widowat33

It's funny SVS I had the same thought too about the mom giving in and leaving the child in the car because he didn't want to go in. Like I said I get where the helicopter parent is coming from..I would do anything to protect my children as well, and it is easy to make a mistake or not be as cautious as we should be sometimes. I would never allow my children to do something reckless, or illegal. Mine also rode in boosters and the backseat until they were legally able to ride without them. Seat belts are a must, I don't start the car until seat belts are on, especially now as my husband was thrown from his vehicle due to not wearing a seatbelt, either way he wouldn't have survived the accident I've been told by officers, but not the point.. I mentioned illegal activities because I just don't understand why children can't walk from school? My 12 year old, despite having the bus stop at our door, walks most days. Sometimes my ten year old tags along. But they are responsible kids, most of the time. I think the choices of what you allow your kids to do should be based on them individually, your surroundings, and how safe you feel it is. I live in an area that since I have been living here, 34 years, all of my life there has never once been a child abducted, killed from walking or biking, etc..I know that all it takes is once to be the first time, but yes I feel very safe here and I don't worry as much about my kids as I would if I lived in a more populated area. I view it the same way..I don't really care how other people parent their children, they are the ones who have to live with the decisions they make, not me. I only worry about what I'm doing, but there is a lot more judgement about free range parenting than there is about helicopter parenting, which I think is unfair. I just identify more with the free range because that is how both my dh and I were raised, and I turned out all right I think what bothers me most about the whole vs. debate is that although I see both sides, one does get judged more heavily than the others. I also think that no matter how hard you try to protect your children, or 'hover' over them, bad things can still happen. We actually do agree on many points, SVS, I think I look at helicopter parents more as those ones who step in every time their child has issues and tries to solve it for them, or interferes when the kids are trying to develop independence.

Ok, so I have been walking daily, at least 2 km. I have been limiting my junk food intake, drinking lots of water. I've gained weight,lol, how is that even possible? I know muscle weighs more than fat, but my pants are tighter too,haha. I'm only laughing because I feel like crying! Sigh.

I'm definitely closer to the free range parenting, the only thing that prevents me from being completely free range is of course society. If you, god forbid, allow children freedom to make their own choices and teach them responsibility by experiencing things it is often frowned upon, or as we've read in many articles, can be illegal. I am truly afraid for the generation coming up who have never had the chance to be independant. I personally will not be there to hold my sons hands when they are older, they are going to have to figure stuff out on their own. I will be supportive of course, but these are essential skills they need to learn on their own, or by example. Being a widow, I've experienced worse case scenarios, so of course I worry about my boys too. I tried to explain to them that even though I worry about them getting hurt, or worse, we can't stop living and doing things we enjoy even if there are some risks involved because really what's the point of living if you aren't really living?! Does that mean I'm going to encourage them to participate in risky behaviour? Of course not. But I can't let the fear of them riding in cars (car accident widow), walking to school, etc..overwhelm me to the point that they aren't allowed to do anything. I do understand the helicopters point of view, wanting to keep their children safe, and worrying about them...

Four. Two have cable. I don't watch tv, prefer movies, but hardly watch them either. I always had a rule no tv in the bedroom, but as my inlaws bought my kids a wii u and a play station for Christmas, I decided better in their rooms than out in the living room where I would have to listen/watch it. And the other two are in the living room and the very underused playroom, they also have a wii and another play station hooked up to them, and we have an xbox in storage as we have four TVs and five gaming systems. My dh was a kid at heart and loved his video games. My kids enjoy playing video games and watching movies, but prefer to be outside playing, shooting hoops, etc.. So I'm lucky I've never had to limit screen time. They mostly just watch tv in the evening when it's too dark to go outside, or if the weather is miserable. Edited to add: even with all the TVs my kids still fight over the one in the living room,lol

Happy mom, happy kids. As parents we often put our kids needs and wants ahead of ours, because that's what a parent does. Also when they are happy, we are happy but..what if the reverse is true? I think that if you are happy you are setting a good example to your kids and when mamas happy everyone is happy If this is the job that fulfills you and makes you happy, then why would you settle for any less. Kids aren't going to remember that you worked full time and weren't home as often but they will remember when you were home you were happy and satisfied with your life. Saying all of this I was a SAHM while my boys were young, but only because we had the financial security to do this, and any job I could get would be minimum wage which would only cover day care costs, so it didn't make sense for me to be working. Are my kids any better off than kids that went to day care or a baby sitter? I can't say, because that's like comparing apples to oranges. Life is short, do what you enjoy! I never went to college, I always said I would go when my kids were older. When my husband died I was left to raise two boys without a decent income coming in..so I went back to college, actually just finished my first year of my program. I realized that by getting my diploma I could find a job that would make me more financially secure, but also it's a field that I've always wanted to work in but I've never been qualified to do so. My boys see how happy I am learning and discovering new things, how much more confident and self sufficient I have become, I have become a better role model for them and in turn they are happy for me and proud of me! What we do definitely affects our kids, and we know them best and know what's best for them!

