Portside

Some people, both men and women, are asses. It truly is that simple. Good luck - Mike

From my observations, it generally is a recipe for disaster. Some, and I stress some, can pull it off without one of you getting hurt. They are rare. Good luck - Mike

The first Christmas after my wife died, I fired up some long dormant traditions that were ignored over the years as a result of her illness. I organized and held a number of Christmas dinner parties at my home for old and new friends. Lots of cleaning, baking and cooking filled the time as well as provided an opportunity for the kids and me to do things together. It was not generally a sad period of the year although I did have my moments. The kids were pretty good - they were use to a sick mother and, while sad she was gone, recognized they now were able to be themselves and enjoy the season. I kept busy and tried not to dwell on my wife's absence but rather be thankful for the blessings that were still in my life. Good luck - Mike

I want to stress that it truly gets better for many of us that are farther out. The reason you don't see many here with that experience is that we leave the site as it is not useful for us anymore. Of course, that is not everyone's experience but it is far more common than you might imagine. While it may not seem possible right now, long term, it may be your experience as well. Best wishes - Mike

I have not. Most guys I know that were approached by a woman were honored by being asked out. Not everyone said "Yes" but still, no one thought less of the woman or were annoyed. Good luck - Mike

It doesn't sound like your sis knows what she is talking about. Or, she's confused as to your dating behavior. Don't worry - it seems to me you are playing the dating game properly for you. Great! Good luck - Mike

Ok - I get it but since there is already enough assholishness running rampant, try not to contribute to it. First off, you don't have to answer to anyone. We each needed to do what we needed to do to get through the first few days/weeks. But, consider how it looks to the ILs. Yes, they have it completely wrong but they just lost their child unexpectedly and also are hurt, confused, grieving and at a loss as to how this whole mess came to be. Expect them to be unreasonable. Maybe just back off a bit and try not to engage them. You won't be able to talk them off the ledge on this one. They already have a ton of anger built up - based on a false premise but, it's what they believe. They may cool off in a day or two and apologize. I hope. I don't know what to tell you about Thanksgiving. If you've heard nothing by then, maybe a call to them and ask if you are welcome. If not, don't go. Who want's that shitstorm anyway? Oh, and a judge doesn't give a shit about who you are sleeping with (or not!!) if you are a single man. And sadly, you are. Play the long game here as best you can so this doesn't turn into a few years worth of battles for custody. (They would have to show you as a unfit parent for them to make any traction anyway.) Good luck - Mike

Sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. It is every widowed parent's worst nightmare to fret over the kids and how the tragedy has, or will, affect them. Most of the time, they grieve in their own way and come out the other end just fine. Just keep an eye out for real trouble and reach out to others when necessary to help them along. Be there for them as best you can - sadly, they know you are grieving too. Best wishes - Mike

From the perspective of almost 10 years out: Don't worry about folks being annoyed with you for 'easier' grieving. Heck, there's folks here that will tell you it will catch up to you. (It may or may not). Everyone's path is their own. Some recover very fast, most in-between, and some never do. That's just the way it is - do your own thing and be happy with it. I like the steps you are taking to find the new you. If some turn out to be no good, simply dump them and try something else. The key thing is that you appear to have a great attitude. And that is the most important trait to possess. Good luck and best wishes - Mike

I didn't fear dying myself so much as the kids did. I took up some hobbies after I was widowed that were a bit more risky than normal. The kids would bitch and I blew them off. When I left the house, they would tell me "Don't die." It was their normal goodbye. Coming home from a skydiving outing, my youngest yelled at me to stop it and "I don't want to be an orphan!" Ouch. I gave all that stuff up. Still, I carried an ICE card in my wallet that explained the kids were alone with no family close along with their school info. I listed next of kin as one of the neighborhood moms whom I was good friends with. For me, the worst thing would have been for me to be hurt/dead and the kids sitting alone at home with Dad not showing up to make supper. :'( Ugh. Mike

