Turning into a total loser

[Brenda]

It's been nine months now since she died.  Since then, I've managed to turn into a total loser.  Still not working, no desire to find a job (which would involve going back to what I was doing before, which is a nightmare to think about), seemingly wasting my days.  I know I've been through a lot, but I see many other widows getting straight back in the saddle and working, dealing with busy lives, and generally not being losers.  And then there's me, the opposite.  My friends have gone on with their own lives and widows don't really fit into their plans anymore.  I've moved to another area and know nobody, and it's frighteningly lonely.  My entertainment these two past weekends alone?  Cutting myself.

 

I wanted to give myself "permission" to take a break until next summer, and I'd pick up the pieces next summer and find work, retrain, whatever.  This year was supposed to be a transitional year where I took a step back and looked at my options, tried to figure out how to best proceed through life after it was all smashed to pieces, and make sure that I wasn't rushing into anything and that I was supporting the kids through their own transitional times.  But instead I feel like a total loser for doing what I would consider absolutely nothing.

 

Worried that I'm sinking into a rut from which I'll never emerge.

[THATgurl]

Heya - yeah.  I can relate to what you are saying.  Slowly you will likely find that you are rebuilding your life.  You most likely will not notice it when it is happening.

 

If you are cutting - you owe it to yourself to seek help.  I am not saying that cutting is better or worse than other coping mechanisms (and we all use coping mechanisms).  HOWEVER, cutting can be quite dangerous.  I think every one here will agree that it would be best to speak face to face with a professional about that aspect of things.

 

 

[Brenda]

Thanks, THATgurl.  I hope this rebuilding is actually happening without me realizing it, because I sure can't see or feel much progress at the moment.  On the other topic, I already do talk to someone (a therapist) - have been for a long time about various issues.  Sometimes it works, sometimes the old habits resurface.  Not the greatest coping mechanism, but it could be worse I suppose.

[Wheelerswife]

Brenda,

 

I think that some of us project our better faces sometimes.  You aren't the only one who has spent a year basically doing nothing that others would consider constructive.  When my first husband died, I took 6 weeks off and then went back to work.  Honestly, work was something that I could do fairly automatically, and it passed the time more easily.  It was the easier way out.  I spent the rest of my time holed up in my house, reading the previous board and staying up till midnight in the chat room.  When my second husband died, I went back to classes, dealt with medical issues and surgery and motored through the early months...because that was the easier way out.  It was too painful to actually grieve and be sad...I spent time being angry and anxious instead.

 

I guess my point is that we each find some kind of way to make it through the most acutely painful days, weeks, months.  Perhaps you are facing more than I faced because you don't have other distractions.  I hear how much you are hurting...enough to be cutting, and although I've never considered cutting, I do have my own vices...like eating...that sometimes help me push down my own pain when it overwhelms me.

 

Just wanted to send hugs, and encourage you to use your resources to try, like the rest of us, to find healthier ways to help us through the awful trauma of losing a spouse before their time.

 

Maureen

[keeptrying]

Brenda I don't think what you are doing is making you a "loser". You went from the knowing, to the unknowing. You say that your job was nightmarish before, why would you want to jump back into it while trying to pick the pieces up and trying to move on to a whole new life. I am not sure about the cutting thing, I know that sometimes the pain is so completely unbearable that I think if I did just have physical pain, maybe it would make the unspeakable pain go away. I am too much of a sissy to do it though. It is hard because you lost the one you were going to be with for the rest of your life, and now..  now what? - I am still trying to figure that out myself. Too much time on your hands could sink you, way too much time to think could drive you mad. Getting a job, ANY job will force you into some routine. Getting together with a group, so be it hiking, biking, anything would keep your mind busy. I have kids so I have no time to think, but if I didn't, I have no doubt, the pain is so terrible, I would have happily committed suicide by now. You are going through a lot, trying to figure things out, that doesn't make you a loser. You can't compare yourself to other widows, everyone and every situation is different. As long as you just go day to day, you are making progress!! You can do this!

[Jen]

I am going to shout. Please forgive me, okay?

 

YOU. ARE. NOT. A. LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ahem. There.

 

Your world ended. You are entitled to rebuild it as you see fit, to take as much time as you need and cope in any way that works.

