Mac Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Life is good in many ways. I do have much to be grateful for past and present. But wtf? You are supposed to be here. Sometimes it seems as if this gets even more surreal with time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I get that, the positive changes I am making leave me wanting to share it all with him. Yet, I wouldn't be making most of these changes if he was here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Every once in a while I just have to say it out loud. "Fuck how is it you are dead?" Said it again today while getting tools from the workshop So yep still working on the sureal factor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Every once in a while I just have to say it out loud. "Fuck how is it you are dead?" So yep still working on the sureal factor. every. single. morning. It's like Groundhog day. Especially worse after nights where he is in my dreams and I wake up and it hits me smack in the face again. Today is 21 months since I woke up in a panic trying to find him and was told he was no more. And it still feels completely unreal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Life is good in many ways. I do have much to be grateful for past and present. But wtf? You are supposed to be here. Sometimes it seems as if this gets even more surreal with time. yep ^^^ this exactly, mac Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missmybecky Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I had this same thought this morning while getting ready for work. WTF, you're supposed to be here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I always thought, from the beginning, that it's HIS loss as much as my loss that I was grieving. At some point, mourning your own loss gets a tad lesser (for me at least), but what he's lost.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I get that, the positive changes I am making leave me wanting to share it all with him. Yet, I wouldn't be making most of these changes if he was here... Wow. I could have written this. I feel like my daughter and I are in a really good place right now. We have done our best to embrace changes and accept happiness as it comes our way. Sometimes, I feel like God or the Universe is saying "Sorry you got such a shitty deal with losing your wife. But here - I want to make things right. I can't bring back your wife, but you can still have a very good life." One evening last month, I was sitting on my new love's patio thinking "Marsha would really like it here." Strange thoughts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I relate to so much of what you all say above. But it is true that I am changed, we (my daughter and I) are necessarily altered by what happened. We had a choice, though. It could define us or we could try - in our disorganized, unconventional way - to make something good, something meaningful, come of it all. It is not perfect all of the time but life was not perfect all of the time before - it was familiar, it was easy in a lot of ways, it was often predictable and comforting. My Dean likes to read this insipid poem to incoming freshmen every year about "coming to the edge" and the gist of the poem is to leap. While the poem irks the hell out of me, the message rings clear. And oddly, the more time that passes, the more firmly I feel committed to really doing it up, really living and becoming - what I am not sure - but becoming again. (severely jet lagged and so this could be nonsensical). And I have those moments, too. Like sitting, soaking wet in a tent yesterday morning at a music festival in Wales after four days without a shower, happy as a clam, thinking how did I get here of all places and then fleetingly that if indeed there was some other dimension where Scott could see me he would be both riotous with laughter that I'd ever agreed to camping in the first place but also that he would be deeply satisfied to know we've found joy again. For me there is no conflict, sometimes a tug of that weird presence/absence thing, but it would be hard to convince me that any of our spouses would want anything other than for us to find happiness and joy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Yup...WTF happened, he is supposed to be here. I am having changes and when it feels good I feel like I'm sucked into a grief vortex. WTF? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I have that same thought every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Our son is this complex, intelligent, maniacal, lovely, kind and generous soul. I spend half my time wishing Peter could know him and he could know his Dad, and the rest of the time wondering if this crazy environment that seems to work most of the time would even exist in, "Two-Parent-Land". It's, "Dougal and the Magic Roundabout", but even harder to wrap one's head around... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I so get it, and everything that others shared and especially these that have all come into my head and out of my mouth at my WTF moments...... I get that, the positive changes I am making leave me wanting to share it all with him. Yet, I wouldn't be making most of these changes if he was here... Every once in a while I just have to say it out loud. "Fuck how is it you are dead?" Said it again today while getting tools from the workshop So yep still working on the sureal factor. One evening last month, I was sitting on my new love's patio thinking "Marsha would really like it here." Strange thoughts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patriciad Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I say this ALL THE TIME. Then I try to count my blessings. I really thought by this time I would have accepted it all a bit more. I still think about all he is missing. I still can not believe how much I miss having him in my life. That feeling hasn't budged(thought it would). Wondering if it ever will. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I thought this yesterday. Actually, the precise thought was "Holy shit, my husband is really, really dead. WTF?" It wasn't sadness exactly... maybe more like bewilderment? What an odd reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuggets Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I am always so glad to come into this forum and find weirdos like me ~~ 13 years (ya, YEARS!!) this past July and I still think 'WTF?!'. I have moved to another country, there is little minutiae left from the life we had together (we do have the combined DNA ~ they are two lovely humans - doing fine either because of us or in spite of us ) but I am packing 205 pounds of love and memories around in my head and heart... sometimes, I wonder if it's too my own detriment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THATgurl Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I have nothing credible or worthy to contribute here right now. I just thought this was kind of a good place to say THANK YOU to people. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on issues that are often considered taboo. It helps me immensely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Yep. 'How are you dead? You're dead! What the fuck? This is real and you're dead.' Thoughts that go through my head quite often. Then I think, ' I miss you but I'm proud that I'm happy again.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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