Did you lose all your friends?

[Guest fern]

I live in the sticks and don't know any other widows other than online.

 

Early on I went reading and learned that widow/ers  apparently lose 75% of their friends. "That won't happen to me!" I thought. But it did!

 

Here I am 6 months in, and I don't seem to have any friends any more. It's nutty. One of my best friends let slip that I'm not as fun to be around. Another said that they were giving me distance until I was "recovered" (is grief an illness?). I've come to suspect at least a couple friends are concerned I'm after their husbands (um, NOT).  Everyone is a couple and the dynamics are off, and then we are all crazy busy busy with young children and careers (as in, no one is available to help but I never ask  anyway because I don't want to be needy).

 

I didn't realize that in addition to losing my husband and all my life's plans I"d also lose my friends. Goddamn.

 

I think I've decided that I'm going to move and start over. How about you? Did your friends disappear?

[SimiRed]

fern,

 

Yes, my friends headed for the hills too.  I don't really know if they are afraid to face the thought of "it can happen to me", or if they just don't know what to say to you anymore.  It was no longer the two of us, so maybe they just felt uncomfortable.

 

You're not "fun" to be around?  Hmmm, can't imagine why? 

 

I know it's hard, makes you feel even more lonely or like you have some terrible disease that no one wants to catch.

 

It's not you, others just have no clue what to say, so they avoid you. 

[Guest DebW]

Yip.....the problem lies with them, not you, but it doesn't make it any easier or any less hurtful that they stay away. I have got a couple of amazingly close friends and I know I'm damn lucky to have them. They supported me throughout Anthony's illness and when the time came were with me, sleeping on my lounge floor, filling my freezer, minding my kids. True friends don't care if you're having a bad day, just because you refuse an invite doesn't mean they won't ask again or forget about you. Then there are the others who I have not seen or heard from in the 4 months since he died. I guess they just can't handle it. Since Anthony died I have actually made a few new friends, other woman who have lost their husbands, mainly I've been put in touch by other friends who recognised that although they can be sympathetic they truly have no clue what this is like and realised it would be more helpful for me to be able to talk with others in a similar situation.

[Captains wife]

Some of those comments your friends made were brutal...and shows how badly many people just want to sweep death/grief under a rug and not deal. My situation was a combination - certain friends were there for me (at least in the background) but I also lost quite a few friends. Even friends that came to our wedding (who heard what happened) ignored me...not even a card. Certain couples definately drifted away. I too live in a small town and since we had just moved there, knew no one locally and my family lives in Canada. But its possible to "start over" in the friends department and now, 3+ years on, my set of friends has really expanded to a whole new set of great people - widows and non widows. The key was finding outlets where I would meet people that I would have something in common with - for me, other than the world of widows/widowers, it was sailing plus I met a few local mothers of pre-schoolers. Its not easy but as others have said on here - its not you, its them (your friends) and if they cant be there for you in such a life altering period, are they really being good friends? Wishing you all the best - NONE of this is easy.

[donswife]

I did lose some friends or lets just say I am now putting them in the acquaintances category

our best friends were this couple my don knew from high school days

we camped , vacationed etc but they have slowly faded away

I think its more that they feel widowhood is contagious and seeing me reminds them that life could change in an instant

can't blame them, we might have acted the same way but it's still hard

I do have two really close friends who I can turn to plus family

but even for them its hard to figure out what I need when I don't even know

I do cherish coming here

[Trying]

I have lost friends as well.  Some people just don't know what to say.  Some people can't face the level of pain.  Couple friends don't know if they should include you or not.  Some just don't get it because they have never experienced any type of significant grief.  And I have to admit, I pushed some people away.  I didn't take them up on early offers, I didn't return phone calls, I isolated myself in the beginning, and some people gave up.  It takes a lot of time and effort to build new friendships and to maintain old ones, this is something I really to need to work on more.  I am finally at the point where I am taking responsibility for my role in friendships lost and working on forgiving those who hurt me or walked away.  Realizing how losing a spouse effects every single part of our lives is so hard.

[MamaZ]

I lost almost all of my friends, many who feared I would suddenly be a home wrecker (threatened by their hubbies wanting to help as they hoped friends would help THEIR families if the worst happened, sigh). A couple friends came back, years later. Another couple never waivered.

 

Weird part is, I lost family, too. I guess D's folks were involved only for him, not for his kids or his wife who should have died instead, perhaps...

 

I feel your pain. It sucks to lose nearly ALL through no fault of our own. Luckily, new friends are to be found. It just takes work and time, unfortunately.

[Guest fern]

MamaZ, I feel like I lost my inlaws too! Everyone lives in other states, as does my family (who are mostly in another country), so it's been hard to have no family AND no friends. My husbands relatives called in the beginning but it was awkward to know what to say and it is my fault probably for not calling back. I felt so judged all the time. "You should look after yourself" one sibling said. Um, when?  "I hope you're getting counseling" said my mother in law.  Another sibling said it was hard for them to see us right now.  Then over the summer I asked if anyone could take Bean for a week so I could take a break (haven't had a break yet. went right from cancer caregiver to grieving solo parent) and they were all too busy. Same thing when I asked if someone could put me out of my misery and take on the admin for the medical bills. It is so demoralizing that the bills are still coming and I still have to call the insurance company and haggle with billling departments. (We live in a communal property state so I am liable for my husbands medical bills).

[swilson]

Yes I notice some friends have a sort of "Aw crap, guess we better speak" look when I bump into them. A few of the in-laws are distant, makes one wonder if they only put up with us out of family obligation.

[CJF]

Most friends have disappeared. I have 3 who stuck by me - one more than the others. She invites me to things all the time and when I say no she doesn't give up on me.

