widowat33

I have been having a very hard time going to sleep lately. When the house is quiet and I'm laying in bed, tossing and turning there are so many memories going through my head. I am right back to that night, the night the police pulled in my driveway to tell me he had been in an accident and had died. I am back to that night when we had to wake up my boys to tell them daddy wouldn't be coming home ever again. My heart races, my stomach fills with dread. Although I never seen his truck after, I did read the police report that the insurance company "kindly" mailed to me, describing the scene. My imagination plays out that scene in my head. There have been so many fatal car accidents this summer on highways that are fairly close to my area, and each time I hear of them my heart breaks for the families. I know the tragedy and pain of getting the news, news that changes your life forever. Do these flashbacks ever go away? Or at least lessen in intensity? It's even painful for me to write about that night.

I'm just a couple of days behind you, July 10th was a year for me. I wish I could "name that emotion" but unfortunately I can't even name my own most of the time. I dreaded the one year date, but it went a lot better than I thought it would, I actually had a pretty good day. It could be part of the process. I know I used to feel almost guilty because I was coping better than I thought I should be, then I would feel afraid that I was coping too well and that I would crash hard. Now I don't even try to figure out what I'm feeling, I just go with it. If I have a good day I enjoy it knowing tomorrow might not be so great. Wishing you peace

Beautifully written. The title caught my attention. Two months before my dh's accident we gathered the boys up at midnight to spread blankets at the lake to watch the meteor shower, we were there for hours, all of us snuggling up on our backs watching the sky. The night of his accident I was waiting outside for him to come home, he was so late I knew something must of happened. About ten minutes before the police pulled in my driveway a shooting star shot across the sky, I took it as a sign things would be ok, I was very wrong. A few days later the police officer, who is also a friend, told me she was waiting down the road to get the go ahead to tell me about him dying in the accident and she said the brightest shooting star went through the sky over my house. She is not normally the type of person to believe in signs, but she said she took it as a sign that he was watching over us. This is a quote I was considering getting a tattoo of with a pic of a shooting star, "like a shooting star flashing across the moon, so fast, so far, you were gone too soon". I'm not here yet, in Beyond active grieving, however some times I do catch glimpses of a future that can be fulfilling and happy. At times I can even find things to be grateful for. Thank you for sharing this

I finally went to see a lawyer to finalize everything..a year later, probably should've went sooner. He didn't have a will, honestly who expects to die in their 30's, we also didn't really own much until the past couple of years. Because of all the paperwork I've had to do and all the records I had to obtain in the midst of my grief I am having the lawyer draw up my will. I wouldn't want to impose the hell I've went through on any of my loved ones. I also want to make sure my boys are protected should anything happen to me. I had to list a guardian, and executor, etc.. I listed my sister, who I know would take care of everything exactly how I would want. Then he asked me for a second person..strangely enough it never crossed my mind that I would need someone else. That was moment I realized just how much I've isolated myself and how lonely I am. I have support, family and friends, but it's just not the same as having him here, I relied on him for so much as he relied on me as well. It was an appointment I was dreading, as this is the last thing to do on my list. I still have to go back to see him as we just got started on stuff, but I also felt relief that I was finally doing what needed to be done. I have told anyone who will listen to please make sure they have their will drawn up. It's not the most enjoyable thing to do but it sure takes pressure off of those left behind.

Thank you for sharing this.

I have to be honest, I don't post as much as I used to. I do come on and read frequently. Most of my posts get one or two replies, so I figure either no one else feels the way I'm feeling or people can't be bothered to comment. Either way I just don't bother anymore. I do not post as eloquently as others, and sometimes I get the sense of not belonging, even here. This is not self pity, just how I see it, and it could be that others feel this way as well. Or maybe just afraid to put their feelings out there. When I joined YWBB it helped me not feel so alone. This site, not so much. Could be due to the fact that I'm farther out now and have other support systems I rely on. Also could be because of the many years of posts on the old site, covering many topics. There have been many times I have started a topic to erase it because I'm just not sure it would be helpful in any way, or anyone else would really understand. I haven't checked the number of people registered here lately, so it could be because of it being a little harder to find. I wonder if a Facebook page would help to direct more people here?

