klim

So as of last night we've broken it off. It hurts. I'm not even convinced it will be permanent but it wasn't working the way it was. It was 100% good, 80% of the time. As previously mentioned we were good to each other, shared great experiences ...he just had a ghost of a former girlfreind haunting his head. He tried to exorcise it , to banish it...tell himself nothing was there but it always took up space in his head and he felt like he was lying. He was always in fear that he couldn't get it under control( and he couldn't) and hurt me ( and he did, but I wasn't blindsided( i knew he was fighting demons in his head). He says it's not logical, agreed ...we were a good fit. For me it wasn't 100% good because I was aware of this and felt uncertain. Not a good way to feel. When either of us chased the ghost away it was great,but that wasn't always possible. So how do I make this work.....I'm missing what was has been my constant for the past few years. I'm sad because so much of it was good . And there was definitely a flashback last night when we were saying goodbye as I left. He had me wrapped in his arms saying goodbye and it brought back the idea that the only other man to wrap me in his arms in the same caring loving way was also gone.And dh died suddenly so I didn't get a goodbye hug from him. Shit today is happening...I gotta get up and get to work.

Fucking hate it. |Very very very very ouchy! FUCKING HATE IT!

Ok I'm asking only because my head is stuck in a loop. I know I will make my own decision in time but just seeing how the outside world would view this. And you all give thoughtful advice and different points of view. Background. Lost my husband to a sudden heartattack in spring 2013. By fall 2013 I needed to get out as the house was too empty. Joined a meetup for hiking and biking etc. By November I moved to socializing with the group. One guy and I hit it off and he asked me on some dates. For the next 6 months dating was a little erratic because when he asked me out he was supposed to be taking a break from his ex and it wasn't really settled. By August I stepped away and said figure it out, this is too crazy. By December we were back together and have been dating solidly for a year and half. Right now what is happening is I want to future think and he now admits he still thinks about his ex so he is scared his feelings for me are not real enough since he still has other thoughts. He says he can't figure it out, that it's illogical and that he truly loves me but he is just scared of screwing me up, because he is screwed up. In honesty he seems so conflicted when we talk I believe he really wants to move forward, to forget ex , to be focused soley on me. So my thoughts waver, Sometimes I think " This is crazy,if you can't be with me 100% by now....move on"...... and sometimes I say " Whatever, nobody's perfect, you've never treated me wrong , we're so good together....maybe I can wait this out" And it's true, we really suit each other and have such good times together...never argued, do lots together, vacations, life, he helps me emotionally when I'm dealing with my sons and their issues. He's a good guy. The stumbling block, future think, blocked by ex experience. Okay dissect, analyze, give me your thoughts..... Thanks

Remember girls sexy is in the eyes of the beholder and charm and personality is a lot of what people see. MY 50 year old body has lumps and bumps and and an 8 inch surgery scar that run right across my belly....but guess what NG thinks I'm sexy and I can feel it too. everyone is on there own time frame, I too thought I can't imagine being with someone else,,,had the self doubt too...but that is why I say never say never.

I may not have found it yet but I'm in the camp of never say never cuz you never know!

Yep when they stuff like that is when you're ok with them staying in your house a few more years.

Happiness comes first! I'm not sure if this a how to blend two families question or how to live life question? There are families where everyone does everything together. There are families where the adults need to take one night a week and one holiday every year without children. It kinda depends on where you get your pleasure. The opera is not necessarily good for 6 yr olds but kids love camping. If this is a more question of competing needs eg son is having trouble with buds at school, your day at work didn't go so well. Maturity says that you probably have more coping skills. Kids come first. I think in general I 'm a kids come first supporter because they are still developing. It doesn't mean they have veto power , it doesn't mean partner is second , it means a balanced will be reached, but kids because of there vulnerable development stage their needs have to be considered.

My husband was a collector but a collector/investor. All the stuff is worth something....problem is I don't know how much. Among other things, he collected model trains. There are probably a 100 trains ranging in price from a hundred dollars to a few worth a couple of thousand. I guess it's a good problem to have but it seems overwhelming because I can't just purge I have to research things before I can get rid of things. I'm trying to ignore it.

