How did you know?

[Neverthesame]

When my wife died my kids were 11, 13, and 16. Early on, when it came to the idea of dating, I just didn?t think it would be easy to introduce someone new at that stage of their lives. As they got older, and dating became more of a possibility for me, I couldn?t even picture in my mind what it would be like to start a relationship with someone new. My wife and I had met in high school and were married for 25 years. It seemed almost impossible to me that I could develop a relationship like I had the first go around. I was certain that if I did start to date it would take years of getting to know someone before I would even entertained the idea of remarriage. Dating was something that scared me to death because it was something that I had not done a lot of. There were a couple of nice women that I knew in my daily life who showed some interest and at times I'd try to convince myself that they'd be a good match for me. I went to church with one of them. She had a good job, no kids of her own, and she was good with my kids, but some reason I just couldn?t talk myself in to even asking her out.

 

One day, out of the blue, I decided to try online dating. Within the first couple of weeks I started emailing a woman who was also widowed. After a couple of weeks of emailing we went on our first date. No, It wasn?t love at first sight, but I did have a great time. We ate dinner and talked and then went for a walk and talked some more. Over the next couple of months we went out every weekend and at the end of each date I found myself looking forward to the next weekend. The dates gradually got longer and then we started to see each other more often. Before I knew it we were spending most of our free time together.

 

Three years ago if someone had told me that I would go from meeting someone for the first time to married in 11 months I would have told them they were beyond crazy. To this day I still don?t know when or how I knew?..but I just knew. Everything that I thought I knew about myself and about dating just seemed to go out the window.

 

I?m wondering how things went for those of you who have recoupled. How did you know? Did things develop quicker than you thought they would? And of course the million dollar question ?.did you feel guilty for being able to love again?

 

Bill

 

 

[WifeLess]

Neverthesame,

 

My deceased wife and I were together for about 28 years. And thoughout the entire first year after her death I was convinced I would never have another romantic relationship. Although I met and formed friendships with many widows and widowers during that time, I had no interest in dating anyone, and was sure I never again would.

 

But all that changed the day Bluebird and I met for the first time. Although the purpose was to discuss widowbagos and other issues we had been posting about on YWBB, something magical happened instead. We immediately seemed to "click" on so many levels, and within a couple of weeks we became almost inseparable. Somehow, we just knew that we belonged together. So, the following year we became engaged, and in the Spring of 2013 we were married. It is truly difficult for us to believe that, despite everything we had been through, we were nevertheless able to find each other and such tremendous happiness.

 

With regard to the guilt you describe, although it is not unusual for a wid to sometimes feel guilty about recoupling, I have never felt that way myself. In fact, very early in my relationship with Bluebird I posted:

 

"My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my [deceased] wife. As some other members here have expressed, we often feel (or at least like to think) that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought."

 

--- WifeLess

[Wheelerswife]

I met my polarbear in the chat room and a few days later we were on the phone for hours a night.  We decided to meet quickly...three weeks later he flew out to meet me.  There was instant chemistry and we really knew then that we wanted to be together.  It was about 6 weeks before we saw each other again and shortly after that, we were making plans for me to move to where he lived.  I moved 6 months after we started talking and we got married a year after that first conversation.  There was never an ounce of guilt about being in love again...or so quickly.

 

Maureen

[thejourney]

My chapter 2 is the first person I dated as a widower. For me, it felt like we evolved quickly and it was probably around 3 months in that it felt very serious. And we are still moving forward together after two years. As for guilt - oh yes! But I feel guilt about everything 

[Mizpah]

Guilt?  No.  I've never felt guilt about any aspect of any of this.  I feel like we were both cheated, both victims of the accident that took him.  When I knew he was gone (before he was declared), I said to my mom, "My life is over."  And it was.  I don't feel guilty.  I feel angry that I *had* to "move on" to be with anyone other than him, but not guilt.  I saw only him, and would have for the rest of my life if his had been longer. 

 

Did things develop quicker than you thought they would?  Um, yes.  When I was 1 1/2 years out, I learned that the man working on my mom's apartment had lost his fiancee.  I reached out (YWBB taught me to pay it forward, all its amazing support), and we texted for months.  It never even crossed my mind that we would end up romantically involved in any way - it was pure grief support/cameraderie.  Months later, when I was at 2 years and coming to life again, we met when I was visiting family.  There was chemistry.  I was shocked.  I hadn't been attracted to anyone since death, and didn't think I would be.  Infatuation.  It seemed inevitable that we would come together.  I traveled to the Middle East immediately afterwards, and we were in touch even then.  When I returned, we started having what I thought was a fling.  We saw each other only once a month, and by month three we were exclusive and talking about the future.  I soon found out I was pregnant.  I moved (from the  heart of NYC to a super rural area) to be with him.  Fast fast fast.  Totally unforeseen.  I thought I'd be single forever, with some flings and affairs, etc.  I thought I would never feel anything for someone again, and I do. 

