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Thank you all for your support. I have had every kind of emotion you can think of and I am packing, so emotional. I don't believe in coincidences. I am meant to be in this city. 5 1/2 yrs. since LH died. Signed on the house on the actual date of 5 1/2 yrs. Maybe this is my catalyst to change? Maybe NG will decide to go ahead with moving forward as it is only 12 minutes to the school at my new home. I have decided I of course, need to discuss things with him. I also have decided, as much as it may hurt if we do not work out, I will be okay. He is not my LH of decades. He is not there. My walls are still up some as it was long distance and not real. I know moving there makes it real. I had talked about us waiting a while before he would move in. He didn't want to wait long, though. It is just strange the timing. I don't know if I can do the dating thing without him being able to make a long term commitment. He has said it, but follow through has not happened. I don't doubt his love for me, but his children are first. I know this. I just wonder if at what point is it of of unhealthiness? When do you balance doing everything for your children and your own life? No right answer, but if he swings every time the ex does, won't he see she is still ruling him on some level? He said he argued in court to keep the kids in the school where he lived around the corner as she is on the career tract and he said she would likely move again, and here it is. She lives in the same district, so 10 minutes from home maybe. I understand her choices, but GEEZ... It sure makes his life always at her beck and call. Yup. Back pedal a bit. See where it is. My teenage self wanted to break it off that night. Impulsive. My adult self decided to wait and see and get over there and see how life is. I decided my house is large for me and DS, but the school district and neighborhood mattered, making it similar to our home now. So, I guess I will deal with that. Smaller yard, newer so low maintenance. So that is good. The widow is the neighborhood! HA!

I can't believe I am writing this. I am flabbergasted! Signed on my new home! Stayed with NG the night as I had to go get my kid from church camp, just north of this new city. WE had a great night of discussing the future possibilities. He helped me clean up my new kitchen. He is storing things at his garage until moving day which is Wed. His sons are in the school district of my home, so he is closer to them now. It is out in the county. Opposite side of town from his work, so about 30 minutes maybe. He bought a house around the corner from the school where his children attend. Their mother got a new teaching job, and thus, they ended up way out in the county, and he was so aggravated. He could have them walk to school from his house, so, a better chance of 50/50 parent sharing. He text me this afternoon his ex called, and she got a job at the school board, next to the school by his house. So the children will now return there. It is what he wanted, why he bought the house he lives in. The kids are asking for more time with him now as they are older. Moving to the home and area where I live is opposing this. I can't believe this. Asked him if he was staying now, and he said, "yes, if it means more time with my children." I specifically looked for a house to accommodate a family of our blended size. I asked him more than once he was certain of our future, his choice, as I didn't need a house this size. I didn't move just for him, but made plans for our future. I feel such a fool. I have to support him in his pursuing his time with his children, the reason he left his career, moved to this state to begin with, to be with his kids. But OH MY GOSH! The timing of this! I just have to regroup and focus on my needs, my son, taking care of my mother as the reason to move. And if I can be truly be placed in the back row now, will I choose to accept it or change goals? How could this have occurred on the day after I close? GEEZ! And I don't have a ring, not the level of commitment, so I do feel foolish. This is hard.

3 and 5 week vacations! I have never done that! Wow! What a thrill! And with NEW relationships! That is huge! Bunny, so happy for you to have that experience. It is like a strange dream, I bet. Exciting! Arneal, short trips are all I know. I hope to something longer in the future but it just isn't realistic now. NG came over Sat. and helped me go through tools to keep and let go. Been setting there 5 1/2 yrs. LH was a mechanic. NG is not a handy man. It was strange for him to do, but I appreciated it. He then loaded up things and took them back on Sunday to his place and stored in his garage, saving me some money for paying the movers. I took DS to church camp, came back through my soon to be new home and did some foot work Monday. NG has said lots of things to me to tell me he is in this for the long haul. He has told me He can be with me for now on out. Talks about moving after the children are grown, travel. He is so kind and devoted to me, when it is us. So, sign the papers on Thurs. I will have a new home after 17 years!