Thought I was going to have a nothing day...... I have an 18 and 20 year old( both boys).....one lives an hour and half away on campus and doesn't drive, the other is at home but has been socially anxious. Surprise #1 as soon as I got up my 18 year old appeared and asked whether he could make me breakfast, which if you ask me was really sweet because that's what they did for many years when they were little. He's adavance his cooking skills though, he moved from cinnimon toast to french toast with syrup Surprise #2 Early afternoon, son who's away at uni comes waltzing in the door, wondered if I would be interested in doing dinner with him and his brother. From nothing planned to a day filled with love. I like it!......and I love my boys! Hope you all feel the love and enjoy your day.

I don't know anything about international romances, but when I read this I thought, if your gonna contemplate something big like a career/location change and at some point getting together....wouldn't it make sense to think about making one gigantic move instead of 2 huge moves. I know that would only be for the brave but something to think about. PS...I suspect you've already run that through your mind but it's just what struck me when I read this thread.

In a way yes but I think I know why. one of my BIL avoids all personal conversations with me. BUt he was very close with DH and I've always just read into it that actually being around me is difficult for him because it is a huge reminder of who is missing. He is not highly materialistic but I could see him going on about what he's bought or where he's vacationed just tp avoid being real and feeling.

Mike, I know ...I'm a numbers person and know it's all based on stats......but I'm still the same driver I was before and the logic of that fails to be recognized. It's frustrating. Also they have a "second car discount" available....that's what they call it.......oh but wait that's only available if there are 2 people...............Then call it the "2 people 2 car discount" Also now when I tell them my son is away at university and will not have access to the car , they won't listen to me because apparently his home address is still here so according to them, he has to be listed and therefor is primary driver on the second car........which he can't even drive because it's a standard. So maybe hate was a strong word but definitley highly frustrated. PLus they pestered me ever since my sons turned 16 to add them to my policy. They didn't even get beginners till they were 18 and 20. ...and every time I told them they didn't have a license yet, it was like they didn't believe me. See , you shouldn't have got me started....everybody has pet peeve and I think mine is insurance.

I personally like how when I changed my insurance policy from two driver on two cars down to one driver on two cars....it cost more!!! cause of course as 1 driver I can only have one car on the road at a time which you think would reduce my chance of having an accident but no...insurance goes up!!! I hate insurance companies......and I don't hate that often.

I have my birthday 5 days before DH's deathday(April 6 and April11 ).....it does get odd because at 3 years I have moved forward and this year celebrated my birthday with NG. He had fun giving me balloons( actually he came to pick me up and when he opened the car door for me to get in , my spot was filled to overflowing with balloons). Well all those balloons ended up in my house. So 5 days later I'm reflecting on Dh's death, and what changed for ever that day, the end to so much and yet there were pink ballloons floating around reminding me of what has transpired and the rebuilding that has taken place. The closeness of the dates will be forever but I believe that at three years I was feeling better( that's a relative term on purpose) . I like the pillow thing too. It's a good image

I know ,even though DH's death was without warning and there was no end of life discussion that his portion of the assets that he helped attain should not become a shared asset for a new beau.My dh would want monies to go to our kids. My portion would be up to me to decide. in otherwords my thoughts are if NG and I were to move forward and he moved into my house...it would remain my house.... living costs would be shared. He has no assets and I am quite well off so we are not on even finacial footing at the moment. I don'i believe I could just share everything ,in the sense that he would own hallf of everything. If anything, right now I would rather hand half of what I own to my sons than my ng because that is what dh would want and he worked hard to obtain what we have. Of course this is a moot point at the moment cause there are no plans to blend right now. I know for sure I will be getting financial and legal advice before anything major happens. And Trying have fun with the renovations and personally I would consider NG's input,unless it's crazy extreme. some type of comprimise should work. PS I also have a seen a situation where when there was a recoupling and then a death , the children(Financially) were not looked after by new spouse. There was not a single penny that made it to them. So I am leary of that.

You go girl! Onward and Forward! Thanks for the update.