Jen - please accept my sympathies on the loss of your husband. That sick feeling will go away in time so try to put one foot in front of the other and try to keep going. If everything is making you sick, try pedialyte. If you don't eat/drink you will feel even worse. Good luck - Mike

Hi Kaycee - I think it is perfectly normal to be afraid to be alone right now. But try not to think too far into the future and how things will play out. You may be getting ahead of yourself. All my children have left my home now to live their adults lives but I am only as alone as I want to be. I'm busier than I have ever been. It's a good thing. As far as your absent friends - there is a bunch of stuff going on with that. First and foremost, you're right, many of them have no idea of what to say. They don't want to say the wrong thing and, as a result, many will say nothing at all. Being pretty far out, I can understand that. Even among the posters here, what one finds comforting another will find insulting or insensitive. Also, you now, unfortunately, are seen by some of your friends as a real life example of what can happen to a carefully crafted life. It's not personal. Not at all. It's just that they now have a physical woman/family right in front of them where things didn't work out as planned. And it shakes them to their very core. Folks instinctively avoid that which is scary. I'm at the stage of life where I pity them. They just don't know any better. Chin up, eyes straight ahead and take a deep breath. It does get better in time. I'm pulling for you - Best wishes, Mike

Last I checked: DJIA, S&p, NASDAQ all up big time now. What a ride from down 7% to up 3% in 12 hours. Always, always, always invest for the long term. Forget about short-term, and especially daily, volatility. Mike

Damn! I thought only guys had to do the equivalent. You learn something new every day. ;D Good Luck - Mike

Also, there are many niche sites that cater to rather narrow slices of folks looking for a match - perhaps one of them may be for you. If you are a woman of faith - look for a site specializing in your area of comfort. There are sites for farmers, engineers, gardeners, bakers, etc., etc., etc. Maybe check some of them out - you never know . . . . . I found my match on one. Good luck - Mike

While I don’t disagree with you JC29, I think there is more than one way to think about the advice to reach out to those whom we know are struggling. I’ll limit my comments to one small slice of the population that is suffering from suicidal thoughts – veterans. I served for years as a mental health care provider for Navy and Marine Corps servicemen and their dependents. One of the most common items that contributes to suicidal thoughts/actions for vets was the discovery that very, very few back in the world had any inkling of what it was to be a combat vet. Many feel there is no one at home that is like them nor could anyone at home possible understand them after their experiences. As one can imagine, this can lead to feelings of isolation, displacement or depression and compounds it if the patient is already depressed. Knowing this is true for vets, I try to say ‘hello’ to everyone or wave to strangers. Who knows what is going on in their lives? If I happen to reach one, just one, and they can hang on for one more day, is that such a bad thing? No, the sufferer is not cured by my actions but perhaps if enough days pass that they can hold on, a cure will be available to them for whatever ails them. A call could provide the same contact that might, and I stress, might, help. It’s a possibility I am willing to hope for. Btw, my late wife was always going to kill herself. I knew it, she knew, hell, everyone around us knew it. All the treatments in the world did not, and could not, save her. But I wave anyway. Best wishes - Mike

Please accept my sympathies on the passing of your wife. Yeah, finding out things after they pass stinks doesn't it? My late wife, when she would run away, would shack up with anyone that could afford her price - that happened to be whiskey. Over the years, I've made my peace with it and am no longer angered by it. It's done and gone and I'm still here having raised my sons into fine young men. You'll be P.O'd for awhile - maybe a long while - but work to try to forget all the BS and concentrate on the good things she was and speak well of her to all, especially the kids. They, and no one else really, don't need to know the full truth of what really was going on. I found it's just better to move on and forget the trashy parts of my late wife's life. Good luck and again, sorry for your loss. Mike

Dude chill. There is evidence of an ass related to this story but is it probably not the person you are thinking of.

