widowat33

That's great news! Congratulations

Firstly I just want to say I hope all is well... My children are afraid something will happen to me, all I can tell them is I can't promise them that nothing will ever happen but that if anything did they would be taken care of and they would be okay. I believe in being honest with them even if it's something that they might not want to hear. I expect honesty from them so I always try to be honest with them. So yes if I had an illness I would tell them and talk to them about it, especially if it affected me physically or mentally. But that is just me, everyone is different and every situation is different.

Again I agree with all posts made here.. I think what is important to remember is that everyone is different and what works for one person may or may not work for anyone else. I like what Mizpah said about 366 days not being the magical number, as I am just about a year out I keep thinking well at one year I should be better, but it am slowly realizing it doesn't work that way. There is no magical day that will come and I will be done with this grieving thing, because honestly I will mourn the loss of him the rest of my life, but as time goes on it does get easier. On one hand I want to say life can be short, as we have all learnt the hard way, and that you should be living it how you want. Yet on the other hand I do agree with Gracelet. We associate happiness too often with being in a relationship, or at least I used to. For awhile I thought that if I could just find someone else I would be happy again, I am glad that I never followed through on it. I needed to work on myself first, being happy and content on my own and it is still a work in progress. I strongly identified myself as being a wife and mom, now half of that is gone and I am working on who I am now. Because I am different than I used to be. I know personally I am not ready to date, but again that is just me and everyone is different. I say go with your heart, do what feels right for you.

I'm sorry that he never got the chance to meet him too. My sons and I actually talk about the difference between them and my friends son, who lost his dad when he was a baby. On one hand they said at least if you are young when your dad dies you don't know what you are missing, but they also see the other side of it too. They are grateful that they have those memories of their dad, as painful as memories can be sometimes. It just sucks either way. It's amazing how much they can remind of us of them sometimes. My oldest looks exactly like him and is like him in some ways, quiet and kind. My youngest looks nothing like him but shares more of his personality, sarcastic and speaks his mind. It sounds like even without knowing his daddy your son inherited some of his traits, and yes that's bittersweet indeed. ((Hugs))

Both very nice treasures. It's amazing how the connection to a loved one might not be something obvious to others, but special just the same. In fact I think that makes it even more special. I haven't gotten rid of anything, yet. I have his stuff packed away and stored, except for certain stuff that I'm just not ready to put away. I was even holding onto a half drank water bottle I found in his hunting stuff, I finally threw it away. I wouldn't even know where to start as each thing holds a story of some kind of connection to him... I am landscaping right now, and there are two things that will be in my yard which are special to me. The first is an arbour that came with the house when we bought it, he died ten months after we moved in so he never got to enjoy a summer here, but a few weeks before he died he built flower boxes onto the end of the arbour. We've had to move it to level out the yard a little but we were very careful and it will be going back where he put it. The second is a group of tree stumps. We had cedar trees growing way too close to the house, so he cut them down. As he was cutting the last and largest tree he asked me to hold it while he went to get something. He didn't make it ten feet away when the tree started cracking and falling down right towards the house. Of course I jumped out of the way and luckily there was no damage to the house but he always teased me after that about not holding up this huge tree. My father in law pulled out the stumps and I saved them to use them in a fairy/gnome garden I will be making once the yard is done.

Thanks everyone. Just Jen: it makes perfect sense. I think that way too, and catch myself thinking about how I have lived in our house longer without him than with him, we bought it ten months before he died..and other thoughts along those lines. I realize I probably always will. Midnight_man: it really is shit. Lcoxwell: I didn't really have a lot of alone time today, which I think for me is better to keep busy, but now that things have quieted down, kids are sleeping, I have been thinking about all our memories. Im in a much better state of mind tonight and I'm feeling incredibly grateful for all those memories and how blessed I was to love him and be loved by him! It's just so hard to believe that a year is coming up, it feels like it all happened so long ago. Yet at other times it feels so fresh and like it just happened.. I always think about the many changes that have occurred over the past year, and wonder what he would think about them all. I dread Father's Day coming up for my kids, but most of all I feel sad for him. Sad that he's missing out on all of this, sad that he was cheated of a long happy life. Sad that he never got to do everything that he wanted to do. Which I suppose gives me some kind of motivation to strive for happiness and cross things off of my bucket list as we never know how long we will be here. But for tonight I will just think of him and how lucky I was that he was mine!