Thanks for the input. I agree with both SB and Portside. We communicate differently. He is Mr. Logic. Yes, Portside, he is making up for his failed marriage. He came from a divorced family, his father a cheater, liar, and currently has a wife and live in girlfriend. He is NOT going to be a father that chooses a woman over the children, as his father did and still does. NG's wife left him, and he believes he did all he could to make the marriage work, to the point of never arguing, always giving in, in order to not have a divorce. And now he has his kids 4 days a month and the schedule. So, I understand his background and beliefs. I am attracted to his dedication to being a great dad. My LH had no dad ever and was an extraordinary dad to our son. Like SB, where is the compromise? Will there ever be? He never has dealt with a health crisis or otherwise. What will happen WHEN that occurs? How to manage that? How to be there for me, if I am his SO/partner/wife with the kids' schedule? His vacation time is for the kids. If we are together, what about us having some time? Nurturing the new relationship is needed, too. So many what ifs. Interestingly, he emailed today about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. He reconciled the schedule for the new year with the orders and school calendar. Already planning. He is willing to change Thanksgiving plans, but Christmas is set already. Input on others experiences. I don't worry about the thread moving past my comments. I learn from others.

New Thread. Same topic. How to work through the dating/new relationship with someone who has limited time with their children. I am almost 16 months with NG. He has children with a typical 1970s child custody visitation. Every other weekend and the alternating week night for dinner. Every other week in the summer. And then they decided to flip flop YEARS for holidays and spring and fall breaks. So this coming school year, no breaks or holidays are his. The time is sacred with the children. No altering it. Has not been too problematic from long distance, but how to blend our families in the future? How not to feel 2nd or 3rd, 4th priority? Especially when you were number one with your late spouse, and then the children. I was with LH 20 years before we had a child. Our relationship was so important, and my LH reminded me he needed me as his wife when I would become overly child focused. I am talking neglecting the marriage to take care of the child, which is not helpful for any parties. Out of balance and wrecks lots of marriages. 30 yr. old marriages ending in divorce when they realize they don't even know or like each other because their lives revolved around the children. Ya get it... So, NG has complete other dynamic. Communication, communication. Yes. I hear ya. But sometimes venting is needed, though you love the person, but it is hard. All I am saying. Those that know me and LH are worried about me. I still after 5 1/2 years, have folks tell me how lucky I was as my LH loved me so much and shared that with others. The things you hear later! So, an example of this. Separate vacations this summer because of scheduling issues. NG just got back from his with his boys. 3 days no phone contact. We have talked about it. WE did text. But still. I didn't go 3 days without contact with LH ever once married. I am starting to get used to it as I am independent and have been on my own for 4 years. But then that scares me. Interdependence in a relationship is needed. So, there ya go. Respectfully my OP and my views/perspectives.

KK, This is difficult. Sometimes they make the decision for you or you have to do so. Sounds like you have come to some terms. I have read a lot here, and realize I was lucky in lots of aspects with the in laws. They are/were great people, but my LH was an only child. Close to cousins growing up like siblings, but they all grew up and moved or started families. The nuclear family and their branch became more a priority than the big family celebrations. My LH loved his extended family, but noted as an adult, they never came to visit. He could see them, visit them, but one way. So, after his death, mind you we were together 28 yrs total, most communication was FB. A few cards, no calls. No assistance otherwise, and they could have helped me or LH's mother a lot with their skills and finances. Nope. I am not angry/hurt anymore. I am part of the family IF I go there and participate in their lives, but no reaching out to me. MIL stayed here as she followed us. She has been helpful and involved, until I felt smothered. Started new relationship contact 2 years ago, and then, when dating, changed more. She has accepted it and has a new role in my life. She is not my best friend, and we do not have to do all kinds of things together, which is how the in-laws are. All things together, all the time She is moving when she can, makes her own choices about herself, and does not consult with me. She has changed our relationship, too. It is sad, the collateral damage, I call it, from a loss, a hub in a family, the changes. Even with no drama or hurtful actions, there is still so much loss. I am sorry you had to go through this, also.

