Anyone else treated like a golddigger for being widowed young?

[duckie]

Hi all!  It's been a long time since I came to the new ywbb, but I had an awkward encounter and I'm wondering if others have had the same.  After my fiance died, my grief counselor introduced me to a fellow young widow who was just 6 months ahead of me.  We bonded right away and supported each other through the worst of times.  Her dad passed away a couple weeks ago and I went to the funeral.  As her dad was a celebrity, there were many wealthy people there and I met a nice - very old - gentleman who sat next to me. 

I work now in fundraising and we had a golf tournament on Monday.  The same gentleman was there and, as I was selling raffle tickets, I started chatting to him at his table.  As far as the table was concerned, I was just some hoochie volunteer - not the director of development.  He asked how I knew the family and I say how his daughter and I lost our fiances around the same time.  It first gets weird when a lady says "where did you lose them; at the mall?".  Figuring this was a misunderstanding, I let that go, and just as I finish saying that I lost him to cancer, a lady says to me quite forcefully; "This is his wife, by the way".  Me, totally clueless, just say, "hello, nice to meet you".  The lady then says again, "Y'know... his WIFE!".  I realize then what's happening and blurt out, "oh my god; you think I'm hitting on him!?".  She says "you better move in from this table or you won't sell your raffle tickets". I wanted to crawl under a rock and never leave again.  Has this happened to anyone else?  I'm 38, look 28, and the man was probably around 75-80 years old.  AND a friend of my friend's DAD!

Has anyone else been treated like they were stealing husbands for being windowed young?  God, I don't date at all so it was so out of the blue for me.  Ugh, I just feel gross now.

[Portside]

Insecure women (and men) project their fears onto innocent actions of others. It never occurred to the other woman that you were just talking to an older gentleman with no devious intent. She would never have done that without designs on his money.

 

Pay it no mind - her actions say loads about her character - none of it good.

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[Mizpah]

Yikes, no!  Sounds like (hopefully) a very isolated and insane incident.  ("At the mall?"  What a b****.  Even insecure, paranoid and/or overly protective people should at least be somewhat polite and compassionate!)

[Bunny]

Some people think it's impossible for men and women to be friends. I'm guessing for these women this also includes even simply being friendly to someone of the opposite sex. This is especially true if one person is single and the other in a relationship. Some people view partners as possessions instead of individual human beings. And some older women can get very insecure around younger women if they are unhappy/uncomfortable with their own aging process. And then there's that old stereotype about horny young widows...

[duckie]

Thanks for your perspective, guys.  Glad to hear this is not normal at all and I hope I won't encounter this again. It was just so out of left field for me.  I usually get along very well with older ladies (we tend to have a lot in common!) so that had never happened to me. (And, Mizpah, I agree - what a bitch! How speaking of one's dead spouse could be interpreted as a pick up line, I'm not sure).

[Forgottenwife]

It first gets weird when a lady says "where did you lose them; at the mall?"

 

Un-believable. Cruel, bitchy, and what a horrible person. I would be too stunned to speak. One thing for certain, she is the only person that should feel gross, seriously how do some people live with themselves?

 

Pay it no mind - her actions say loads about her character - none of it good.

 

I agree with Portside, her actions speak to who she really is.

[Sugarbell]

Yes. Not necessarily a gold digger just thought I might want their husbands.

It was ridiculous...to the point that one lady (mind you this was years ago when I was still bitchy and angry) got under my skin so bad that I blurted out sarcastically "Um...you know what my late husband looked like...Do you really think I am that hard up that I would lower my standards so quickly"??

 

She got the point. Never spoke to me again. Some women are just insecure period. To this day..I dress down usually at sporting events...jock looking clothes, sports bra to flatten my chest..ball hat no make up and become friends with coaches wives. That way they don't feel threatened that I want their husbands.

It's stupid and childish. But I have learned how to play my cards right for my kids sakes. Much better since we moved though...Stepford I got that shit quite a bit in my earlier widow years (meaning first 5 years)

 

If you don't have to regularly deal with these people just ignore it.

[TofinoMan]

Some people are just nuts....if she was a chocolate bar she would be a nut bar for sure.

Ignore the crazy bitch.

Remember for every crazy, insecure, lunatic like her....there are a hundred nice people out there.

There is no reason men and women should not talk or even be close friends.

Its just a few whackos that think it cannot be that way.

 

Sorry she verbally abused you. ...but just continue on being a good person yourself.

Blessings.

[trying2breathe]

Ugh, just ugh.  In my experience so far, older folks seem to think that getting a man is a widow's main focus. 

 

 

I've had awkward moments in social situations where I'm standing with a couple and the wife is possessively clutching her husband.  Yeah, as if .....  :o 

 

 

 

 

[arneal]

It takes all kinds. Sigh. I was first widowed at 30 and again at 47. I am taking better care of myself now than I have in all my life and have been told I am looking younger all the time. I don't do a lot of social things because people can be weird. It's hard, but it give us resilience I suppose ...