 

How did I know?  It was visceral.  Maybe it was lust and bad decision-making.  We'll see.

[anniegirl]

We just knew. Very quickly.

 

We met via the old board and just clicked.

 

Guilt? Only that I know that my relationship with my husband is a much better match for me than that with my LH.

 

I loved LH. I love Husband. But I am much happier and more content now than I ever was in my first marriage. That makes me feel bad because LH was a good man.

 

You know that ridiculous widow meme "if your late spouse came back, who would you choose? Him or your new guy?" I knew right from the start that I would pick Husband.

[thejourney]

Guilt? Only that I know that my relationship with my husband is a much better match for me than that with my LH.

 

I loved LH. I love Husband. But I am much happier and more content now than I ever was in my first married. That makes me feel bad because LH was a good man.

 

You know that ridiculous widow meme "if your late spouse came back, who would you choose? Him or your new guy?" I knew right from the start that I would pick Husband.

 

... Thought I was the only one!  This brings a lot of guilt, and for me interferes with Chapter two since I have so far refused to publicly acclaim this. I am much too worried about 'what the neighbours think'.  Are you publicly talking about how lucky you are (in a relative sense of course).  what is the reaction???

How would your Husband react if you said you would pick LH.  I know my Chapter two would not be happy playing 2nd to DW.

[anniegirl]

Yes, I have publicly acknowledged this.

 

Husband thinks the reason I feel this way can be explained by the fact that I am older now and that he is older than my LH was, which means that when I met Husband, he was in a different position in life - more settled in many ways. And some of that is true.

 

LH was ten years younger than I was. He was still building his career when he took sick. Still becoming the person he would be. All cut short but illness and death.

 

However, Husband and I are of very similar temperament and worldviews that neither of us shared with late spouses.

 

Again, Husband says that being older and widowed, we made different "mating" choices than we made when we were younger and our life experiences were different and our futures looked different.

 

In other words, apples and oranges.

 

Still, I know that though LH and I had a good marriage and would have been happy, it would not be as easy as my marriage with Husband. For whatever reason. And maybe it doesn't matter enough to dissect. It is what it is.

 

My family and friends though concur that Husband is a wonderful match for me and though they refrain from pointing that out by direct comparisons, their words and actions have made it clear that they prefer Husband to LH. And some of that is not fair because LH's illness caused significant personality changes that they simply have not forgiven him for, which is nonsense - you can't help who you become when your brain is literally being eaten away. But people are not rational.

 

And therein is the guilt because I sometimes feel that maybe I am letting LH's illness, and the dementia it caused, colour my perception. It's hard to predict who LH would be ten years on (13 if you count the years lost to dementia) and if he'd be as perfect a mate as Husband is.

 

I feel bad that I simply love Husband more but only when I remember that society will judge me for that. You are supposed to love your LH more, right?

 

I like Husband's take. Which is simply "that was then and this is now". Comparison is pointless. We aren't the same people in many ways and there's nothing wrong or worth feeling guilty about to find yourself (after being at probably one of your lowest points ever) happy.

 

 

[Melbar]

For probaby the first three years of widowhood, I thought of a new relationship as a burden I didn't need - someone else to make time for, expend energy on, another person's expectations to meet - I had a really negative attitude about it.  I now know that was all a defense mechanism.  I met my BF and from the get-go, I felt like I could not do enough for him. There is nothing I want more than to make time for him, expend energy on him and meet and hopefully exceed his expectations.  When you find someone special, there is nothing you wouldn't do for them, despite previously shouting otherwise. 

[MrsT85]

I met Fiance and started dating very early in my journey.  I met him at almost exactly the three month point (he's a friend of a very dear friend and we met at a gathering), got to know him through several hours of Skype conversations for 3 weeks or so, and then went on my first date since late 2004 around four months out.  Over the next couple months, we'd see each other every couple weeks (he lived about an hour away) and continued to have frequent very long, very honest conversations on Skype in between.  I was sure I was so raw and such a mess that I'd scare him away.  He told me my honesty and how "real" I was with him was refreshing.  He'd previously dated a girl who had lost her sister to bulimia, and she had kept her emotions bottled up, which led in part to their eventual split.  He actually liked that I put all my cards on the table right away and let there be no mystery to any of the battles going on in my head.