You have son whom is your purpose at the moment but it is not easy doing this alone. There is stress and you are strong just to be doing this but the suggestion of seeking out someone to talk to,to ease the burden may be advisable.A counsellor may help in this area...definitley something to think about as you sound like you are hurting. Hugs to you for now.....

I took the day off work today. It's the 3rd sadiversary. The truth is I could have easily worked today , I'm beyond active greiving but....I'm not that enthused about work lately and it was a day I could take off without anybody questioning me. I'm taking a me day.

if only you could change the channel...romcoms are much more relaxing !

I'm not trying to move foward at a certain rate....so don't have any time pressure,just desired to have a more fluid,less constricted existance.....but I have given it some thought and am already planting the seed i some discussions. I think with your plan to move forward you need to keep pushing the envelope.Lots of discussions are probably needed. Your kids are all different ages and personalities so probably each need to be handled differently. The point you have to obviously work on is that it's not a betrayal of their father. That if anything your DH would have wanted you to be "looked after" and to exist in a happy new relationship. Explain that is very normal for people to recouple. My thought about my guys is they will never view any NG as a stepfather. They are old enough that I think NG will always just be that to them."Mom's partner" and I am fine with that. My brother in law lost his mother when he was 20 and his sister was 17. His father recoupled fairly quickly and there was some tension with the"kids"......after a short time. they began to look at the new women in there Dad's life as their Dad's life parther and accepted her......they definitley never regarded her as a stepmother though. Maybe your older ones think they will need to view NG as a father replacement. You may want to point out that is not neccessary for your relationship to work. I would suspect that your younger one may have more involvemnet and that NG will take on that roll more. And I just had a weird thought ...have your older boys stepped in to a Father roll for your younger son......maybe they need to know that they will still play an important role there that can not be taken away by NG. This is not really addressing the bedroom situation but the moving forward situation. Apparently I'm full of advice but none of this has been tested...I'm just trying to imagine how I will handle it, if and when I get there. Cheers. Onward and forward.

I always google search the person I'm talking to so I would expect that normal people are trying to find out about you too. So they might connect to facebook. I'm just saying I'm not a stalker/scammer or other type of deviant so I wouldn't worry too much about that. As far as scheduling things you do sound busy....but the first meeting doesn't have to be huge. Maybe you could say something like:I've got art class tuesday but if you want to get a quick cup of coffee before I head in theres a shop just up the street......That way you're not always postponing their curiosity and yet maybe you can fit some meet and greets in that could lead to further full sized scheduled fun dates. Not sure it's feasible but it's an idea.

bumppity bump

In my experience I definitley haven't had the need to be suggestive while in contact online. I had a few multple dates with guys that I wasn't feeling a spark for...I personally did not think I could call it for sure after just 1 or 2 dates( you know, they were nice guys). It's so inorganic ,this online dating, I wanted to see if I just had to get past that. I pulled the plug after 4 dates or 5 dates because after that I might have felt I was misleading them and letting them get their hopes up. Both times they were into me way more then I was into them. I guess I found the tamer bunch to date. One snuck a kiss on the first date, one asked permission...and the others all went for the awkward hug and one the even the more awkward handshake.....and all these guys wanted a second date. So not sure what the etiquette is but that was my experience.......Maybe I send out a vibe. Just going to say one of the huggers made it to date 4...but never made it past hugging ......that didn't help his chances. Gotta have a little spunk, show a little initiative. By the way I'm still dating the one that stole a kiss. Sex is a very personal thing , as you can see in the rest of this thread. Just stick with your comfort zone not someone elses.

Shit ...I hate when they hurt! Hang in there.

I've had these debates with myself for quite a long time. Not the same situation but the same essential feelings. My kids hate going to family gatherings(both sides of the family). They haven't always been picnics for me either but we have gone. I can't seem to cut ties because of awkwardness. Yes I limit the amount of time spent but usually show up for a while and now that my son can drive I'll probably say drop me off and stay for 15min Pick me up later.. This was all true even before dh died and I'm really happy I hadn't cut anybody off because I needed people to lean on when dh passed. Family is who came through. So I don't think it's an etiquette question , it's the need not to cut ties.. If you are strong alone or have a strong friends network. Then make a choice...