For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

Thanks, Bunny -- I totally get that! I keep my distance and have times where I expect to not be bothered LOL. However, in this particular case, I guess I expect (there's that horrid word ...) that if we are moving closer, I would get a pinch more consideration when he disappears. I found out along with everyone else via social media that he was having a struggle. Like trying2 said, I need to get clear on where the line is as I do not want to offend by crossing it.

[arneal]

Had an interesting day yesterday and the day before. Day before, NG replies to say he got my texts from Monday but was asleep and that he had Wednesday off and could come by. I said I had a light schedule so that would work; later I realized I wasn't sure if he meant he was coming Tuesday night or sometime during the day on Wednesday. I texted back and he messaged that the storms we had made it harder for him to get in from work and that he needed to go to sleep (he goes early because of his hours) but would come by on Wednesday. He drove over yesterday and we just spent time together. Talking, watching TV, I had a meeting online and he napped while I dealt with that. He held my hand while we watched TV. We ate some snacks and he had to leave because he had to get up early for work today. He said he would see me this weekend (rarely does he say specifically ahead of time).

 

It was a weirdly comfy afternoon. We didn't talk about anything too heavy, although I did ask him how he was feeling outside of the work stuff he'd been dealing with. He shrugged and gave a sort of noncommittal answer. I didn't press, didn't say any of the things I'd been thinking about wanting him to let me in a bit more. It just didn't feel right to do so.

 

During one part of our conversation about work, he made a comment about needing to save up money if he wants to start his own business. He commented that his daughter will have her degree soon and is getting the idea of being on her own (or at least building a life with her boyfriend, who she's been with for quite a while). He then said if he couldn't get out from the level of rent they are paying together, he would either never get enough put away to do his own business or he'd end up living on the street because of the expense. I said, 'Well that won't happen' and he didn't reply specifically to that but kept on with the business idea conversation.

 

Sigh. This is hard.

[trying2breathe]

I'd be hurt if I found out through social media that my NG was having some struggles. I don't think it's too much to talk with him about your hope for more communication.  Let him know where your line is and see if he's willing to meet it.  If not, figure out whether it's something that you can live with.  I'm dude-like also, my guy talks way more than I do about feelings and I've upped my game in talking with him, something I'm willing to do. 

 

 

Being comfy is a good place to be - it does seem that you're looking for more though.

[arneal]

Thanks trying2. I wasn't hurt so much as confused a bit. I would of course like more with him and think he's a great guy. But he's got to get to a place where he is comfortable enough to share. Interestingly, he sent me a text today to tell me he has to work tomorrow and wanted to know if I wanted to get together for dinner. I was in meetings and didn't get back right away so he texted me again. I had to laugh. I am so not a good signal reader.

 

I talked to my son and plan to talk about them meeting. If we do get together tomorrow, I think I will bring it up ...

[trying2breathe]

Hope it goes well for you, arneal.  How was the dinner together?  Easy does it, sounds like low pressure is the way to go with your guy.

I'm struggling lately, I'm in a relationship with a compassionate caring man and I'm resisting commitment.  I've begun to meet some of his family and he's met only my son, by accident. My daughter leaves for school in 2 weeks and I'm thinking that they should meet before she leaves, if only to have a face with a name.  After she leaves I'm by myself, well - other than the dog.  : It will be a new lifestyle and I'm hoping that things change for us for the better.  NG is low key and easy going, never a struggle about anything and he doesn't really have a problem about much of anything.  Everything is fine, at least so far.  It almost makes me want to stir things up to see if he has any emotions at all.

 

I struggle also with the time spent with him and keeping up with home and family responsibilities.  I'm grappling with kids at home, household duties and aging parents.  He has none of that, lives simply and is free to come and go as he pleases.  Sigh ..... it's been a hard weekend.

[Portside]

  Everything is fine, at least so far.  It almost makes me want to stir things up to see if he has any emotions at all.

