trying2breathe

I need easy right now, am still not willing to make introductions. He says that he understands, I continue to balance the division of family and love life. Sigh .... I need a therapy session

As widows/widowers, I think that we're seen by others as being particularly vulnerable. My family is protective, the in-laws especially, and they try to influence my choices whenever possible - financial decisions, things going on with my kids, vacations, etc., so it makes sense to me that they would have some pretty big opinions on whoever I may be dating. Which is why I don't share any of this with them. My guy would be scrutinized, I believe to an extreme, and I'm not comfortable with this. And it wouldn't be fair to him. Family is important to me - makes me sad that I'm not including my guy in the mix for holidays and family gatherings. Sigh .... maybe some day

Love this, thanks so much for sharing.

Best wishes to you as you continue stepping forward. Change is difficult, there is positivity and hope in your post and so much good that lies ahead for you. Reading what you've done and how far you've come is inspiring.

I enjoy the male perspective here, and yes maybe it's stereotypical to think that all men react and feel the same, just as possibly all women react and feel the same. I believe that men and women generally speaking, are different emotionally and have different ways of thinking and reacting. Although Portside's posts can sometimes seem abrupt, from my experience what he shares matches closely the interactions that I've had with LH, NG and male relatives.

klim Your relationship with NG mirrors my relationship with my NG - and we too met and started dating in January. I believe it's possible to fall head over heels in love in our 50's, for me there is a certain degree of practicality that needs to be met also in order to have a relationship. I'm cautious with my emotions, my NG is carefree with his and continues to put it out there. He wants to spend most free time together, and I'm left to play catch up on household responsibilities and feel terribly guilty about little time spent with my kids and aging parents. This morning I backed out of spending the day with him, letting him know that I needed downtime and to have dinner with my Mom. He understood, thankfully. Like the others have posted, a conversation is definitely in order. There's nothing wrong with taking time to yourself to take care of whatever you need to do. I can imagine the frustration in trying to end an evening with him clinging, although difficult to do a stronger response to his persuasion is needed. "I really need to get to bed - long day tomorrow" .... Repeat if necessary.

I've thought about being a burden, and about the hardship that this can create. Should any of us partner and live long enough, it's inevitable that we will all deal with health issues to one degree or another. The alternative is to go it alone. Getting old isn't for the faint of heart.

Good question, and one that I'm struggling a bit with these days. I moved back to my childhood town, and now live close to my parents as well as my in-laws. Their health issues take up a good amount of time, with doctor's visits, recent hospitalizations and follow up. Realistically I think that one of the elders will go first but sadly know that this may just not be the case. I'm lucky to have a brother that lives here too, and he helps manage some of the care. With NG in my life, I don't have as much time for family as I once did and I feel guilty about this. As for my health, I work out regularly, eat well and am in good shape. I consider this essential as I went thru a significant health issue a few years ago. I don't have the experience of being a caregiver, but worry about being a burden to somebody someday. There are no guarantees in this life, any thing can happen to any of us at any time. I take it as it comes and manage the best I can.

I still play the widow card on occasion, and usually don't feel badly about it. Nobody needs to know that I'm almost four years out and for the most part over the worst logistical nightmares and darkest days. Sometimes it feels good to just put it out there. And the widow card is especially handy for those pesky sales calls! Your blog post is timely, arneal, as I work out the relationship with NG and try to figure out whether to move forward with him. I feel horrible that he may think that he's second fiddle to anybody, yet my openness to dating others must leave him with exactly this. I've been completely honest with him on the fact that "we" date others, and yet he says that only sees me and will wait. I think there's a bigger issue - I knew from the start that he was special, have never felt so close to anybody so quickly. And this scares the hell out of me. Whew - posting stuff here that I've never expressed and it feels like a therapy session ....

arneal Sounds like it's a committed relationship and he's just not voicing it. Maybe it's not his style. My NG uses old term phrases like girlfriend, as he's in his mid-50's and doesn't know any different. Last week he asked me to come over to watch Netflix and chill, and had no idea what that term today really means. Dating is so much more complicated, many more factors involved as well as past history for both of us. I'm not sure if he talks about me with his kids, I have no choice as mine are home with me right now. So yeah ... we're in different situations yet somehow it seems like we're dealing with similar stuff too. I think that I will move forward in dating others, not sure if something will work out but I'm pretty sure I would regret not at least trying. NG may be the one for me but I'm just not sure yet. Disappointing that his daughter bailed for Father's Day - darn kids, what are they thinking?

Took PDA to a new level this weekend, it was my high school's twice a year get together at our local dance bar. NG and I did the usual bump & grind and then some, as he tried to put his stamp on me as "taken". And I didn't mind it at all

Ugh, SW. Better to learn this now rather than waste time & energy at dinner. ICK momtojandj As you don't know these people well, maybe it's best to just leave it alone. If I were good friends with somebody I would hope h/she would tell me about a cheating significant other, however to hear it from an acquaintance would be a different story. Disappointing though to know that this is going on.

