widowat33

It's so hard to relive those painful moments over and over again. I used to have flashbacks, of the police pulling in my driveway to tell me my husband had died in an accident, of telling my boys that daddy would never be coming home. Oddly enough that's really the only clear memory I have of those first few days. Little bits and pieces here and there, but the most devastating moments are clear. To be honest the two months following his death are almost a blur. At a year and five months out those flashbacks don't happen nearly as often to me. I remember feeling like it was only yesterday and at the same time feeling like it happened a lifetime ago. I can't tell you when it will become more bearable or when the pain and ache will ease, as we are all so different in our grief, but I want to wish you peace and a break from this heartache. Hugs

I'm in Northern Ontario, Canada.

Ugh. I was in the library with my male classmate yesterday, and I had some inappropriate thoughts,lol. There's something about doing stuff in public that's rather exciting for me. Of course I didn't act them out... Right now I don't want a relationship and to be honest I'm not sure I ever will. But sex? Yes please! Now just to find someone around here who isn't married, in a relationship, or who I am not related to, I live in a very small town,lol, which of course makes it all that much harder as your neighbours know what (or who) you are doing before you do!

((Jen)) "I told someone the other day that self-pity is the last refuge of the damned. I guess that's why I'm still mired here. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel as though I've exhausted all my resources for support-- no one wants to listen to me whinge anymore. I can't stand it, I don't want to be here, I don't want to think about it another hour, let alone another month or year or decade. Of course I don't have another option." This resonates, especially the last part. I used to be somewhat of a daydreamer, fantasizing and picturing my future. I don't do that anymore. Yes I still have so much to be grateful for, but without him the future looks just as bleak as the past almost year and a half without him has been. So instead I have stolen the motto "one day at a time" that's how far ahead I look as we never know what tomorrow can bring. I figure if I can get through tomorrow I can get through the remaining days ahead of me. Sending you more hugs and support!

Very f'ed. I'm sorry they weren't more considerate of your feelings.

I can totally relate to linda5. I also went to a counsellor early out, she was more interested in proving that she knew me better than I knew myself, and that how I felt was not how I should be feeling at the stage of grief I should be at. In other words she did not listen to me, she followed some textbook timeline of grief and put me in the shock stage of grief even though I kept insisting that I was not in shock and fully aware that he was dead, not coming back and that I would have many obstacles to overcome. I am very good at keeping my emotions in check and the fact that I was not crying led her to believe I must be in shock, in reality though I do not cry in front of people easily especially people I do not know. Finally I did break down as I felt like I was not being validated in my feelings, and she seemed almost satisfied, like she had done her job. That was only one example of how horrible it was, there were many things she did in that visit which were not normal practice for a counsellor. How do I know this? Because I am a counsellor. I have not completely ruled out counselling, but I can honestly say it would be my last resort based on my personal experience, which is ironic given my profession. To compare it to a bad meal at a restaraunt, in my opinion, is like comparing apples and oranges. A bad meal that you've paid for might make you angry or upset and you may not return to that restaraunt, but going to someone who you trust to listen to you, and help you work through your feelings and leaving with a bad experience. That is almost traumatizing and instead of helping can set you back, as it did for me. For weeks after my session I felt miserable like all the work I had been doing on myself was invalid and not important because I didn't even know myself. I had to finally analyze the situation, and I came to the conclusion that she did not know me and had no right to tell me how I was feeling or how I should be feeling, and once I did all that I felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders. This is not intended to scare people off of counselling...I think it can be a wonderful thing if you find someone who you can truly build that therapeutic alliance with and who is empathetic and genuine. Unfortunately that does not always happen.

Fuck that I have to do this by myself. Fuck the void he left in my life, our sons lives. Fuck not having someone to hold me, tell me everything is going to be ok. Fuck not having him here to make me laugh. Fuck having to hold it all together, when all I want to do is sleep for the next fucking month. Just fuck it all.

Great idea!

Teens..mine aren't there yet, next year oldest will be 13. But I remember being a teenager, and although I was a good teenager, for the most part, I did things that I'm sure had my parents wondering what in the hell I was thinking. Rob you are doing an amazing job! Most of the parents I know wouldn't go to the lengths you go to when it comes to parenting your girls! You see a problem, you identify it and find the resources to deal with it, not everyone is capable of doing that. Amen, yes it's hard and yes it sucks. I will admit though at this point my boys have become closer to me than ever before, I think they appreciate me more than they used to, not sure how long it will last but I'm cherishing every moment because I know that it could all change. Wishing you well.