I've been feeling really "down" today. Couldn't figure it out, until I looked at the calendar, then I realized what day it was. Last year on this day was the last time my husband held me in his arms, kissed me and said goodbye. He was heading back to work, on a three week shift in the mine where he worked. So although I could still see him using FaceTime and he didn't die until July 10th, today marks one year since we were together...

First off, of course you can post here..I don't see any reason why anyone would be offended! My boys are two years apart. They argue, fight, yell and yes sometimes it does get physical..but they are the same size and close in age and are very evenly matched. I still intervene when it gets too physical. It is also reciprocated and not one sided like your situation. It has actually gotten better as they've gotten older, I never thought I would see the day when they would not fight all the time, but lately they have been getting along better. I don't blame you for watching closely when they are together, he doesn't seem to have very much empathy or love for your daughter. If both parents are strongly against therapy explain to your partner that until the boy gets some kind of help for his obvious issues with your daughter, that you will be monitoring them when they are together. I don't think you are overreacting to this at all. As the others have said hurting animals and others, especially those smaller and weaker, usually indicates some kind of problem. I'm sorry I can't offer you more advice than what you are already doing and I know this must be a strain in your relationship as well.

Wow, what an amazing sign. Congrats to her!

I'm sorry about your beastie boy. They really are part of the family. We have Dozer, our black lab he is seven years old and is the best dog, well in my opinion I was always worried about having a dog in case he bit or was aggressive, but he's the friendliest dog, always happy to see people. He used to wait for my husband to come home and after my dh passed away he would sit in the driveway watching for him, or at the window watching for him to pull in the driveway. He is very well trained, mostly due to the fact that I was at home with him all the time when he was a puppy and worked a lot with him. He is even trained to yawn when I ask him if he is tired,lol. Next came Paws, our orange kitty. She is a year and a half. She is supposed to be an inside cat, but bolts out the door at the first opportunity. Except in the winter, she doesn't like the cold. She gained so much weight this winter I had to put her on diet cat food, which didn't really help because she eats the dog food instead! I talk to her and she replies with her little meows. Now I sound like the crazy cat lady! Lastly is our chinchilla, Gibsy. We got him a few months ago and he's definitely entertaining. Loves to jump and play. I had always wanted a chinchilla, but was advised against it when the kids were younger as kids get excited and can hurt them. He likes to be held, but not for long he gets antsy. He has never bitten anyone and is a very gentle creature. He does have to be caged as he is not trained yet to stay still and plus I don't think it would be safe with the cat and dog for him to be running around the house. When I clean his cage, I let him loose in the bathroom with the door shut and he has a heyday, he moves stuff around on the countertop, and just goes nuts in there. Of course I always have to disinfect everything after he's been in there. They really are great company and it helps teach the kids responsibility of taking care of another living thing. Both dozer and paws sleep with me, and most nights I have very little room on the bed. Dozer likes to stretch out sideways,lol..

I agree. After the accident my fil was angry with my dh's company for allowing them to work their two weeks of twelve hour shifts then immediately send them home...he worked in a mine in the middle of nowhere. He thought that they should've made them sleep before sending them home. I told my sil, that if that was the policy my dh would've purposely stayed awake just to prove that he didn't need sleep..he was a very stubborn person. No one would've told him that he had to stay to sleep, and he would've been pissed about it. I don't blame anyone for this..it is what it is. I can't even blame him as I have been in the position of being extremely tired driving as well and just pushing myself to keep driving. He just wanted to get home to us and he made the choice to not pull over to sleep. A choice that has had tragic consequences, but not a choice he would've made had he known what the outcome would be. I am happy that they are flying now instead of making the long drive, I just wish it would've happened sooner!

