klim

Quixote: I'm with you ,It would not even have crossed my mind to ponder this. Do people really flip out that much about opposite sex encounters of there spouses? I did not know this , this thread is teaching me something because a number of people here did think this might be a problem. I would be asking that cycling buddy's wife...what's your problem . And I'd continue to cycle! But that's me...I know who I am and would not enter into a questionable activity with a married man. Cycling and carpooling are not questionable activities. ok enough of my rant about are people really that jelealously paranoid....the bottom line is do what you feel comfortable with.

I'd share the drive.... seriously ....it's a ride!

Had contact with a guy who on the surface looked reasonable...... Then he turned into mr spamalot. Want to chatt???? 15 minutes later TOO busy???? it's okay you can just delete me 20 minutes later You still online ..not to busy now??? 10 minutes later You're beautiful chatt?? next day starts all over why don't you chatt, you are beautiful .i just checked you're widow so sorry I hope I didn't offend. Want to chatt?? want to chatt. YOu can delete me ( then proceeds to tell me how to block him) in to the evening Want to chatt??? now still too busy?? In a 24 hr period he contact me 15 times I only responded to 2 of them. And yes I could have blocked him but I wasn't annoyed, just amused, trying to figure out his game. And kinda imagining a feverish squirell type man in frenzied action over his keyboard.

Tricky stuff.....I've dated a bit with nice guys that had things going for them but no deep connection for me........ and I've fallen in love even when trying to guard my heart. I think your response will be your own.....and everyones will be different. But from my vantage point I think falling in love again is possible but it has to be the right person for you. Good luck in sorting it out.

Trying 2 breathe I totally get you.......especially in that type of situation. I've befriended a couple of divorced ladies and we talk about this but really we mostly laugh at how awkard these types of situations can be. We've joked about how we should practice the eye contact thing and how long it should last but seriously we just laugh because I don't really think there is a particular way to handle these encounters. You say hi and have a conversation or you say hi and are totally, as least inwardly, embarrassed because you misinterpreted the situation. We've decided unless you're having a truly bad day and can't take a hit to the ego the phrase nothing ventured, nothing gained is a good motto.

I'm financially secure mostly because of a real estate boom in the area where my husband and I bought our house 25 years ago. So it's not my widow status that I think makes guys think I've got money , it's where I live. I couldn't possible come close to buying my house now a days. I live in a mega rich neighbourhood. I don't like that on dating sites where you put in your location that someone might contact me just because of the town I live in. I'm always very vague, even a little misleading about which neighbourhood because not all the areas in town are equally well off. When first getting to know someone....I want them to like me for me not for my money.

My husband was the teacher...there one day, gone the next. He died of a sudden catastrophic unexpected heart attack at home. We held his funeral/memorial in the school auditorium right after school so kids could attend. The school helped put it all together, They flanked the corridor as I and my sons and the rest of our family members processed into the auditorium. It was very memorable. The students were wonderful and teachers all said that everyone had wanted to do it. They said they thought it was good for the students to be involved. I don't know but I felt it was good for me and it was the right thing to do for him.... and hopefully right for the students. So many students left condolences....

Ok Mrs Dan that was a weird lead question. online approach: "Damm..... I know milk does the body good but how much have you been drinking. You look fantastic. "

ok this is good.....he's approaching a new adventure.. you helped him get there.

