widowat33

((Jen))

My dh's closest friend was a superstar after he passed away. He spent practically the first week here at the house just helping out, listening and sharing stories. He was one of the few who didn't fade away as time passed. We would go out at least once a week for lunch, he would spend time with the boys and paid for and built them both tree houses. He started a new job a while ago and we don't see him as much because he has to work away for long periods of time, but when he's home we try to get together for supper or a visit. He is kind, caring, generous and awesome with the boys. And I'm sure his wife and kids think so too,lol! I'm so grateful for him, but also for her because she's understanding and not at all jealous of the time we spend together. If he were single I could see maybe being attracted to him, but I respect them both way too much to even let my mind wander in that direction. For me though it would be wierd because the three of us hung out so much before, my dh him and I, that he's more like family to me than anything. I do see how someone who shares such a close history with your spouse could definitely become someone you might fall for. I say if he's single, ahy not tell him. I would only hesitate if you don't think he feels the same way that may ruin the friendship/relationship you have. Good luck!

I'm sorry that you are going through this.. I don't know much about insurance, only what I learned from "Sicko", we had to watch it and write an essay on it for sociology. What I did learn, besides the fact that Michael Moore is very biased in his documentaries, is that insurance companies are huge dicks! I was shocked to learn about people who had insurance yet the companies would find ways to get out of paying. I shouldn't have been shocked I suppose, but yet it just seems so unfair... (((Kamcho)))

"but there's that other side to being a widow which makes us more like damaged goods." You don't know how many times I have thought this. I have also thought about how at least I was a good wife, had a good relationship, but the damaged part outweighs the good stuff in my mind. Why would any guy in his right mind want to take this on? Who actually falls in love with someone who can't give them their whole heart because it's been broken and part of it belongs to someone else? I know it happens, obviously, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Who will ever love me knowing that he will always be in my heart? But maybe for others the good parts of us outweighs the bad, the damaged. I'm not even a year out yet, so I probably shouldn't post in this section as it doesn't pertain to me, however I like to read the topics here as it does give me hope. Just rambling about something that I don't know anything about, as usual the damaged part struck a chord because that is exactly how I feel.

I never wore my rings while we were married. I had lost weight and I was worried I would lose them, plus I'm not really a jewelry type of person. Now on my right hand I wear a ring with his ashes in it, strangely enough I only take it off when I go to bed. I also wear a necklace that his aunt and uncle gave me after he passed away. These mean as much, or maybe more, than my wedding ring, to me. So it was never a question as to whether it was the right time to take them off. I would echo the great advice here..do what feels best for you! If it doesn't feel right with them off or on the other hand, put them back on.

My main concern with travelling was due to the fact that my dh died in an accident. I'm better about travelling now. I get the routine thing though.. I started college less than two months after he died, so I was very much established in a routine and had other things to occupy my mind and thoughts. Not that I didn't think about him but I had other things to think about. I was dreading the end of the second semester knowing that I would have so much time off until I started school again in the fall. I thought that all the grief would come crashing down now that I had nothing else to focus on. In some ways it has been hard to not be in that routine anymore, in other ways it has been good to have some time off and establish new routines and I have actually been productive in getting things done around the house. Maybe the time spent with others will actually be healing rather than a negative thing.. I'm actually the type of person who is quite happy with just my own company, but I find I gravitate towards others more now and spend less time alone than I used to. Wishing you safe travels!

I don't know you but I've read parts of your story. It is easy for us to say "leave" but I know this must be hard for you. Mistakes are learning experiences and there is not one person who has never made a mistake, not one! I would think they are probably easier to make when you are hurting, mourning the loss of your spouse and feeling vulnerable. I will be thinking and praying for you, not just at 7:30, but all evening and sending you strength! Take care.

Omg. Lol, this guy is going to be single for a long time! At first I thought he looked familiar, one of the pics looks like a guy I used to know, but it's definitely not him. I don't believe in "settling" but with standards that high, I think he's going to have a hard time finding someone

Amazing! I don't believe it was coincidence either. You were meant to be there with her so she could let you know all of this! I went to a psychic about a month after he passed away, she was way off! I am looking for someone genuine, maybe they will find me like yours did!