I haven't been brave enough to get out the love letters, someday I will.. I think every relationship loses it's intensity and excitement once you get more comfortable with each other. I also think as time progresses the love deepens and you become more secure, not having the feeling like you have to be constantly on your best behaviour, at least that's how it was for me anyways..I was talking to my sil about that how my dh was the only person in my life that I had no problem confronting about issues, because I knew he wouldn't leave, as I said that I teared up because he did leave, not in the sense that he packed his bags and left, but gone all the same.. I used to ask him if he missed the early days when things in our relationship were more exciting and new, he always answered no, he preferred the ease and comfort of familiarity. So for some people once established in the relationship, they don't feel the need to be romantic or loving all the time, because they feel confident that no matter what that other person will always be there for them, maybe that's how your husband felt?! It is easy to take people for granted and it seems to be those we love the most that we do take for granted. Good luck with the clean up and decluttering, and may you find more treasures along the way

I always tell people I'm widowed when asked if I'm married, just to avoid a lot of questions. Most people are uncomfortable asking more once they find out..but as I say it I always feel this pit of dread in my stomach. My youngest will say "you are still married to daddy" I try to explain that although I will always love him, I'm actually not still married, nor do I feel as though I am. I talk to him every night, I tell him that I love him and I miss him, what I wouldn't give to hear him say it back.. It's a hard question to answer sometimes...

I may be wrong, but maybe her sister wanted to let her know before she found out some other way..maybe not to get a reaction. I'm sorry, I know money is not important, but the fact that he is so generous and free with his money with others must sting a lot! It's not even about the money, it's about his willingness to help, which he seems more than willing to help others, but doesn't feel that he should help his own children. I think you made the right decision in limiting visits with him...in fact if I were in your situation I'm not sure that I would be able to visit him again.

I can't add much to this besides what's already been said. I try to look at both sides or points of view for almost any situation, and I think it's great that he's honest however why feel the need to mention that even the neighbour wants him to get back together with his ex? You may be dealing with insecurity, but is it because he is making you feel insecure? I know you say he's not but if he's mentioning how she says it's not the same without him, or that she would use him and manipulate him, etc..I think that would be enough to make most people insecure and wonder about the relationship. Marriage talk would also make me very uncomfortable early on in the relationship, in fact I once dumped a guy cause he told me he loved me early in the relationship..but that is just me and in no way means that everyone feels that way! Some people do just know when it's right, my dh also told me fairly early in our relationship that he loved me, but we had also been friends for four years prior so it didn't scare me as much! I don't know you or this man, but from what I'm reading I don't think you are insecure for no reason! I know you don't want to put this on him, and maybe he doesn't even realize that you are feeling this way! If it were me I personally would be upfront with him and openly tell him how I was feeling. I would also be cautious, but I am just naturally a cautious person when it comes to who I trust! Good luck and hopefully things work out the way you want them to!

Hey, we all have to drop the plates once and awhile! At least you are making the effort to keep your kids in extracurricular activities and being involved at the same time, there are a lot of two parent households who do a lot less...not that I'm being critical of parents who decide not to put their kids in extra activities just trying to tell you to go easy on yourself! I have two boys, they are in hockey and baseball, it's busy but manageable. Even before my husband passed away we took them out of soccer because it was just too much running, it was Saturday mornings and took away time that we could be spending together doing something we all enjoyed. With only two I get overwhelmed at times, I can't imagine having three. Good luck to her with the choral group and her soccer game

Exactly! I feel guilty almost..like shouldn't I be sadder? I know that seems strange, I will always love him and miss him, but through this I have found many things to be grateful for and I don't worry about the little things any more. I am definitely a different person than I was ten months ago, not better, not worse, just different! Yes, it almost seems like an accomplishment, and honestly it is. At the beginning I wasn't sure I would make it one more day without him, but here I am.