Although it was good, very,very good......something was wrong!.........That is why you are not together. Focus on that....there is a reason.....whether you can fully understand that reason doesn't matter. The way you talk about the 90 days and the counting down.....I think you need a good dose of distraction. Do you have any vacation days where you can immerse yourself in some form of adventurous distraction? It'll take the edge off and give you a chance to view the situation from not just further out in time but with your whole focus not being on the missing relationship. Distraction, distraction, a little rationalization and more distraction. Again Mikeeh I can relate and am just sharing what has helped for me. Good luck

I had crazy weekend, I'm newly single after one post widow relationship went sideways.....so started doing some meetup stuff again and connected with a few ladies. So Friday I go to meetup volleyball and the apres ,nice group including some of these ladies I know. Near the end one of the guys suggest we should all get together and socialize Saturday...whose in? I'm thinking hey I'm here to meet people I might as well join in......they're bad at organizing and I am a take charge type person so I pass around my phone and say, if you're interested put your name and number on this scratchpad and I'll get it organized. Saturday I' have to move my youngest off to university. Also because of my stupidity I'm also organizing a social event for people ,some of whom I just met the night before. So ended up keeping track of 7 peoples opinions on where we should go, had some back and forth exchanges and by 7:00 pm had dropped a son to Uni AND contacted 10 different people for a social that night. We played pool and it was good. So Sunday I'd signed up for another meetup (A festival with music).......Alot of the same people from the night before would be there but none of the friendly ladies I usually hang with. One guy offered to drive,so I took him up on it. I must admit I was tired of always being responsible and thought for once I can have 3 beers and not worry about driving...and no son at home if I did come home a little tipsy. Well I had a blast and got a good, happy, stress relieving, carefree, tipsy going on( probably made it to 4 beer) ...and then for some reason I got almost instantaneously a a little sadness fly in to my mood and I announced "my husband is f..ing dead! " and teared up. I think it was the stress of just becoming an empty nestor and socailizing with new people , Also many of them also had been dropping kids off to uni but with the help of both parents( even divorcees seemed to coordinate ,mom packing them up and dad dropping them off) When I announce this I was hanging with three guys , 2 that I knew and one that I just met , although none knew previously of my widow status.. They all surrounded me and gave me tight hugs and I instantly felt foolish for bringing the mood down. They were so sweet though and my mood lifted and the rest of the night was a blast. Weekend's not over yet though.......Monday is volleyball again ...same crowd....I show up thinking about my weird and yes probably alcohol induced announcement and how awkward that must have made them feel and that I should apologize. So I found time to have a quick chat with each of the guys...... they were amazing, each one of them , separately told me that I should never apologize for having those feelings , that they thought I'm great fun and basically just made me feel good. I think I found me some guy friends . PS not sure why I wanted to share ......maybe for one, I'm a proponent of meetups they have been a godsend for me...and two alot of people here seem to run into DGI's and I wanted to share that there are some great people out there.

Thanks for the encouragement Nuggets , I'll look into those ideas, they sound neat.

Shit girl,... did not realize this was going down...sooooo stressful! Breathe deep and know he is not doing this on purpose, as you said he is hurting. Everybody on some level wants to be a success. Sometimes what they aim for and what is their reality of what they can do, differs. Your son has been knocked down a couple of times and probably feels very battered. keep nudging him keep proding him,it's obvious your love for him and hopefully he'll respond. Once again these words of advice are coming from me as I repeat them to myself with regards to my son. After a full year off and doing nothing,he is going to try school again. I don't have great confidence but we shall see. He is bocking at counciling but at least is keeping regular appointments with our family doctor. Another thing I tried to keep in mind was what I heard my brotherlaw say...He suffered from severe depression and having had experience within his family knew what was happening to himself but...(and this is where I tried to listen hard)...some of the recovery just takes time....he was almost 3 years of working through things till he was back to himself. He said sometimes he knew what he was supposed to be doing to get better but just couldn't...... he said sometimes he just wasn't ready for that next step. My sister was very patient with him, nudging , prodding......so I try and keep this in mind when working with my son. Never give up, be patient and loving.

NOt sure he would have loved this but it's more I think about what his reaction would be. It's weird I live in an area where a lot of the houses that were built in the 1950's are being torn down and large houses, almost mansions really, are being erected. This year on my crescent that only has about 15 houses, 7 are being torn down and rebuilt. I hardly recognize the street..........and I always think if he were to check back in would he even recognize the area. Sidenote : It's not that I think he is going to come back any moment fantasy thing...it's just that thought how would he react.