Congrats to your daughters on moving on to high school, and congrats to you on being the supportive dad who got them there! That drink sounds yummy.. On a side note, the counsellor I saw once (not a good experience) told another lady, whose husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, that to help her sleep and relax at night she should start drinking..her response as told to me by a friend "I'm already drinking at night obviously that's not working" lol. Maybe I should try though as it seems sleep eludes me most nights. And maybe this counsellor shouldn't be a counsellor?! Haha.

Prayers being sent to them!

((November)) I agree with Trying. I think of my husband as being everywhere, and talk to him as well. For awhile I felt like he wasn't around and that made me sad, but now again I feel as though he's here..it might sound crazy, and is certainly not everyone's belief and that's ok. It helps me and that's all that matters. You need to do what helps you, and if going there does not help than I don't see any reason why you should force yourself to go. But you also mention that you feel bad not going, it's hard these conflicting emotions! Hopefully you will find a solution that brings you some peace!

Oh Carey. I don't know what to say. We all deserve better than what this life has handed us. What a mature daughter you must have who is so understanding. That is something you've taught her or modelled for her so maybe you are doing a good job despite how crappy it feels. I know so many teenagers who would pitch a fit about not having all that stuff, so the fact that she is reassuring you that it's ok, speaks volumes. I know how much it hurts to see your children going without things that other kids have, at one time we could barely afford to make all of our monthly bill payments. But you know what my kids learnt from that? That needs (food,etc..) get covered before wants (toys,etc..). Even logically knowing this it's still hard, we want to give our kids everything we can. She may not have her father there with her, or the class ring, or scrapbook full of pictures but she will have her mom who is proud of her, loves her and provides her with all that she needs! Sending you huge hugs, and hoping that this bittersweet moment goes better than expected!

Thanks ladies! Much better day today. I let him sleep in then drove him to school and stayed for their track and field events at the school. He was smiling and happy today. Lost35- I worry about how this loss affects them, it's so true though isn't it? Through loss there can be other things gained. We are definitely closer than we were before and appreciate each other so much more. It's nice to hear of those in similar situations..losing a parent..who turned out well. Gives me hope! Trying- I'm happy your son also got back the sweater. It's amazing the importance of these objects that prior to all this might not have that much meaning. Sugarbell- I love reading your stories about your kids, they sound amazing! I know when I post here, someone will get it, or at least help me look at it from a different perspective! ((Hugs))

Hi kwalsh360. I'm so sorry you have reason to join us here, but glad that you found this place. I was also 33 years old when my husband passed away last year. I have a journal, but write him letters in it and not very often. This is a good place to write how you are feeling, even though our experiences are all different we understand. Take care of yourself and rest when you can!

Thank you Lost35. And of course I'm crying as I read your response.. We decided to put the necklace in the box it came in when he is not wearing it, as that is what I have to do with my ring so I don't lose it. We even talked about how I forgot my ring at my parents house (I took it off to do dishes). I worry about him more than my youngest. My youngest will talk about his feelings more, much more expressive. My oldest is more shut off, he will listen but not talk as much. The counsellor I saw told me I can't force him to go to counselling if he is not ready to go. He knows the offer to go to counselling is always open if he wants to go. In some ways I'm so amazed at how well they have adjusted to everything. There are just these little incidents that happen every so often, and probably will for many years to come... Thanks for listening and your thoughtful reply, it helps to know someone is listening/reading!

Some people are talkers..they feel uncomfortable with silences. I remember being angry at every married couple I know..well maybe not angry but jealous of what they still have and what I lost. I don't feel that way anymore. Angry at people who seem to have the perfect life and nothing bad ever happens to them, but then I realized we don't know what anyone has went through or what they are going through. My empathy was completely absent for awhile..someone would tell me about an elderly person dying and I would feel like saying, so what at least they got to live until they were (whatever age), but then I would remember that they still had family, a spouse or children etc..who would miss them and were grieving as well. Anger, hostility, it's normal. Why shouldn't we be angry?