arneal Glad that Father's Day was a good day for you all. NG and I enjoyed morning by the pool and got in some jacuzzi time. I had to prepare for an afternoon BBQ with my Dad, so he left and I spent a few hours searching for rhubarb to make an apple & berry pie. Discovered that rhubarb around here is almost impossible to find but was happy to finally track some down. Thanks so much for the jerk & rice recipe, I'll definitely prepare it soon and let you know how it goes. We love spicy around here so shouldn't be a problem using any of those ingredients. I remember well the scotch bonnet peppers in Jamaica, they are some of the hottest around but habeneros would work well too. Just thinking that maybe we should start a recipe/cooking topic On another note - NG are getting along really well, but still I don't want to be in a committed relationship. I was intrigued by a free weekend on one of the on-line dating sites so messed around there and was tempted by some of the profiles. I created a profile but didn't post a pic, but am thinking that maybe I will. I realize it's a long shot to try and find somebody on-line, and I have the matchmaking service that I'm working with too. Just feel like I need to check it all out before getting into a committed relationship. Ughhh - this is difficult. I feel like it's heartbreak waiting to happen and I feel badly about it. NG - guess I should loosely use this term - is a great guy that I love being with. He realizes that I'm not yet ready to commit but so far he's waited. I expected to find a fun person to hang out with but not get so deeply into emotions at this point. He's asked me several times to be his "girlfriend" and so far I've said no. The thought of breaking things off with him is not something that I want to consider. This is very junior high I realize - anybody else go through something similar?

Planning on spending Father's Day morning with NG, the New York Times and coffee sitting poolside. Hoping that the weather cooperates. NG has two daughters and both live far, so he's pretty much on his own on Sunday. Didn't get him any gifts, as we're still very much at the budding relationship stage. Wish I could spend more of the day with him, but I'm hosting a BBQ for my Dad later in the afternoon. arneal Jerk chicken, yum! I lived in Kingston, Jamaica for 2 years and loved the food there. Would you consider sharing your recipe?

arneal Sorry that your Mom was dismissive. I took it as her trying not to show concern, having gone through what she has trying to not show how worried she may actually be. It does seem dismissive of your worries though, and not supportive. It's not as if changing the subject and talking about her day will actually make you forget what's going on

arneal You are dealing with a lot - hope that the recheck turns out to be nothing, just a precautionary visit. Yes, you are thinking the worst - keep breathing, and keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

Thinking of you and your family and hope that everything is okay. Big big hugs to you ~

My father was targeted, not through a dating website but we think possibly thru Facebook. He was contacted by a young man pretending to be his grandson (my son.) The imposter said that he was in trouble in Mexico, had a cold so his voice may sound different, please don't tell Mom but needed money to get out of jail. My 84 year old Dad didn't fall for it, thank goodness. Lowlives for sure - I let my family know not to give money if anybody contacts them by phone or otherwise. Indeed another new thing to worry about

tybec How funny that the pictures were returned to you with labels! ;D I seem to be the dumping ground for my IL's purge - whatever DH stored in their basement for many years, is being given to me. This has included childhood sports equipment, trophies, photographs, school awards, etc. It's all too much. I'm slowly purging this stuff too, I'm incredulous that they think I want any of it. Definitely less hurtful to take it and dispose of it later. I can understand your NG's request to not have LH's pics displayed, but harsh to not allow anything at all. arneal Yes, purging is so cathartic. I'm sorting and giving away the last of DH's clothing that's in my closet, I want this house to be only mine. Organizing my surroundings is giving me a different mindset - more clarity and purpose I believe. Baby steps .....

IL's have been purging their stuff and giving some of it to me. I've been complacent about taking what they give me, smile and nod, say thank you. Latest acquisition - several oil paintings of DH as a tot, painted by his grandmother. Grandma was a dear but she was no artist. I may be going to hell for posting this, but what in the world am I supposed to do with these? Modified to add - funny that I've posted this in the Budding Relationships forum. I've found that since dating NG, I'm ready to move forward, purge and feeling ready to start again. Feeling less and less married these days, a good thing.

Maybe he's scared? I think I'd leave this one alone, surely there are plenty of others where you can find some trouble

At almost 4 years, I too have those occasional teary times and ask myself why now? It's usually at a time when I slow down, can look around and really take things in. I sat with my two young adult children at dinner out a few nights ago - they were deep in conversation with each other and I looked across the table at them bantering, realized that I was sitting across from them alone, and thought how LH would have loved to be here and have this time with us. "He would have sat with me and I would have had someone to share the moment with". << It's stuff like this that brings me to tears.

I too don't like the distinction of widowhood, have never liked the word widow and try to avoid the subject of it all whenever possible. Talking about my status with somebody new brings on the inevitable head tilt and accompanying sorrys, and at this point the last thing that I need is anybody's pity. There's been no change in my Facebook status because it wasn't there in the first place. I feel a sense of freedom by slowly purging the last of LH's stuff out of my closet. This to me represents a shift on how I think of our relationship, no longer needing those last physical reminders of him. I will love LH forever, however am tired of those that bring up emotions that I no longer feel. BIL still believes that LH holds the primary spotlight in my life, and I don't have the heart to tell him that this is no longer the case. Here's to just being you, arneal

Lots of interesting things happening for you, arneal. So good to concentrate on these, have a healthy attitude about it all and let things happen as they may.

Continued healing for your son - sending prayers and big hugs your way. I'm one to not clear my phone until necessary, and unused apps are usually pointed out to me by my kids. Willing to bet that he's completely forgotten that POF is there. I get it on wanting your NG to be around and the emotions that come about because of this. I'm feeling the same about my NG, although our relationship is not yet really established. Emotions are running high, it's a wonky situation for sure. I tend to be carefree, there's been nothing carefree for me about dating post-widowhood! I need to breathe too, feels like sometimes there's not much else to do -