 

T2B - I can't tell if that is being said with a wink or not but if not - please don't do that. Many guys would put that in the 'plays games' file and nothing good can come from that. Or it can be seen as some sort of 'test' and boy do many of us hate that. It's seen as "You know, I try to be a good, nice guy and then this."

 

To me this just has the feel of maybe a good thing or two could come from stirring the pot but there is a bigger chance it blows up. Free advice and probably worth what you paid.

 

Good luck - Mike

[trying2breathe]

"T2B - I can't tell if that is being said with a wink or not but if not - please don't do that. Many guys would put that in the 'plays games' file and nothing good can come from that. Or it can be seen as some sort of 'test' and boy do many of us hate that. It's seen as "You know, I try to be a good, nice guy and then this." "

 

(wish I knew how to use the quote function)

 

Portside - thanks for this.  I said it semi-seriously, not likely to stir things up needlessly as I'm not a game player.  More likely to take time off from this relationship to figure things out.  It's not feeling right, no need to mess around with him because of how I'm feeling about it.

[arneal]

Thanks for that, Mike. I think sometimes we want to stir the pot, not in a malicious or harmful way, but because we all still have a bit of neanderthal in us in a way ... when we don't know how to react in a situation, nothing beats the old grunt and growl method  ;D

 

Seriously though, trying2, it sounds like your guy is just in a relatively good place in life. I try to make that a goal as well, to not have much stress if possible. Is there a reason why you haven't introduced him to your children -- is it because you don't want commitment, or don't want it with him? No need to answer as I offer the questions as food for thought. There is a big difference between a desire for commitment and a desire for companionship and knowing where you are and where he is on the continuum will be important for both of you.

 

My weekend went well, thankfully. I love how the Universe often conspires in our favor. So I did respond (obviously) to the dinner request; I told NG I'd planned to make a certain dish that I hadn't tried before and suggested we could go with that or we could go out. He wrote back that he was intrigued by the dish I mentioned (tikka masala pork chops with rice and veggies), so we agreed we would stay in, eat, and watch movies. Dinner went so well that he said, 'Be sure to cook more chops next time, dear' LOL. We watched two movies, the first of which was a Swedish film called 'A Man Called Ove', which was very good, and Wonder Woman. Sunday morning on the way to breakfast, he asked about my son and his health, having remembered that Khalil had been in hospital a little over a month ago. We had breakfast and once we came back to my house, we were outside, looking at the mountains and talking about various adventures. I broached the subject: 'If you want a real adventure, what do you think about riding out with me to meet my son?' and he said he thought that was a good idea (can't remember exactly but it was something like that). I warned him that because of his special needs, Khalil has no filter and will probably be all up in his business. NG smiled and said something like that's what all young people do and he was welcome to ask anything. The conversation went on from there about other things.

 

Overall, I think it went well. Now, the real next step: setting up the meet and greet ... Yikes! I am thinking not this coming weekend but the one after.

[marriedwithkids77]

Thanks for that, Mike. I think sometimes we want to stir the pot, not in a malicious or harmful way, but because we all still have a bit of neanderthal in us in a way ... when we don't know how to react in a situation, nothing beats the old grunt and growl method  ;D

 

Seriously though, trying2, it sounds like your guy is just in a relatively good place in life. I try to make that a goal as well, to not have much stress if possible. Is there a reason why you haven't introduced him to your children -- is it because you don't want commitment, or don't want it with him? No need to answer as I offer the questions as food for thought. There is a big difference between a desire for commitment and a desire for companionship and knowing where you are and where he is on the continuum will be important for both of you.