My dh was a workaholic, even when he wasn't working he was busy helping other people (farming, fixing tractors, etc..). It was one of the things I loved and hated about him. I loved that he was so ambitious and hard working, but I resented the time he would be gone helping other people while at the same time loving that he gave so selflessly of himself. I could never be with someone who was lazy or didn't care about working. Maybe even just setting rules about the phone, which makes it seem like a parenting thing,lol, but together decide certain times or situations when the phone needs to be off. I do get him not wanting to ignore calls especially owning a business and the possibility it could be a customer trying to contact him, I also get how annoying it must be for you too. If it were me I would make it into a game or bet of some kind..during the time he shouldn't be answering if he answers he has to do something for you, if he doesn't you do something for him...these posts mentioning sex and such has my mind thinking along those lines now so I will leave it up to your imagination

I wish I did have tips on how to get unstuck.. A couple of months ago I learnt a lot about the medicine wheel and how you can use it for self care. The four quadrants represent physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of your life. Quite often we neglect one or more of those aspects and it can throw us off balance. I know when I'm stuck, or don't care it's usually because I'm not taking care of my whole self. I'm not sure if this is helpful or not.. Sometimes we are just stuck, and I don't know if there's really anything we can do to get unstuck or if we just have to let it happen on it's own...or hope that it does. Now I'm rambling, as I'm tired,lol...

If you are not pleased with it and are paying for it then I think you have every right to voice your disapproval. I recently installed new countertops and the person who measured them did it wrong, resulting in having to cut them so they would fit. Now there are tiny chips down the seam. Sigh. In fact I've been doing a lot of work around here and nothing seems to be going right either. It is frustrating, and I've said many times, if my dh was alive this would not be happening. We would be dealing with this together and since he was more aggressive he would have handled things a lot differently than I have! It is hard doing this alone.. Sending hugs

I have been following your journey. You are incredible. It is so hard to stay with someone who is controlling, yet it's harder to leave. I haven't been in your situation however if there ever comes a day that I am I can only hope that I would have half of your strength and positivity. You are doing the best thing not only for yourself, but for your son too. I feel as though I've learnt to live with the loss of my husband, but amazingly I've also started healing as well. I think there's a very fine line between the two and it's so hard to distinguish which is which. Thinking of you.

(((PJ))) This lady sounds like a wonderful person, to step in and do so much for you, very special. I'm sorry that this is all happening right now, what a shitload of stuff to deal with all at once. I have been trying for the past five minutes to think of the right thing to say..I am coming up blank. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

((Conflicted)) Fuck 'em all! Grr..people make me angry. I get people commenting out of concern, but some of THOSE comments are horrible, and not all based on concern but are rather thoughtless and rude.

The night my husband died I knew before the police came to tell me that something was very wrong. He was quite a bit later getting home than normal and wasn't answering his cell phone. I remember laying in bed crying and begging god to bring him home safe..little did I know it was already too late for that as his accident had occurred hours earlier. I have always believed in a higher power, at the same time I respect those who don't, because really how do we know? It brings me comfort to believe that there is something after this life. When I was younger I attended church, but haven't in many years as I feel you can still have faith without attending service. I have prayed every night as long as I remember. When my dh died, I wondered what god would do that to a good man, good father. Why would he take away someone who I needed and loved so much. I sometimes still wonder. However when I ask why me, I have to also remember that horrible things happen every day to people who don't deserve it either. I still feel like it's not fair, but I don't blame god. Things happen, both good and bad. My youngest doesn't believe in god anymore, not since my husband died, and that's ok too. I always tell him he is allowed to believe whatever he chooses to believe. I do hope that someday his faith returns. Sending you hugs.