Mrs. Dan, Noticed you deleted all your comments. I appreciate this thread. It is some tough stuff, taboo to talk about in some circles, but a reality for apparently many of us. I do notice men are not seeming to respond, and so not sure about all that. Maybe they handle it differently, or obviously, they do. I think it is important to have somewhere to discuss this stuff. And it is unpleasant. But being part of this club is. Hope you will return.

Folks, Almost laughable. NG text me asking what I was doing the week of July, the last week. Umm, moving?! Been talking about it a while, and I think I text him. I responded, " And that is the last week with your kids, right?" He asked about moving his week time with his ex, requesting it, stating he would help if able to do so. I told him not to worry about it with me, we would figure it out. Don't rock the boat with the ex. He responded, "Oh, well, I wanted to attend an event that Sat. and was asking for the change for that." Not for me, not for helping, nope. Yup, need to see how we do in the same town for a while. And communication.

Thanks for the post. I can use more input myself. I move in a couple weeks! I will be uprooting myself from 22 yrs. and all the connections with it. But, my mother is in a facility there and there was not equivalent in this smaller town. My son will have a better school system. I truly am not moving only for my NG. I think of our relationship as the catalyst to get me out of my comfort zone. I have told him me and my son need some time to adapt ourselves in our home and new environment. I don't have cold feet about us, but going from long distance to living together seems a bit much for me and my son, now. I too have an ex wife and her family to learn to co exist with some how. I have not been a threat, I am sure, so far away, but the dynamics are about to change drastically. NG told me he didn't think we "son and I" should get too comfortable in our new home if we are moving forward, though. The territory, shared home versus he moving into our house is a why. I do think that makes sense. He doesn't get his kids this next year at any holiday or school break. Isn't that ridiculous? So, it could be helpful for us to get our groove or it could be harder as he is depressed about his lack of time with his kids and has my son full time. So much stuff. I love him, and he is a good, good man. It is hard for there to be so much more complications. It was so easy to just be my little nuclear family. No doubts of allegiance, had worked through the past, etc. Another level of widowhood and healing....

Mrs. Dan, I don't know what you wrote since you edited it. I hope I wasn't over the top or offensive. I shared a lot of feelings/thoughts that were not a favorable side of me, but I own them. Interestingly, one of the reasons I am attracted to NG is his loyalty and dedication to his children. Reminds me of my LH. I remember you sharing how your LH was a children's author or librarian and great with kids. Same type of thing. He Is a wonderful father, and my LH was, too. We are able to get together with all our kids. My son prefers that as he says NG is more fun than with just us three. It is really good. NG tried really hard the 4th of July weekend to reach out to my son to connect more, and his boys were with their mother. I know more adjustments are coming. He hopes that once I am in the same city, we will connect and integrate our lives/schedules much better and then, maybe sharing our home. Lots coming up. I am sorry it is a hard week, and your anniversary is coming up here, also. The triggers are hard. :'(

