Considering the Worst of All Conclusions

[Guaruj]

It's been over three years since my wife passed away, so I don't consider my to be actively grieving for her. But these are difficult times for some people close to me. Age has rapidly caught up with both of my parents and they need a lot of help. One of my friends is ill and seems too have withdrawn from the rest of the world. Someone else close to me, who has always been difficult to reach, hasn't responded to my phone calls for weeks.

 

I speak with my parents just about every day, so I'm up-to-date on what's happening to them. As far as the other two individuals are concerned, I keep wondering:

 

    Did they suddenly die?

 

I know it's absurd to jump to that conclusion, but these questions still come up:

 

    Did they die and nobody has told me yet? ...or, worse:

    Did they die alone and nobody has yet discovered this?

 

I'm not Has anyone else gone through something like this?

 

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[BrokenHeart2]

Hi G

After what we've been through I don't think those questions you ask yourself is absurd.  I have one friend that I had pondered the same thing when I couldn't reach her by phone for days.  She was ok and just went away. But I thought the worst right away.

Hugs

 

[First Widow]

I have definitely jumped to the worst conclusion when I can't get a hold of someone since my husband passed.  Thankfully I haven't been right and I get to laugh at myself later.

[Momtojandj]

I don't think it's absurd . I think it's natural , sadly when we lose someone . When my mind wanders there and I start worrying about someone I remember coming home to police in my driveway . In other words bad news always travels , fast. So I think , no news is good news . 

Maybe your two friend s, when you get a hold of them tell them you worry and think the worst when they don't respond.

[Mizpah]

When NG is late coming home from work or - worse - from hiking, where he's out of cell service range, I fear the worst until I hear from him.  Sometimes it just flits through my mind, and I'm fine.  Other times, I'm fixated and terrified.  I'd love to stop this sickening kneejerk fear, but years ago on a Friday morning, DH and I left for work, excited for the weekend, and by noon he was in brain surgery, and the weekend was death.  I used to think of widowhood as stripping me of some kind of innocence I used to have - innocence of potential outcomes.  I can't seem to get back to that innocence.  Maybe soon.  Over time.  More time. 

[MR]

Hi G,

It is pretty normal. Last year after my wife death I was not able to contact a close friend of mine in India and kept thinking similar way. Later on contacted was told he was very busy as his cousin was on death so life has made us in a way now that we think bad before good.

 

Hugs

[CJF]

Yes I do this all the time.  I automatically assume the worst when I can't reach someone (especially my kids) because that is what happened the day my husband died.  I tried calling all day from work and couldn't reach him so I left early and found him.  I am not sure how to retrain my brain.  My kids tell me I am paranoid, but I can't help it.

[Bunny]

I just assumed all widowed people were like this.

[serpico]

It figures that I'm the odd man out on this, probably because I'm too analytical.

 

The odds of my wife getting killed in a car accident were astronomical, and I don't see it happening again.

 

I have friends who lost their daughter in a car accident, and a couple years later a group of us went on a long trip. Some friends jokingly said they wanted to sit next to us on the flight because lightning wouldn't strike the same people twice!

[MR]

This is normal to think of worse and it takes time to get out of it. My wife had a medical injury while getting anesthesia medicine as nerve block. 7 months later my son was having wisdom tooth extraction which is very simple but I was in panic mode and was not able to tell anybody the reason either.

[Mizpah]

It figures that I'm the odd man out on this, probably because I'm too analytical.

 

The odds of my wife getting killed in a car accident were astronomical, and I don't see it happening again.

 

I have friends who lost their daughter in a car accident, and a couple years later a group of us went on a long trip. Some friends jokingly said they wanted to sit next to us on the flight because lightning wouldn't strike the same people twice!

 

I'm so jealous.  I aspire to this!

[Wife of Tomasz]

This is not the same but similar. We did not get a chance to have kids. Now I am terrified of being left alone with a baby, or small child. Can't be responsible for another living being. When a child is asleep near me I obsessively check that they are breathing, it is so terrifying and such an absurd reaction but I cant help it.

[Guaruj]

Wow. I just got home from work and I'm amazed at all the responses.

 

One of these friends has cancer and hasn't confided that simple fact to many people other than me. I am seriously concerned for his health. I remember well what my wife, Catherine, went through during her cancer treatment.

 

The other has always been reclusive and has had some setbacks in recent years. He's one whose death could go unnoticed by even his neighbors. That does happen; you can search this forum for a very tragic story I once posted about a man in New York named George Bell.

 

Compounding all of this is my parent's own health. Suddenly, I'm the one that they're leaning on, instead of vice-versa.

 

I'm glad that my thoughts aren't unusual after all. Perhaps I should be surprised that it took three years for me to catch myself thinking this way.

 

I'm going to keep trying to contact both of these guys. I get up very early, so I might call one of them at 6:00 AM

 

Thank you to everyone who responded.