I felt the same about getting everything done regarding his estate, etc.. There was relief to have it finished, but sadness that it was all over, nothing left to do. There was a sense of finality about it all that was hard to face. At 11 months out, I still feel as bad or maybe worse than I did early on...but not all the time. Lately I've been having a harder time, but I know it won't last forever. That there are going to still be good days, hours, minutes. It is very hard to look forward to a future when you know that they won't be in it. I used to be a daydreamer, visions of a future with him. Now that is gone. I can no longer look toward the future, I just take it day by day. The one thing that helped me was starting college shortly after he passed away, it did give me something to focus on and I felt it was a positive thing to focus on regarding my future. I know this is probably not helpful or even encouraging, but please understand that you are not alone in how you are feeling. The optimist in me wants to feel as though there will be a time that my days won't be filled with sadness and a longing for someone who isn't here anymore. My heart feels otherwise...

Edited. Same reason as above. Thanks for the support, just worried that some people I know might find this..

Edited. Too much info on an open forum.

My dh died in a single vehicle accident. It is believed that he fell asleep while driving. He had just finished working a three week rotation in which he worked 12 hour days, he was making the twelve hour drive home and was about two hours away from home when it happened. Of course he was tired, and too stubborn and in too much of a hurry to get home that he didn't pull over to have a sleep. He always pushed himself too hard. I will always be thankful that there was no one with him or that there were no other vehicles involved. My bil met someone today wearing a hat with my dh's company logo, and mentioned my dh. The guy said his son worked with my dh and knew all about the accident. In fact it affected everyone else so much that they now fly both ways instead of driving. I hope that this will prevent another family from going what we went through, and if it does that's great. But a part of me feels sad too that it had to be him that brought about this change. Like I said too little too late, for us. Hopefully not for another family though. On a side note, I can't sleep at night anymore. Last night I was still awake at five am. When I doze off I awake suddenly with images of that night when the cops pulled in to tell me, telling my two boys. This just started happening recently, almost 11 months later. I know a little about CBT and also try to put myself in the moment, the present instead of focusing on the past but it doesn't always work or takes a while to work. I've just been having a hard time lately, stress and anxiety keeps building up. My hardest times are when I'm alone and I haven't been out much in the day time since I have been done school. In the evenings I always have company, but bed time is really hard. I miss sliding into his arms to sleep, feeling his warmth against me...

I have been dreading it, as it will be our first without him. Last year he took the boys to watch a movie and supper. He died about four weeks later, so this is pretty much our last "first" special day without him. My initial plan was to take the boys away for the weekend and do fun things, then I remembered that I'm the fundraiser for their hockey association and that is a big weekend. There is a baseball tournament and we run the food booth at it to aid in the fundraising. Also since my dad and my fil are still alive I thought maybe it would be worse to not spend time with them as well. Especially since they have stepped in to spend a lot of time with the boys since their dad died.

Having lived in an apartment building before, it would not be my first option. We had to be very conscious about how much noise we made and could hear people all around us. Ours wasn't too bad because the majority in the building were seniors and didn't have loud parties or anything, but it was difficult and I felt like I didn't have a lot of privacy. On the upside of apartment living there are no unexpected expenses, unless you are at fault, and virtually no maintenance to the property. We also rented houses and didn't always get along with our one landlord, and since he lived next door again it felt like we had no privacy. We finally bought our house, ten months before my dh passed away. It makes me sad that we wasted so much time unhappy in our living situations, he had such big plans for this house and really enjoyed having something that was ours. Also depending on your relationship with your sister. Do you feel comfortable knowing she lives really close by, or would you prefer to keep a little distance between the two of you? My family lives close to me and I have been lucky in all the support I've received from them, but sometimes a little distance is nice too. If you are waiting on your house to sell, do you feel comfortable knowing you are paying for two houses? I can't say which is the best option for you. I know personally I prefer my own home. But I also have lived in this area most of my life and love it here, it is also a place where houses sell pretty quickly so I don't think I would have a lot of trouble selling it if I had to. There are so many pros and cons to both situations. Hopefully you can weigh each carefully and come to a decision that works for you, your daughter and your pets! Good luck!