So today marked ten months. I guess it's progress that I no longer know how many weeks, or dread Thursdays, but the tenth of every month will be the one day that I will remember for the rest of my life. It's strange because I am impatient to be further out, like it's some race to get to the finish line, except there is no finish line in this journey. I also miss those earlier days when the shock still numbed the pain. I feel no better and I feel no worse. I'm just here. Stuck in this place, where from moment to moment my mood changes, from laughter and smiles to sadness and tears. It's the knowing that my life will never be normal again, I will never wake up in his arms, I will not get to watch him play with the boys and teach them how to do things. The void is felt everyday. It's a huge one. Yet there are still rays of sunshine that shine through those dark clouds...the fact that despite all that happened I was loved by him and loved him so much, my boys who remind me every day that life is not over and we just have to keep fighting, get back up when we fall down. Conflicting emotions..sadness and happiness..how is it possible to feel both at the same time? I think that is what is getting to me, at least when it was mostly sadness I knew what to expect, now it fluctuates so frequently I never know how I'm going to feel from moment to moment. Even as I write this my mood is ever changing... I'm just not used to feeling so conflicted. Another thing to adapt to and accept I suppose...

Good luck! It always feels so good to be organized and making efficient use of your space, well for me it does. My most calm and peaceful moments are those spent sitting after I have cleaned my house, I actually enjoy cleaning I think it's something about seeing the progress and results of my work I've also been told I have type a personality and my psychology teacher was concerned about me when I told her after painting I put all of the light switch and electrical outlet covers back on and the screws all had to be turned the same way,lol. Then as I proceeded to tell her that I actually measure my dining room table to make sure the lazy susan is centred properly she rolled her eyes at me,hahaha. I think she might have been tempted to come to my house and purposely mess it up! But having said all that I do have some things that I find hard to go through or organize. I was to the point that my closet had no visible floor, I would open the doors and just toss the clean clothes into it, so a few days ago I finally went through it, and took his clothes out and hung mine up. It looks much better and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to take his stuff out of there...but it's the little things that bother me, his toothbrush still sits where he left it, his razor, etc.. Someday I will get rid of them... Good for you, keep that momentum going! My way of looking at clutter and stuff sitting around is that I DO have control over it, whereas there are so many other things in my life that I can't control, so what I can control I do!

So proud of both of my sons. Tonight we had our annual hockey banquet, at the end of the season all 6 hockey teams and parents get together for a potluck. During introductions and speeches from each team they hand out a most sportsmanlike player on each team...for my oldests division he won it! I may be biased but he totally deserved it, he always gives pep talks to other players and tells them how well they are doing..just a positive kid! It was nice to see him get it after the year he's/we've had, put a smile on his face and definitely his moms face! Then out of all the parents of all the kids (over 100 kids play in our community) they have a parent of the year award..I was shocked when they called out my name, this is now the second time I've gotten it, and I can honestly say there are many more other parents who deserve it more than I do, but it is nice and a little embarassing to be centre red out,lol. After the banquet was over we came home and hung out and watched movies..it's been a great Saturday

It hurts when people forget. I suppose that is what separates us spouses from the rest..we can't forget those dates. Never before have I kept track of the calendar as much as I do now. At first I counted the days without him, then the weeks and now it's the months (I'm not a year out yet,so I probably shouldn't even be posting here, but whatever). I remember shortly after he died I felt so upset about the fact that life goes on for everyone else, but there I was and I knew my life would never be "normal" again. And it sucks! I'm sorry you had a bad day and then again with your mom having mini strokes, it just keeps piling on. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs!

Sounds fun! I'm definitely a maybe Although I lived in southern Ontario for a year, I've never actually driven to Niagara Falls, but I have been there a few times and I love it! It was the last family vacation we took with dh. The only problem I really have is travelling with my boys..they hate it,haha. Which in turn makes me hate it too! Also trying to get yard work, decks built, landscaping, etc...done here and not being able to control when it's being done (my bil is doing it for free, but on his schedule) presents a bit of an issue as well in planning ahead too far! So depending on whether they think they can manage being in the car that long, and progress on my yard work we might be able to make it. I would actually love to go alone, but I don't think that is possible either! I will know for sure closer to the date

Yum..strawberry daiquiris are my favourite drink! I haven't really drank in years either..now I'm almost afraid to. Although I suppose our bar tabs could be cheap if we were to go to the bar, one drink and done,lol!

Hmm..hard to say. Sounds like dementia, it can cause unusual behaviours and loss of memory. PTSD is typically behaviour that resembles depression, or flashbacks and anxiety. There's a lot of info on the internet on both... I love researching things like that, but every person is so different and may present signs and symptoms differently. Dementia seems to be a more common thing now, I think it used to be confused with Alzheimer's, or misdiagnosed as such. My grandma in law used to tell stories about things that happened to other people but refer to it as happening to her, get cranky (which is understandable given the fact her memory was failing), put items in the pantry that needed to be refrigerated, and accuse family members of stealing her stuff (rings, cars, etc...). She was diagnosed as having dementia. As I said though I'm sure it varies amongst people as to what the signs are!

