widowat33

Good article. There is a lot of pressure to be "happy" or think positively, especially on widows/widowers. I know personally I have been told many times "it could've been worse" or other well meaning but entirely unhelpful statements used by people to cheer me up, or look at the bright side. Unfortunately there is no bright side to losing a spouse, none whatsoever. I think it's ingrained in our very being to have a desire to make others happy, we just don't want to see their raw emotions of anger, sadness, etc.. I think this is where these statements come from. It's hard to see people sad or hurting. I know I would rather spend time with someone who is upbeat and laughing all the time than someone who is sad and crying, which is such a terrible thing to admit. That person who is sad actually deserves more of my time and probably needs someone to be there way more than the happy person. In counselling we are taught motivational counselling, trying to build on strengths. A great concept for sure, but how helpful can it really be to suppress or ignore those "other" feelings, the "bad" ones. I love in the article how they wrote about the movie Inside Out. I had taken my sons to watch it in the theatre, and it was one of those moments where you realize that not only are you being entertained, but you are learning something too. Regardless of how everyone around us want us to be happy, it's ok to not be happy all the time. We have to feel all of our emotions, not suppress them. I struggle with this. I consider myself a positive person and that's a great thing most of the time, but when I can't find the positive thing in a situation I feel guilty or like there's something wrong with me that I can't be appreciative for all I have instead of thinking about all I've lost. Facebook, the land of fake smiles and perfect lives,lol. I also like how the article mentioned Facebook, as there at times seems to be a competition on there as to who has the most perfect life. Or just another place to air out all their dirty laundry. One extreme to the other, but the same concept...attention seeking. I'm sure we all have those friends on there that are constantly posting about their perfect children or perfect spouse. On the other side of that we have those friends who think it's important to be dramatic in every single post, to be always fighting with someone openly, etc... Thank you for sharing that very thought provoking article!

A couple of years ago my dh bought me a spa day..massage, pedicure, manicure, facial,etc.. I hated it,lol. I've never really enjoyed massages, or people touching me for that matter. Except him. I crave his touch, not just anyone's. It's so odd that you put this on here, as lately I've thinking that since his death I can't stand anyone touching me, except of course hugs and kisses from my boys, but that's it. Before I didn't mind the occasional hug from someone, but now I just can't stand it. Again everyone is different and I can honestly see how touch can be comforting. As a counsellor we are encouraged to tell clients about self care, and one of the aspects at the top of that list is getting a massage, and all of my friends list that as one of the best ways to de-stress. I think it's a wonderful idea, and would be great for most widows. Sometimes when we are so burdened with grief we forget to take care of our whole self. Yes we eat, drink water, etc.. But to be holistic we need to take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually, not just physically. I don't think you are trying to take advantage of the vulnerable, just offering services to help those who you can empathize with.

((Jen)) Wishing you peaceful dreams!

It is really a mind f-ck isn't it? Baby steps are still steps regardless of how big they are. ((Bh2))

Yep, I get this. Sending you hugs.

Thoughts are with you today! Beautiful post.

I can so relate to this. My boys are pretty independent also, and I've always encouraged them to be. But yes sometimes it's just easier to do everything. My problem is I'm very picky, some may say OCD so in my mind if I wanted things done right, for example making their beds, I just did it myself! The result of this hasn't impacted their school marks/work yet..however I do see the impact at home at times. My youngest at ten years old recently decided that he can't put his own socks on. Yes to save time and fighting in the morning I put his socks on, which he always adjusts afterwards anyways..just typing this out makes me realize how ridiculous this is,lol. I don't think you are an idiot parent at all. I probably wouldn't have even made that insightful connection between no responsibility and failing a test, so kudos to you! Great advice though..I think tomorrow I will make him put on his own socks

Just wanted to send you a huge hug, Sugarbell! It's amazing how that one date on the calendar is just another day to everyone else but holds so much significance for us, the day our lives would be forever changed.

