex" talk with my 13 year old son. It sucks that my lawnmower is out of gas and so is the can to fill it and I've never filled one before. It sucks that my DD is doing a biology unit, dissecting a frog and my Dad the veterinarian just died, and she came home from school and said "really wish I could have talked to Papa about this!" This just sucks!

SVS; I can so relate to this, my DS graduates grade school this year. He's been trying to get out of going for weeks. (we are still a couple months away). I just keep going around in my head all the things they have to do without their Dad there to see. How unfair this is for all of us. "but I still really feel so cheated." This so much this!

CappysWidow; I didn't think of it as self destruction; more as my give a damn is broken. It's hard to care about work and the mundane day to day. The firsts were the hardest. My only advice is to do the things that need to get done. The rest can wait. Be kind to yourself. Many have found counselling helpful. This is a shitty road none of us asked for.