 

My weekend went well, thankfully. I love how the Universe often conspires in our favor. So I did respond (obviously) to the dinner request; I told NG I'd planned to make a certain dish that I hadn't tried before and suggested we could go with that or we could go out. He wrote back that he was intrigued by the dish I mentioned (tikka masala pork chops with rice and veggies), so we agreed we would stay in, eat, and watch movies. Dinner went so well that he said, 'Be sure to cook more chops next time, dear' LOL. We watched two movies, the first of which was a Swedish film called 'A Man Called Ove', which was very good, and Wonder Woman. Sunday morning on the way to breakfast, he asked about my son and his health, having remembered that Khalil had been in hospital a little over a month ago. We had breakfast and once we came back to my house, we were outside, looking at the mountains and talking about various adventures. I broached the subject: 'If you want a real adventure, what do you think about riding out with me to meet my son?' and he said he thought that was a good idea (can't remember exactly but it was something like that). I warned him that because of his special needs, Khalil has no filter and will probably be all up in his business. NG smiled and said something like that's what all young people do and he was welcome to ask anything. The conversation went on from there about other things.

 

Overall, I think it went well. Now, the real next step: setting up the meet and greet ... Yikes! I am thinking not this coming weekend but the one after.

 

 

So true

[trying2breathe]

Glad that your weekend went well, arneal.  Sounds like a meet & greet will happen soon, big step and it's great that it's moving along in a natural way.  And your evening was a comfy way to spend time with your NG, doesn't get any better than that!

 

 

About my NG - he is in a relatively good place, can't critique his lifestyle as it works for him and I'm not out to change anything about him.  We are exclusive and he's asked for commitment, and so far I can't distinguish between the two.  I'm avoiding the girlfriend label - something that he's asked for.  What I'm beginning to understand is that he's a good companion, it's comfortable and feels okay right now.  Commitment vs. companionship - what is the difference?

[arneal]

I guess it's the depth of companionship in my mind, trying2; exclusive and spending some time together on a regular basis like for a day on the weekend is a serious form of companionship while having conversations about where things are going, talking about some sort of future together is heading more toward longer term commitment. The second definitely takes varying amounts of time and of course depends on what it is both people want as well as how soon they have the conversation. I think of my mom: she is very clear that she has a 'companion' -- they spend as much or as little time together that they want, he has his house and she has hers, and there is no desire to cohabit or marry. 

[klim]

Oooh  I think I'm having a companionship vs committment problem.    I don't know what I want or need.

 

The guy I'm seeing has a business that runs itself. He's used a house with teens being around and with his divorce  now lives on his own. He's lonely ,in the i can't stand being in my house alone, lonely. I feel that's why he's in hurry to "commit" , to recouple.

 

I on the other hand ,similar to you trying2,  I have kids, household duties and a full time job. I want companionship and I think I want to move toward a life together but I'm not in a rush.

 

I had a really good time on the holiday we went on but I was quite happy to get home and get some me, alone time.........I don't know what that says about what I'm thinkng about this relationship. Sometimes I think I hold back because he is trying to move forward too quickly and I'm trying to find a balance, Sometimes I think I'm holding back because on some level it is not right .....

 

damn this dating stuff is confusing.

 

[arneal]

That makes sense, klim -- you need 'you' time while your NG doesn't. If you are not ready for someone who is more clingy than you, it's time for a deeper conversation ... just a thought.

[trying2breathe]

The guy I'm seeing has a business that runs itself. He's used a house with teens being around and with his divorce  now lives on his own. He's lonely ,in the i can't stand being in my house alone, lonely. I feel that's why he's in hurry to "commit" , to recouple.

 

I on the other hand ,similar to you trying2,  I have kids, household duties and a full time job. I want companionship and I think I want to move toward a life together but I'm not in a rush.

 

klim  This is the relationship that I have with my NG.  He is also in a hurry to recouple,  I like the companionship but so far brush off any talk of moving forward.  No rush here either.

 

I'm also thinking on some level it's not right ..... it makes me wonder if widowhood makes us more cautious.  I've dated a few men in the past year, nobody has come even close to what I feel for NG.  I had an immediate connection with him, and yet I'm still resistant to the idea of a committed relationship with him.  But I'm not sure if there would be somebody else - "Mr. Right" - to whom I would be willing to fully commit.  Arrghh - so complicated.

