cross post - 1 year - what will you do?

[sdarrah1130]

What will you do for 1 year?

 

I have a few months until the 1 year mark (02/26/2016) and I am thinking about a vacation that week.  I think it is a good idea to be away and not focus on the "this time last year" but I am feeling a bit guilty to be "enjoying" myself on vacation. 

 

UGH!  What to do.........

[donswife]

I am dealing with the same problem

the "year" is next sunday ...good thing is a bago is planned for dinner that Saturday

So I am going to that (the timing just seemed perfect )

I decided to make a weekend out of it and stay in that area overnight

that way I am not home and like you said thinking about this time last year

I think it would be a good idea for you to take a vacation , change of scenery could help

 

[JacklessSally]

The 1 year mark was yesterday.

I stayed home from work and stayed in bed a little later than my therapist suggested.

At night, his mother and I went out to the cemetary and released two sky lanterns for him.

[Mizpah]

My one year, I spent mostly in solitude, but considered it a quiet celebration of my having survived a year of something completely unbearable.  I wandered around the City all day - luckily, it was a bright and sunny day.  I took myself out to lunch.  I bought myself a pair of jeans I'd been wanting.  I tried to make it less about death, and more about my own survival.  I'd spent nearly every moment of the year about him.  I gave myself a day for me, being proud of me, as he would have been. 

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I just passed a year from my brother's suicide. I have a picture of us when we were 3 and 4. It took everything I had to look at it. I'm still struggling with how to deal with it one year later. I don't think it's gotten any easier. My fiancee's passing is coming up in March. I look toward that day with dread.

 

My lady did her best to help me with my brother's passing, but no one's around to help me deal with her's. I do not see myself having plans or dinners. It's still too hard to look at pictures. Sadly, I'll end up distracting myself, instead of dealing with it.

[biscuit]

I too am contemplating what to do.

 

I want to be as prepared as possible to make this day the least unbearable it can be. But, from my experience with grief so far, I know there is just no anticipating the intensity and complexity of emotions.

 

Some options I'm considering:

1) Throwing a small get together and celebrating Wayne's life with stories and his favorite foods

2) Not doing anything and hiding out from the world

3) Going on vacation

4) Doing a memorial with some symbolic message release

5) Ignoring Wayne, and just focusing on me and trying to get through the day by doing fun activities

6)Taking sleeping pills and sleeping through the day (not really)

 

None of these options seem really great...

[Guaruj]

I want to be as prepared as possible to make this day the least unbearable it can be. But, from my experience with grief so far, I know there is just no anticipating the intensity and complexity of emotions.

 

Some options I'm considering:

1) Throwing a small get together and celebrating Wayne's life with stories and his favorite foods

2) Not doing anything and hiding out from the world

3) Going on vacation

4) Doing a memorial with some symbolic message release

5) Ignoring Wayne, and just focusing on me and trying to get through the day by doing fun activities

6)Taking sleeping pills and sleeping through the day (not really)

 

None of these options seem really great...

 

Actually, #1 sounds pretty good, as long as it doesn't demand too much work from you. How about going with some of his friends or family to a restaurant he liked, or at least one that serves food he liked? That's what I did with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law when the 1-year anniversary arrived. I insisted on ordering only the food that Catherine would have liked. After that, the three of us visited her grave.

 

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[mizjsea]

My one year was in August and I too was so undecided about what to do. In the end, we (my two kids and I) went away to a waterfront town we had spent much time in every summer - we were boaters. It was a heartbreaking and therapeutic at the same time. We didn't crumble. We had things to do and distraction,which was the best part and WAY better than staying home, for me at least. And it seemed a good way to honor his legacy because he loved the boat and being anywhere near water. It was a good plan for us. Good luck - I hope whatever you do brings you some bit of comfort.

[Wynne]

I'm kinda struggling with this too.  Two months away for me.  I bought sky lanterns, but if its going to be a yearly thing I'd rather remember him on his birthday than the anniversary of his passing.  His mom wants to get together, but it sounds depressing and I don't really like being around her very much.  I try to keep the kids in her life and that's about it.  He loved to eat out so I thought about that.  Again, more of a birthday thing?  His birthday is only two weeks away so I'm kinda worried about it.  I want the girls to be able to remember him too but keep things light if possible as well.

 

I guess I just need to put more thought into it.  Good luck everyone.

[Helena]

One year will be in August and I think me and my eldest son will go on a small vacation to Copenhagen. Just the two of us and I don?t think we ( at least not him) will focus on the one year mark. I want to celebrate life, not death and that?s why I don?t want to go to the cemetery or wallow in my bed the whole day. Thus I can totally understand if you do that.

[Tjones]

My one year was September 30.  My plan was to take my 1 and 3 year old apple picking and make a more memorable day of it, but my mind had another plan. I spent most of my day home nauseous and dizzy and not wanting to get out of bed.  My kids make it hard for me to have my own thoughts.  I feel like I never really got a chance to grieve.  My heart breaks for my girls who will never know who their daddy really was.  So I plaster on my smile and tell everyone I'm all right and cry at night from the loneliness.  It doesn't get easier.

[SK]

My one year is approaching at the end of December.  I'm getting out of town.  My kids are grown, so my sisters & I are spending the week doing "sister" things.  It will be after Christmas, so in the meantime, I listen to book after book on 'audible'  to occupy my mind.  Very helpful.  When my DH passed, I also lost our very successful  cafe which he ran, so I'm dealing with the anniversary of the loss of that at the same time.  Talking with my very dear MIL is very painful for both of us, so we both keep that to a maximum of once a week. We love each other dearly, but have found that right now, talking with each other just brings up too much pain & have agreed to only chat weekly. 

For Christmas, I plan to do things that my DH & I wouldn't normally do, so his absence won't be so horribly obvious.  He took such joy in Christmas, so I feel that doing the opposite of what we would normally do will be helpful.

[Kater]

SK thank you for your post.  Since we share the same unfortunate day, it was interesting to hear what you have planned.  I am heading to be with my parents and my brother and SIL (an 8 hour drive away) for a Christmas and probably New Years.  I am not looking forward to any of it.  It's where S had the heart attack and died last year.  It's the trip we made probably 15 of our 21 Christmases together.  This year I will be doing the drive all by myself.  I have done it dozens of times on my own, but not for Christmas.

 

All around work, everyone is the throes of marking exams and wrapping up the term.  With the end in sight talk is turning to Christmas.  I had 3 people ask me today what I am doing.  Ugh.  All well intentioned but I am just trying not to think about it.  Church on Christmas Eve has long been my favourite part of the season.  I am not going to attempt that.  As I think about it, I have given much more thought to what I am "not" going to do than what I will do.  Maybe time to give that some attention.

 

What I do know after doing this now for nearly a year is that no matter how painful, the time will come and it will go, and I will still be standing and breathing at the end of it one way or another.

 

Kate.