Lately the grief has been hitting hard. This past week, I can honestly say I haven't accomplished anything at all, nothing. I have been sitting at home waiting for time to pass. Then tonight, my oldest boy had a rough evening. It all started when we couldn't find his necklace that holds some of his dad's ashes. We finally found it and he put it in his pocket, then headed out to baseball for his younger brother, while he hung out with some friends at the ball park. After his shower I started laundry. In a panic he asked if his pants were in the wash, because he thought he forgot to take the necklace out. I dug through the wet laundry trying to find it. It wasn't there. So then I thought what if it fell out of his pocket while he was at the park or playing outside in our yard. Armed with flashlights we head outside in the dark to our yard to look for it. No luck, I'm starting to get upset and a little angry at him for being so careless. We hop into the car to go check at the park, which if it had been there would've been virtually impossible to find, when I look at the little shelf above the glovebox and there was the necklace. Thank goodness. As we head back in to get ready for bed, he breaks down crying, which breaks my heart. So I ask him if he's upset because I got a little upset with him, and he says no. It was because he was worried he lost the necklace for good.. We talked and I told him it was ok now, we found it..but we both know it's not ok, it's not fair. We shouldn't even have this necklace with his dad's ashes, he should be here...I try not to throw these little pity parties, because obviously we aren't the only ones going through this and if nothing else I know life could be much worse, but sometimes I just have to admit that it sucks and it's ok to not be ok all the time. I commended him on being smart enough to take it out of his pocket before going to the park, but we made a rule. If he's not wearing the necklace than it stays in the little white box it came in. He seemed a little better going to bed, but goddamn it is hard to see them like that, to watch them grieving knowing there's nothing you can do besides support them and let them grieve. Parenting is hard enough when there are two parents, somedays I don't know if I can do this alone.

Thinking of you and praying for a speedy recovery!

Congratulations to you both! I like that.."He did it. I did it. We did it." because it's so true, their accomplishments are our accomplishments!

What a beautiful tribute to your wife! What a great way to raise awareness and as you said, maybe prevent someone else from having to join us here.

My boys lost their dad last summer, they were 9 and 11. We didn't do much all summer, but it was kind of nice to have no schedule and just let this new life sink in. So far they are still involved in all the activities that they used be involved in. It could be that he associates his extracurriculars with his dad and finds it too painful to continue doing them. Maybe he will find other things he can do that he will enjoy. You mention that you feel like you should let him walk away, but others tell you not to. He is your son, you know him best. If you think it's for the best than to hell with what other people think! In other circumstances I would say once you start something you have to finish it, but these aren't normal circumstances...

widowat33 writes "I would never allow my children to do something reckless, or illegal." I am wondering about this ^^ maybe this statement was meant for parents of young children. The actions of a teenager are not always a direct reflection of parenting skills. At some point a teenager needs to take responsibility for their actions. Yes definitely about my young children, aged 10 and 12. I agree, and would even go as far as to say that even the actions of younger children are not always a direct reflection of parenting skills. Same goes for younger kids taking responsibility for their actions, my boys know that if they messed up they need to be honest and while they may get in some trouble, if they lie and do not take responsibility they will be in a lot of trouble. I am actually proud of them because if they get into trouble at school they tell me as soon as they come home what they did and what they plan on doing to "fix" it. As far as me saying I wouldn't allow them to do reckless or illegal things, I simply meant they wouldn't have my permission nor my encouragement. Does that mean they won't do those types of things when they get older? Probably not. I am quite sure as they get older the peer pressure, defiance and multiple other things teenagers face will apply to them as well. That is one reason why I don't pass judgement on other parents or kids, because the "my child would never do that" statement has backfired so many times on people. I am not a perfect parent. I make mistakes and I own those mistakes. I hope that my children will follow that example and continue to do the same as they get older.

It helped that my dh and I had similar upbringings, but he definitely had more freedom than I did and sometimes I questioned that as well! Your post makes perfect sense..sadly there are some parents who do just want their kids out of their hair. One afternoon I picked my oldest up from the park where he was hanging out with friends and gave one of the boys a ride home. This boy mentioned his mom didn't care when he came home as long as he was home by 8:30. I was surprised by that, what about supper and homework and chores? While I allow freedom there are also rules that go along with that freedom. We live in a very rural area where I know everyone that lives here, I think that definitely makes a difference in how parent. That is great that your daughter and friends recognized their own comfort levels. Some teenagers would have loved the opportunity to run around a city alone!

I have no experience with organ donation, but wanted to send my condolences as well.