[arneal]

Take your time, friends. And while you do, feel free to take out a few of your NGs ready to recouple stem cells and inject them into my NG? LOL! I am joking. He is committed to the process and even though we haven't labeled anything, we are going at a good and steady pace. Heck, if he suddenly got all "I wanna move in together" I'd probably get freaked out!!! I wouldn't mind, but we haven't been around each other long enough to seriously consider what such a thing would mean as far as use of space, sharing of time, and so on. Yikes!

[Needytoo]

Never thought I would be posting on this thread but here I am!!

 

Four weeks have gone by with NG, and so far it has been amazing.  We just fit. 

 

Still, haven't told our children and I am in no hurry. The time we have together is our time. 

[trying2breathe]

Welcome Needy  Glad that time with your NG is amazing, it's great to find a relationship that feels right!

 

arneal  Sending re-coupling vibes your way, pass them along to your NG.  And yes, be careful of what you wish for!

 

Had an overnight get-away with NG this past weekend, first one for us.  We stayed at a beachside hotel near the home of one of his cousins.  I got a chance to meet his sister, a few cousins and their spouses.  It worked out well - he has what I think of as a good family and I felt very comfortable with them.  Didn't sleep much at all though as it was the first time to spend the night together with him.  :  It felt weird to share a room, brush teeth, get into pajamas, etc. with him there - what is wrong with me?!  We have a road trip next week and another overnight, I'm hoping this next one goes a bit better.

[jgib]

Needy and trying2 you give me hope...... 

[arneal]

Needytoo! So excited for you and your NG. I don't know how long it was before NG told his daughter that he was seeing me; I didn't get to meet her until the Christmas holiday last year, which was a good seven months or so in. I told my son that I was seeing someone but he hasn't met NG yet but that may come this weekend.

 

trying: The first time NG and I were in the same room, it was in my house, so some of the trepidation was taken away. However, I was concerned about taking it to the next level. I still have those moments where I am self-conscious and I am sure he is too. However, that first time was nearly a year ago now ... amazing how time flies ... because it was in early fall if I remember correctly. Now, it isn't even a thing. He and his daughter (who is an adult) share an apartment, so it is a rare thing for me to stay there (so far it's been I think twice times I've stayed at his place overnight) but he has spent several weekends at my house. Over the last couple of weeks we have had mid-week visits as well. He had a day off from work and came here to hang out; he took a nap while I finished a work meeting and then went home. I went there yesterday and we ate and watched movies, after which I went home. It's the development of a comfort level. I think some of your sent vibes got through, which I appreciate! Keep sending them as I expect to need them to get this meeting with my son to go well. My son has no filter so I am concerned about what may fall out of his mouth in conversation that will send me scurrying away in embarrassment. Also, NG is off from work for the rest of this week due to nerve pain; I am wondering if he will not want to make the ride. Will wait until probably early tomorrow to text him to ask as I need to make the arrangements with my son's caregiver about where we'll meet. More updates and hopefully good ones by the end of the weekend!

 

jgib -- it will come! Keep the faith and know we are rooting for you!

 

Best to all of us on this rollercoaster!

[arneal]

Hi all and welcome to another weekend So this week's junior high update ...

 

I got a message from NG on Tuesday that his doctor put him off work for the rest of the week because of a nerve injury. He's on some heavy duty meds to alleviate the discomfort. I offered to take some dinner round for him and his daughter; I figure she's back in the classroom (she is a teacher's aide if I'm not mistaken and working on her teaching certification) and he had been fussing about a messy house (as she doesn't clean enough of her dirty dishes and so on for his liking). I had some running around to do, spending time with friends who were driving cross-country to their new home and such. I also had to pick up my mobile from the shop because I had it in for repairs. In the process of getting mine back, I had to reset everything. When I got to his place, the contacts had not updated and I couldn't get access to his number. One trip to the leasing office at the complex later and I let him know I was there. We hang out for a while and I head out. Remember: this weekend was the possible meet up with my son. After seeing his condition, I'm figuring he isn't up for it. I give it until yesterday to send a text to ask. No response. I give it until noon-ish today to hit back again with 'Not sure if you are getting my messages after the phone issues the other day but I wanted to check on whether I should consider another weekend for the son meeting'. He texts back in a short while with an apology, mentioned the medications, and said another weekend would be better. I replied that I figured, particularly since he has to get off those meds to get back to work on Monday. Now to see what sort of messages if any come at all this weekend  I feel bad about it from all directions -- selfish because I want my son to meet him, compassion because I know what being on painkillers is like. Fortunately, it is due to be a warm and lovely weekend, so I have more than enough to do to keep myself entertained, whether I hear from him or not

 

Hope you all have a great one!