Beautiful tattoo. I had three before my dh and I got together, he hated tattoos, so out of respect I didn't get anymore. I could've and he wouldn't have said a word about it, but I decided not to. Less than two months after he died, I went and got two new ones. One is of our sons names, it's kind of cool when you look at it one way it says the ones name and when you look at it the other way it has our other sons name. And I got his name with a heart on my foot. I have a weird thing about feet. No one can touch them and I don't like touching other peoples feet, it grosses me out...but he was the only one who I would let put his feet on me, or rub my feet and vice versa. So I knew that's where I needed to get the tattoo. I'm not so much looking for anyone, but I figure if a future partner has that much of a problem with it they will just have to suck it up or move on. He was such a huge part of my life and well he always will be. If they can't deal with that then they aren't worth it!

First I just want to say I wish you didn't have to join us here, but I'm glad you found us. There is nothing wrong with you, it is surreal. At over a year out it can still sometimes be surreal for me. My husband died in an accident, so I remember how the shock just kept me numb and every so often clarity would seep in and I would just want to shut it out. I didn't want to face the fact that it had happened, I still don't to be honest, but it is getting easier. I'm sorry that you don't have any support but I can assure you that you will find that here. It is very hard to understand why this happens and it's truly so unfair. Sending you big hugs!

Hey, It's great to see you back here. I've been wondering where you disappeared to! In my early days you helped me so much, not just on here but in chat too. I've missed you! I too hope all is well

I used to say that when I got to the Pearly Gates I was going to say, ?So God, why did you make me the mother of a handicapped child?? Now when I get there I?m going to say, ?So God, how did you know I?d be a widow one day? Is that why you gave me Jeffrey?? Peace to you, ~Catnip Wow. Beautiful post! Loved it all.. This last part made me cry! Sometimes I take my life for granted. Yes it's been shitty being widowed at 33 years old but I can handle it! I just hope that if I were in your positions I would be able to handle it as gracefully and wonderfully as you both do!

Wow. How insensitive. It is your story, not theirs, to tell if you choose to. I can't believe anyone would even think that it would be ok. Thankfully she mentioned it to you beforehand so you could stop it. I think your reply is perfect. Probably a lot more censored than I would have been!

Doesn't sound at all like you are whining! It sounds like you are frustrated, as most people..widowed or not..would be in your situation. Being widowed just makes this all that much harder. We don't have that other person to help out and who loves our children as much as we do. One thing I try to keep in mind is those happy families may appear to be happy, however sometimes looks can be deceiving. I remember at my husbands funeral another widow said to me she remembers watching a woman out her window hanging clothes on the line. The woman was married and all the widow could think is why is your life so damn perfect. Even early out I put that into perspective, how do we know how happy someone is? People can hide their emotions so well, and put on such a facade. Even still it is easy to be envious of two parent families. I know that feeling well... Sending you hugs!

No let's not talk about Harper..lol..

If it's the driving, or rather riding, with someone I like the suggestion of driving them and then waiting and picking them up. As far as the pot issue, if he hasn't done it before there is a good chance he won't do it at the concert. I do agree that pot is better than alcohol, I even stated today in my addictions class that I would prefer to hang out with someone who was stoned over someone who was drunk,lol. As far as my own children go, they are young yet, but as they get older I would prefer if they didn't do either...I know that's wishful thinking. Maybe have a talk to him beforehand about drugs and the harm they can do long term and let him know that this is a big step towards you trusting him. I was a good teenager, well most of the time, and in part it was because I was always worried I would disappoint my parents or lose their trust. I did drink, and experimented with drugs because even responsible people make stupid decisions sometimes...

Me neither. It is tiring and seems like it will never get easier but as I think about last year at this time I realize it has gotten a tiny teeny bit easier. So I have to hold onto the hope that with time it will continue to get easier. There will still be bad days, but hopefully the good days will outnumber the bad. That is my wish for you, myself, and everyone here.

Amor..I wish the same back to you as well! I'm happy that you were able to have a peaceful day and a beautiful dinner. Brokenheart2.. Thank you. I think that's so thoughtful of you to have called your mom on their anniversary, even before you (unfortunately) understood how hard the day is. I went for another walk tonight, I used to walk all the time, but life had been so hectic I quit for awhile. I intend to keep at it this time. The exercise is nice but the main benefit, for me, is the alone time and reflection. It definitely puts me in a better and calmer mood! Hugs back to you all!