Mrs. Dan, Almost could write your post. It is hard. My NG has his kids every other weekend, every other week in the summer and all holidays, school breaks this past year. This year, he will have no school breaks with them. Crazy schedule. We have been dating 15 months. Last summer, I had a conversation about it as he basically stopped all communication during his kids time. I was hurt/angry. It happened again at Christmas, and I discussed it with him again. He agreed both times of his lack of communication. He would do better. We live 70 miles apart, so it is not like we can see each other easily. I am moving to his city in 3 weeks. We are talking living together, engagement, marriage. But the kid visitation does concern me. He is into Father's rights in this state, hoping to change things as he had 50/50 time prior to the oldest attending school. When the oldest started school , the new schedule happened, and he lived out of state. He quit his career, GF and moved to the state/city to regain more time. It hasn't happened. This state doesn't do that unless both parties agree, and his ex won't. But research supports shared parenting. Anyhow, I get your feelings. I feel put back on the burner. I have even felt somewhat like a consolation prize. His mother flies in each week/long break and keeps the kids while he is at work. So, he has meals prepared nightly, a grown up to converse with, and I get no calls/communication. He is the best guy to me, when he doesn't have his kids. But I wonder what if I have a crisis, where will he be if he has his kids? My mother nearly died in May, and he was helpful, but wasn't his kids' time. He has no way to help me move as he has his kids this summer, and our schedules are not jiving. We went on separate vacations this summer due to this. NG's father left his mother, and always put his latest GF or wife first, so NG is NOT going to be his father. However, a friend has told me she worries about me and him. If he has his kids, and an activity comes up for us, a family event, work, whatever, will he choose to attend? So far, history says NO. But my marriage was us first with LH, then our child. My LH would remind me he needed me as his wife. We were better parents when our marriage was going well, of course. I have my child full time, right. I have made arrangements over and over to have dates, adult time. My kid goes to camps, school trips, etc., so we have had that time as adults. But never has he changed his schedule to be with me when it is his kids' time. He has never taken off work for me, taken off early for me, nothing. All for his kids, his time. We aren't married, so, I get that but I can't have it like that if we do share our lives under the same roof. More communication in the future. I have had to keep my mouth shut about his time issues, as he gets very depressed each time they go back to their mom's. I want to say, "well, they have a dad. You are alive and well and get to see them. My kid is fatherless." He knows, and I don't bring it up. UGGHHH this stuff.....

Arneal, Hard to have the schedules so tight! At least you did have some time, but hope you can get another get a way sooner than later. My NG is on vacation with his kids this week. I was the last week of June with my family. Have a nephew going to Abu Dhabi for missionary work, so big time to see him and his family as who knows when it may happen again. Saw other nephew and family. Been LH's funeral since saw them, 5 yrs. plus. Time goes fast. They are my back-up for my son, so important to have the contact. Did spend that time with NG with his family over the fourth, thankfully. But it was not ideal. My son on the couch, me on a futon and NG on an air mattress at his 24 yr old half brother's house. Not exactly a spa setting, but still better than nothing. Signing papers the 20th for new house. Started packing, and it is HARD! So many memories to go through, downsizing. Overwhelming. Why didn't I do more of this sooner? Uggh....... Lessons to learn. Darn real life stuff interferring with the romantic stuff! LOL! Trying to focus on the JOY. Looking forward, down the road instead of the rear view mirror. The packing WILL be worth it all. It will be worth it. It is time.

Yes, Maureen. Completely understand. Last family vacation was the 4th of July 6 yrs. ago. I was with NG, new folks, new places, this 4th, and I see on FB "on this day." My LH had hacked my account ( I left my phone out) and made a post as me of how awesome he was, our family was, and how blessed I was to have them. Friends immediately responded that HE must have hacked me. He was a silly, goofy guy. And then the barrage of pictures from that last big time together appeared. I miss him and our life. I am waiting for when I hold on to my new life, AND it feels real. (sigh)

Moving forward. Spent whole 4th weekend with NG and my son with his father and half brothers and nephews. Father is rich, paid for everything and house looks like a small resort. But NG and he don't mesh. NG says he is a poor father, neglected him and his sister after cheating on their mother. Many girlfriends and no money or child support. His half brothers have everything. Such a sad strange situation. Had family pics done by professional. His dad mentioned having all his grandsons there. Nope, as NGs boys were with their mom. Knife in the back for NG. There were more subtle comments. They have their own flavor of crazy as does my family. Only get together maybe once/twice a yr. and the father pays for it all, but all his choice/control. My son got to attend his first professional baseball game and we had special box tickets to a food Buffett. And son got to ride jet skis by himself and be on the boat that sleeps 8. He got to shoot clay pigeons, rifles, shotguns for the first time. He had a lot firsts so the father was generous. Good family weekend, 3 nights, but saw the sadness for NG. Closing date for my new house may be the 21st. Getting real! My house under contract. Inspection went well. They want to move in before school, too, so happening. New life around the corner!