Yes. It does feel like a part of you is missing. My dh had lost his ring finger a few years ago, he had the phantom sensation, his missing finger would itch, and he would forget it wasn't there causing loose change and once a pet fish,lol, to slip through his fingers. The only difference between his experience and what I'm feeling now is that he would forget it was gone and it only lasted a few weeks, while I'm reminded every day that he's not here and it will last forever. After he died my fb post stated that I knew why your spouse was called your other half, because without them you feel like you've been broken in two, like there's a part of you missing. You put it much more eloquently than I could. ((Hugs))

I'm sorry for your loss. My youngest also went through a period of anger, towards everyone and anyone. My husband died suddenly in an accident. I don't think the circumstances matter sometimes, even if they had known he was going to die they would still be angry. And why wouldn't they be? I think it's normal to be mad about losing someone. I really don't think your daughter is only mad because you didn't tell her, but just mad. You are the easiest target for her anger..she knows you will be there for her and love her regardless of how she lashes out at you. When my youngest, 9 years old at the time, was acting out I made an appointment for myself to see a counsellor for advice on how to deal with his behaviour. Unfortunately we weren't a good match however she said that I couldn't force the kids to see a counsellor, it wouldn't do any good. Fortunately his anger subsided and now a year later he is handling his grief in different ways. There are still rough days and probably always will be, but as a family we are all adjusting to the many changes in our lives. I try not to offer advice here as we are all so different and our circumstances are as well. Personally I just supported them, normalized what they were feeling and tried to be understanding even when they were acting out due to anger. It's hard not to take it personally though. Sending you hugs.

Thanks SVS and Jen. Surprisingly the build up to the day was worse than the actual day. My youngest and I went to the beach with a couple of friends. These friends are the funniest and most upbeat people I know, one is also a young widow, I probably couldn't have spent the day with anyone better My oldest was supposed to be meeting up with his friends but none of them showed up After supper we went to my parents for a campfire.

Today marks the day that my life changed in an instant. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. Sadness, and gratitude for having him in my life even if it wasn't long enough. Sometimes I'm just hit with the overwhelming feeling of disbelief that this is my life now. This was not how it was supposed to be, but this is what it is. I can't help but feel that it would be a terrible disservice to him for me to just keep trudging along with no purpose. So I'm vowing to live each day to the fullest, in his memory, for him who didn't get the chance to fulfill all of his dreams. This place has helped me so much. I'm not sure how I would be if I hadn't found ywbb, and the support that is here. So thank you to all of you, for making me not feel like I'm doing this wrong. I know the first year is just a small hurdle in a series of many more to overcome, but I'm stronger now. Even stronger than I was before he died. I will not let his death destroy me as much as at times it feels as though it has.

Wow, that would be a hard dream to interpret. When I was younger I had a dream dictionary and loved figuring out my dreams, as I feel they can be premonitions or subconscious trying to tell you something. My husband used to dream about people dying and they would. A few months before his own death he was really upset and talking about how he had dreamt about his own death. I wish now I have pushed him more to find out what exactly he dreamt but I was too upset even thinking about it.. The other night I dreamt he left, just took off. And his family knew where he was but wouldn't tell me. I was so angry and upset. I have had many dreams about him, in some he knows he's dead, in others he doesn't, but with the exception of the last dream I always am aware that he has died. I used to hate dreaming about him because it caused so much pain when I would wake up, now I find most of the dreams comforting. Were you ever suspicious of his fidelity while you were together? My widowed friend has had similar dreams, that her partner faked his death to be with other people, but he wasn't exactly faithful while he was alive, so I always figured it was her subconscious telling her something (I don't think she was aware of him cheating and I never had concrete proof) and once he passed away I didn't think it was something that I really needed to tell her. As for your oldest in the dream, based on what you've shared here, he seems really mature and I think his role in the dream reflects that. I'm also wondering if these dreams of them faking their death are either wishful thinking that they may actually be out there somewhere or feelings of hurt and betrayal that they left in the first place. Not that I'm a dream expert Just some thoughts...