They are thinking/hoping you are as cheap as they are. Simple as that. Mike

Goodness - if I did that there'd be a number of distilleries that would go out of business. But I was a sailor so there's that. Best wishes - Mike

The amount of SS that came for my two boys was not affected when they turned 16. When my first one left high school his benefit was discontinued and the benefit for my one remaining in HS was not affected. I don't fully understand SS benefits but it is probably different for everyone. Your best bet is to get an appointment at the local SS office and see what they have to say. If you call them you'll just be wasting your time. Good luck - Mike

SB - Well, first things first - you WILL run into him eventually. Rather, he will run into you. He will track you down to see what you are up to. So, be prepared - and prepare your children. As I have said before, the entire, unvarnished truth is not needed. "This is a guy I use to know but he's a bad person so I cut ties with him." Or something like that. Truth but by no means complete. To deny his involvement in your previous life will come back to bite you. As you said, you're in a small town - the truth will eventually find it's way to the surface and you'll look bad for lying about it. We all (well, many of us) have some dark chapters in our life we'd rather not revisit. I understand your apprehension about running into this dirtbag again. But, you will probably be forced into it. So again, my advice is to prepare for it in whatever manner suits you and your family. Face your fears Sweetie. To do so will release you from the cloud always in the back of your mind. Best wishes SB, I'm pulling for you - Mike ps - Columbus? Really, doesn't this town have enough losers already? He could have tried Jackson, Logan or Chillicothe instead.

Yeah, that is a tough one isn't it? Well, first of all, please realize the fractured male relationships you've experienced earlier in life are not the result of anything you have done or said. It is all on them. If there is any good to be drawn from those sad events, it's that you are in a good spot to now recognize guys with issues right away. That's something. If I might humbly offer a few ideas from a man's perspective on how to get started on a productive dating search; make yourself available at the places decent men hang out. Church, Home Depot/Lowes, the grocery store, sporting events with the kids, etc. Of course, not all men at these places are keepers - but as I mentioned, you should be able to weed out the bums. But even more importantly, do you want to date actively? If not, that's okay, no matter what your family says. But, on the other hand, if you feel ready, jump in. Honestly, it is mostly a matter of attitude - good guys can sense if you are open to conversation, a bit of flirting, and getting to know someone on a deeper level. Head up, eye to eye contact and a bit of a smile are very helpful. Say "Hi" to someone expecting nothing in return and see where it leads. It's good practice to break out of a shell if you find yourself in one. You'll be approached by the crumbs too - but as I said, you can ID them pretty soon. It's not easy to find a good guy, but if you want to hit, you have to swing at the ball. Good luck Rooshy - I'm pulling for you. Mike

Insecure wives (and husbands!) will see the worst even if you merely stand next to their spouse. To hell with them. Live your life as you see fit. You already stated you are familiar with your boundaries. Good luck - Mike

I'm almost 10 years out and it still occurs when meeting old classmates or previous workmates, etc. Telling them "oh, T. died some time ago" has never been an issue for me. I made my mind up long ago I'd be pretty straight forward with her manner of death if anyone wanted to know. Normally, I'll say something along the lines of "T. took her own life after a very long illness". That seems to answer most everyone's questions. I'm fine with it. I disagree being widowed never leaves you. It can if you want it to and you work hard to make it happen. But that experience is not for everyone. We are all very different. I have never experienced the supposed shame of my spouses' suicide. Why should I? I didn't do anything. My late wife was very ill - it's as simple as that. If anyone needs to know the gruesome details of her passing, I'll tell them. It really isn't an issue for me. It was, as we all know, a major event that most folks are fortunate to never experience. Since it is unusual, I'll explain what it's all about if that is what they want. The fact of the matter is, I am proud of myself for raising my sons into happy, productive and well-balanced young men even though they have been through the meat-grinder of life. If we can handle this, we can do anything. And that is something. Best wishes - Mike