Aw Carey, Don't feel that way. I used to get discouraged when I would post with no responses, but it realized that sometimes people just don't know what to say. I am not overly articulate, so usually I don't respond or post. I'm sorry that November is such a tough month for you. With all that you are going through with your health I'm sure that doesn't help either. You mentioned needing coping skills, can I suggest something? Have you tried learning some self care strategies? If you want more info message me, I can maybe give you some ideas. Take care

I have those exact same thoughts. I really don't think I could handle going through this again, so for right now I have decided to not put myself in the position of falling in love again only to lose it in an instant. In time my feelings around that might change, but right now I have to protect my heart. Sorry you are feeling this way widowhoodsucks.

Hello. Karin, thank you for sharing your story. As much as none of us actually want to be here, it's great to have this place and I'm glad you found it! It's hard not to feel lonely when you've lost someone who filled so many roles in your life; husband, best friend, etc... I have two sons and although they keep me busy, I still feel lonely. The house still feels empty without him here. The official day is a huge thing, in my opinion. The first couple of months I dreaded Thursdays because that was the day he died. And the 10th of every month marked one more month without him. I can finally say I'm at the point where I don't even realize it's the 10th unless I am writing the date down! Keep posting and keep sharing! Take care.

My husband was a carnivore,lol, I'm a vegetarian..so yes we did the whole swap thing at functions where we were served our meal! There were so many things that never had to be said, but could be communicated by body language, or a certain look that no one else would ever be able to interpret! That unspoken language comes with time and love. I miss him so much it hurts.

Stuckwonderingwhy, I too lost my husband in an accident. It was a single vehicle accident, and it's suspected he fell asleep. I was fortunate that my boss stopped by the house as soon as he heard and offered for me to take the summer off, or come back to work when I felt ready. I decided not to return and went back to college instead, which he supported me in. I do understand about the support in the beginning, there was so much. Now at 16 months out it has tapered off to mainly just being my family and my dh's family who help out. And I'm very grateful for them because I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am to have family that is supportive. I think for others they have moved on and don't understand the pain we are still feeling, and how much we go through on a daily basis. I know I never understood until it happened to me. Another thing I've noticed is people do not want to see pain or sadness. I've realized this personally as when my sons are having a rough day, I try so hard to cheer them up when instead I should be just there for them and let them feel what they are feeling, I'm actively working on changing my reaction to their sadness. I'm glad you found this forum, there is a lot of support here. Take care

I'm in this spot right now. I am on my last year of my mental health and addiction counselling program. I have been very fortunate to find a casual position in the field, even though I don't have that diploma in my hand, in a shelter for abused women. Recently though I'm wondering whether this is the right path for me. I have had some impromptu counselling sessions with some clients and I feel totally out of my element. I'm afraid instead of helping them I'm going to make it worse, say the wrong thing. I echo Virgo,if you still enjoy being a nurse, but find the hospital setting draining, possibly a position elsewhere would be a better fit, like a clinic or along those lines.

Cyndidd, no intrusion whatsoever. It's a relief for me to know I'm not alone in how I feel! That's what I love about this place..no matter how you are feeling, chances are someone out there is feeling the same or has felt that way at some point. It normalizes our emotions. Thank you for posting.

I just got done a twelve hour shift This is the first time I haven't went with my kids, my dad took my oldest and his friends and my youngest went with a friend. I planned on catching up with them but it was a rainy cold night, so by the time I got done work all the kids were done trick or treating. Now we are just relaxing at home eating candy of course

I'm sorry this is hard for you. Why wouldn't it be? I didn't tell anyone that my dh had died when I started college less than two months after his accident. I couldn't, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me or influence my teachers to go easier on me. It was well into the second semester when I finally mentioned it. I'm happy I waited but it's such a relief to be able to talk about it now. But at times I thought " this isn't fair. They should know how hard I'm working for this, and what I'm going through on a daily basis now that my life has been turned upside down" and I did work my ass off, as you have too. And not to sound conceited, but I'm damn proud of myself, and you should be too. I get where you are coming from, and professionally it might not be good to mention it in the application. Your accomplishments are amazing, given what you've went through, but would still be amazing even if all this had not happened! You are lucky to have a stable career, but you've also worked hard at it to get to where you are. Wishing you peace!

Sounds frustrating for you. I don't blame you for ranting or being upset. It is your house, they moved in with you, it is really not fair for them to issue ultimatums and try to confine you in one room with all three dogs in YOUR house. It kind of sounds like they have just taken over. I personally would say ok if you can't handle the dogs in MY house then I guess the only thing that would work for all of us is if you did move out. I would also explain how much these dogs have come to mean to you and that they serve a connection between you and your dw. If they aren't helping you by being there and there are personality clashes between you and son in law, is it possible that maybe the option of them moving out is such a terrible one? I could actually see it as a positive thing for the relationship between you and your daughter and son in law. It is not easy to live with family, and to be honest as a newlywed that would've been the last thing I would have wanted to do. Maybe they are ready to go and are looking for an excuse to leave? Again this is all personal opinion, and as we know we all handle things differently, but I just feel that open communication is always the best way to resolve issues. I hope everything works out ok for you!