 

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[Portside]

I just assumed all widowed people were like this.

 

Nah, just as in all other things, different folks experience the same event differently.

 

If I can't reach someone, I simply assume they can't be reached. No more, no less.

 

The Navy drilled into us, "no news is good news". If you have a real bad day, a casualty assistance officer will notify next of kin. Else, all is good.

 

I can't worry about that which I can't control. Why drive myself nuts?

 

Best wishes - Mike

 

 

[Guaruj]

If I can't reach someone, I simply assume they can't be reached. No more, no less.

 

I agree that there's no reason to get worked up when someone doesn't get back to you for a couple of days. But my friend with cancer suggested that we have dinner together over one month ago, then went silent for a couple of weeks. The last time I spoke with him was two weeks ago, and he then said that he wanted to get in touch one week later. That didn't come to pass, either. He's either too sick to talk to me or feels the need to hide his condition from me.

 

The other guy I haven't spoken to in months, and nobody else I know has spoken to him within the last month.

 

Obviously, I'm not assuming that either of them are actually dead, or at least not yet. But I know both of them are having serious problems right now.

 

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[kjs1989]

Guaruj,

 

I understand where you are coming from with this issue. Many years ago my best friend stopped returning my calls. I tried so hard to reach her repeatedly. Eventually I sent her a card and note, told her I missed her and that whatever she was going through I would be there for her in her time. Eventually she did reach out to me, but it was over a year later.  Things seemed fine and we picked up where we left off for the most part. Then, in a quiet moment she confessed what she had been going through. She had become a raging alcoholic and pill popper which transpired due to self medicating severe back pain. She eventually was treated in an inpatient rehab program and was well into recovery when she contacted me.This, the girl who drank only a very rare wine cooler when we were in college. It was all unbelievable to me and I couldnt help but wish more than anything that she had reached out to me for help. But she didn't... and I  couldn't understand why. I took it all very personally.

 

Then, when D died she was there for me. She would call almost daily.  And often I found myself not answering her calls. It was just too much for me to bear and I felt like I needed alone grief time. It was nothing personal against her. I did that to everyone. But she would show up at my door anyway and just sit with me in silence. She would answer my phone for me. She would do my laundry. She would bring food. She would drive my daughter  places. She didn't require anything of me emotionally. I am so thankful to her.

 

I wish I would have done the same for her. I should have gone to her house and been there for her regardless, but I didn't know what to do, so I didn't  do anything. I am a nurse with a psychiatric background, and I dropped the ball for my friend.

 

I say to keep reaching out to your friend, and it sounds like you are. Send a note. Stop by.  Bring food. Do whatever you have to do to be there for them, even if it is low key and in the background.

[tybec]

When NG is late coming home from work or - worse - from hiking, where he's out of cell service range, I fear the worst until I hear from him.  Sometimes it just flits through my mind, and I'm fine.  Other times, I'm fixated and terrified.  I'd love to stop this sickening kneejerk fear, but years ago on a Friday morning, DH and I left for work, excited for the weekend, and by noon he was in brain surgery, and the weekend was death.  I used to think of widowhood as stripping me of some kind of innocence I used to have - innocence of potential outcomes.  I can't seem to get back to that innocence.  Maybe soon.  Over time.  More time.

 

 

Yes, I assume the worst but not about everyone else so much as myself.  It is irrational.  My DH died in a car accident, and I have this sense of a foreshortened future.  Getting sick and not being able to care my child is my biggest fear.  And I worry about every pain or medical test.  It is not logical.  I can talk myself out of it most of the time, but it is great anxiety. 

 

My innocence is gone for sure.  And hearing about others sicknesses and losses can be anxiety provoking.  Can't always read on this board and stay clear of some threads.  Just how it is.

 

[Guaruj]

Well, one of my dire prophesies was fulfilled after all. My friend with cancer did not want to be reached because he was, indeed, dying. His girlfriend, who lived with him for 13 years, called me last night. He died two weeks ago at home in hospice care. He would never have wanted me to see him that condition.

 

I spent the rest of the composing a Facebook post in his memory. Dozens of people responded overnight and through the day. None of them had any idea that he was ever ill - I was one of the very few people he shared that information with. I'm just amazed that he kept all of this a secret.

 

The other missing individual was my brother. He proved to be alive and well, thankfully, because both of my parents have been having major medical issues lately.

 

Part of me does regret not taking kjs's recommendation to bring food to his house. But, then again, I knew he did not want me to see him in that state. I bought a huge bag of cheese, crackers, hummus and sausage for his girlfriend tonight. I'll take it over there when she's ready for that.

 

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[Wheelerswife]

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, Mark. I hope you can join us at the upcoming bago on November 5th.

 

Maureen

[sojourner]

Mark, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like keeping his privacy was paramount to him and he took measures to  protect it, so please don't second guess yourself. It's wonderful that you're planning a way to support his partner in her loss.