[trying2breathe]

arneal  Bad timing with your guy on meds, probably wouldn't make for the best meeting with your son anyway.  He's lucky to have your offer of dinner and support.  I love your attitude, you have plenty going on with or without your guy!  In our youth there was little downtime with ailments, aches & pains - so much different now, dating later in life. 

 

My weekend is busy, DD and I are packing in preparation for drop off at college this coming week.  :'(  DS will be with us for the trip, I'm thankful for the added help and support from him for the process.  My daughter starts her freshman year, she's ready to go and I'm ready to let go but no doubt it will be emotional.  On another note, I haven't seen NG much this week as I was away for a short trip and have been busy with family obligations.  Our relationship is feeling like a friendship more than anything, and I'm not willing to settle for this. It might be the transition of DD's school drop off that's keeping us separated emotionally, I'm not sure.  He tends to stay away when anything less than happy is going on.  I call him my Good-time Guy, always around for the good times but tends to disappear when things get tough.  I'll let the dust settle and re-assess, don't want to have a relationship talk that might change things with everything else that's going on right now.

 

Happy Weekend All ~

[arneal]

Hey there trying2: congrats on having a freshman! I was so glad to get out of my folks' house at that age. I used to not understand those who got homesick.

 

I worked yesterday from 4 am until 11:30 pm. House stuff, errands, and end of course grading. I hope to finish up some housework after my volunteer today and then take a nap! Yeah, it was sucky timing. You gotta eat your Wheaties before dealing with my son LOL!

 

Yikes - I think all of my Jersey attitude would come out at your NG for shrinking back when things are a bit less sunny. This is real life and with what we have already been through, I know for me having somebody who can handle the truths of life (I hear Jack Nicholson's 'you can't handle the truth!' right there) is very important. Pray that it gets sorted and soon love.

[Needytoo]

Hope everything works out for both of you. 

 

Last week I tried to tell my sons about NG but my eldest (the one that you need to eat your Wheaties before addressing anything serious) didn't want to listen to me. So now I want to tell them separately and start with my youngest son who is a bit more reasonable. 

 

Last weekend met NG's sons. They are 13 & 10 and are special needs kids. All I saw was kids, NG was getting upset because they were acting up a bit.  I think he is so nervous that I will hit the hills but seriously all I saw were kids. I actually thought this was going to be a problem, being 50 I didn't want to deal with young kids unless they are grandkids but I really enjoyed meeting them. 

 

Met NG's Mom last night.  What an amazing woman 82 and she looks 62.  I really like her too. 

 

Just can't believe this is my life right now.

[Trying]

Great update Needytoo!  Good luck with telling your sons about NG, I know all too well how stressful that can be!  I went through some tough times with my older 2 early in my relationship but they eventually came around.

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, Needy. I am so excited for you as you meet more of your NG's important people. My two previous husbands and NG did not have their moms anymore by the time we met, which I do regret. Mine is still living and she met the husbands. She is back east but so is NGs sister; I often wonder if we'll do a major trip like that together. If we do and if I get to meet her, that would be a giant thing.

 

I warned NG that my son has no filter and will ask all sorts of things. He was okay with that but I am still nervous as all get-out about them meeting. I realized that I am probably more nervous because my son is a man now and he was just a little boy when he met LH. However, he was wary of LH because he was very protective of Mom. When I told him I was seeing someone, he was genuinely happy because he said he didn't want me to be by myself.