((Just Jen)) Trust me, you are not the only one worried about that! I do get the "you're young you will find someone else" comments, but only because I'm young, I truly don't think it has anything to do with people believing that I am that great of a prize that I will have men beating down my door,lol. Maybe no one has made that comment for the mere reason that the people in your life know that it's not exactly the most sensitive comment to make to someone who has lost their spouse, because honestly it isn't something that I enjoyed hearing. I also worry that I will be alone the rest of my life. I live in a small community where all the single men are either: old enough to be my grandpa ( nothing against older men, but...), young enough to be my child ( not quite, but close), or single for a reason (meaning, not exactly relationship material)! Honestly at this point I am too busy, too tired and just not ready for any kind of relationship with another man. I'm working on finding myself, discovering who I am now that my 'other half' has been taken from me, and taking care of my own happiness...but I still worry that when the time is right for me, I won't be able to find someone. And around here if you do have a casual fling, everyone knows about it by the next day, so for my own reputation and for my kids sake even that is not possible! The thing is once you've loved and been loved, it's very hard to lose that and think that you will never find that again! I know this is a sex thread and I've kind of went off topic, but yeah part of a relationship is obviously the sex, which in my opinion or at least in my relationship was a very important part.

Ah high school..if I have to go through that crap again, I wish I could at least look like I did then too,lol! But do it! Just ask him...we never know until we try if he's flirting and sending subtle hints and messages, I would say you have nothing to lose!

Bear with me, this may be long.. When his grandfather passed away my husband inherited his reclining chair. This chair was older than us and was a gift from the community to his grandpa when he moved 40 years ago. The years were not kind to this chair, his grandmas cats even less kind to this chair and then when we got it the springs started pulling out of it. So we decided to have it fixed up and recovered. We live in a small community and so we took it to a place an hour drive away to get it fixed. They called us when it was time to pick out the fabric we wanted for it. My husband worked on a two week rotation so I waited until he was home to go pick out the fabric. We made the trip with plans to drive another hour after picking out the fabric to another city to put a down payment on his new truck he had ordered. At the shop there were so many choices for fabric, beautiful patterns and colours...my husband picked a hunter green, plain hunter green. He must've sensed my distaste in the fabric and once we got to the car we got into a huge fight. Him accusing me of doubting his choice asking why I didn't just go pick it out myself. Me reminding him it was his chair it should be his choice. It seems like such a silly thing to fight over, but most of the fights we had were over silly things! I didn't speak to him for hours after that..not during the rest of our trip to the car dealership, not during lunch. It wasn't until our trip home that we started talking again and about why we were upset with each other. That was our last fight, about three months before he died. And although it could be a memory that hurts, it isn't. It reminds me that no matter what we communicated so well with each other and never let things simmer under the surface. In fact we were always so proud of how well we resolved conflict and never let things go unresolved. The story doesn't end here though... My husband was working away when I got the call that the chair was ready. So I told him he would have to pick it up with his truck when he came home, but I asked my sister to borrow her truck to go get it. I wanted to surprise him so much with this chair! I told him that I stopped into the shop and paid the bill and it was waiting there for him to get. He asked how it looked, I told him it looked good and that I was wrong, it was a nice colour and material and would look awesome in our living room, meanwhile it was already sitting in our living room! The boys were excited for him to see his chair, in fact my youngest wanted to be sitting in it when he got home from work. But he never came home. He died in an accident on his way home. He never got to see the chair. I like to believe that he's around I know this is not everyone's belief, but it like to believe that he's seen it and is smiling about how good it looks, thinking "see I was right" because he did like to be right,lol. I'm not sure why I am writing about this, maybe because I am facing the task of going through his things and deciding what to keep. The chair is staying!

Sending positive thoughts your way! I hope you get an awesome offer on the house!

No advice, just wanted to say you are amazing for all that you are doing! My grandma in law had dementia, it was hard to see her like that. You are doing the right thing, putting her in a facility where she will have the care she needs, my best guess at how to tell her is just as gently as possible. I'm not sure about your aunt but sometimes dementia will change peoples temperament, my husbands grandma became cranky and I'm sure she was frustrated at being aware of not being able to remember things. We just had to remember that she was not well and we had to be patient with her and let her know that we loved her when she would get cranky with us or ask questions over and over again. Sending you hugs!

I'm sorry you've had a rough week. I don't really remember when it sunk in for me that he was really gone, but I do remember how hard it was. I still have days that the reality hits me, but it doesn't hit as hard as it used to. What helps me is to remember that although he is no longer here physically, he will always live on in my memories and in my heart! Sending you hugs

I'm so sorry you have to go through this alone. Yes, I get what you are saying about this reality not being what you imagined, I have thought that many times, this is not the life I planned. Sending you hugs and hoping that the joy a little one can bring into your life outweighs the sadness in the days ahead!