There is a thread ongoing in the socializing section called travelling alone ..there are alot of good suggestions on how to make it work. I'd copy it here but I don't know how people do that. I have gone to new locals and to places my husband and I frequented, There is a certain remembrance that makes me reflective when I travel to the places "we" had been ...but most of them were good memories so I'm fine with that. I reflect and then get on with it and enjoy the moment.

Trying you've always been a thinker, a ponderer...at least it seems so in your posts. I think this is what makes it hard to relish in the pending happiness in your life....but I also do believe all your thinking means you're doing the mental prep so your future will be what you want. You might just take a little longer to settle in to it but once you get there it will feel comfortable. At least that's what I hope for you.

So sad ... I hate how fragile life is...hugs.

Oh I agree on a date you just have to let the conversation flow...be yourself.... I was more talking about the text you send through the online dating site....the opening line as they say. To see if you want to converse on the phone or meet. "I like you're profile, how was your weekend?" .....only takes you so far. Thanks for the ideas this or that sounds like a fun thing to use.

Ok I went on a solo trip.....not one that challenges me though. The one I had in mind was a resort trip ...down to the Caribean...flying,socializing...on my own....This would have had me nervous and I would have felt accomplished if I had done it. Instead I went on a solo camping/roadtrip to Watkins Glen NY for 3 days. I enjoyed the hiking and campfires and WOW the views but it really didn't challenge my solo trip ability...maybe next time.

yes what questions do you ask to get the ball rolling and get a feel for a person ,without it sounding like an interview.... two I sometimes use are...1) pretend you have $20000 and you have to take a holiday in the next 2 weeks, where would you go and what would you do there? and then i follow that with 2) ok switching it up a bit you have $20 and a full tank of gas ,how do you make a day of it? Any other ideas?

I love travelling...did lots with DH but we were just getting to a point of good financial stability which would have lead to bigger more elaborate trips when he passed. 1st summer I traveled with my teenagers. They have since, and totally understandably, declined most trips as "travelling with mom is not cool!" I get that I stopped going places with my parents around the same age. The following 2 summers I was with a guy and we did some great trips. Now this summer I've not been in a relationship...so I went on one trip with my brother and sister's and their families and one trip with a friend from work. These trips were ok. Right now I am feeling the need to be part of a couple ,looking at life like that is what I need to be happy.But at the same time I am also trying to build my confidence that I will be totally fine on my own. I don't want to become desperate for a partner. Now because I love travelling so much I'm feeling like I need to do a solo trip...sort of prove to myself that I can do things on my own and enjoy them.........but there is also a great fear that if I try the solo trip and find that I am feeling bored or isolated ,it will make me even more desperate to recouple. I'm writing this out partly to help me make a decision........nothing ventured nothing gained...right?

Oh I so understand the sentiment you expressed here. The ebb and flow before DH died was so simplistic, now everything and I mean everything takes so much more thought. And the loss of an organized future..now it's messy and has to be reinvented. I hear ya! ....and sympathize.

Such a huge sadness ! Sorry you're here but this board can be amazingly helpful. Post, read, ask questions, wine...it can be helpful. Admittedly I use this site almost as therapy....and thank everyone who has interacted with me, for helping me on my Journey. So lurk if that's what feels comfortable...or join in. Take care.

I'm not sure this was a good opening line what do you think "You have the prettiest nose I have seen in the longest time. What's your secret" I just didn't know how to answer??!!??( plus I didn't want to)

Feeling similar so joining in the rally cry....will it ever happen!! ......but trying to keep the hope alive. Hugs to you.......one thought I keep in my mind is if I'm feeling this way and your feeling this way .....there's a high probability that there's a person out there feeling the same that if we can locate them could be our chapter 2 ! ....a nice guy that just wants a second life