Yes. I am a Christian. My LH volunteered at our church with the youth for 16yrs. I come from a family of believers and seminary graduates. I have gone round and round with God with all this. But being a Christian doesn't mean you won't suffer, fail and do hypocritical things. I am walking this earth like everyone else. My faith has gotten me through. I was surrounded with care and love and my son continues to be. There have been some sad things too, dealing with loss and my church family but overall more helpful. I do wish I would have considered not having the service In Our sanctuary. It took yrs to go in there and not grieve. But it made sense at the time and the youth needed it, too. Our new youth area is dedicated to my husband's memory.

I was reluctant to reply here. But, here goes. YES! In Dec., I told NG he was getting the best human version of me (humbled by the loss, respect for time, etc.) , but the worst physical version. I was working out regularly, 10 lbs from my goal weight when DH died in a car accident. I worked, took care of my son, but getting back to working out never happened. SO, NG has me, an overweight 48 yr. old. MY DH would probably say, "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?" So, I am slowly working on this, but had to change my life a lot, and I am not there and now I am 5 1/2 yrs. older! Significant in your 40s. And I have had 3 health issues, too. Nothing major but scared me to death. One was a fall on ice, and now I deal with back issues. I have a problem now, and will go back in 3 months for a recheck. Probably nothing, but could be something. I chickened out this week telling him the details, just that I had to go back as a I got an abnormal result. So, yes, I worry about this. In your 20s, it doesn't cross your mind at all. 10 feet tall and bullet proof, ya know. I even had to NOT read things on this site of long term care giving. It would distress me. NG is kind. His ex was a larger female, and he claims to love "rubenesque" women, thankfully. He was a cross fitter/rugby player just 3 years ago, and an 1 1/2 hour commute has taken its toll. So, we will have get healthy goals when we live in the same city and home, soon. He has never dealt with health issues or caregiver issues. My LH had treatable cancer, my father died of Alzheimer in my 30s and my mother is 88 and in a skilled care unit now. So, he is not as exposed, yet, either. Hope he can handle it.

I have very little experience in dating, period. Really only dated LH since age 14. Move to new guy. Chatted on line about 5 nights, and he wanted phone contact, and then, of course, face to face. I noted at the very beginning of chat that chemistry was needed, despite how good things can be "on paper." Me and LH should have never lasted the 28 years we did. So, met NG face to face after 10 days of communicating. This was the first time he was available due to his children's scheduled time. 15 months later, and I am moving to his town. Not JUST for him, but I never would have considered it without meeting him. Things fell into place. But we all know about chemisty, right? Good luck with all that.

Father's day. A bit of a landmine. I let my son decide what to do. His father. We have planned special days, me and him alone all these years. NG has two sons. He does not have them that week, but gets them Sunday for Father's Day. My son does not want to do anything with them, which is fine. His birthday was Wed., NG's. Had dinner with him and his boys, his mother and my son last night. Gave him a gift certificate to an indoor shooting range. WE have talked about going shooting together sometime, but he can go and release some stress on his own. WE decided no gifts this Christmas, but to do an experience together. We haven't planned the experience for our birthdays ( mine was in April). He still got me flowers and took me out to eat back then. Got him a cheesy dad t-shirt and nice card and snuck it in his truck before I left last night. I like to do little things like that. His boys will think the t-shirt is funny. They are still little guys.

Thanks all for the input. We have some communication to do. NG has told me to keep lots of DH's things for our son. I have a golf bag with his name, his foot locker, senior letters, stuff like that. I thought we had cleared it up about keeping lots of things in my son's room, and NG was great with that. I guess he may think having it up in the living room is much. Room for discussion. I am not angry. More curious about this situation. Oh, and DH was a Marine, Enlisted, and then worked for the Nightstalker's as a civilian. NG is retired Lt. Co. Air Force. Yeah, there is some stuff there, I don't doubt. The different branches have their competitive natures, I guess. No biggie for me. I don't see DS headed to the military, actually.