[Virgo]

It doesn't matter what you say or do, people will judge. We have no control over that. You can only control how you respond to it.

 

I have acquaintances that are convinced I'm desperately searching for a husband, and others that think I'm going through a wild partying phase. Neither apply. They obviously don't know me very well. I choose to avoid those acquaintances.

[imissdow]

I get this. I got a lot of this at one point. Not so much anymore but that might be because I don't meet many new couples these days. At one point a women at work was making up stories about who I was with. Married, single according to her I didn't care, I never dated any of them but didn't seem to stop her mouth. I came to the conclusion that if people think I'm trying to steal their guy it really tells me more about them then it reflects on me. That knowledge has helped make it easier for me to blow it off and carry on with my life.

[tybec]

Yes, this happened to me, and it was very shocking and hurtful.  I am wired differently, I guess, but I was with DH since HS, and I didn't put off signals as available, and I rarely was hit on.  It took 3 1/2 yrs for a man to notice me after DH's death, so it took a while for me to shake whatever that was I carried. 

My son is in boy scouts, my DH was a leader to be in training.  Move forward and all the men that help that didn't know DH seem to stay clear of me and the women there are single, but not my circle of friends.  Very isolated.  One time talking to a dad at an event, his wife, a TEACHER, comes up and makes some comment about him spending all his time talking to me.  I DON"T WANT YOUR MAN.  Wow.  Noticed it at other events, very subtle claims on their date, spouse, etc.  SAD part of this.  Over it now, but at the beginning, so not prepared. Get it.

[duckie]

Wow - not sure how I feel that this has happened to so many others.  I don't think I give off any vibes of being available as I feel pretty closed off... but I think you all are right in that it says a lot more about her.  I'm hoping the table realized that as well considering I may have to see these people once in a while.  Like others here have said, my DH was soooooo attractive... how I could consider an old fat man, I have no clue.  Even if he looked like Sean Connery, the age alone would be impossible; as if being widowed a second time is something that I'd be seeking out.  Gary Oldman I'd consider though.

[arneal]

Just be yourself, duckie. People are weird about young folks whose spouses have died. Trust me, having to tell people I've already been through it twice and I'm not 50 yet ...

[MissingSquish]

My husband's best friend's wife thought I was going to steal her husband too when I was very early out (less than 6 months). He suddenly stopped talking to me, coming over to do chores for me around the house, etc.

 

Whatever. People show who they really are.  I'm glad that they are no longer in my life.

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, Missing -- you made me remember something I hadn't thought about in a long time ... So I was 30 when my first husband died. My neighbor volunteered to mow my backyard; it was a little patch of crabgrass that I could take care of with a weed wacker in about a half hour, but since he volunteered, I thanked him and went on. Mind you, he and his wife's house was right across a little walkway; if she reached out her kitchen and I reached out mine, we could hold hands. Anyway, I noticed after a while he stopped doing it. Not a word. I didn't care and went back to caring for it myself. One of my down the street neighbors asked me about it one day and when I told him that the guy had suddenly stopped mowing, he said (and I'll never forget it), 'That's because you never invited him in for lemonade' with a wiggle of his eyebrows. I was incredulous. I asked him if he was serious and he said yes, that the neighbor was pushing up on me. Even with his wife right there. This neighbor said it didn't matter, that was the kind of guy he was. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I could. Ew.

[MissingSquish]

I'm sorry you experienced that arneal. People are so weird.

[SemperFidelis]

Wow, that's horendous Arneal.

 

It's sad to be reminded of men like that.....I feel bad for their wives.

[arneal]

Exactly, Semper -- I had never experienced anything like that in my short little life. I was young, recently widowed, and this man who was old enough to be my dad was trying to pull this crap. Needless to say, and after the marriage I had been widowed out of (very abusive, physically and emotionally), I became quite callous. Got over that, but still have a low tolerance for nonsense.

[Rayspumpkin]

Sadly, I have been accused of trying to steal husbands since being widowed...by very insecure people. The worst was dh's best friends wife, she listened to co-workers about how "once widowed...women start taking advantage...be careful" I had never felt so much rage. Don't get me wrong...love dh's best friend...but...ewwww. I learned to be very careful about talking to any men; because obviously us wids are only after a new man. It hurt...but I respect that she was obviously insecure, but it ruined our friendship.

[SemperFidelis]

Rayspumpkin, you remind me of a ridiculous widow book I bought and ditched. The author clearly had some sort of issues herself because it seemed like every other chapter was warning us widows not to fall into the temptation of  pursuing a married man. I was absolutely disgusted....it was a recurring theme in the book.

[arneal]

We should all partner up and write a book about the real life of widows and widowers. No, really.