 

 

You can't compare yourself to other widows, everyone and every situation is different. As long as you just go day to day, you are making progress!! You can do this!

 

^^^^^^

 

What she said!!!!!!!

 

As far as coping methods go, there are worse ones... I suppose you could argue that there are better ones, but I like Maya Angelou's (probably butchered) quote about "when we know better, we do better." Or John Lennon: "whatever gets you through the night." And like most any activity, there are safer (and less-safe) ways to go about self-harm. I'm not speaking pro or con here, just saying that no one gets to tell anyone else how to wid, and when something else works better for you, sweetie, you will do it. (((((HUGS)))))

 

 

[Quixote]

Took me almost two years before I was able to work full time.  My company was awesome and let me have the time I needed, way past my FMLA period of absence.

 

Others are back at work the next week and loved their late spouses just as dearly.  Work keeps some people distracted, which can help.

 

Point being, we all react in different ways.  I'm going to disagree with Jen, though. If something that gets you through the night, but is dangerous, you need to figure out another coping mechanism.  Cutting is pretty self-destructive and can be a gateway to cutting deeper (came very close to losing my youngest niece last year that way)  I think most of us think about ending it.  Don't dance with that devil, he lies too easily and too sweetly.

[Brenda]

As always, thanks to everyone for the advice.  I guess once in a while it's easy to fall into the trap of isolation and lose touch with the reality of widowhood.  Seeing everyone around me doing normal things and living normal lives makes what I'm doing (i.e. nothing) look loserish in comparison, but compared to other widows, perhaps it's not actually that far outside the realm of normal for those who have recently lost a spouse.

 

Hopefully this is just a temporary slump in mood.

[Amor]

Brenda,

Pain does awful things and this kind of pain no one person can take it away.  What has helped me is to keep busy doing things I enjoy.  Travel, driving for me was for awhile my only peace.  I surrounded myself with people who cared.  Found God and a 2nd family.  Only having to travel 3600 miles to find that.  I know my story is so much different than your.  Everyone finds a different path to take.  Please find a path that leads to your beautiful wife being proud of you!  In the mean time find something you can do that will keep your mind off the pain.  Swimming, running, rock climbing, a sport you like, a job, art, walking, driving, whatever works for you.  It truly helps to have your dopamine( happy) receptors to work without even trying to be happy excising increases these receptors.  Please, please, please try not to be self destructive emotionally, physically, nor mentally.  Which is so easy to do, the thoughts I thought after my loved died could have killed me thousands of times over. 

For the precious memories of our Love's life please honor them by leaving a legacy.

Amor 

[Trying]

When we are in the depths of pain it can seem like everyone else has their shit together except us. There is nothing wrong with taking time off and allowing yourself to grieve. When we start turning to harmful coping mechanisms I think it's time to look for some counseling. Some people it's booze or pills, some people sleep around, eating disorders, cutting, and who knows what else. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself as best as you can. Don't put yourself down for feeling what most of us have felt or are feeling, there were many times when I have felt like an absolute crazy person!  Big hugs to you.

[Bunny]

I did pretty much nothing my first year of widowhood. I practically lived on my front porch and let everything fall to the wayside. I didn't want to work at my old job anymore. I didn't want to keep busy. I didn't want to exercise. I didn't want to feel better. I just wanted to grieve. The only distraction I gave myself was marathon sessions of watching shows on Netflix.

 

Eventually, in the second year, I got so bored with myself. I got sick and tired of my constant grieving. And I started taking baby steps to enter back into the land of the living. I'm still taking those steps- big, small, backwards, forwards, in my 4th year of widowhood. I do wish I didnt still have so many anxiety issues, but everyone was right: Time is your friend. Your very very Best Friend.

 

You are NOT a loser, you're just on your own unique path towards healing. Some people are just very internal, the ruminator types. Yeah- it can be a confusing approach to others: seemingly non-productive, lazy, and self-indulgent. I got my share of subtle, gentle, loving lectures. But I gave myself permission to be completely self-absorbed and still that first year -and refused to be pushed or feel bad about it. It's what I needed, it's just the way my brain works. And you know what? I'm pretty darn happy with my life right now.