Jen- the thought that I was his last love actually does give me comfort, in an odd way?! I'm just grateful that I made him happy. Trying- I'm so sorry that chemo is the memory you have of your last anniversary. Not to compare death, since it's all so terribly unfair, but I was always relieved that I didn't have to see him sick, as he died in an accident, I've seen the toll it can take on people who have to watch their loved ones die. Thank you both. Amazingly the only people to acknowledge it was a very close friend who is also a widow, she sent me a text about how 12 years ago was such a beautiful special day. My mil called and although she didn't come out and say anything about it being our anniversary she asked how I was doing. And my sil who sent me a Facebook message asking how I was doing. My own family never mentioned it at all and I really thought they would be the ones to bring it up, so I never said anything to them about it. I spent most of the day working on a presentation, then went for a long walk, which I found so incredibly peaceful that I was reminded to do that more often.

It kind of snuck up on me this year... I hadn't even been counting down the days to it. 12 years ago I married my best friend, sadly he died two months before our 11th anniversary. We never really celebrated anniversaries, acknowledged them but never went out or made plans. Maybe that's why I didn't even realize that it was already here. Or it could be because I've been so busy lately too. I expect it really will only be family that will mention it, and honestly I'm okay with that. I don't really expect anyone else to remember the date, especially since I almost forgot about it. The lead up to our wedding wasn't the smoothest..lots of issues with family, and each other. The night before our wedding we had a huge fight over something really stupid, but the stress had built up so much we finally let it out. So we went somewhere quiet and just talked, cried and realized I think in that moment that the wedding didn't matter so much, the only thing that mattered was that we were getting married and were planning on it being forever. Til death do us part, never even realized the significance of that. The day of the wedding was amazing..there were still some family members not speaking to us, but we just didn't care. We were in love and so happy, filled with dreams for the future. It just doesn't seem fair that we never got to live out all those dreams. I guess I just wanted to acknowledge the date, and this is probably the only place I can do that where I know others will understand or at least empathize with me. I also wanted to acknowledge him, and all the happiness he brought to my life, and how much I loved him and how loved I felt.

Uh oh.. I started back to school this week, and have been swamped with reading textbooks, I kind of forgot about the book. I will try to get more reading in this weekend, I think I'm on chapter three..as soon as I finish my hour long presentation on unipolar depression, which up until a day ago I had no idea wtf it even was,lol...

I think maybe the aim is to raise awareness about suicide and to educate people. There is such a stigma surrounding suicide, that fortunately is getting better, however there are those out there who still don't understand how complicated it is. I actually did a presentation on suicide prevention for my mental health and addiction course. Every situation is so unique, but I personally feel that it is very hard to prevent suicide, just as it's hard to prevent accidents, cancer, etc.. Yes there are things we can do to lessen the risk of all of the above, but to totally prevent it, I don't think so. Wifeless I totally agree with you, it is a mental illness and so many people fail to recognize it as such.

Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

((Lcoxwell)) Knowing he's not in pain anymore and drawing comfort from that fact does not diminish the pain felt from losing him. Thinking of you as you approach the 18 month mark.

((Jen)) sorry virtual hugs are all I can offer. And I do get the need for a physical touch, even just a hug. Lately I've been in bed at night trying so hard to remember how it felt to have him pressed up against me, holding me until I fell asleep. I can't remember that feeling anymore and it breaks my heart. The part I noticed most is where you mentioned you like the person you are becoming. That is so important and no you may not get a gold star but you do have the satisfaction of actually liking yourself and that is a huge thing. Perhaps the worst thing about grief is the fact that just when you think things are getting better reality comes crashing back. Really wouldn't it be easier to just be sad all the time, then you wouldn't get these little glimpses of happiness only to have them snatched away. The only thing that I try to remember is that these glimpses will get longer and more frequent as I heal. The sadness and grief will never go away completely, as much as I would like it t, it's a permanent part of my life now, but that doesn't mean that I can't grab on to those happy moments and enjoy life as much as I can. Jen please don't be too hard on yourself, we all have setbacks from time to time, but I view setbacks as a success because in order to take a step forward and fall back it still means you took that step forward. I wish you didn't have to be here either, I wish none of us had to, but I am grateful that you found this place for the fact that you always offer empathy and understanding and are a great support to so many of us here. Wishing you peace Edited to add: trying I didn't see your response before I posted, just noticed the steps forward and back. Great minds think alike,lol.