All of our "couple" friends I've not heard from in the 4 1/2 years since my husband's death. It bothered me in the beginning but I've gotten over it.  I've seen a few in the grocery store and they seem to run the other way!  So, yes it happens!

[Bear Tomás]

I lost some but gained some. A guy who I barely knew before Laurie died, put in a new heating unit at our house in NJ for free. I have other similar stories too. Old friends disappeared and new friends took their place. Such is life. 

[jlp]

I can't say I've lost friends, but most of our "couple" friends are a lot more distant.  On the other hand, some people that I wasn't particularly close to before have really stepped up and have been a great help.

 

I haven't made a lot of new friends yet, but I am going to start to try to make more of an effort.  It's hard, though.

 

I can't believe someone said you're not as much fun anymore.  Really?  It just goes to show how clueless people are.  But I guess if you haven't lived it, you just have no idea ...

 

[Virgo]

Lost some, but gained some. During Phil's treatments I made a lot of new friends and reconnected with friends from high school. Most of the friends I lost were couples that we spent time with. The dynamics have just changed.

[SieOma]

I lost most of my friends. I also lived in a rural area at the time. Relocating was one of the best decisions I made after my husband died. The anonymity gave me some peace and partly because I had no expectations from people. It's far more lonely when people who know and should be better for you are in close proximity but don't come around or call. If I wanted to have a "normal" day, I could. I could walk into a store as if I had no problems and never ran into someone who looked at me with that weird head-tilt pity or fake concern, or worse, like I wasn't grieving "right." Likewise, if I wanted to be left alone and keep to myself, I blended in with everyone else. I took my time making new friends and reconnected with friends I had lost touch with over the years before I married. It was good for me.

[anniegirl]

Yes, a lot of people took a powder but I reconnected with a fair number of them later on - though I will say that I am probably less interested in them now than they are in me.

 

I was never one to have a ton of close friends. Just a couple and they are still around.

 

Life changing events (even the good ones) shuffle the friendship decks. At least that's been my experience.

[kjs1989]

Yes, I have lost some friends, mostly those that were D's friends first, and I met them through him. They are gone. Others, where the women and I were good friends as well as being couple friends, have stayed by me.

 

But, what people are saying about relatives, especially inlaws, is so true.  I really believe now that D is gone his brother and wife consider me an outsider. They never bothered to let me know a beloved aunt of my husband's had died so I could attend the funeral.  BIL even went so far as to tell someone (who told me) that I am not a (insert married name), but my kids are, because they are blood. Unbelievable. I confronted him and he didn't deny saying it, but merely downplayed it.

[Euf]

I lost friends and gained friends.

 

Although it really hurt to lose some of the people I considered good friends, I now see it as part of life.

 

You get married and some of your single friends fall by the wayside. You just don?t have that much in common anymore.  You have kids and you end up being friends with other people that have kids. If you get divorced, you end up relating to others that are divorced. You have something in common. You are widowed and you don?t really fit in the world of couples anymore. Except for those special people that always liked you for who you are and not because you were part of a couple that fit into their life.

 

With that being said, I now have new and old friends. Single, married, divorced, never married, widowed.

 

The end result of all the shuffling around of my friends is that I lost people that were friends because life threw us together but I held on to and gained friends that like me because of who I am. Not friends that were only friends because we were going through the same thing at the same time.

 

The best advice I can give you is to open yourself up to new people. Your life isn?t the same anymore. Yes, it sucks. We didn?t ask for this but this is where we are.

 

I feel as if I have weeded out the people that didn?t matter anyway.  I?m better off for it. I?m going for quality over quantity.

 

[Guest fern]

It's far more lonely when people who know and should be better for you are in close proximity but don't come around or call.

 

Yet again, what an incredible forum this is. So much of this is about being alone and here you all are, going through this awful shit too.

 

Every time little Bean and I go away, I feel more "normal" (whatever that is) and then when I get home, I start to fill up with resentment that my nearby friends haven't reached out since the funeral.

 

I've been wondering if moving would help, and maybe that is the answer. Glad to hear that might have worked for you.

 

[DonnaP]

Yes, I have lost some friends, mostly those that were D's friends first, and I met them through him. They are gone. Others, where the women and I were good friends as well as being couple friends, have stayed by me.

 

But, what people are saying about relatives, especially inlaws, is so true.  I really believe now that D is gone his brother and wife consider me an outsider. They never bothered to let me know a beloved aunt of my husband's had died so I could attend the funeral.  BIL even went so far as to tell someone (who told me) that I am not a (insert married name), but my kids are, because they are blood. Unbelievable. I confronted him and he didn't deny saying it, but merely downplayed it.

 

My in-laws slowly morphed into out-laws too. And my group of friends shifted, slowly, over time. I hardly see or hear from those individuals who I considered close friends when Mick was alive. But there are others who stayed true and were there for me when I needed them.

 

As another person commented, it is far better to go for quality over quantity.

 

Donna

[canadiangirl]

The end result of all the shuffling around of my friends is that I lost people that were friends because life threw us together but I held on to and gained friends that like me because of who I am. Not friends that were only friends because we were going through the same thing at the same time.

 

Euf, this is profound, thank you.  It depresses me a little because I think it IS true and those no longer in my life probably do not like me because of who I am, but it also has given me a little wisdom that makes it easier to let them go.

[BrokenHeart2]

I lost most of our couple friends very early out. Still have a few very special ones that I am thankful for.

As for the 2 sis in laws, well I guess it my turn to loose them too.  Thanksgiving dinner was delayed to Oct 24 and they decided to invite DHs wacko ex. I have no desire to have a family meal with that one. I will have a talk with my 2 20something stepkids but i kind of have an idea where that's going to go. Oh well after reading all these posts I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Hugs to all of you.