Has your view of death changed?

[PhotoJunkie]

I figured this would be the safest place to work this out.

 

Today I had a small incident with my motorcycle.  I have a nasty patch of road rash on one arm, possible bruising to my hip, but honestly despite  it setting of a chain reaction of flashbacks and panic attacks to the accident 4 years go, I have had worse injuries crashing a bicycle.  (in front of a group of firemen no less )

 

Even the bike has only one minor part that is easily fixed.  All in all it was probably the safest easiest accident I could have experienced.  It sucked.  Even though everyone said I handled everything really well and avoided hitting the person who caused it and the on coming car The fact it was an accident is triggering all kinds of nasty from the BIG accident that killed my husband but left me and the girl in one piece.

 

My mom is throwing a hissy.  "You could have been killed."  "Your angel was watching over you."  "you were lucky you didn't have serious injuries" etc etc.  I can't wait till she starts the campaign to have me sell the bike...which is not happening. 

 

My thoughts were: 

1..I have been hurt worse on a bicycle.

2.  My husband died surrounded by all the safety features the industry had to offer at the time.....

3. We won't even get into the guardian angel issue, because I feel it implies my husbands angel was sleeping on the job 

 

 

Has your view changed?  are you less concerned about dying?  Maybe Ive become ambivalent...not sure if that is good or bad. 

 

But it got me thinking....My views of death have changed quite a bit.  Truly there is no safe option.  You can die at any moment from any number of things/reasons.  So it wasn't my day today.  I wouldn't have been sad if it had.  I don't fear it like i used to.  Sure Id like to stick around till the girls estate is settled when she's 25, but if it happens oh well.  But it seems that those around me who haven't been through this are still very anxious about the idea. 

 

Could my adventure today been worse?  Oh yes, in so many ways it could have been.  But so could about half a dozen other things I do on a daily basis.  Just some things on my brain as I sit here and wait for the inevitable flashbacks

 

[Portside]

Truly there is no safe option.  You can die at any moment from any number of things/reasons.  So it wasn't my day today. 

 

Yep, yep and yep. I can't say my view has changed due to the death of my late wife - I adopted this view early in my adult life during my time in the Navy.

 

For me, this is easiest way to think about it. While our individual choices certainly can impact the probabilities of our passing - I've chosen to believe when it is your time, it's your time. I've made it through unscathed when I shouldn't have and been badly busted up when (statistically) I should have been fine.

 

You just never know. Fairness or "it wasn't supposed to be this way" has, for me, never entered into the picture. We have no control over it. No one ever has.

 

Best wishes - Mike 

[Catnip]

So very glad you are ok.

 

Yes, my views of death have indeed changed. No one will make it out of this world alive. My parents passed away in their 80s, I've had a miscarriage, and my husband died suddenly at age 51. No rhyme or reason to any of this (that I've yet  figured out).

 

I, too, believe that it is written in the Book when our time is up. We have just so many breaths to take and when it's over, I will be called Home.

 

Yes, I am now prepared, much more so than before my husband died. Not only do I now have a will and more life insurance, I'm ready. I've made my peace. And I can't wait to join my family and finally see Jesus face to face.

 

As the song goes, "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.

[Kater]

I can't remember being afraid of dying.  I am sure there have been times when I was, and am, but generally not.  Much of that has to do with my faith.  Maybe when faced with it in my final moments or if facing a terminal illness, the survival instinct will kick in and my tune will change.  But right now, leaving this world would be perfectly fine with me. (I am OK....just not loving life).

 

But... I have always feared my loved ones dying.  Lots of times, I thought about what life would be like without my husband, or one of my parents, or my best friend.  (It's why I know you can never really prepare for this.  No matter how much I thought about it, the reality is unimaginable). However, as much as there is a part of me that wishes he had outlived me, I wouldn't wish for him to be living this life as I am.  He was not good at coping with difficult emotional situations (that was my department) and I really don't know what he would have done.  So I suppose he got to have the quick, non suffering departure and I am here taking one for the team. 

[tybec]

As the song goes, "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.

  LOVE this song!

 

Yes, my view is different of death.  Everyone has their time.  It used to make me rage inside when folks would say "Oh, a guardian angel was watching over ______."  Or "God answered our prayers."  (So my DH had no guardian angel or God chose for him NOT to live this time or we didn't pray enough?)  I don't rage now, but think, nope, not your time yet.  Hope I never say that out loud at the wrong time, wrong audience, but it is the truth.

 

Oh, and a dear friend's niece lost her 3 yr old to a freak aneurysm last winter.  That helps me put things in a different perspective, especially if someone is deeply reacting over a loss of someone in their late 70s and older.  I think about the long life they were privileged to live and how grateful folks need to be, then, and some get very little time, like this child.  Again, hope I keep my mouth shut at the right time. I have so far.

[SoVerySad]

I guess my view has changed only from the perspective of being afraid of dying and leaving my children parentless. Otherwise, I would not be afraid of dying. I haven't settled on any rationalizations as far as to the reason for the timing. I've looked at it from several different ways, but in truth I just don't know. I can stand thinking it was meant to be his time except for my kids. Why would taking a child's parent away possibly be meant to be?