 

At one point, during one of these conversations, we were talking about being in love with past partners.  I met Tim when I was 19, so I don't really have much of a dating history as an adult.  Fiance was 32 and had several relationships under his belt.  I said I'd only been in love a few times, and once now was with a dead person.  I loved Tim, and hell, I still did.  He told me flat out, "I expect you'll always be in love with him.  He was your husband."

 

I think that's when I knew I'd found a good guy.  That I found someone who I exposed all of my scars to, and who wanted me anyway.  And that he's also someone who will let me keep Tim in my heart without being jealous.

 

I still think that if such a thing exists, Tim was my "soulmate."  I was basically still a kid when we met, and I grew into an adult with him being the most important person to me and the strongest influence on me.  There's no way someone can "fit" me that well again, but that's a concept I'm relatively at peace with.  My relationship with Fiance isn't as easy as the one I had with Tim, but I think it's because we're both coming into it as fully formed, independent adults.  We don't have all the same interests like Tim and I did, and we don't want to necessarily want to spend every waking moment together.  But he's probably the sweetest, most patient person I've ever met, and I love him for it.  He loves me, makes me happy, is so good to me, and deserves happiness as much as my dear Tim did.  So I'll do what I can for the rest of my life to love him back and make him happy.  Because in my opinion, life's too fucking short and too scary and uncertain to want to do anything else.

[Neverthesame]

I really didn't answer my own last question. I did have some guilty/confusion in the early going. I was stuck between wondering if it was ok to love her as much as DW and at the same time wondering if it was fair not to.

 

I feel bad that I simply love Husband more but only when I remember that society will judge me for that. You are supposed to love your LH more, right?

 

I don't know that I can say that I love Wife more than DW, but I do love her as much. Like you said "apples to oranges". I do agree that society leaves a strong impression that we are expected to love our late spouse more. Of course, from what I can tell, the ones who think that are the ones who have not lost a spouse.

 

I will add this. Since I've remarried I've wondered about my burial arrangements. I had a double headstone placed because in the early days there was no question in my mind that I would be buried beside my DW. Now I face the possibility of being married just as long to a woman that I love very deeply. I know....it's silly to think about that stuff because I won't even be around to know where I'm buried. Still, it does come to mind sometimes.

 

For probaby the first three years of widowhood, I thought of a new relationship as a burden I didn't need - someone else to make time for, expend energy on, another person's expectations to meet - I had a really negative attitude about it.  I now know that was all a defense mechanism.  I met my BF and from the get-go, I felt like I could not do enough for him. There is nothing I want more than to make time for him, expend energy on him and meet and hopefully exceed his expectations.  When you find someone special, there is nothing you wouldn't do for them, despite previously shouting otherwise. 

 

^^This^^. Nothing I can add. I went from not being sure if I wanted to put the time and effort into a new relationship to wanting to spend all my time with her in a flash.

[MrsT85]

I guess I didn't answer the "guilt" question either. The very first YWBBer that I met in real life passed this priceless bit of emotional framing on to me, and I've clung to it ever since - by wanting to (and now making plans to) remarry, I'm not disrespecting Tim's memory, I'm actually honoring it.  I loved Tim so much.  I loved being married to him so much.  I would do anything (still!) to get him back.  But as much as I'd like it to, that's not how reality works and now I have to figure out what the rest of my life will be without him.  But our relationship showed me just how amazing marriage could be, and because of that I knew almost immediately that I wanted to be a wife again some day.  I knew that I was happiest being some wonderful man's "other half" because of how happy I was being his.  Having the experience of our marriage under my belt gave me something to aspire to in the future.

 

What can I say other then it all happened a lot sooner than I thought it would?  But I like to think Tim would approve.  We never talked about what we would do if one of us died (we were just 27 and 36 when he died so unexpectedly), but we would talk all the time about how bad we both were at being single.  About how much better we both were when we were in solid and loving relationships.  So I hope he wouldn't begrudge me the fact that I leapt at this second chance to find that again.

 

As for burial arrangements - the day he died, I decided that I wanted to be cremated and put into his urn with him.  If I ended up remarried, I would want to split my ashes so half of me could go with Tim and half could go with New Husband.  It's been just over two years and I haven't wavered from that thought one bit.  On a similar note, I decided that same day that if I were to be remarried, I'd hyphenate my last name.  I took Tim's last name when we married, happily leaving my maiden name in the past.  But since I never chose to stop being his wife, I decided I'd never abandon his last name either.  Same with my wedding and engagement rings - they've been resized and I now wear them on my other hand with no plans to ever stop. Right now I wear an engagement ring on my left hand, and the rings Tim gave me on my right, and after Fiance and I marry I'll have a full set on each hand. 

