Wheelerswife Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I'm not even sure what I'm going to write in this post. It is just a few hours away from the second anniversary of John's sudden death and I'm sitting here in more disbelief than anything. I never saw this one coming. My life had turned around after losing my first husband. Not only had I met, fallen in love with and married an incredible man, I had really completely changed my life. My old life was good, yes, but it had also become stagnant. When I moved to be with John, a whole new set of opportunities opened up before me. I no longer had to support my disabled first husband (which I would have continued to do quite willingly if he hadn't died) but I had freedom to do things I never had imagined. I had the opportunity to relax, go back to school, travel, think about completely different subjects, choose a new direction. John encouraged me not to rush into anything. His mantra for me when I felt unfocused was, "Enjoy the process! Don't worry yourself with what is to come. It will fall into place!" So...I did just that. I stopped being so concerned about what I was supposed to be figuring out and I just lived our life day-to-day. It was incredibly freeing for me. I went back to school and was working on a second Bachelor's degree. I saw parts of 3 continents and more of our own country. I was happy. I was incredibly happy. And then my world came crashing down. I still can recall the post I made on YWBB the night John died. I immediately felt lost. I hadn't yet pulled my new life together...and my supporter and cheerleader and my wonderful lover was gone. Could this really be happening to me? Well, it happened. I feel fortunate that I was surrounded by a ready-made widow community when John died. I also had the support of the university community where John taught and where I studied. From experience, I knew that I had to somehow figure out how to keep going. For me, that was continuing to go to school. I had another year to finish the bachelor's degree I was working on. (I still didn't have a career direction, though.) So I went to class 11 days after John died. On day 12, I started to have medical issues that led to major surgery 4 more weeks later. Then came the diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer. (Uncle! I give up!) But I didn't give up, even though I wanted to at that point. Two years later...I finished that Bachelor's degree and I am half-way through a Master's degree. I can see a new career in the future. The hardest part seems to be that he has missed all of what I've done in the last two years. And his life was stolen from him, too. He wasn't ready to die that night when his heart went into an unsustainable arrhythmia while he was sleeping. He had too much left to do in this life. His death was a waste of an amazing and brilliant human being who contributed so much to our society and wasn't done with his work. I still feel the anger over that loss. So...tonight, I recall our last conversation and the day of fear when I couldn't reach him and had to call the police to check on him. Tomorrow, I will go back to work and just try to get through my day. I have an appointment with my counselor, so I have a good place to get the tears and frustration out. This week, I also have to fly to Houston to for tests and to see my oncologist. Hopefully, there is still no sign of the tumor that was growing aggressively 2 years ago. I get back home on Friday, and I round out the week with his birthday on Saturday. I hope this week flies by quickly. School starts up the following week and I will go back to putting one foot in front of the other. I know from experience that this anguish will lift. Somehow, that doesn't necessarily make getting through it any easier. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Wheelerswife, Each of us here has learned the lesson about how unfair life can be. But for you, the level of injustice defies comprehension. I hope your painful memories of that tragic day exactly 2 years ago fade quickly into a peaceful tomorrow. --- WifeLess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Thinking of you. (((Hugs))). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 No words of wisdom of any sort, but just want to say I hear and support you. I hope for continuing endurance and strength for you during this extremely intense time, and also peace and hope and health for your tomorrows... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 (((Maureen))), holding you in my heart as you face these days ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amor Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 (((hug))) I am wishing you peace and comfort through it all. Amor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Sending you tight, tight hugs, Maureen. I remember that awful post and the anger it stirred in me for the cruelty of life for anyone having to endure such loss twice, especially someone as kind and loving as you. I'll be thinking of you as you make your way through this difficult week. Sending my love and more hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Maureen, Bless you Fay & future upcoming test, I sure wish for you the best. Once a friend told me I deserved a "get out of hell" free card,because of many things I'd gone through at that point. I believe you deserve happiness again,because obviously loss is something you've been forced to endure. Have a blessed day, ToRn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I will be thinking of you these next few days wish I had more to say to comfort you , Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Maureen, I am happy for you that you got to experience your Chapter Two love. I am also angry for you that you lost it - going through this experience once is awful, but twice is...(not sure I can even find a word). You have such strength for the widow community - sending hugs to get u through the next few days in particular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MauiMermaid Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Oh, Maureen, there are no words. I wish I could say something that could help mitigate the pain for you. I will say this though - you are such an inspiration to me. Your generous nature, adventurous spirit and innate resilience have carried me through my own journey. No one should have to carry all that you have. Yet, you kept your head high, continued the difficult path and all the while helped all of us along the way. May your strength continue to carry you forward and peace continue to grow in your life. Thank you for all you have done and for being you. I hope the week is kind to you. (((Hugs))) xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Maureen, thinking of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 You truly are an inspiration, Truly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 ((((((Maureen))))))) I wish I had better words. Mostly I wish I could take it all back and fix it, give you your sweet Polarbear back. I am so, so sorry. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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