 

I do agree that we don't get to control it. Very hard for me to accept, but I'm working on it in counseling. I've spent the past few years guilt-ridden that I should have strongly demanded he go to the ER that morning of the day he died. But that wasn't how our relationship worked. We didn't order each other to do things. I reluctantly accepted his choice, which turned out to be fatal. I don't know if he would have survived if he had agreed with my suggestion, but there would have been staff and equipment there to give him a fighting chance. I'm realizing there is no point in continually replaying the issue through my head. Nothing about it can be changed now, so there is no point.

 

PJ, I'm glad you weren't more seriously hurt. I'm sorry about the flashback triggers. I recently had an experience that stirred up a full week of PTSD flashbacks. It was miserable. I hope you manage to escape them as much as possible.

[SemperFidelis]

I can't really say my death view is drastically different. The main thing is that death is now a real thing....no longer something I have merely read about or heard about.

 

I feel a little more aware of the permanence of it.....a little extra incentive to live "right", because I only have one shot at this life thing.

 

 

[Momtojandj]

YES! I struggled for a long time, raised Catholic and asking all the why and where was my husbands angel that day ? When people say things like please pray for so and so , and then say God answered your prayers.. I cringe! No .. God doesn't  pick and choose .. I finally found an article someone , I believe on the old widow boards told me about. Its called "one day at a time ,is God at fault " I made a copy , read it often and even share it on my Facebook.

 

So yes, my attitude is different , I used to think your life was pre planned , and God will call you when it's your time. Excuse my language , but horse shit! If you read the article , curious to know your opinion . Honestly , it has saved my way of thinking and helped me heal.

[Kater]

I finally found an article someone , I believe on the old widow boards told me about. Its called "one day at a time ,is God at fault " I made a copy , read it often and even share it on my Facebook.

 

Wow.  Such a well written article.  Thanks for sharing that.

[Portside]

Interesting article.

 

I almost bailed on the "God is not all powerful" statement.

 

I'm glad I read on to the end.

 

Mike

[Momtojandj]

Interesting article.

 

I almost bailed on the "God is not all powerful" statement.

 

I'm glad I read on to the end.

 

Mike

 

 

Glad you read it through . I don't know the woman who wrote it , but for me who struggled so much after my husband was killed , it was the only way in my mind I could come to some peace .

 

Renee

[twistedmensa]

God doesn't  pick and choose .. I finally found an article someone , I believe on the old widow boards told me about. Its called "one day at a time ,is God at fault " I made a copy , read it often and even share it on my Facebook.

 

I enjoyed the article. It's an accurate representation of how my perception of the nature of God has evolved.

[Julester3]

I now think we can't do anything to prevent death. It'll happen exactly when it is meant to happen whether you like it or not. I'm now even more not likely going to torture myself ever with excessive exercise and diets to be in an ideal "healthy" state so I can hopefully live longer. I'm going to have that ice cream if I want it and skip jogging the mile if I want to now. I sort of feel it makes no difference.

[Chopperette]

I'm really glad you're ok PJ!

 

I can't tell you if it has changed my view. I think it made me realized that the ONLY requirement for death, it's being alive! But the way we deal with it changes. Right now, sometimes I feel so guilty with the way I have reacted to my mother's death. She was inconditional; she was by everyone's side even if you didn't ask for her support. I think I mourned her more when my parents went to live to Brazil with my brother for two years, 18 years ago.  Now, I kind of just accepted it, and I'm at peace with her death. I do miss her, but I'm not crying at a drop of a hat like I was when my husband died.

[Nuggets]

First:  So glad you are OK and walked away from the accident.

 

Second:  Ya, everything changed - not in a hurry, but not afraid of it either.  Living has presented me with way more challenges than dying or dead will.

 

[Taurus]

I don't fear death. When growing up (an only child), I used to have nightmares about what would happen to me if mum and dad died. When they eventually passed away (mum first, dad almost 18-months to the day, from heart break, I'm convinced), I was old enough to find my way in the world. In my early 30's, I never planned to live beyond 50...until I got married and had two lovely daughters - then, I wanted to live forever!

 

The loos of my soulmate changed all that. Now, I live for our daughters, and I plan to live long enough for our 15-year-old to finish college and go to university and graduate. Then I can join my soulmate knowing she'll be fine...

[Mizpah]

I didn't realize that (or how much) I had feared death (pre-loss) until I lost DH and suddenly actually didn't fear death.  I didn't court it, but I welcomed the idea of it. 

 

And then it changed again when I got pregnant and had my daughter a couple years ago.  Now I'm a crazy instinctive "mama bear" who is constantly assessing risk.  The thought of her living without me upsets me so much I could barely force myself to type that, and I'm similarly (more so) crazy about her father's safety and the most about hers. 

 

In the early days/months of widowhood, I thought DH's death was the only thing that mattered, the only influence, the only game-changer....  It shouldn't be surprising that other events/relationships have the power to change me as well, but it was at first.

 

Also, having lost DH in the way I did - he was standing on the sidewalk "minding his own business" when he was struck by a car/car accident - has made me realize anything fatal could happen at any moment.  I never felt invincible - it went beyond that.  It just never even crossed my mind sufficiently to even consider feeling invincible.  Which I suppose is what people mean when they say they felt invincible before - that it didn't seem relevant, risk I mean....

[smabify]

yup.  but you know that!