That Scream

[Alexswife]

The scream I let out when they told me he was gone. The scream I let out at his visitation, at his funeral and many times over the past three years. That scream is the saddest sound I know.

 

I've had nightmares all week. My dad was missing and I was on the front porch screaming, on my knees, just like when Alex died. In another nightmare I was just walking around and fell t my knees screaming.

Why are these nightmares reoccurring? I need sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and I have to play the piano. If I don't sleep the notes on the page get all blurry and it's hard for me to see. I am scared to close my eyes though. I'm scared of hearing that scream again.

 

My grandma is doing a little better. She's still not well but still hanging on. Watching her lay in her death bed has made me think so much about my future. She was widowed in her 30's, never remarried but did have two kids.

I want to ask her so bad if she regrets never getting remarried.

 

I've always been anti dating but here lately I have the fear of being alone at the end of my life just like she is. She has a great support system of kids and grand kids. I will have nobody. I'm just so confused lately.

 

I know this post is random but I just needed to vent about these nightmares. Maybe since I let it out I can sleep and not hear the screaming.

[Abitlost]

AW, I am so sorry about your grandmother, which is probably contributing to your nightmares. I hope you are able to sleep tonight.

 

There is a lot to be said for having a partner at your side but it is your decision to make.

 

Sending you lots of hugs,

 

abl

[donswife]

sorry to hear about your grandmother

and sorry that is bringing up so many sad feelings and thoughts

hope playing the pianio went well today and was a good distraction

take care

[MamaZ]

I remember that scream well. For me, it happened during D's funeral service when I got blasted, unexpectedly, by a slideshow containing photos of D with each newborn child, our wedding day, etc. I swear, that primal scream simply HAS to come out, or else the excruciating pain would kill us, right then and there.

 

I am super sorry that you find yourself there again, even in dreams. I hope that the pain and fear purge to more manageable levels real soon.

[klim]

hope you get some sleep.....sleep is my ultimate fixer upper of moods....Nytol is  my friend now when I'm having trouble.

 

Slightly OT:

your post caught my attention and brought back memories of my reaction. There were no screams ...but when told he was dead I kept repeating "ooowwh, ooow ooowww" , as in ouch.

 

I was not crying or screaming just saying ow.

 

Even then I thought to myself "you are weird" but it didn't change my reaction.

 

MY husband and I watched alot of "true Life mysteries and they were always saying things like " The suspects reaction when given the news just didn't seem right".....I kept thinking they are going to suspect me of something cause me reaction "just isn't right" but I kept saying" ow"

.....cause apparently that was my reaction

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Catnip]

In the ER they worked on him giving him CPR, then they would stop and the line would go flat. The next person would come up, give chest compressions, and the line would go flat. Then, the line remained flat. They pronounced him gone. I looked at the clock. It was 10:10am. (But the death certificate read 10:00am, pulmonary embolisms.)

They filed out of the room and I was there, alone. My kids had not yet arrived.

 

I was silent. No crying, no screaming. I took it all in, processed it, and remained silent.

But the silence was deafening.

 

And it is seared into my brain.

 

Peace to you,

May you have more pleasant dreams.

~Catnip

[MrsT85]

I'm a car accident widow too.  I had a friend with me who was sleeping on the couch in our apartment, waiting for Tim to come home from his DJ job so all three of us could hang out.  He was the first one who heard my panic.

 

Tim was a few hours late coming home, and I was waiting up and getting more and more frantic, especially after I couldn't get a hold of him through text and his phone kept going straight to voicemail.  When the doorbell rang and I saw an unfamiliar car parked in front of the house, I just yelled to John "TIM NEVER CAME HOME AND THERE'S A STRANGE CAR OUTSIDE" as I bolted down the stairs.  After they responded to my hurried and terrified question "Is this about my husband?!"  with a "....we're sorry, he passed away this morning" I got numb and confused.  I called his mom (a call I mercifully don't really remember making) and then my parents.  And then just kept pacing my apartment - with the police still there - saying things like "I don't even know what life is anymore....I don't know what to do....."

 

The screaming only really happened (happens?) when I'm quite drunk.  That's when the brutal, animalistic pain still manages to creep through the cracks.

[Bunny]

I am remembering that first couple years, and especially those first few months, I would just need to scream Right Now- the pressure inside would get unbearably intense so I'd grab a pillow and let it out... I remember one time sitting on a friend's porch, she does animal rescue and I didn't want to upset her half a dozen dogs but felt one bubbling to the surface so I calmly apologized, told her I needed to go into her bathroom to scream into a towel, and quickly made my way. It was almost like that feeling of needing to throw up...

 

I hope you are doing better this week, Amy. I think of you often...

[twistedmensa]

I know that scream. I'm glad my son was at school when I let it out.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope you get some nightmare-free sleep.

[donswife]

I have been feeling that scream in my heart all this week ...don's birthday in a few days

then ..10 days later ...gone

i so wish we didn't have this sound in our hearts and ears

take care

 

 

[Dark Rose]

God I was starting to feel a little crazy, been feeling that scream...

[luvmy2babies]

That primal scream, I remember it well.  I?m probably queen of keeping things inside.  I don?t recommend it.  Scream if you must.  Took 18 months; but scream I did one day during alter call at church when I had gone up for prayer.  I had been feeling frightening anger over what happened and when the lady starting praying, everything came out.  Thankfully my children were in Children?s church in another building.

[Freelancing]

I remember that SCREAM very well almost 9yrs later. As a matter of fact, I had a plastic keychain figure of Edvard Munch's "The Scream"  I carried daily for years - its now safely kept in a memory box.Whenever I was away from home and felt the need to scream (always!) I'd grab hold of it and rub it till the feeling subsided.

About being single - I'm good with it! As soon as I adjusted to not being married and got through the worst of grief, I was good to go. It was alot of hard work to get there, but I was determined to heal myself.In doing so, it also meant no dating, recoupling, remarriage, no sex, nada, zip, no thank you to any of it. That is not to say I didn't think about it when my fears were at a high level as a possible escape. What it did do is make me confront my fears over and over again till I had a grasp on it/them. It empowered me over the things I could control.

Hope this helps!

[Torn]

I remember the sound and honestly the effect of than soul tearing moan/scream.

  I was so glad I was alone at that time, definitely a odd uncontrolled sound and feeling.

[Freelancing]

In reading your post the first time I didn't notice your youthfulness. I'm single because I've been there done that - decades of marriage, kids, career, etc and I want to do different things now. You on the other hand have yet to experience the other milestones life has to offer. We never know what the future has in store for us. I never thought I'd be married or birthing babies in my mid to late thirties. Totally unexpected! It could very well happen to you.

[Carey]

I can't remember if I screamed. All I remember is saying  NO NO NO NO over and over.  then I grabbed the keys and drove to the church (it was a sunday morning, service was going on). I even left one of my kids at home by accident. I don't remember driving there.  or walking in .. I just knew if I could get there my sister would fix it and that man on the phone would have made a mistake.