 

And wonderfully and amazingly, Fiance is fine with all of this.  One of the many reasons I love him.

[Wheelerswife]

As far as burial goes, John and I decided to be cremated and split.  This summer I will trek to northern California and bury half of his ashes beside his late wife.  The other half will be buried with me.  Half of me will be buried on the east coast with my first husband.  If I find another wonderful partner in life, I guess that I can be split into thirds.  Right now I have my name on 2 gravestones, one in CT and one in KS. 

 

I never dreamed when I was young that I would be writing something like this.

 

Maureen

[mokie]

I think it was through the friendship we had developed on the old board, that I knew.

 

When I think back to any dating I have ever done, I always dated boys/guys/men I had been friends with first.  I tried the online dating thing briefly after being widowed, but I just couldn't get into going out with someone I didn't know, for the express purpose of "coupling up".

 

"The Bachelor" (that's actually his/our last name, for those of you who don't know... He used this for his "handle" on the old board, which raised a few eyebrows at first on a widow board LOL!!) and I were both early risers.  We'd wake up in our separate parts of the country and find each other on the board and chat, which turned into PM's, which turned into instant messaging, which turned into text messaging... Always in the spirit of friendship.  It took nearly 3 years and a couple of bagos for us to finally decide to take it to the next level.  And by that time, it just felt right.  And we both felt good at that point being able to tell our sons about it, and know they'd be okay with it.

 

I felt guilt early on, when I was trying online dating.  I was worried about people seeing me and wondering what I was doing out with someone else.  My guilty feelings were a sign to me that it wasn't right at that time.  By the time I had gotten comfortable with myself again, and was dating the right person, I didn't feel guilty anymore.

 

**Just my experience and my personal feelings for ME.  Individual results may vary.**

 

 

[MissinGrizz]

I had been playing with the idea of dAting, but I freaked when I was asked out and chickened out, even though I was over two years or by then. When he tried again at almost three years out, I decided to give it a shot.....we are now married.

I never felt an ounce of guilt. My late husband would have supported not only my dating, but this relationship. We had Been together 21 years . I feel certain he'd be glad for me, and his parents were too.

[Guest Mel4072]

I love reading these stories. I can guilt myself over just about anything. Been seeing a guy for 3 months now. I knew when I talked to him on the phone for the first time. Strange as it sounds, my heart just responded to him. I felt very comfortable with him. It's been a trek for me, guilt over my kids, his kids, what people will think, etc. ultimately, making my heart stronger and making me love him more deeply. I am so happy he is patient.

As for the widow question, would you go back? No, I wouldn't. That's like learning how to ride a bike and choosing the bike with training wheels instead. Or learning how to roller blade and choosing the old fisher price skates. Or learning to zip line and giving up the memory of having done it. I could never go back. I am who I am because I've loved, more than once.

[patriciad]

I recouped when I was 13 months out.  I had been playing with online dating and had had 2 separate dates.  I was feeling rather proud of myself that I could venture out into the dating world and hold my own.  Not thrilled with anyone but impressed that I could actually date after all those years.

I was contacted my my present husband on May 18-the exact day that I met my DH when I was just 19.  We emailed, IMed and then spoke on the phone.  I knew immediately that I liked him.  We had our first date 10 days later.  After that date, we saw each other or hung out on the phone together every night.  Got married 2 years later.

Never felt guilty for a minute.  I had the most loving husband and I knew that there was no way he would want me to be alone. The kids accepted him.  His kids accepted me.  I felt like he was there to bring me back to life-and he did.

After dating a couple of weeks, we start talking about birthdays.  His is the day of my anniversary with my first husband.  I kind of felt that it was a sign.  He would just know how skittish I would be about letting someone into my life.  I feel like it was his stamp of approval.

 

Pat

[Bluebird]

My DH and I had discussed what might occur for me romantically if and when he died. He said:

 

"Some guy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. I'm certain of that!"

 

And he was absolutely right!

 

I did not feel guilty about falling in love again, I felt blessed, because I had convinced myself that "great love" was a once in a lifetime thing. I'm very glad I was wrong!

 

Thanks for a wonderful topic!

