SimiRed Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 What's it been? 13 weeks? 13 weeks since I walked out of that door and told myself that the life I was living was so out of control that only I could take control of it and walk away. You seen my check lists, my determination to remove myself from the manipulations of a viscous predator. I was brainwashed into thinking I was the one at fault, but I knew that I was unhappy, my gut kept telling me something wasn't right, it shouldn't feel like that! I was stuck, unfortunately for a long time, in a haze of denial. If I love him enough, he'll stop. I felt powerless and worthless. It was so hard to know that something was very wrong, even harder to do something about it...It is what happens when your mind and your fears and your heart are all in different places...you know what you have to do, but you're too afraid to do it!! When you live in a lie or fear for so long, you forget what the truth feels like, what love feels like, what self worth feels like. You forget to like yourself. No, there were no physical chains on me, but I was a prisoner of a skilled manipulator. How did I let this happen to me? Mind games sucked the life out of me, stole my self esteem, it's a slow and deceptive game that you don't even know it's happening. No more.... When I'm done, I'm done...hurt me enough, and I will find my will, my determination, my strength. Hurt my son, my ONLY son, and I will find that will and strength like you've never seen before or even thought fathomable. I only ask for you to POUR more of your strength into me... ya see... 13 weeks, and on Monday I will be free from the lies, manipulation, the games, the pain, the egotistical dirt bag that brought me down so much that I almost forgot how to stand. Don't mess with me...or my son... EVER. Cause Monday, is divorce day, yep...13 weeks and I will have that divorce decree in my hands and he has lost something that could have been the best thing ever in his life. I didn't fail...he failed me! Please, please... I don't want to lose it in the courtroom, I don't want to cry. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster, but I have been going strong and my feet have burned the soles off of them with steady moving pace! Send me strength to hold my head high, to not be intimidated, to walk with pride and to be the one in control of the controller. This is my game now, you rotten SOB! YOU LOSE! He never thought I had it in me, he's still begging for me to come back, even after everything he tells me I did wrong and how this is MY fault. No, it's not... Monday... cheers... it's my new beginning. 13 weeks and I'll get that gold seal that says you can't screw with my head anymore, or hurt my son! Strength, is what I need, for me to stand proud and not shed one single tear....until I get back in my car, then I'll just lose it, cause I've been holding my breath for forever it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
injo Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Sending you all the strength you need, SimiRed, hope that it will go like you want it to go on Monday. You are incredible, you have already shown that you are a powerful woman and mother. You are not going to lose it in that courtroom, you already "won", so no matter what happens in there, you will walk away with pride and dignity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedmensa Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You don't need my strength, you have already shown that you are strong by leaving the situation. You just have to believe it for yourself. I feel like your son sees your strength as well. Our children look to us to show them how to live and love and they mimic our behaviors, both good and bad. You have shown him, through your actions, that you don't have to remain in an unhealthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 SimiRed. You have got this! You are not cutting ties with a little scissor, you are severing those ties with an axe. Once that divorce is final you can really start to rebuild. You will look back on this some day and be amazed at your strength, a strength I think that was ignited by your deep mama bear instincts to protect your son. Your son now knows that he can count on you no matter how tough the crisis and that no woman should ever be treated the way you were. I am so proud of you and admire how steadfast you have been since you made that decision to walk out the door. Go in there on Monday, finish the job you started and slam the door shut on this chapter. You are on the last mile of a marathon and you can collapse when it's over because when you wake up Tuesday, you will know that you can accomplish anything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Go SIMIRED go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I'm with you, sister! I'll think of that look I saw on his face when I arrived at the house back in June..."What's SHE doing here!" If I could, I'd be sitting in that court room so I could witness your bravery. You did this, my friend. You walked away from his control, manipulation and abuse. You are going to be done with him. Divorce. Wouldn't it be nice if it could be annulment? This marriage was all a sham on his part. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 We are all rooting for you and stand with you! Your strength shows in the words you wrote. Regardless, if tears do come they will be from joy and relief you are free from that! Congratulations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Sending you strength and positive vibes...he may not even show up if he's a coward and can't stand seeing you strong. Also make sure you get a court order to switch back your name. The first thing I did was take that piece of paper to social security to my old name back (DHs last name/my kids last name) It was an empowering step towards reclaiming my identity and my old self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I'll be thinking of you and am so proud and happy for you. You're not less strong if there's a tear or two (or lots), but I understand your point and your hopes. So I won't call it strength, bc you're so strong no matter what, but I'll be sending you "composure vibes" hahahahaha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You've got this and we are all behind you. You are a fixture in my thoughts and I am sending you all the strength I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hikermom Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You have incredible strength already but am sending positive energy out to you - you've got this. You took the hardest step already of leaving. and now you've got this community pulling for you with all our might! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Sugarbell... Yes, yes, yes, Back to DH's last name is written in the paperwork. And the rest of the paperwork for SS office is in my bag...cause that will be what I do when I leave the courthouse... I'm in route back, I hate it. I don't think I'll eat for three days... I'll keep in touch when I can. I'll be ready for that bus with a glass of wine after! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlp Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I'll be thinking of you. I'm sure this will be hard, but look at what you've already done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You've come so far and the end is in sight - sending you strength, prayers and positive vibes that you stay strong on Monday and soon this will all be finished and behind you - ready to start your new life with your son!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You are amazing and have an incredible future ahead of you with your strength and hard-earned freedom to guide you. We are behind you on Monday! Imagine us there, smiling and cheering! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Whether he shows up for court or not I would be SERIOUSLY careful of this man. From what you wrote he sounds UNSTABLE. And there is no telling what one nut is capable of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 YOU CAN DO IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You've got this. SimiRed you never cease to amaze me. You have my encouragement and prayers to get through a difficult day. I just want to add my respect and admiration for the way you have handled this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 SR, I will gladly send you strength and my love. You can definitely make it through this last step. I know you can. Even if tears erupt, you will know in your heart they are tears of relief that the difficult life situation you were subjected to is over. You deserve so much better than that awful life. I'm truly impressed and inspired by the courage and determination you've shown. Tight hugs to you (and a few extra to tuck into your pocket to take with you to the finalization)... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 You go, girl! Here, look at yourself in the mirror - oh snap, wait, I have to get the funhouse mirror because you are standing so freaking tall we can't even see all of you without it :-) Even now, there is no reason to listen to one more word that man says, none. You can make it through the court proceedings. You may cry, but that's just because you are the one with the working heart! You can prevail. And a glitch won't matter if it happens, you're gone! Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 So many hugs and cheers! You're amazing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You got this. Get those widow boxing gloves on. I know you can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Don't forget, you are widow strong! You've got this girl!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 You can do this! Positive vibes for you tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you!!! Less than 24 hours...then hopefully I can focus on a brighter future. Widow strong, I like that! Yes, that's a strength we all have learned. I put my late DH's wedding band back on...yes, I'll go in widow strong!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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