Definitely almonds..do not like raisins Do you crave: Sweet foods Or Salty foods?

I have not seen the movie but creepy and sad and the first two words that popped into my head. Yep, it's a little bit of both

I actually didn't have a career before. I was mostly a stay at home mom and would work part time jobs on and off. He was pretty much the sole provider the entire marriage. When he passed away I knew I needed to do something to be able to support myself and my two boys. So less than two months after he died I started college to become a mental health and addiction counselor. I just finished my first year and in September I will be returning for another year to finish the program. I have to say it's been a blessing to go back to school and have something positive to focus on for the future. The school I attend is very holistic and has helped me in my healing journey. I love learning and it's helped boost my confidence, because once he died I wasn't sure of anything anymore. I felt lost. So sometimes change is good, whether it's starting school or a new career, even if it is scary at first.

So sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

((Sugarbell)) It sucks, for them, for us. I remember I told my abnormal psych professor that a counselor told me that my boys lost their dad at the worst ages to lose a dad, 9&11 years old. My psych teacher replied "well then when is a good age for your father to die? Cause I'm pretty sure it sucks at any age." Love my hippy, no bullshit professor, and that is something I carry with me, that simple statement. It's hard dealing with their grief and loss on top of our own. I'm not looking forward to Father's Day, our first without him. It's great how he responded, I think you and your kids sound pretty cool! Regardless of how well we try to fill those voids, they are still there, but it sounds like you are doing an awesome job!

Well, I spent the whole morning obsessing over it,lol. I just kept going back and checking the profile, googling his user name and found another site he was on, same picture.I'm over it now, I think! The thing is even though he looks like him I know it's not him and he wouldn't be the same. Dh wasn't my type either at first. It took four years of being friends before I would go out with him, and he was patient. He definitely became more attractive to me the better I got to know him. I think it would be a little hard to explain to someone why they resemble your deceased spouse and probably cause a lot of uncertainty for them. But I do see why you would tend to be more attracted to someone like them. Sigh. I'm not ready for this. I think I will stay off of the dating sites for awhile!

Recently I watched this movie on Netflix. If you haven't seen it, it's about a widow who sees a man who looks exactly like her husband and pursues a relationship with him. I won't say anymore about the movie in case you plan on watching it. The reason I bring it up is because I have been checking out online dating, haven't made a profile yet, but just checking out some different sites. On one site I was looking at pictures and profiles when to my shock I found one who looked so much like my dh I couldn't breathe. I went onto his profile and everything matched my dh: height, hobbies, etc.. My dh was a heavy equipment mechanic and a welder, this guy was a welder. Even his posture was the same, style of clothing, everything.. Although I don't think he would've done it, my first thought was that maybe my dh made a profile on a dating site before he passed away, then it noticed that this guy had been online less than a month ago.. My first instinct was to email him, I'm glad I didn't. So my question is to those who have had relationships after the loss of your spouse do you find that you are attracted more to those similar to them, or do you tend to look for someone different? I realize everyone's opinion on this is going to be different, I just find that when I was looking at profiles I was more likely to click on guys who were similar to him, bypassing the white collared guys or ones who looked too "perfect". As much as I used to complain that my dh got so involved in what he was working on he didn't care how dirty he got, or didn't care about appearances(he washed his jeans with a new red sweater and wore pink jeans everywhere,lol) I'm shocked to learn that is exactly what I find attractive!

Yes, in Ontario there are specifications as to the height and placement of mailboxes..my dad is actually a mail carrier and delivers my mail,lol. Since he installed my new post and mailbox I shouldn't ever get a notice I know it seems trivial, but I have been his replacement a few times and it's not always easy to reach into the mailboxes if they are too high/low. But yeah I get the frustration too... These little things that are just annoying and definitely not on the to do list that keeps getting longer and longer.