Right now I feel permanently burnt out! I did a twelve hour night shift last night and of course after sleeping for only four hours when I got home the phone rang..grrr.. It really is my own fault though, I have taken way too much on, working, school full time and taking care of my kids. I am lucky though that mine are older, 12 & 10, and can pretty much take care of themselves. Then I remember they will be starting hockey soon and I will be at an arena at least four nights a week and some weekends..lol. I do feel for you though, younger kids need more caregiving. As she gets older it will be easier, but that doesn't help you right now I'm sure. Is there anyone who can take her for a couple of hours on the weekend, give both of you a break from each other? I've realized I am a much happier mom if I get some time to myself, and the boys like me a lot better when I'm in a good mood

I have two, 12 & 10, they were 11 & 9 when their dad died. My oldest was closest to his dad, youngest has always been a mamas boy, and very proud of it,lol. Youngest inherited dh's confidence, and outspokenness. Oldest inherited everything else..he looks just like him, has his sense of humour, his temperament, mannerisms, etc.. The only difference between him and his dad is he is way more sensitive than his dad was. Two very different boys. Fight like cats and dogs. I am beginning to see them getting along better though, hopefully it continues. We are all very close, talk openly and share how we are feeling, the oldest one not quite as much but still more than I think most boys his age. For the most part they are responsible, not always mature though. Polite, and mannerly, in fact the only time their behaviour really gets out of hand is when they are fighting with each other, which they do fairly often to my dismay! They actually like their rooms to be clean and will clean them without being asked, the main messiness in my house is from our furry family members! They have handled losing their dad so well. It was so hard at the beginning, but as time moves on and we heal things have gotten a little easier, it will never be easy but some of the heartbreak has lessened. We laugh and tell stories about him often, and that feels so good to be able to do that. I'm grateful for them. They have taught me way more than I have taught them!

You are dealing with so much right now, and thoughts of hell month coming up probably aren't helping to ease the burden. I'm so sorry you have so much going on right now. It has to be overwhelming. You aren't being selfish at all. It's normal to wonder why me? I can't tell you how many times I question why things are the way they are. The friends going into their room while you babysat their girls had to hurt, a lot. Although I'm sure their intention wasn't to hurt you but rather to enjoy their anniversary together, it was still pretty thoughtless of them. Sending you hugs and hoping you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

Thank you for sharing! Beautiful and so inspirational. Hope can be an amazing thing

While I've never taken an antidepressant, i used to think that counselling and therapy could cure it all...until I took a pharmacology course. In fact I did an hour long teaching presentation on depression and anti depressants..I could send you the slide show, but it might be a bit boring,lol. What I can tell you is that sometimes therapy is not enough. Our brains work so differently and depression isn't always just about "feelings" but can be about what is going on in our brains. Without getting into the boring parts about neurons, neurotransmitters, etc..there are neurotransmitters in our brains that send signals from one neuron to the other, if these aren't being sent or they are involved in the reuptake process without being received it can cause depression. I'm going to assume that they have started him on an SSRI, this is usually the first step and the one less likely to cause side effects. The most common side effects of antidepressants all start with an s, stomach issues, sexual dysfunction, sedation and last and scariest seizures. But typically they start out on a low dose and if there is no improvement they will increase it, until he reaches a therapeutic dose, one that works. The only problem with an SSRI is that it only helps if his serotonin levels are low, it doesn't address depletion or reuptake of norepeniphrine or dopamine, the other two transmitters responsible for those feel good emotions. In the case of this they would start him on a heterocyclic antidepressant which would address those issues. And again it's always started at a low dose and any side effects should be reported and discussed with a doctor, especially before discontinuing a drug. It can actually be dangerous to stop taking them, not trying to scare you. Sorry if this post is long. I guess all I'm really saying is whatever side effects he may experience are likely to be less harmful than what they warn. Depression can develop into a very scary thing and I personally feel that the pros of taking an antidepressant outweigh the cons. Again just my opinion, good luck and I hope everything works out ok.

Does anyone else just feel emotionally numb sometimes? Like my life is just, I don't know, blah?! I'm busy, with the kids, with school and just recently I started a casual position at a shelter for abused women. But I still feel just whatever about it all. I'm not depressed, sad, anything like that. I do have moments of happiness for sure, but mostly I just feel like what's the point. There is something missing from my life, obvious answer is my dh, but it's more than that.. Hard to explain.