 

P.S. I remember in those early months sometimes digging my nails as hard as I could into my flesh to relieve some of the pain and thinking: huh. Now I kinda get why people take up cutting. It had always puzzled me before...

[Tricia]

What I'm about to say might be unpopular, but here goes.

 

I'm in complete agreement that everyone copes differently and some ways are healthier or more socially acceptable than others. Some help more than others. I get that. But! But! But! Cutting is a whole different matter. It's actively destructive and dangerous. I kind of think you wouldn't have included that detail if you didn't want someone to shout, "Hey! Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better. You deserve kindness from yourself because the world dang sure hasn't shown you much." So that's what I'm doing now. It's not a criticism, not judgement, just an affirmation that you deserve kindness, even from you.

 

As to the "feeling like a loser" part, I think we've all felt that way. One thought that helped me was something I read here. I wish I could remember who said it because it really stuck with me. It was something along these lines: The person we were when our spouse or partner was here is gone. We can mourn for us, too. For that alternate universe us who will never exist again. But as long as we're rebuilding our lives, we get to make a lot of choices.

 

Imagine your house burned down. That would be awful and tragic, but in the rebuilding process, maybe you'd get to pick some floors you always wanted or change the paint color in the bathroom. It wouldn't make up for your loss, you'd still want your old house back, but as long as you have no choice but to rebuild, at least rebuild in a way where you like what you end up with.

 

That's oversimplified, but I think some of that applies to us, too. We have no choice but to go on. So we get to decide who we want to be. Want a new career? Maybe a change of location or scenery? Want to go back to school? Or disengage from social media? Those are huge steps, huge choices. But there are little ones, too. Do you want to be the kind of person who walks around the block in the morning before breakfast? Do you want to be the kind of person who makes it a point to call friends every week? Do you want to be the kind of person who makes their bed every day?

 

All of that is easier said than done, of course, but make a list of what's important to you. And then make a list of how you spend your time. Does the second list make the first one possible? Gah, I sound like some self-help weirdo, but please take what appeals to you or anything that resonates.

 

Either way, know that you are NOT a loser. You are strong. You are a fighter. You are, very literally, a survivor. Please be good to yourself.

[Callobg]

Brenda, I agree with Tricia. Stop harming yourself and realize that you are loved and no, you're not a loser. Great job Tricia. Brenda, you're more than a survivor, you hurting yourself is not what Brenda want you to do. Put your head to sky, take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.

 

We love you!

Boris

[kjs1989]

Brenda, please don't hurt yourself. When you have those urges replace them with something else. Think about something else that would give you comfort in the moment. Get on this board. Call someone. Call a hotline if you can't think of someone to call. Looking at those scars is not going to give you comfort in the long run.

 

I am at three years. Sometimes I feel like my growth and progress are maxed out. I was doing so well in everyone's eyes for so long. I just kept moving and doing. ( although I felt like i was faking it) Now, I am just tired of trying.  I am struggling to figure out what is next. My anxiety is back with  vengeance. So, I just go a day at a time. I do and accomplish just the smallest thing each day if I can. If I can't, I try not to beat myself up at the end of the day. The next day I try again. After weeks, when I look back, I do see that I have progressed, and  I maybe I am not such a loser. Maybe I am ok. It is hard work, and I get pissed off all the time. Seems like people, things, and circumstances just keep blocking my path. But I will just keep moving forward as I am able. It sucks, but we have to hang in there.

 

Please, just take baby steps. I think it will get better for you, too.

[Freelancing]

My daughter cut herself for years to punish herself, to release pain and also to feel something, anything.

 

I recently watched a video on Youtube about Amy Winehouse. Unbeknownst to me she was a cutter. For some odd reason out of the blue I decided to look her up. I had never heard her music or knew much of anything about her. I just know on that particular day I was thinking of my daughter's grief journey as I caught the end of a wild song named Rehab on the radio. Anyhoo, the video chronicled her childhood and the events that lead her to cutting as well as some interesting information about cutting in general. It cleared up questions I didn't know I still had about my daughter's past with cutting.

 

Try curbing this with wearing one or more rubberbands on your wrist. Snap them whenever you have the urge to cut. It helped my daughter. As painful as it was to see 8 - 10 rubberbands on both her wrists, I had to suck it up to allow her to do what she needed to do.

 

((((((HUGS!))))))