Although I do not know you...I have to say yes, there is a huge part of you that embodies resilience and motivation, however it's so much easier to be resilient and motivated when you have the loving support of a partner. It's still there though, otherwise how could you possibly be such a huge source of support to us here? You have been through a lot and to keep optimistic facing all of those things would not be an easy task. Not at all. I am not as far along yet, but if there's one thing I've learnt is we are all so different, but we all need to go easy on ourselves. We set such high expectations on ourselves that it's easy to be disappointed. But I don't think we would be disappointed in others for the same thing.. ((SVS))

((Jen)) You have no idea how many times I've asked myself "why am I still here?" It sometimes feels like my entire existence is going to be just getting through one more day. But then along comes a good day, or even just a good hour. Then I remember how to be happy again and I know that someday those hours, those days will be more frequent. When I reminisque about the memories of my life before, I remember the happy times and the love. What I tend to forget is the feeling I used to have of discontent..not with my marraige, never that...but with myself. I have self esteem issues and I was always hard on myself, because I didn't have a good job, wasn't the "perfect" wife or mother. Even before all this happened I used to wonder if I would ever be the person I wanted to be. Now I realize that person is not reality! I will never be that person because she doesn't exist. I wish I could've seen myself the way my husband did. He was my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. Now I'm working on myself, and being happy with my life and who I am. Somedays it's a struggle, but I'm getting there. I am starting to realize that other people can not make me happy, I can only do that for myself. That's what really struck a chord for me when you said there used to be things you liked about yourself, I can honestly say there wasn't much that I used to like about myself. I am trying to be more gentle on myself. I am learning about self identity as I lost more than my husband I lost a part of my identity, that of being a partner. I am not actively looking to date, I am no where near ready for that. But I have thought about it and realized that I need to work on myself before I put any energy into a relationship. I think you have to want yourself before you can expect any one else to want you. I am not saying I will never date again or remarry, but I hope to be content with my life to not really care if I don't. I'm sorry for the long reply, especially as it's all about me lol, but I wanted to let you know that I understand, and get it. Take care

The timing of this post is eerie. Today while shopping at Walmart we let a lady with one item ahead of us in line. She thanked us, paid and left. Then she returned and spoke with the cashier and informed us she was using her employee discount for our purchases! So my boys got to see first hand how random acts of kindness are appreciated! It's such an important lesson for them that although these acts aren't always returned it does feel good to be kind to others

Oh Donswife, I could've written that exact post, except bald head. Hairline was receding but not yet bald. And although I gave the bathroom a good cleaning and organizing, I just couldn't bring myself to throw out his stuff...toothbrush, razor and everything else is still where he left it. ((Hugs))

Keep trying, i agree we all come here for support. Which is why I feel it's not really off topic or political to discuss marriage equality as there are widows/widowers here who have had struggles due to the fact that their relationships in the past may not have been recognized as legal unions, which certainly will cause a lot of hardships emotionally, and financially. I also think it's important for them to feel as though any future relationships will be recognized in the eyes of the law. I realize that not everyone will agree with the decision made, and that's okay too. We are all entitled to our opinions. Being a widow stinks for sure, whether you are straight or gay. My opinion is that this is a long overdue and wonderful ruling and I will happily support marriage equality for everyone!

Great news! And the timing is wonderful as I have a friend who is going to Toronto this weekend to celebrate in the Pride festival! I imagine it will be a great party! Here in Canada it's been legal since 2005. My youngest plays with dolls, so the assumption is he will be gay. When asked what my husband thought about him playing with dolls I always answered "He goes shopping with him and helps him pick out the prettiest Barbie." I hate these stereotypes, and honestly who cares if he is? I certainly don't. I would prefer my children to be happy rather than pretend to be someone they are not! Love knows no gender, race or age and finally the legal system is reflecting that

I like that silver lining! She may not have walked this road, but it sounds like she has a lot of empathy and understanding. How wonderful for you to have met a woman like her