Tryingtobreathe, Thanks so much for your post. I am in the same boat. Live with MIL a mile away. She gave me a box of pictures, unlabeled! I went through them, gave back who I was clueless about. She went back and marked them and gave them back. UGHGHH! What to do? NG and I looked at a house and I offered, and it is mine as long as everything goes. WE are moving forward. My house, as his ex is not having access to it or my assets. Anyhoo... NG asked that my pics of DH and his Marine Corp stuff not be displayed in the new house with both of us. Hmmmm.... My son is still here. Still his dad. I think my son will have what he wants to display in his room. He has the flag and pictures already displayed. I guess I thought we could incorporate some family pics. He is divorced, so no desire for pics of him and his ex. I have two pics up in the living room with DH. A family pic, the last with my father before he died. One couple pic. I understand putting that one away. This is so complicated. So, just store them all away? I have decided to take what MIL gives and then dispose of it as I see fit versus telling her no. Less hurtful, I believe. DS has no need for all the old stuff. He isn't connected to that side of the family much. He and his dad were only children. The IL side didn't reach out to me afterwards, so I have no real connection. So it goes.

Arneal, Interesting thoughts you shared. I am comfortable with the term widow as it is distinct to me from being single, never married or single, divorced. Just a different story. But not all who I am, either. I have hidden my status on FB always, never being widowed. I was never linked to LH on FB. I have looked at memorializing his FB account. I recently put on there for me to be his legacy and downloaded his FB page for all his information. Since dating NG, and I am moving to his city, soon, I realize I want to be his GF, not LH's widow. I have to leave this town as that is who I am here (small town). It will be hard to change my identity, but also freeing. I, too, feel I am no longer married. A marriage is a moving, living relationship, and it is now gone. So, having some thoughts about this, too. Thanks for sharing.

My update: After a week of fretting about another holiday weekend not together, I got passed the insecurities. I hate that. We were in different directions and different timing, and it didn't work to be together. He is in the summer schedule and has his children a week at a time, Friday to Friday. I had family celebrations for a niece graduating, and we were headed different directions, states even. I hate that it bothers me so much. But, I am house shopping and put an offer in yesterday in his town, so we will see if we are going to up the relationship ladder. I did look for a house to accommodate his kids (part time) and my son. I just couldn't see buying house that would not and a year from now changing. So, a new ride on the budding relationship. ;-)

oneoftwo, I get your post. I felt that way. I don't know why. I felt so BROKEN when my DH died. I felt unworthy, lost, had poor self image, and it makes no sense. But I did. So, I felt my sex life was over at a young age of 42. My prime years, and I am alone. I started to date, taking 4 years to do so, mind you. The best thing that did for me was to let me know I was still desirable. Crazy! MY DH loved me, wanted me, desired me, but when he died, I felt NO ONE would ever want me again. This widow stuff just tweaks your brain, makes you question everything you know. I get it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kjs1989. This is something I struggle with, also, but more about not marrying lawfully and "living in sin." I am a pleaser, typically, to a fault. I don't know why our families have such a hold on us. If they lived where I saw them frequently and HELPED me out, it would seem to hold more water. But to see them a couple times a year now since our hub changed due to my DH's death and mother's old age, why worry? But I do. Thanks for the wise words from others. You would think we would all be fearless given what we lived through and they have not, and therefore, do not get it.

Ok, so I still consider very much budding. I am past the euphoria stage. I learned in a class with the five love languages about the first part of the relationship is pure euphoria and can last up to 18 months! You love everything about them, the annoyances are cute, the jokes are funny, etc. And you can't live without them, pining, and it hurts to be apart. And then it slowly changes, and the things that were the cutest are now driving you crazy. And most marriages end around 3 years, not 7 anymore. So, the 18 months makes sense! Many are married or living together by this time, and then realize, OH MY! This is not really what I thought. So make or break time . Love 'em or leave 'em time. I believe I am here. I love NG. But we are showing our true selves. And the annoying stuff is there, both sides. My point, I guess, is I didn't know all this stuff when married at 21. And I stuck it out, and through without overthinking all this. SO different being older, wisdom, experience, and add great loss to it. This is not for the faint of heart.