 

Bluebird

[SimiRed]

As far as burial goes, John and I decided to be cremated and split.  This summer I will trek to northern California and bury half of his ashes beside his late wife.  The other half will be buried with me.  Half of me will be buried on the east coast with my first husband.  If I find another wonderful partner in life, I guess that I can be split into thirds.  Right now I have my name on 2 gravestones, one in CT and one in KS. 

 

I never dreamed when I was young that I would be writing something like this.

 

Maureen

 

Oh, Maureen... {{{HUGS}}}  I bet that was hard to actually write down.

[IfIonlycould]

We had been friends since before I even met DH but just friends nothing had ever happened.  After DH died he would stop by to help with outside home care.  This went on for a good year,  one day my brother was there  and he said "that  _____  sure is a nice guy" and I replied "Yea, dangerously nice"...I guess I knew I was starting to have some feelings...up to that point the thought of another man...well, there was no thought ...I just could not have imagined it, yet here I was looking at ____ in that way.

Oops...you also asked if I felt guilty...while I was surprised that I found myself feeling that way about another man I did not feel guilt....Our wedding vows said "Until death do us part" we were both very faithful to that, I NEVER broke my vow, so I did not feel guilt.

[Guest nonesuch]

My mom was dying in the hospital. My cat sitter was going on vacation, and my back-up hadn't been contacted yet.  Current Beau drove over to my house to feed the cats.  He doesn't even like cats that much.

 

Even if I hadn't been sure, at least two of my friends said, don't let that one get away.

[Silwe]

I?m wondering how things went for those of you who have recoupled. How did you know? Did things develop quicker than you thought they would? And of course the million dollar question ?.did you feel guilty for being able to love again?

 

I'll answer the easiest question first: yes, I do feel guilty. Not as frequently as I used to, but yes, I do at times. How I knew... that's harder to answer. But I think it was quite early on, we really "clicked into place" right from the start, like two pieces of a puzzle. It felt right, we got along really well (and still do, after one year), and he did not shrink away from me even after I told of DF.

But as @Bluebird said, I also feel lucky to be given a second chance at great love. I hope it will last longer than the first chance, and fear the universe will kick me in the head again.

[Trying]

My guilt revolves around how my new relationship affects my children and the fear of causing them and my inlaws more pain.  New guy and DH share some personality traits but are very different in other ways.  New guy and I will never have the connection of having children today like I had with DH but he benefits from my experiences and what I have learned about appreciating the one you love.

 

As far as when did I know? Well, we are not yet living together or married but when I think about my future I see him by my side. 

[Sugarbell]

Lordy....I have been all over the place with this one....I have 2 chapters to my widowhood

 

1st chapter-Drugged up self.....ready to date at 3 months out...dated (several 3 month diversions then they fizzled out)..a few hook ups, a 6 month marriage....I will say they all moved very fast, very intense...I never felt guilt. Not once.

 

GOT CLEAN/SOBER.....2 1/2 year break from all men, dating, sex...everything

 

When my 2nd chapter of widowed started...and I knew I was ready to date again...found a good one pretty quickly. 8 months now..we have been exclusive for 6 months...but we both take things slow. We've said the "L" word...but neither one of us are in a hurry to uproot our lives. I like this speed. But it's how I was before widowhood (DH and I were the same way)

 

But never guilt about recouping, dating, having sex. I deal with guilt in other areas of my life (regarding my kids during early widow years) but not in regards to a new love.

 

 

[lcoxwell]

Things happened very quickly, for me, much quicker than I had originally expected. I met New Guy at two months out and started seeing him at about three months out. We've been together about a year now, and I am currently making plans to move closer to him, so we can spend more time together.

 

How did I know? Everything about my relationship with New Guy has been simple and easy, and just felt "right". Our conversation is comfortable and engaging; we easily fall into a natural rhythm when we do things together, such as cooking in the kitchen or working in the yard; and our physical chemistry is incredible. I think I truly knew a few months into the relationship, when it occurred to me he was in love with me, but was afraid to tell me. He's the first man I have ever said "I love you" to first, before he said it to me.

 

Do I feel guilty? Sometimes, I do, but not for finding love again. My Kenneth desperately wanted me to have love in my life, after he was gone. I feel guilty, because I learned certain lessons from life with Kenneth and from Kenneth's death, which have made me far more open and expressive with my love, now. Those lessons have made me a much better partner, and I wish Kenneth could have been loved as openly, and with such abandon, as I am able to love New Guy. I also feel guilty about finding love again so easily, when I know there are others in our Widda community struggling in this area, and I want so badly for them to be loved, too.